Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I don't know what to say

As is often the case I feel I need to write something here.... but Im at a loss for words. I don't know quite what to say or how to put my feelings into words. And if I do come up with something its the same thing as always.

Im thinking of her.

I miss her.

I wish she were here.

I have yet to really talk to Mr. L about Genesis and my feelings. He knows this time of year is rough and that March 16th is her birthday. He knows she would have been 5. He has offered his listening ear and a shoulder to cry on... but I have been scared to take him up on his offer. I feel the need to talk to someone about her. The only person who has done that for me recently was my brother. God I love him. We have really gotten much closer recently and this was the brotherly relationship I have always longed for.

Last Friday my brother came over for drinks. And as is the case much of the time when drinks are involved, we got to talking. Talking without holding back. We talked about lots of things. And then of course Genesis came up. We talked and talked about her for over an hour, probably more but I lost track of the time. There were laughs and there were tears. But mostly there was no holding back on what we wanted to say about Genesis. He told me that he was there for me anytime I wanted to talk about her and he wasn't like everyone else that shunned me for doing it. It was an amazing night of remembering my sweet girl. 

And while its great that I now have my brother to talk to like this, I sort of long for that with Mr. L. It may be too soon yet though. Im not sure. Im not sure how much into detail I want to get into with him right now, but I wish that I could open up myself more so he can connect with this very sacred part of me. Who knows... the opportunity may come up especially as her birthday approaches. As always, time will tell.

I have gotten more winks at my work with a company that has Genesis in the name has been calling in more and more frequently. It still makes me sort of hold my breath and catch myself each time they call in. It puts a smile on my face, but still makes me take a longing sigh.

The other day I was telling Mr. L that its fun to dream. We were talking about what we wished for and in this case the different kinds of cars and what he would buy when his ship comes in. And I was recounting that conversation yesterday and imagined that he had turned it around and asked me the same question. "What do you dream of? if you could have anything in the world, what would you wish for?" My one want. My one wish. My only longing. Is always the same. I wish to be able to hold all 3 of my children at the same time. Its simple. Its free. It only lasts but a moment. But at the same time its a memory... an event.... a moment that would last me a lifetime. It would be the most priceless thing to have ever happened to me. You can't put a price on it. The value is unmeasurable. But more importantly.... its a dream that can't come true. Its physically impossible in this lifetime. But I have faith the day will come in the new system. 

So instead I settle for my realistic dream that hopefully will be attained one day. And that is to someday own my own home. Nothing fancy, just a little place on this Earth we can call our own. A safe place for the kids and I to grow and be happy. But what is this dream worth if I will always have an empty bedroom for the little girl that was supposed to grow up in that house... seems like a silly dream. A dream that will not be fulfilled to its full potential because she won't be here with me. 

Ugh... why do I think like this. I mean I really don't try to be pessimistic. I actually consider myself very optimistic and have learned to appreciate the beauty in small things and not take life for granted. But I think it just comes down to the fact that I miss her. I will always miss her. I mean how could I not? She was/is a literal piece of my flesh that is missing. But I think the bottom line is that I can miss her and not be sad. I can long to have even just another moment with her but not be wallowing in self pity. I can cry for her but still be a happy person. Im still learning how to cope with this. I think its a process that evolves just as our grief... maybe it is our grief... but as the move The Rabbit Hole put it... its just something you carry around with you in your pocket. And sometimes you may even forget its with you, but as soon as you put your hand in your pocket to get something else, you are reminded. And you know what? Thats ok.


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