Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A breath of relief

The weekend is over. The weekend filled with anniversaries, weddings and stress is now behind me. 


It was stressful and things went wrong as it usually happens with weddings but all in all it was a nice time. I tried to keep myself busy, which wasn't hard so that I didn't have too much time to think about it all. I was struggling to get the kids ready and to keep them looking nice. I was trying to get ready myself and my mind quickly wandered there. That in a perfect life I would have my husband here helping me get the kids together as I got dressed. That I should have 3 kids to get ready. But instead it was just me, the struggling single mom, getting myself and 2 kids ready.


D & G were part of the wedding. They walked down the isle holding hands. G had a little basket of flower petals that she was "supposed" to throw but we all knew it wasn't gonna happen. I mean come on she's an infant haha! At least she didn't eat them. But it was so cute to see them walking down together holding hands. They walked perfectly and no one was running or falling down. They were matching and it was just beautiful. Once again for a split second my mind went there. 


I envisioned Genesis walking down with them. In her matching dress. Looking as adorable as her siblings. Then I snapped back to reality that she's not here. She's missing out on another important family event. Sigh. Then the ceremony started. The person giving the talk was not from the church so he gave a different talk than the one that was given at my wedding, which softened the blow since this was my first wedding since my divorce. Just before I was starting to let my guard down the man giving the talk mentioned the bible and then he said it. He said "Genesis". My heart skipped a beat when he said that. I had to take a deep breath. I couldn't let it get to me. I was front and center. I was a bridesmaid and everyone was looking up at us. I just collected myself as I saw the rainbows sitting in the front row right next to me. I kept it in as my heart was breaking. I flashed back to when I was getting ready... I was thinking of ways for Genesis to be there... like incorporated in some small way if only just for me. I thought I would wear my necklace with the pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon but it just didn't go with the dress and it wasn't formal enough. I took it off, which felt wrong. But oh well. I guess this was the way she was incorporated.


Then later on as we were taking the family pictures all the grandkids got in the photo as well and once again I was thinking that she should be here in this picture too. Sigh. I hate this. I hate it so much. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Genesis Calendar & Another Anniversary

Today is new years day for Genesis calendar. Her Calendar started this day 5 years ago. 5 YEARS. Wow. Even I cant believe that. Thanksgiving Day 2006 I saw this:
Yes, that was the exact test I took. I became a mommy on this day. I was so nervous and happy and full of so much hope... had I only known what was coming. I miss her so damn much. 

You know as I sat down to write this post the song that started to play on my ipod was Britney Spears "Everytime". This song has always reminded me of Genesis. So was it a coincidence it began to play right as I touched the keyboard? I know it was not. Take a listen for yourself. 


To be honest Im not sure I know what more to say in this post. I feel like Ive said it all before. I love her, I miss her, I remember her. I think I may go buy her some roses for her stone in the children's memorial garden. I have to see if the weather cooperates. It's supposed to rain. Pretty fitting huh? Sigh. I feel like crying but the tears are not coming out. I feel numb. Im not sure why. I just know today is her day and Im going to reflect on the time I did have with her. A precious 21 weeks.


Dear Genesis,
Here we are again. Another anniversary. This time we are starting year 5. I dont know how I have survived without you for this long.  You know, a moment ago I mentioned the tears were not falling, but now that I am writing to you they are indeed falling for you. I want you to know that you were wanted and still are baby. I want you so bad. What I wouldn't give to have you here with me and your brother and sister. Why did you have to die? Why? Why not me instead... I wish I would have done something to save you. Im so so very sorry baby. I failed you as a mother. I did everything right and yet this still happened to you. Im so sorry honey. I wanted to give you everything life had to offer. I didnt get the chance. 


I think of you everyday baby. Every. Single. Day. My love for you is still strong, always will be. The exact same as when I saw that positive pregnancy test for the first time. At that moment I would have given my life for you. I still would. Today your sibling and I have been having a lazy morning. We were all piled on the couch and they were playing and climbing all over me. And as I lay there laughing, kissing them and playing along... my mind wandered on what it would be like to have you here climbing all over me as well. The three of you monkeys just clowning around and planting kisses all over my face. I would kill for that. Just once. For a few seconds of that I would trade it all. 


You are not supposed to die. Its not supposed to work that way. You were so young, so precious, so innocent, SO BEAUTIFUL. Even in death you were gorgeous.  Even my OB told me that she had been doing this for a long time and you were the most beautiful baby she had seen. Your siblings look just like you and when I look at them I dream of your face too baby. 


Again, I wish things were different. Im so sorry I cant change it. I will love you forever my sweet daughter. FOREVER. Not even death can end our love or bond. This is for eternity. 


"For as long as Im living my baby you'll be."


Love,
Mommy

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Wow, totally unexpected

Um so where do I even begin with this one. Let me say that yesterday was a typical day, nothing out of the ordinary. I went to work, came home, got ready for the gym and took the kids with me. I arrive to the gym and start my workout. 10 minutes into my treadmill I get a text from my sister. She says "Um, fyi Im getting married today." I cannot tell you how stunned I was. I was like shut up, what are you talking about? Your wedding is on Saturday. She tells me that she and her boyfriend and going to get married right now at some county office. I am floored that they didn't tell me any of this ahead of time. I can't be too upset at them as it wasn't really planned. It was very VERY last minute. And they were sort of "strongly encourage" to do it this way by various family members. {its a very long story and don't want to get into the specifics of why this happened, not sure I even understand it myself.} 


So I rushed home because I of course wanted to be there for her. So I ran my sweaty spandex butt home and got the kids dressed and changed my clothes. We were in such a rush I could not even take a shower or do my makeup. The placed closed in an hour and we had to floor it over there. So it was me and the rainbows, my parents and her boyfriends dad that showed up to this place. It was a ghetto hole in the wall place. It was more raunchy than a vegas drive through wedding and a plastic Elvis as a witness. Im not joking. This place was horrible. My sister and her boyfriend were less than enthused yet they went along with their parents persuasion. After my sister saw how cheap and ugly the "chapel" was she asked that if they could do everything at the desk not standing in front of the dusty, faded, fake fabric flowers. But they refused saying thats what had to happen. Minutes before the 4 minute "ceremony" happened my sister came up to me and my parents saying she and her boyfriend did not want to do this. They don't want to remember their wedding day like this. She was dressed in head to toe black. He was in a t-shirt and jeans. They didn't even have the rings. She was fighting tears the whole time. Not happy tears. Tears of disappointment. My heart was breaking for her. This was so terrible. They even had to pay more for this ghetto marriage than what was originally planned.


But they pushed her to "be quiet" and just do it. Her and her boyfriend walked to the front of the alter and she had her arms crossed the whole time. She was so unhappy. She said to hurry up and get this over with. They didn't take any pictures nor did they even kiss when they said "I now pronounce you husband and wife." It was the most depressing wedding I have ever seen. I wanted to cry. 


So why did I bring this up on Genesis blog? Well as mentioned before this wedding now takes Thanksgiving away from Genesis memory. The reception is still taking place on Saturday so now not only are the days after Genesis' day taken from her memory but now the days before have been as well. Im am just still in shock of it all. I don't have the words or the emotions to quite put down how I am feeling. I think having some much needed drinks this long weekend will help.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A very random blog post

Im not even sure I know where to begin with this one. You know that feeling where you have SO much you want to get out and blog about. But then you feel so overwhelmed by all these random thoughts that you don't know where to start? Yea. Im there.


Ok deep breath...{gathering thoughts}


Yesterday a friend of mine shared this video with me.


Ive not seen the movie, The Bucket List, but Ive always wanted to. Watch the above video if you dare. I warn you, you will be bawling. At least I was by the end of the video. It reminded me once again how fragile life is. How short it is. I HATE HATE HATE that. I hate death. And I know I have blogged about death before but I am revisiting those same emotions.I cannot wait until death will be a thing of the past (Revelation 21:4). Until then though I find it really disturbing that every single person that has ever lived, is living and will live, has died and will die. We are aware that we ourselves will perish one day. We go so far as to plan our own funerals and say what we would like to have happen at them, we leave wills, we write goodbye letters, goodbye videos... all that. I find it sick that we have to do that. Like some sick torture or something. Seriously... like this makes me think. Maybe too much. Like if we are only born to die what is the point? ugh, Im sorry, such a negative post I know. But I got to get this out.


Then of course thinking about death I think of Genesis. And how babies are not supposed to die. None of us are. sigh. I don't want to die. I don't want to ever leave my kids. I  want to enjoy life forever. Ugh... Then this morning on my way to work there was a horrible accident. It blocked off the 3 right lanes on the freeway. A car flipped over and was on its side. I really don't know how anyone could have survived that, it was terrible. I say a special prayer for all who were in that car and hope they are ok. This accident was a trigger for me. See, when I was pregnant with G, about 4 months or so, in that SAME EXACT spot, I almost had a horrific accident. 


I was driving in the dark of the morning as always and I came around this one turn on the highway, the turn right before my exit and all of a sudden there was a stalled car with its hazards on. There was no shoulder it was stopped directly in my lane and there were cars next to me and I could not change lanes. I was able to stop in time. I was at a standstill and then a car came up behind me. I heard his tires screech and saw the smoke coming up from the burned rubber. I was in fear that he was going to slam into me and hurt the baby. Suddenly I saw an opening in the lane next to me where I quickly pulled out of the lane from and went around the stalled car. A mere seconds after I pulled out I heard a crash and saw that the car had hit the stalled car. My heart was racing and going over what could of happened if that was me. If the baby would have been hurt. So scary.


Speaking of accidents and life being fragile I actually had a car accident about 2 weeks ago. Sadly my car was totaled. I wasn't severely injured but still hurt. I was banged up quite badly. Bruises all over. They told me at the ER that my liver got bruised as well. It wasn't until 2 days after the accident that I realized both my back and left knee were messed up as well. But I am still here and thats what matters. Anyway, when I had my accident... it was a very weird thing. As soon as my car was impacted everything seemed to move in slow motion. I thought for sure I would just squeeze my eyes shut and wait for it all to be over but I didn't. My eyes were open the whole time. I saw everything move very slowly. I saw the crack in my windshield move slowly through my glass until the whole window was shattered. I saw the airbag come out at me in slow motion until it slammed into my body. I saw my hair flying past me almost as if I were standing in front of a fan. I remember that it got very bright in the car. Like the sun was shining directly in my face. Everything seemed to be glowing. And peaceful. I know it sounds like a bad "I saw the light" story lol but it really did happen. Now Im not saying I was dying... of course not but something happened that Im not sure what it was. But it made me think of Genesis. I was a peace. Then when it was all over the bright light dimmed and it was just my normal vision moving in real time. So SO weird.


Oh wow, I just got a call at work from Genesis Payment Processing. This guy calls in from time to time saying "This is ____ from Genesis." Makes my heart skip a beat every single time. Sigh. 


Ok so moving on with the random blog post... This week is SO hard. Thank goodness Genesis' day is a holiday and I get it off every single year. That way I can just be a hermit at home and stuff my face with comfort food. I don't even want to think about how my sister's wedding is going to go this coming weekend. I just have to keep it together.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Resentment

I really don't like that I resent my sister for this but the truth is I do. Let me take start at the beginning. 


My sister is 19 years old. She got pregnant at 17, had her son at 18. My nephew and G are only days apart. Yes we were pregnant at the same time. When I heard she was pregnant, it wasn't until she was 5 months along already. Needless to say it was a shock. That is when the resentment started. I hated that I did everything "right"... you know. Date a guy from the church. Wait to have sex till you are married. Wait a few years till you are financially ready in your marriage. Then start a family. I did that and it all went to hell. She didn't. Not only did she not do things the way we were raised but she didn't tell anyone she was pregnant until she started to show at 5 months. You know what that means? She had NO prenatal care up until that point. Yet she was still blessed with a perfectly healthy baby boy. And I am glad my nephew is healthy and I am glad that he is here. I love him to death. But there is resentment still. Probably geared more at the universe than my sister. But who knows. I can't even figure out my own feelings these days.


But wait, there is more. So my teenage sister is getting married in a number of days. Yes MARRIED. Please, don't even get me started... it is what it is. Ive said my piece and now I must accept what will be. There is no stopping or delaying it. It's done. But here is what gets me. You all know November is one of Genesis's months. Her first anniversary. The month where I found out I was going to be a mommy for the first time. That specific day was Thanksgiving Day. That will always be her day. My sister just had to pick November 26th for her wedding, 2 days after Thanksgiving. You know what that means? It means that November and Thanksgiving is no longer about Genesis {to her and the family...well was it ever really} its now going to be about her wedding anniversary. Yet another day, month, anniversary... memory taken away from Genesis. And that, I resent.


Speaking of the wedding I can't even pretend I know how difficult its going to be. Im always a mess in November and this is just 2 days after her big 5 year anniversary. I have no idea the emotional state I will be in then. To add to it, this will be the first wedding I am attending, and actually being a part of (I'm a bridesmaid), since my divorce was final. I can't even begin to tell you how hard this is going to be. I don't think even my sister knows the sacrifice I am making to attend this wedding. (And as a side note can I add that she is having the bridesmaids wear red and I despise red...ugh)Anyway... I just want this month to be over with already.


In other news I just heard this fantastic new song from Katy Perry called The One That Got Away. Of course I can relate to this from my recent dating experience, but I find that anything relating to sadness or loss goes to that same place that I have those feelings for Genesis and it makes me miss her too. Check out the video, it will most definitely make you tear up:


Anyway, the whole reason I bring up this song/video is because the storyline is that she has loved this person for her entire life. Even though she went on living her life because she had to... she even got married to another man. Even in her old age, decades later she is still mourning the loss of this person. People see this story and find it touching and endearing and romantic. Yet when we mourn the loss of our children...1 year, 5 years, 15+ years... we get odd looks and rude comments like "should you be over that by now? You've had more kids already..." Why can't it be the same for child loss?? 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

You feel that?

That change in the air. You can feel it, you can smell it. You know what Im talking about. This time of year brings a cooler breeze. A shift in the vegetation around us. And a close to the year. I used to enjoy this time of year because of what nature had to offer. And I guess I still do enjoy that aspect of it but I have really learned to despise November through March. And with that, I obviously knew that November was upon us with it greeting us yesterday. I was fine yesterday. I was actually fine even this morning. Up until a mere minutes ago. I suddenly felt sad. Felt like crying. Felt heartbroken. And though I am going through some "stuff" in my dating life, I really didn't feel it was related to that. Then it hit me. My heart remembered again. It remembered that in a few weeks it will once again be a significant anniversary. 


Most calendars begin in January. Mine begins in November, because my life began when I became a mother and I found out in November 2006 that I was a mother. 2006.... 5 years. My God. It's been 5 years. Half a decade. Just typing that has filled my eyes with tears. I sit here typing in the dark of my office, alone, closing my eyes in disbelief that this is my life. Why is this my life? WHY? GODDAMMIT! Im sorry I am not one to cuss especially in this special blog but seriously, WHY? can anyone tell me why? Or better yet HOW? How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life? My God, I just don't think I can. Life has beautiful and wonderful things to offer but know there is nothing that can ever right this wrong. Nothing. Ever. How am I supposed to live life with my world tilted off its axis for the rest of my life? HOW? I feel like I have been left grasping for something only to find emptiness. Eternal emptiness. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A subtle hello

I got two winks today. On my way to work there was a song playing and they said "Genesis" in it. Also I assisted a merchant at work from Genesis Merchant Processing. Great way to start November. 
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