Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

Yes I do believe it has. It gave me a moment to look back, remember, reflect and grow.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

I don't celebrate the holidays so there really is no need for me to prepare for anything.
 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

As it is I know that Genesis is asleep in death. I have hope of the new system coming and Genesis being resurrected to a paradise earth. A new world where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, no death. She will be perfectly healthy and we will all be united to live on a perfect Earth for eternity.
 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Yes. In the early days someone referred to Genesis as a miscarriage. I got really offended. I quickly jumped in and said "I did not have a miscarriage. My daughter was stillborn." She was telling me how her mother had a miscarriage...I quickly caught myself... I felt that perhaps someone may think I was saying that a miscarriage was not as painful so I followed up with "I'm sure a miscarriage is painful and a terrible loss but that is not what I experienced."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 27: Share a picture.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Today is a 10. I'm pretty happy. Things are just going well in my life right now and instead of focusing on how long I will be happy I know that am I right now and for that I am thankful.
 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

No I don't prepare for them. I try not to think about it and get myself worked up. But my heart always remembers even when my brain does not. I take it very slow. I pray, I meditate, I remember when the days arrive. I take it hour by hour, breath by breath.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

Pictures. I would have taken a million and one photos of her. That and I wish I could have held her and seen her right after she was born. Those are my two biggest regrets.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)

All the songs on this blog remind me of her.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Yes, the strength she gives me. She has inspired me in a way that I cannot put into words. She and the rainbows keep me going. Any time I see a wink it puts a smile on my face.
 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

I am angry over a few things. First that I was put on Topamx for migraines in early 2006. Little did I know that this was also used as an anti-seizure medication. As I have blogged about before, anti-seizure medication has a known link to birth defects like Anencephaly. And though I was not on the medication while I was ttc or pregnant, I cant help but feel there was a link somehow. I am angered that I was not told of the side effects or that this was also used as an anti-seizure medication. As a matter of fact the doctor didn't even give me a prescription for it. He just kept giving me the sample bottles he had in his office, so there was no paper to go along with it to read all the side effects. 

I'm angry that I did everything right... I waited till I got married to have sex. I married a "good guy" {or so I thought}, I went to an OB prior to ttc to get checked out. I took excellent care of myself before and during the pregnancy and I still was not able to grow a healthy baby. Teenagers can get pregnant behind the bleachers at their football game and have healthy babies, yet I could not. I felt like such a failure.

I'm also angry over the fact that she was not given a certificate of stillbirth even though she was stillborn. The certificate I got was for a "fetus". I am thankful that she got some sort of documentation but I wish that it were the appropriate certificate.

I'm angry over the fact that I am the only one that ever remembers her. Remembers that she was the first grandchild. Remembers how important she was and is and how much she is still loved.

And lastly I suppose I am angry that I have been cheated of knowing Genesis. Seeing her grow up. Loving her... I do love her still but the love and bond of a child you can hold in your arms is different. I'm angry I don't have that. Ive missed out on everything.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

I think my first moment of happiness came Thanksgiving Day 2006 when I found out I was pregnant with my first child.

Then came the first time I saw her on the ultrasound machine. She was bouncing around EVERYWHERE. Both my mom and I were in awe. She cried tears of joy.

Surprisingly the next moment of brief happiness was when she was born. I felt so accomplished when I finally had given birth. I was a mother for the first time ever. And she was a girl!! {I had so hoped she was a girl}

Then my next brief moment of happiness was when I saw her for the first time at the mortuary. We were reunited. I was a peace holding her in my arms. Together for that moment in time.

Now my moments of happiness come when someone mentions her or remembers her all on their own.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

an update

Well I thought I would give you lovely readers an update with Mr.X. Unfortunately he turned out to be a real jerk. After 3 months of casually dating and a trip to Texas to spend some time with him he has decided he doesn't have the time of day for me.  Im ok, Im really not bitter. I am however hurt and disappointed with how he did this and was not honest with me. Im not going to get into details but there was a lot of mind games and in the end I ended up getting hurt more than if he was just honest. I sort of regret telling him about Genesis. He doesn't deserve to know about such a special girl. I feel a bit taken advantage of and take for granted. It is what it is... a lesson learned.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Yes. I have found that being true to my feelings, speaking her name, doing things in her memory, displaying things that remind me of her in my home. I found that not conforming to others idea of what is appropriate grieving has brought me much peace. I have to do what my heart tells me to do.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

hmmm interesting question. I guess the answer to this is no. I don't think she is watching over me. I do feel her presence though from time to time.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 15th~ Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

I wanted to write this post yesterday but just couldnt bring myself to do it. I was emotionally exhausted and the words did not come to me. I had to sleep on it and let it sink in before I could find the words and heart to post.


So yesterday was October 15th, a date that all BLMs know all too well. We sort of look forward to it as a day that our children will be remembered and recognized but on the other hand {I can only speak for myself} you sort of dread it because of how emotionally difficult you know its going to be. Even the speaker, Sharon, at the walk had us pat ourselves on the back for coming out to the walk because its not easy. 


I kept it together pretty well this year... I wasnt as big of a mess as I was last year. Although when they started reading the babies names that sort of made my throat tighten up. Then they read her name. Genesis Magali Lopez. It gets me every time. Hearing her name read out loud, acknowledging my daughter and that she did exist. Hearing her name echo through the park and fall upon the listening ears of so many made the waterworks start. Thank goodness for sunglasses. I went up to the stage and got my rose. I was able to sit back down and compose myself again. Just as I sat down and looked back at the stage a dragonfly flew by. It brought a smile through the tears. Then came the moment of silence where they play Somewhere Over The Rainbow. That song always gets to me too. Although this year I was not able to listen to it. I actually got a rather important phone call just as the music was starting and I had to take the call. 




The walk was nice. I finally found Genesis name near the end of the first lap. We got some amazing photos. Its such a shame that the only way I can have all 3 of my kids in a photo is to have the rainbows take a pic with a poster...sigh. 


Later on when I posted about the walk on facebook my brother posted this:


"Its crazy I had a dream of what she'd be like and that I miss her ♥"


Though this isnt a huge statement, especially coming from a 20 year old, the fact that he mentioned her, and even had a dream about her meant the world to me. He never mentions her, so to me this was huge and made me smile.


I did the walk with Mason & Madison's mom Karen. I cant tell you how much I appreciate all that Karen has done for me. She has been there for me through my grief as a BLM, remembering Genesis and even just as a friend through personal struggles. She is one of the most amazing women I have had the privilege of meeting. And such an honor to call her my friend. 


I was able to write my sweet girl a message on the message board. Its always hard to find new ways to say the same thing... I miss you. I remember you. I think of you often. And you are forever loved. I always wonder what D & G will write one day. D actually started to draw a picture on the board for her but I had to stop him as his scribbles may not be as appreciated by others.


One unexpected thing did happen though. I had the sweetest BLM approach me. Her name is Jolene. This sweet mama approached me by name. I was a little surprised as she didnt seem familiar to me. She explained that she reads this blog and that is how she knows me from. She then went on to tell me what an inspiration my story is. I was a bit taken aback by this... I was so very humbled. I was still in an emotional fog and wrestling two cranky and tired rainbows so I dont really recall what I said but I know that she will read this post so Jolene this is for you:


I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you read this blog and through it you have come to know me, Genesis and the rainbows. It really is an honor. And while I dont think my story is anything special I am so glad you found inspiration and strength in it. I was actually contemplating shutting down the blogs as I am not keeping up with them as much as I would like. But you meeting me and telling me this reminded me that if it even helps one person in the least it was all worth it. And for that I thank you. I look forward to seeing you at future walks and hearing more about your precious son Nathan. <3


To any other readers that I may meet one day in person: Im sorry if I dont recognize your blog right away. I am following SO many BLM blogs and Im sorry but I am a terrible at reading all posts. With the demands of a single mom and full time work I have very little time to myself to just do what I would like. Please know that I am always happy to meet fellow BLMs and especially those that have come to know me and my kids through my blog. Feel free to introduce yourself and I would very much like to be there for you.


And with that Ill leave you with a few more pictures from the walk. Once again if you check out my facebook photos there are more. And again, feel free to add me on facebook. 




Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

This is actually a very difficult question to answer. As a single mom time to myself is a rarity. And even when I do find a moment to myself to be able to be given the time and peace I need to meditate and really think of my journey through grief is even more rare. So I suppose the answer to this is no.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

I will walk for the steps Genesis will never take at the Walk To Remember Los Angeles 2nd Annual 5k.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

Well I already mentioned a few of the ways I keep her memory alive. I have also found great comfort in making her scrapbook/ memory book. I enjoy visiting her stone in the children's memorial garden and taking new pics with her stone. I try to find new and creative ways to make more memories.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

Again I sort of touched on it but only myself and D speak it freely. Once in a while my sister will, but aside from that nope.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

The easy and short answer is they have not. They have swept it under the rug. They rarely speak of her. My mom will tell you that she looks forward to see her in the new system but that's about it. She says she doesn't like talking about something so sad. but what she doesn't realize is that not speaking her name makes me sad. Ive tried to explain this to her but she will not speak of it. My sister is the only other person who has mentioned Genesis since she died. Don't get that confused with showing support, she is not supportive. But she has mentioned Genesis' name a handful of times since she died and for that I am thankful. My family in general has taken the lets pretend nothing happened approach and it kills me.

Something odd

I had a dream a few nights ago... a dream about Genesis. Or at least I thought it was her. I was pregnant, term, and knew that the baby I was carrying had anencephaly. The rainbows were already born but it was like I was having Genesis all over again. I remember my mom being there. I was pushing her out... it felt like it was a home birth, and I reached down and delivered her myself. She wasn't moving. I figured she was stillborn. And at first I tried to revive her. But in the process I told my mom... maybe I shouldn't... she is already at peace and if I bring her back it will be only to die again, and I didn't want her to suffer. Just then she started to come back. She started moving. I remember her head looked perfect... not like it did before where she was missing a part. She had a head full of dark hair just like her siblings. The dream was so real I even felt her wet slippery body in my arms. I wrapped her up in a blanket and all of a sudden someone said "Its a boy!" I was in shock! Seriously I was gong out of my mind saying "what?! I dont have two daughters? seriously?!" The last I remember of this dream is that now I had to come up with a boy name. Very crazy dream indeed.

A few sweet reminders

Yesterday I was getting to go to the gym with the rainbows as I do everyday after work and all of a sudden D says "Genesis". My sister heard him too. We both sort of looked at each other and I asked him why he said that. He didn't really respond. Instead he looked at me and said "Genesis is in Jehovah's memory." This brought a smile to my face. Then he asks me "where are we gonna see her?" He was asking me so that I would ask him where we were gonna see her again. So I asked him where. His reply "In the new system." This made me so very very happy. I told him that too. That I loved that he always remembered his big sister and I told him to continue doing that forever.

This morning sort of out of the blue I shed a few tears. I was sort of already a bit emotional... with a heavy heart since today marks the one year anniversary of the passing of my dear friend Tiffany's precious son Julius. This had been weighing on me for a bit and today it hit me. So I started out the morning already feeling like that... then on my drive to work I said a prayer as I normally do... but when I got to the part about thanking God for my children and to remember Genesis in the book of life I sort of lost it.... I started crying on my way to work. Totally unexpected. Perhaps it has something to do with that this weekend is the Walk To Remember. Either way Im not sure why it all hit, it just did.

So when I get into work today the first call I answer is from a company called Genesis merchant processing. The guy answers "Hi this is _____ from Genesis." It totally made me smile and I just know it was a wink helping me feel better. I love you baby girl.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

This is a hard one. I would have to answer yes though my knowledge on the subject is limited. My ex husband was only in the picture a short time after Genesis died. And that time was a blur. I don't really remember exact details too well. I don't remember him speaking of her much. I remember mother's day came around not too long after she died and it was before we were given the ok to TTC again. He wished me a happy mother's day. Then father's day rolled around as well and I wished him a happy father's day. I don't recall him really crying after we came home from the hospital from having her, or really talking about her or what happened. Then a week after finding out we were pregnant with our rainbow he left. He didn't care about this new life that was just beginning within me... the one that we I had so much ridding on. So it was evident the life we had lost with Genesis was much less important to him. There was a time after he left where we met up in hopes of fixing things. It was March 2008, I was 9 months pregnant with our rainbow. I remember saying with tears in my eyes "I cant believe she would have been 1 this month." He said nothing. He also said nothing about the baby boy that was going to be born within a month. I saw no grief in his eyes at all. The was the last time I spoke her name to him in person. On her birthday I texted him to see if he remembered what that day was... no reply. He has never mentioned her since. As far as my ex husband goes, he has no emotion towards this. He has no emotion towards our living children even. He might as well just have been a sperm donor for all of them. I know my situation is not typical but this is my experience with the father of my children.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

I sort of touched on it on my previous posts, but yes. D knows of Genesis and speaks her name freely. G is still too little to really grasp it but I look forward to the day where I can hear both my rainbows speak her name.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children, how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Well losing Genesis has not really affected the rainbows, mostly because they came after her. As mentioned before though, I am teaching them that they do have a big sister that is in Jehovah's memory and that we will all be reunited one day.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes I do. I have really great days most of the time. The tough days are usually around the anniversaries. {found out I was pregnant, birthday, EDD} Even when I don't think about it my heart remembers. Then of course there are those few days a year where out of the blue grief just punches me in the stomach. Those days are few and far between though.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

I do a few things to remember Genesis. You all know about Names On The Sidewalk and Written From The heart. I donate memory boxes on her birthday every year to the hospital she was born in. I teach her siblings all about her and the hope we have of seeing her again. I have many little trinkets around the house reminding me of her. Of course I also have this blog. Those are just a few but there are just really too many ways to list them all.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

This is a very tricky question. Ive blogged about it before. It really depends on a few things:

-who asks
-how I am feeling
-where I am
-how well I know the person

You would be surprised how a simple answer can steer the whole conversation. You would think that a simple reply of "3 kids" would be easy and they would just leave it at that. Nope, not so much. Ive been asked a ton of questions after I reply with 3. Ive been asked how old they are and even where they are right now and what they are doing. Seriously, how do I reply to that. So it all depends how much I'm willing to get into at the time.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

You all know the answer to this one. Yes, I get "winks" all the time. I love them. I don't know who is sending them to me... weather its her or God reminding me that he remembers her. Either way I love them

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

My rainbows. Plain and simple. They saved my life and have given me a reason to live.

Monday, October 3, 2011

31 Days Blogging Challenge for BLMs

My dear friend Cassie has created this blog challenge in honor of Pregnancy & Infancy Loss Awareness Month. Please feel free to join me.

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?


I know I am a few days behind so I will get caught up:


Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general. 
In a nutshell this is what I tell people about me. I am a single mother of 3. 2 rainbows I can hold in my arms and a sweet little girl I hold in my heart.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats. 
I feel you all know about Genesis pretty well, and I have decided to keep my rainbow's info at a minimum on this blog. 
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
This question/ topic sort of makes me sad. To be honest, I dont have "a rock". Never have. It has been me myself and I through this journey. Yes I have the support of countless BLMs, both online and even fewer irl. And I treasure those mamas, but I cant say that anyone has really been a rock to me. I guess I would say I have had to be my own rock. 
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...