Friday, September 30, 2011

I choose the perfect name for her after all...

So someone just asked me what Magali means. That is Genesis' middle name. I gotta say that I was sort of embarrassed because I didn't know what it meant. I choose that name because its my mothers first name. Well I looked it up and it means "pearl", "daughter of the sea" and "child of light". Oh my god. For reals? This brought me to tears. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS referred to Genesis as my precious pearl and had no idea this is what her name meant. I have a very fond memory at the beach at sunset while I was pregnant with her.. thus the daughter of the sea. And the child of light... hello.... no need to even explain that one... I'm simply blown away.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Remembering the storm and knowing the rainbow...

I apologize as this post is rather late but I thought better late than never. 

I am still talking to mr.x, things are going very very well. I had previously mentioned that his mother was a BLM, and he, her rainbow. Back on September 5th we had a significant day. Well what do I mean by "significant day"? Well Ill tell you.

September 5th, 2011 was the one year anniversary of his mothers death. The day before, I knew the 5th was going to be amazing because of the marvelous show the skies offered. This was also going to be our first Skype date. This is a long distance relationship, he is over 1000 miles from me so this is a very important aspect of our relationship and getting to know each other. I just knew that seeing him face to face on this most significant day was a sign. A sign or wink of good things to come. I wanted to let him know that I remembered what the day was and I gifted him one of Carly's beautiful pictures with his mother's name in the sand.
It was a small token but still beautiful and letting him know I remembered. After all just because she is gone doesn't mean she is forgotten. She still matters to him. {catch where I am going with this} I simply remembered his lost mother as I wish people to remember my lost daughter. He was really touched. He told me I was the only one that remembered. Not even his family... then he said "surprising huh..." I was like "well no, not really. My family never remembers Genesis' anniversary so I'm used to them not remembering but it totally makes my day when someone does remember." We have that connection now too... remembering our loved ones. Both have had their names written on this precious beach as well.

The other day as well there came to be another connection. Prior to her passing, mr.x's mom was quite the bookworm. Always reading and studying... she was quite the intelligent woman and such an inspiration. {I would have loved to get to know her} After she passed mr.x found one of the books she had recently been reading. It was the biggest fattest book ever. Don't really recall the subject though. He was looking through it one day and found that she had written a note in the book. Nothing huge, but she wrote the word "Sublime". This always stuck with him. This phrase/word reminds him of his mother. I was looking online at the meaning of Sublime and found this. If you click the link to the left look under the section titled "Ancient philosophy". My girl's name is there! I was blown away... like really, what are the odds? It's just too much to not be something. 

Also getting back to the marvelous sunset preceding the night of mr.x's mother's anniversary... There was a double rainbow in the sky. Rainbows of course are even more magnificent to a BLM. I was texting mr.x that night about the beautiful sunset and we had this conversation:

me: there was a double rainbow over here today. Just stunning....I don't think Ive told you the significance of rainbows to me

mr.x: not sure you have sweetheart.

me: A child born after the loss of a previous child is called a rainbow baby. This explanation may help you better understand: 
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
So it makes me think of Genesis and makes me so thankful for the kids I do have still.

mr.x: Well that is something beautiful isn't it. Very lovely..

me: It is :) I love that quote.

mr.x: Now so do I... Ill think of you when I see rainbows. 

Seriously... wow. Ok so I told him what a rainbow baby was. I was a bit scared of how he may react. Men are typically not that sensitive to these type of emotional connections and I wasn't sure how it was going to be received. But being that this was a huge part of my life and we were talking about rainbows, it seemed like the perfect opportunity. And as you can see he thought it was just as beautiful as I did and has made it a personal connection to me. I cannot help but swoon over this. SO amazing. Ladies I think I found a keeper.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

We dropped in for a visit

I took the rainbows to Genesis' Garden today. Let me take a step back actually. As a BLM you all know that our babies are always on our mind and we always miss them. Those are the facts. Yesterday out of the blue as I was approaching bed time I suddenly missed her really bad. You know... The kind of missing that makes your arms ache to hold her one last time. The kind where the tears start building up for no reason in particular. The kind were you wish you could give her one more kiss and breath in her sweet air. The kind where you cry yourself to sleep. Ya, that kind. I don't know where it came from but it did. Perhaps it was the fact that my 28th birthday just passed and I sort of took a step back and looked at my life and how I never imagined I would ever be where I am. Perhaps it was the fact that the rest of the week was pretty terrible as well... Beginning with my mom attempting suicide (she's ok now). That was a huge trigger for me. The first time she did that if you recall from previous posts, I was in the two week wait while I was pregnant with Genesis. I remember thinking "I could be pregnant right now and if she dies now she will never know that she is a grandmother...." It took me right back to that day in 2006. It could also be that my car got broken into and someone decided to steal my things. It seems that bad things and negative feelings toward anything have a tendency to dug up the dormant sadness I have for Genesis. Then again it could also be that G had a near choking incident this week too. She ate too many crackers and she began to choke. I saw her with that frightened look in her face, then she started to grab at her throat and turn purple. I swear my heart stopped and jumped out of my chest as I reached in her mouth and turned her upside down to get it out. Thankfully she was fine but it reminded me once again of how fragile life is. And how things can change in a heartbeat. For a split second the horror of losing another daughter popped in my mind... Ya, it's been a rough week. So perhaps it was all these things that may have made me miss sweet Genesis so bad last night.

I decided it had been much too long since we have visited her garden so I decided today we were going to go without fail. On the way there this truck was in front of me. Do you see what I noticed on it?

Yes, the chain with the lock hanging off the back of the truck looked like a heart. It made me smile.

When we arrived D knew exactly where we were and ran to her rock. Then a couple came walking through with their son. D immediately befriended him and said "wanna see Genesis' rock?" and walked him over to it. So very sweet. I looked up only to realize I knew the man in front of me. He was my old principle from junior high. That was back in 1995-1997. It instantly made me think of happier days... You know, pre-BLM days. Here are some pictures from our visit:

Then when I got home I got a wonderful email. I had ordered a custom mug a while ago. But this mug required a lot of work so it took a bit of time to make. I got an email letting me know that it was done. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am with it. It's a mug to remember and have all my kids with me. I have blurred out the rainbows names for privacy reasons, but you can still see how amazing this mug is:

I should be getting it by Monday or so. Isn't it just amazing? I could not be more thrilled. If you are interested it having your own mug made, click here to visit her etsy shop.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Am I a downer? and a few winks...

Yesterday I posted a picture on facebook of me and the rainbows. It came out really cute if I do say so myself, its one of my favorites now. However as soon as I saw the picture and how nice it came out, the thought that popped in my head was "how I wish Genesis could be in this picture too..." It's quite the mixture of emotions... I love the picture, I love my rainbows dearly and yet I long for that feeling of completion in everything.... There is always the feeling that she is missing... and rightfully so. But I feel that when I voice this that sometimes people may see me as debby downer. I certainly dont feel down and dont mean to bring others down... Im sure all you BLMs understand that its just that she is on my mind ALWAYS. I miss her ALWAYS. And missing and thinking of her doesnt mean Im depressed or down or thinking morbid thoughts. To me its the same as my living children. I think of them always because what mother doesnt have her kids on her mind? Even when I sleep I dream about the kids. Its just part of being a mother... at least to me it is. 

On a more positive note... yesterday we had the most magnificent sunset in a long time. Check out some of the pictures taken from my iphone. {photos not edited, please do not copy}

In the last photo you can see a glimpse of a rainbow at the top there. Apparently there was a double rainbow too that I couldnt see from my view. However a friend of mine texted me a picture of it:
Amazing stuff right there. {And btw have you noticed that the double rainbow is always in reverse order? pretty neat} So of course the magnificent skies and the rainbows made me think of my sweet girl. And to make it even more amazing as I was snapping pictures a hummingbird flew right by me! Then this morning when I let the dogs out at the ungodly hour of 6:30am another hummingbird came and flew right next to me. She stayed for a good 10 seconds or so. Totally winks, Im sure of it. 
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