Tuesday, August 30, 2011

An explanation and a few winks

I apologize for my abrupt post yesterday and making my blog private for the first time EVER. It really was not planned. As mentioned before I am in the very beginnings of a new relationship with mr.x and being that this blog was previously public and full of 100% truth and raw emotion, I am currently not ready to share this huge part of my life with him yet. And don't get that mistaken with Genesis though. As previously mentioned before I have told him about her. It's just every little thought and wink and emotion I feel regarding her is something I'm not quite ready to open up so deeply regarding Genesis yet. I hope you all understand. Im sure there will be a time in the future where I go public again.

In the meantime here are a few winks that have crossed my path in the last few days. I was sitting at my desk at work admiring the gorgeous view {and yes I occasionally do, do work lol} and I was literally thinking to myself... boy, a wink would be nice right about now. I then quickly realize what is staring at me outside my window. A giant X. It definitely caught my attention.

Then on a different day on my way home from work I saw a letter "G" in the clouds. Do you see it? It's turned to the right.

I had previously seen other letters in the clouds and had always wanted to see a "G" but never had. I thought what are the odds. "G's" are a complicated shape for a cloud... well at least in my opinion it is lol and I never actually expected to see a "G". Well I finally did get my "G". Put a smile on my face.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Going Private

Im sorry all, the time has come to make my blog private. Message me if you would like to be an invited reader.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Someone new learns about Genesis

I did it. I mentioned to you all that I met someone new... Mr. X. And I had not yet told him that I was actually the mother of 3 children. Well that all changed last night. We were talking and then the subject of the kids came up and my mothering them... and it just felt like the right time. Here is what I said:

me: "You know... Since you brought up the kids... there is something I have to tell you..."

mr. x: "Ok, Im all ears..."

me: "I actually have 3 kids... However my first daughter passed away. I didnt want to mention it before as it's a bit awkward for others... But she is very much still loved and still a member of the family. She would have been 4. I dont tell you so that you feel sorry for me or anything... I bring her up because what mom doesn't like talking about her kids :) Just thought I would share this really important aspect of my life with you. I cant wait to see her in the new system and have her meet her siblings."

I tell you... my heart was in my throat as I told him this. I had no idea how he was going to react to this. I sort of imagined just like everyone else that isnt a BLM... sort of aghast, shocked and maybe even turned off like I was some freak weirdo walking around with leprosy. After what felt like an eternity here is what he replied with:

mr. x: "Very sorry to hear that... must take quite a bit of strength and love to carry on as you must have been..... I would have had an older brother but he passed when he was a baby... and my mom had two miscarriages before she had me. You are truly beautiful tiffany."

Wow. I was blown away. His mom was a BLM. And he is her rainbow. {I have yet to explain rainbow babies to him... but in time} And he isnt even a father and he recognizes how difficult this is. I couldn't ask for a more understanding man. He was raised by his mom in a single parent house so he has a great admiration for single moms and knows the life of a single mom, and being that she was a BLM too he knows that aspect as well, well at least better than your average joe.

I went on to tell him that her name was Genesis. He replied that she had a lovely name and that he thought I was superwoman before but now he is sure of it. Wow, Im just blown away. Im so glad I finally told him, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It can only be smooth sailing from here. And things are going great. I ask for continued prayers that if this is a good thing for my rainbows and I, to let it happen.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

He always remembers her

Last Sunday the kids and I went to meeting (church). D knows that the kingdom hall is Jehovah's house. And every time I tell him we are going to "Salon" (kingdom hall in Spanish) he asks if we are going to see Genesis. He thinks this because he knows that Genesis is in Jehovah's memory... and he thinks that she is actually with him. It's just darling, and brings tears to my eyes. While we were sitting in the library listening to the meeting D heard the speaker say "Genesis" when he quoted a scripture and right away D looked up at me with a smile recognizing his sister's name. It warmed my heart.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Genesis had a visitor

Yesterday I nice surprise via text message. One of my friends, sent me a text picture. This is what I got:

It was of her son visiting Genesis' rock at Garfield Park. It was such a lovely surprise to know that she was remembered and visited yesterday. It instantly brought a smile to my face and made my day. Im so thankful for such wonderful friends. And to this very special friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This only reminds me that it has been too long since Ive visited her special place. I need to plan a visit with the rainbows soon. Maybe a picnic.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Does it mean anything?... and a glimmer of a new start

I had another pregnancy dream last night. First let me take back for a moment. I met someone recently and we are still just getting to know each other. I am so very scared, excited, nervous, cautious... {enter any and all emotions here} and well he is on my mind a lot. We will call him Mr.X for now. So in my dream Mr.X and I were an official couple. But before we were official I did artificial insemination again. In my dream I just found out I was pregnant. I was in the doctor's office with my mom, D and G. The nurse was there and had me take a pregnancy test, and there were those bright 2 pink lines. She then went on to give me a general rundown on taking prenatals and the sort. As she was going over her check list she said something to me. Something like "You better not catch that virus or your baby will die." I got so mad at her and told her to have some compassion in how she speaks to people and that I had lost 2 children already. Yes you read that right. In my dream I told her 2. One was a miscarriage and one was stillborn. I can't fathom why my subconsciousness mind would say 2. God I hope my number does not increase in the future. So anyway getting back to my dream, I met up with Mr.X for dinner and we were having an awesome time. And I was left with the tough situation of telling him I was pregnant and it wasn't his, and how to explain how it was that I did get pregnant {think Jennifer Lopez in The Backup Plan}. Ya very weird dream. This dream was obviously a mix of the past and the future and then a little unknown. So needless to say the dream sort of freaked me out because of the two losses thing.

And since I brought up Mr.X I might as well spill a few details. As mentioned above, we are still getting to know each other. Nothing is serious right now, though I gotta say I am falling for him quite fast which I told myself I wouldn't do. Im just such a romantic I cant seem to help it. I am proceeding with caution though. Of course dating is much harder now with kids. Not only that but this, if it works out, will be a long distance relationship. Like a-1000-miles-between-us long distance relationship. So it's gonna take lots of work and time. But so far we are hitting it off great. He even said he wouldn't be surprised if fireworks go off when we meet in person. Isn't he a sweetheart? ok ok getting ahead of myself. So getting back to the reason I wanted to talk about Mr.X. I have not told him about Genesis yet. Part of me feels guilty for holding back. But I am waiting for the right time. As mentioned before I am looking for someone that is accepting of ALL my kids. Here or not. As things progress I'm sure I will share more about him and how he reacts to learning about Genesis. Until then I ask for prayers that this all works out.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

A decade later, a visit and the next generation

This last Friday was my 10 year high school reunion. Nothing like a decade to make you feel old. And no, I did not go. I kept in touch with the people that mattered to me. I didn't really care to see the people that were "too good" to talk to me in high school. So I spared myself from being subjected to the separation of the cliques, the judgmental looks from the "popular crowd" and the awkward questions like where my life has taken me and how many kids I have. 

I did however see the photos of the reunion posted online. Boy did that bring out a huge range of emotions for me. There were a couple people it would have been nice to see. Most people looked exactly the same as they did 10 years ago... a few made you sort of take a double take in disbelief that that was what they looked like now. I wonder if I would have been one of those people... where they look at me and say "what the heck happened to you.." Guess Ill never know. 

But more importantly, looking at these photos made me very aware of something. Something I already knew but it only made it that more evident to me. I am not who I was then. Im just not her anymore and it ultimately comes down to the fact that Genesis died. I imagined for a moment what it would have been like if I had gone. I could already envision myself sitting alone most of the time. If I found my old crowd that once accepted me I doubt we would get along like we used to. I can imagine the uncomfortable silence and awkward conversation. I am no longer the 18 year old version of myself. That outgoing, funny and happy girl isnt me. It's more evident that I am only half of myself. Dare I say Im half living... Even at my happiest Im no where near the carefree, happy, life loving girl I was. I miss her. I miss her dearly. Almost as much as I miss my sweet girl.

Something else that also took place this weekend was meeting my very first niece Khloe for the very first time. She was a total cutie and I feel so very special having a niece now. But of course it reminded me of Genesis and how she was the first niece for all of my siblings as well. 

We took photos with all the grandkids with my mom and dad. It was a total of 5 sitting on and around them. Then we took a photo with all the cousins. There were 7 of them all lined up in a row. As we were taking their photos on the couch we realized we were looking at the next generation and it sort of made us look back and see ourselves in them. It was very sweet. And then of course I was the only one {probably} who remembered that there was a cousin missing. My sweet Genesis should of been sitting right there on that couch with the rest of them. She would have been the second oldest one sitting on that couch sitting right between D and G. It totally made me sad. The trip back was a 4 hour car ride and practically the entire way I was thinking about her and imagining what should of been. 

My relationship with my brother isnt the best. It's no secret to anyone who knows us or to anyone in the family. But I tell you... the things he says never ceases to shock me. He straight up said "I never really liked kids and now that I have my own I really hate them." What in the world is that? Seriously?! First of all what a terrible thing to say about your own kids and kids in general. But to say that to me... the one who lost a child is so very rude and inconsiderate. Later on in the day I asked to take a photo with him and he replied by telling me we already took a photo last year when I saw him. I simply replied that I had no idea I was limited to 1 photo a year. That's my brother for you. I wish we had a better relationship but I think Ive come to accept that this is the way it is. I however am still not used to the insults that spew from his mouth.

Once again Ill say what I always say.... what Im sure is old news and annoying to outsiders...but...god I miss her.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Have I come to peace with Genesis' passing

I was talking with Cassie this weekend and she asked me this question. I will ask you exactly what I asked her. What does that really mean? Do I know that she died and she isn't coming back? Yes. Do I know I didn't cause this condition? Yes. Do I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it? Yes. Do I realize I will be living the rest of my life without one of my children? You betcha. But does this all really mean I have come to peace with her passing? I don't think so. And that may be where my problem is. Especially since I don't really know what coming to peace means. I know I cant change anything. I can't change the past. I cant bring her back. 

But if coming to peace means forgetting, or not talking about her then I don't want to come to peace with that. I just don't know how to speak of her in a group setting like at the face2face dinner and not cry when I speak her name. I sometimes cry even when its speaking to just one person. It all depends on so much. How I'm already feeling that day, who it is that I'm talking to and where. When I was the only one that cried at the meet up it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I really should be getting help for my grief.

Cassie asked me some really good questions that I had not really considered before and I thank her dearly for it. Sometimes we cannot see what is right in front of us and we need that extra set of eyes to bring things to our attention. I don't get to talk about Genesis out loud the majority of the time. If I start to bring her up I get shot down by my family. Or I get weird looks from people like why the heck am I talking about a dead child. So a lot of the time I keep her thoughts to myself. I type them out on facebook and here on her blog. Typing it out has helped me tremendously but I don't think it is all that I need. I'm missing the other half. Speaking of her in real life, face to face, out loud to someone. Someone like a counselor or therapist or something. Problem is I don't have health insurance and I surly do not have the money to pay out of pocket. Then comes the time factor. I have so little time to do anything it's a wonder I find a moment each day to take a shower and keep the house clean.

Perhaps if I ever did come across the money to do this I could sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom and see if she could take care of the rainbows for me while I go to my sessions to get counseling. I think that may work. But only time will tell if I ever get the money to do that. So for now I guess this is it. 

But for those of you that see a therapist or go to a counselor what are your thoughts? What do you do in a session? Is it the same each time? I can already see myself being a crying mess at each session and wondering if it's worth putting myself through that. How soon did you see an improvement? Did you see an improvement? What constitutes as an improvement? Not crying anymore? I'm not even sure what my expectations are on this. I feel my heart will always cry for her and sometimes those tears make it to the outside with visible tears. I also consider myself an emotional person so maybe I just cant help it. I don't know. As you can see I have so many random thoughts about this. I don't know what to think or where to start. 

One thing I do know for sure though is that I don't feel consumed by her. She is on my mind always, yes. She is remembered in my home and I speak of her freely with the rainbows and that feels great. It feels healing and it feels normal and right. It in no way feels like an unhealthy balance or way of remembering her. Not to me anyway. And though I am involved with babyloss a lot... with Walk To Remember LA, Names On The Sidewalk, Written From The Heart, blogging, my BLM friends on facebook.... I don't feel that sadness and depression consume me. In fact I don't really consider myself a sad or depressed person. I generally am pretty happy. I can miss her and still be happy. And that feels good to me. But if this is the case why do I cry still... ugh. Back to square one.

Why can't she be remebered like this

Tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversary. And Ive mentioned before that me and my siblings are all adopted. I was the first to be adopted but before me there was another little girl that they were going to adopt. She was born the year before me on August 2nd.

They had pretty much completed the adoption process and pretty much were just waiting for this little girl to be born. They had paid this lady's medical bills, treated her like a queen and had already started getting baby things for this baby girl. They get the call that the lady is in labor and that the baby will probably be born the next day. When they arrive at the hospital the next day to bring home their new daughter, turns out another couple beat them to it. Adoption wasn't what it is today. And a couple at the hospital heard she was giving up the baby and offered her cash right on the spot. She took it. And she and the hospital sent my parents home with empty arms.

My heart breaks every time I hear that story. I feel for them, I really do. My mom brings up that little girl every year on their anniversary. Wondering where she is and where she ended up. She was already attached. Even 29 years later this little girl is still on her mind. Because part of her already fell in love with this little girl that was supposed to be her daughter. part of her heart does consider her a daughter still.

And while I am sympathetic to this loss, because it is a loss, I often wonder why Genesis cant be remembered by my family like this. Is it because she died and it's just too sad? I just don't understand it. 
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