Sunday, July 31, 2011

More love

I got more love shown to me over the weekend by a dear BLM friend. Her kindness never ceases to amaze me. She sent me this:

See the bottom left hand corner?

What a sweetheart. She brought tears to my eyes with her thoughtfulness. Thank you for remembering sweet Genesis with me dear friend.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


On my way home from work yesterday I was stopped at a light and a dragonfly flew back and forth in front of my car. It was a orange-red one. Totally made me think of my girl. Then when the light changed and I started to drive I saw a sticker on the car in front of me. Check it out:

That's right. It's a girl with wings and a halo and it says "Angel Baby". Wow. I could not take my eyes off of it. Seriously what are the odds?

Then further along in my drive I saw this license plate:

I noticed the "JEH" and instantly thought of Jehovah which reminded me that Jehovah has Genesis in his memory and written in the book of life. He knows her better than even I did/do. This brought me comfort.

Then I got home and started getting ready for the dinner. I noticed I got a package in the mail. Remember a while back I mentioned I won a giveaway from Yasmina's Gift of Hope? Yea. I won a personalized journal which I thought was so neat since always make them for others it was neat that now a BLM was making one for me. Here is the special package that made today even more special:

And of course I had to wear my Genesis bracelet:

So I got ready and headed out the door to meet up with Cassie and Karen. On my way there I saw this:

I know it's a terrible picture, sorry. But here is what I saw. On the left is a store called Rainbow Gifts with a rainbow on the window. On the right is a black and white drawing of a angel girl. Again this totally made me think of Genesis and also that she is sort of reminding me I have the rainbows to love.

So I met up with Cassie and Karen and we went on our way. We met at a cute mexican restaurant in the OC. It was actually at the same exact location of the OC Walk To Remember last year.

We arrived and were greeted by 7 lovely ladies. I was really looking forward to this and was so excited to share an anniversary with tonight's dinner. Being that this was my first meet up I really didn't know how this usually worked. I figured we would enjoy good company and share stories about our kids. And that we did, however it didn't go as I thought it would.

I'm usually ok when I talk about Genesis to 1 or 2 people at a time. But I've never been in a situation where I am telling a group about her and her story. I've never been to group support or therapy or counseling. This was the closest thing to it.

We actually went around the table telling our story with all the other ladies. I was fine with this. But then I was the first one to go. I had 9 sets of eyes on me as I spoke of my lost daughter. As soon as I started talking I felt my throat tightening up. I kept talking. Then my eyes filled with tears. I had to stop. The ladies were more than understanding and they continued around the table.

Each had their own heartbreaking stories. One thing I noticed was I was "the veteran". Everyone's loss was quite recent. Mine was years out while most were months and just past the first year. Another thing I noticed, no one else cried. I had the most time pass since my loss and I was the one who was a mess. What's wrong with me? I'm not sure why I still cry. I don't know if I'll ever not cry. And is crying about it still a bad thing? I just don't know the answer to any of this. What I do know is that I felt like a fool for crying. I hate being the center of attention and I hate crying in public, both of which happened. But oh well, moving on.

Overall I had a good time. I really do enjoy sharing Genesis story with others despite the tears. Here are some pictures from yesterday:

Oh and wanna hear something funny? Everyone except me, Cassie and Karen was pregnant. Yep. It's a beautiful thing to see so many rainbows on the way <3 And while we were there it happened to be someone's birthday and the waiters gathered around their table and sang them their birthday song. I couldn't help but think that today was supposed to be Genesis birthday as well. On the drive home we passed Disneyland which was having their fireworks show as we passed. I felt it made Genesis anniversary even more special:

Also this morning something special happened. I got home late last night so I let D spend the night at grandmas. This morning I took G to go pick him up. While we were there both D&G started playing and wandering around mama's room. I just sat on my moms bed making small talk with her. Then all of a sudden G walks up to me and hands me this:

I have never seen this before and when I read the words "Our first granddaughter" I thought my mom maybe got a folder to put G's photos in or something. I was not expecting what I saw inside:

A copy of the card the hospital gave me of Genesis footprint and birth stats. Wow. I was stunned that G handed this to me. All these things can't be coincidence. I know they are winks and Jehovah is letting me know she is safe with him.

Over all yesterday was an amazing day filled with winks galore. I thank everyone who kept Genesis and I in their thoughts.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Will others ever tire of me?

As I get post after post and message after message on both my cell phone and facebook page of beautiful people remembering Genesis today with me, I wonder if there will come a time when they will tire of this. 

It's been 4 years. 4 years of anniversaries. Anniversary of the positive pregnancy test, anniversary of her birth/death and anniversary of her EDD. 3 dates a year that tug on my heart. I can already picture someone telling me "Come on its already been _ years. Get over it." I don't know when this statement will come. It may not be today, or next year or 5 years from now. But I know it will come. And of course it will come from a non BLM, because no BLM would ever say something so ridiculous. There will never be a time in my life where I am healed. Where I wont remember her on these dates. Where I don't have breakdowns and weep that I am living life without one of my children. It just doesn't work that way. 

I got a wonderful comment on my facebook page today. Among all the loving comments from fellow BLMs I got a comment from a friend of mine who is not a BLM. She actually just had her second baby girl a few weeks ago {the one I blogged about}. And she told me that she was thinking of me and Genesis and that she couldn't wait to meet her in the new system. I seriously cannot tell you how much that meant to me. I adore the love, support and comments my BLMs leave me, but when a non BLM leaves me a note... wow. I am floored and beyond moved because its totally unexpected. It brought me to tears then when I read her comment and again now that I am blogging about it. 

There is a quote that I love and wanted to share:
'If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.'" -Elizabeth Edwards
So I thank everyone for not only remembering that she is no longer her, but more importantly that she was here. And that she counted even though she couldn't stay long.

4 years ago today was supposed to be so different

July 29th, 2007. That was Genesis' estimated due date. Knowing the way I gestate and when my children like to come, she probably would have been a few days early. Nonetheless, I associate today with her memory.

Of all the anniversary dates for Genesis, this one is the easiest one to cope with. But again, that doesn't mean today is easy. It just means that so far I'm not an uncontrollable sobbing mess that only see's in black and white today. I'm still a little somber.

Luckily I will be spending the evening in good company. I am attending my first Face2Face get together. This one is hosted by the Face2Face of Orange County. I thought that it was appropriate for my first to be on one of her dates. I think in all there will be about 12 - 15 blms there. I know a few of them as well, like Cassie, Karen and of course the OC Face2Face leader herself, Angie

These 3 blms have a very special place in my heart. Cassie of course is founder of Walk To Remember Los Angeles. Not only am I in awe of all the work she has put into WTRLA, but she has turned out to be one of my closest friends. We are two peas in a pod and she is one of the few people that truly gets me. Mya's twin sister Sophia has a special place in my heart. Karen and I met at the WTRLA last year. I was the first IRL BLM she had met :) We also met up for the Wave Of Light candle lighting. She was awesome enough to come to G's rainbow party and we met up for lunch before. Her story of her son baby Mason is both beautiful and heartbreaking. More recently, Mason had a baby sister join him, sweet Madison. No one should have to go through this at all let alone twice. And last but not least Angie. What a beautiful soul of light. Once again I met Angie for the first time at the WTRLA last year. We had been facebook friends but this was the first time we had met in person. She is just a doll. She wasn't going to the walk, nor did she really live near, she's in the OC, but she saw that I had no support from my family and didn't want me going alone. So she and her husband Kevin drove all the way up to LA just for little ol me and did the entire walk with me and my rainbows. During our time together I learned of their gorgeous little boy Aiden. And did I mention it was only a mere weeks after losing Aiden? I remember talking about her trying for a rainbow and she was worried if it would happen. I am happy to say Angie is expecting her rainbow and I can't wait to see her gorgeous belly. All these women are just an inspiration to me and dear BLM sisters. I cant wait to meet the new BLMS, not because I like it when anyone joins this terrible club, but because I like to spread the love and support. And of course get to know their precious children. I will be sure to take lots of pics and post about how our dinner went. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I dont know if this is normal

Since Genesis died I have sort of turned morbid. Well no, wording it that way just sounds weird. Not morbid but death is never far from my mind. Like about worrying that the worst will happen to the rainbows or that something may happen to me. 

I suppose it has some to do with the passing of Amy Winehouse over the weekend. She was 27... that's my age. That sort of hits you in the stomach, showing you that no we are not invincible in our youth and not everyone dies old {boy don't I already know that}. I ponder my own mortality. I worry about the rainbows and what will happen to them after I'm gone.

Don't me wrong, I'm not planning on going anywhere. I would stay here forever if I could. I would never want to leave my children. Even when they are grown and they have their own children. But we all know that's not the way things work. There will come a time where I have to say goodbye. And I sort of ponder that day. 

Ive mentioned before that I'm scared of dying. Probably an obvious statement but I am. I scared of the unknown. In which way Ill go. It it will be painful. Dragged out. If Ill be alone. Not sure why I think these things but I do. More recently I was thinking of how my family will react when I'm gone. What will be said at my funeral. And then it hit me.... will they say I was a mother of 2 or 3? Is this ridiculous that I am thinking this? Ok I answered my own question... but the question still lingers. If I had it my way I would have them say I was a mother of 3 {if I had more kids by then well then add more to that number just make sure to include Genesis} and that I leave behind 2 children {or however many I may have at that time} and I join one in her sleep.

I'd like to get a will in place and have that among many other things in it. I know its probably not the most important thing but it brings me comfort and it's the way I want to exit this world. Reminding people of Genesis one last time.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A tough day

Today has started off pretty tough. Out of the blue on my drive to work I had a memory pop in my head. The memory of seeing my daughter for the first time. Laid out on a table at the mortuary. I replayed the events of that visit in my head as I drove. Walking over to that seemingly huge table only to see my sweet small daughter laying there, lifeless. She was the size of a large barbie doll. {yet something else she will never get to play with} 

It was such an odd mixture of emotions that day. I was excited to meet my daughter for the first time. Dare I say part of me was happy I was going to see her. I made sure that I looked my best. How stupid is that... she wasn't going to see me. Anyway, I remember being walked to the room she was in by the attendant and I hesitated for a moment. Almost holding my breath and then I went in and saw my precious girl. She was so beautiful. I instantly ran to her and just put my arms around her and let my head hang over her. I remember my tears falling on her. The only bath she got... the only bath I was ever able to give her was with my tears. She was wrapped in a little blanket. Very small, like a wash cloth size, and her feet were sticking out the bottom. Those perfectly tiny and cold feet. I wish I had put socks on her. 

These memories decided to pop into my head randomly today. Well I suppose it's not 100% random. You do know what this Friday is right? Its July 29th. Four years ago on Friday was her EDD. Knowing the way my kids are she probably would have come a few days early but the 29th is the day I associate with her memory. These days are never easy. 

I miss her so so much.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I am honored and touched

Through my Names On The Sidewalk blog I have met many amazing people. I have read countless beautiful and heartbreaking stories. And then there are a few that are inspired by my work and they go on to create their own way of showinig tribute to our children. On of these lovely ladies is Shana over at Pinwheels From Heaven. She is always finding new ways to keep my dear Genesis' memory alive. I am just so touched that Genesis has made it into the heart of a BLM like her. It means more to me than I can even express into words. 

Her most recent tribute to Genesis was this sweet little bear. Isn't she just the cutest little thing! Just adorable. And I am honored to have had even the slightest thing to do with her inspiration to start her very own project. I cannot take credit though. All credit goes to Genesis. The one that enspired it all for me. It's just beautiful when we are able to pay it forward and to help others. So thank you to Shauna and any others that I have helped. It makes it all worth it. 

Her beauty and winks are everywhere

This was the view from my desk this morning. Just stunning. The photo seriously does not do it justice. It was SO magical. How can I see this and not think of my dear Genesis. I sat here in awe and amazement. Almost with tears in my eyes and hearing the music of the sunrise in my head. I am reminded of the power and beauty of God and am once again reminded that he has the power to bring my sweet girl back. That day is going to be amazing. I cannot wait. 

Also I have not blogged about this before because I really didn't thing it was anything. Until now. Once again it has to do with me sitting here at work looking out my window at my marvelous view. Im on the 8th floor so its a decent height. Lately I have seen many feathers either floating by or floating down from above. While I was watching the incredible sunrise this morning, once again a feather came slowly drifting down in the cool morning air past my window as I gazed at the heavenly view. Seriously... there was no denying it now. All those feathers were winks. They just have to be.
Also I was inspired by Angie's post to confess to things I do. Sometimes my mind is just irrational. Being a BLM has done that to me. When we are pregnant with a rainbow, it doesn't matter if its our first, second or beyond, we are terrified. Terrified of what could happen. Because it has happened before. We know better than to be the oblivious pregnant woman. We know too much. And since our innocence is gone, we agonize over everything during the pregnancy. Kick counts, aches and pains, over doing it, morning sickness, exhaustion, swelling... everything could be a symptom of the unspeakable. And we say that we cannot calm down until our rainbows are in our arms.

And while that is true to an extent, new worries set in. At least for me. Worries of SIDS, choking, falling, allergic reactions, being kidnapped... The list goes on. I used to say that it wasn't till my kids were about 18 months - 2 years old where I finally settle down and think to myself, ok... they aren't going anywhere. I think they are here to stay. And again, while that is true to an extent the worry still has not gone away.

I still check my 3 year old at night to make sure he is still breathing while he is asleep. I go in and check on him about a dozen times while he is in the shower making sure he didn't fall. I call to my toddler from the other room asking if he is ok several times a day while I am in the other room tending to his sister. I worry with G that every bite of food is too big and she will choke on it. When she falls I worry that she's hurt herself. If she walks over to a wall I worry she will find the outlet. The list is endless. 

I picture worst case scenarios in my head a lot. I envision getting a call from his daycare with bad news. That something happened. I worry that D will run into the street after a toy and get hit by a car. I even worry in my sleep when I dream that G has fallen into the pool and drowned. I already envision myself having to break the news to the family that I have lost another child. I go so far as to have my mind wander into planning a funeral and learning to live life without 2 or more of my children.

How horrible is that? I don't know why I do it. I dont know what triggers thoughts like this. It's horrifying and causes me to be very over protective of the rainbows. Does anyone else deal with this? Does it ever go away? I sometimes wish I was that nieve mother again. The one who's world is blissfully ignorant and children don't die.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I hate this

I REALT hate this. Today I went to a graduation party of a family friend and of course I met people there I had never met before.

The first couple I met were very nice and as we chit chatted then came the question... "so you only have these 2 kids?" Um... Err... Yeah. Then he proceeds to ask my mom how many grandchildren she has. "oh 5.... Only 5." My heart sunk with each remark. Just when I thought I passed the difficult part I met another lady who was seated at my table. She went on to ask again that godforsaken question. "So how many kids do you have?" Um... Well...uhh... 2. "oh yea? A boy and a girl?" um, yes. "oh wonderful so you don't need anymore." Um well if God ended up blessing me with more children I would be very happy. "oh is that right..."

Seriously? I hate those question and at the end of the day those type of conversations make me feel like crap. So I just have to scream it from the mountain tops for the universe to know: I HAVE 3 CHILDREN! I AM NOT DONE HAVING KIDS UNTIL GOD DECIDES I AM DONE. MY PARENTS HAVE 6 GRANDCHILDREN AND GENESIS WAS THE FIRST GRANDCHILD! I AM NOT PERFECT BECAUSE I HAVE A LIVING SON AND DAUGHTER! IT WOULD BE PERFECT IF I COULD HOLD BOTH MY DAUGHTERS AND MY SON IN MY ARMS!

Ok. I'm done.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I dodged a bullet

At least that's what it feels like. You may remember that July is a significant month for me. Genesis' EDD is coming up on 7/29. This is probably the 'easiest' of her dates for me. Don't get that confused by thinking it's nothing. Easier means it's not as emotionally draining as the rest, still painful though. 

My friend who was pregnant was pregnant with a little girl and her edd was 7/28. I was so nervous that she may actually be born on Gensis' EDD. I may have mentioned it before but a few weeks before Genesis was born she actually told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled that we were pregnant together. Only, my baby died. She went on to have... you guessed it, a little girl. I was about 4 months pregnant with my first rainbow. Her daughter was the first baby that I held after Genesis died. I was a sobbing mess. So being that she was pregnant AGAIN, and AGAIN with a little girl and due the day before Genesis EDD really hit close to home. Well looks like baby had other plans because she was actually born 2 days ago. Thankfully mommy and baby are fine. And I feel such a huge relief knowing that Genesis' day is still all hers. I know, it's probably silly. What difference does it make in the end if she was born on 7/29... and the answer is none really. I just dont want the few things I have left... like Genesis EDD to be taken away. Or have other things diverting attention from her. I know my BLMs understand. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Baby dreams

The other night I had a dream about being pregnant. This is a little odd as I usually dont dream about being pregnant unless I am pregnant. {no Im not pregnant lol} In my dream I saw the rainbows and my big belly. I remember being so happy and thinking wow... Im gonna be a mom of 4. I woke up so happy and full of hope only to realize it was just a dream. It did give me a renewed hope that this was a glimpse of what may come to be in the future. Interestingly enough I had no idea what the gender of the baby was or how far along I was. I had a big enough belly where I think I was about 6-7 months along. I hope there are more kids in my future.

Friday, July 8, 2011

To be remembered; how very sweet.

So as I sit here at work with facebook open, yes I can facebook at work lol, I got an IM from my sister. We just chit chat about nothing really. Then she tells me she wants to create a logo & company name for a clothing line. Cute idea. I mean, come on. What girl doest dream of things like that. Not that this will ever go anywhere but thats not the point Im trying to make. In our conversation she told me she liked the idea of an acronym or initialism to make her company name. You know like L.A.M.B. Each letter stands for something {Love, Angel, Music, Baby} and she wanted to do the same. She was in the process of coming up with words that had meaning to her as a starting place. And you know what was one of the words? Genesis. It caught me by surprise, but a good surprise obviously. It touched me. It actually brought tears to my eyes. Im tearing up again as Im typing this. Its just beautiful. She is on my sister mind today, if only for a minute. She was remembered by someone other than myself and of their own initiative. Simply amazing to me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

An unexpected reminder

I got something in the mail yesterday. Something that is not new to me. You have probably received these as well. They are letters from St. Jude's with pre-printed address labels. They send you these labels in the hopes that you will donate money to them. I have organizations that I hold near and dear to my heart and I donate to them. Not that this isn't a worthy cause, because it is. I simply cannot afford to donate to every organization out there. So I usually do not donate, or really even read what they have to say. I simply keep the labels because there's no reason to have those go to waste.

Well today was different. As I was getting the labels I happened to read the last part of the letter that was included with the labels. Check out the picture to the right to see the letter. I read the P.S. at the bottom of the letter. This caught my eye: "I hope that your own family never suffers the tragedy of losing a child to an incurable disease." Wow. That just stopped me in my tracks. While I don't believe Anencephaly to be a disease, it certainly is an incurable condition. It sort of upset me to read this as {to me} they only included that P.S. as a guilt trip and last effort to get you to donate. You really shouldn't play the dead baby card for a guilt trip to a BLM. I think I'm going to look into removing myself from their mailing list. I'm not even sure how I got on it in the first place.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Society's double standard

I have been following the Caylee Marie Anthony trial since that beautiful little girl was missing back in 2008. And unless you have been living under a rock I'm sure you have heard about this case. {just in case you actually do live under a rock, the short version is that this little girl was murdered in 2008. This is not your typical murder trial. It is quite bizarre and unusual as the mother didn't report her missing till over a month after she had disappeared and she lied to police countless times. Long story short, unless you are as smart as a doorknob or evil, you just know she did it} This all started a year after Genesis died and I looked at this photo of Caylee and stared into those beautiful big brown eyes and only dreamed of what Genesis would have looked like. And while I was grieving the loss of my only daughter at the time, this mother threw away hers. Such a horrific tragedy. 

At any rate, the case has been given to the jury and they are currently in deliberation. I certainly hope there is justice for this little girl. Not that any verdict will bring her back though. Or undo the pain and suffering. Or put this family back together. No, sadly their family has been ripped apart and is hardly a family anymore. Just a bunch of tattered, broken hearted people.

This case has received a lot of media attention. A LOT. There are supporters of Caylee in the thousands if not more. Caylee has quickly become America's sweetheart. I find this interesting though. This has captivated the hearts of BLMs and non BLMs alike. People freely speak Caylee's name and photos. They have remembrance days for people to reflect back on the significant dates... the last day she was seen alive, the day they believe she was murdered and her birthday. They set up a memorial in the woods where her body was found and have gathered to remember this sweet girl and leave letters, toys and candles. People are keeping track of the time she was gone saying things like "she would have been starting school now" or "She would have loved the 4th of July, playing with sparklers..." I find it interesting that the world, in general, is ok with saying and doing these things in this case. But when we do it with our babies it's looked at as weird, odd or flat out wrong. What is the difference? Is it that my baby never took a breath of air? Was it that she wasn't a toddler when she died? Was it because of the media attention this case got? Was it because of how she died? All these questions will go unanswered more than likely. I just wish there wasn't this double standard.

Friday, July 1, 2011

3 stabs in the heart

Yesterday I was having a casual converstaion with my mom. I have been suffering with mastitis and we were sort of talking about that and how I think it all started. I have a freezer full of breast milk that I have been storing for G. Breastfeeding is something very important to me and I plan on doing it at least till she is 2. But my freezer is so full I am having problems finding room to store more. So I was reducing my pumping by skipping one session a day. Well my body didnt like that and I guess it lead to a clogged duct that lead to mastisis. So that's what I was talking to her about. As I was telling her this she said "well its about time you stop breastfeeding." Stab #1. Um no. It's my choice, Its best for my child. And you have no say. Then she started talking about my new niece Khloe that was born earlier this week and saying that 5 grand children are enough and that she doesnt want any more. Stab #2 and #3. She said 5 grandchildren. She has 6. Once again Genesis was forgotten. And then to tell me (as well as the rest of her kids) in so many words to not have any more kids... pshh. Come on. It's not up to you woman. What part of that dont you understand? I want more kids and God willing it will happen. If God was to bless you with more grandchildren, take it for what it is, A BLESSING! sheesh.
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