Monday, May 30, 2011

An emotional weekend

I decided to make a trip up north to see my grandmother. It's not an easy drive to make with 2 kids. The trip was almost cancelled several times because I couldn't find anyone to come with me to help with the kids on the drive there and back. I was ready to throw the towel in and then I received some sad news. My grandmothers brother, Bebo as we called him, passed away last week. There were 5 siblings including my grandmother and she and her sister are the only ones left now. This was so so very sad. It renewed my drive to see her no matter what as she is over 90 years old and each day we have with her is a gift. I live so far from her that I only have the time off from work to see her maybe twice a year and i wasn't sure she would make it to the next vacation I have in November. I treat every visit like it may be my last. That way I have no regrets and make memories that will last even after she is gone. Luckily my sister finally agreed to go and we made this trip happen.

We arrived on Saturday and after driving for 4 plus hours we were pretty tired and didn't really do much but relax. The next day, the 29th, is when we actually got to visit my grandmother, Abilla. {grandmother in Spanish is "abuela". When I was little I couldn't say "abuela", instead I called her "Abilla". The name stuck and everyone in the family calls her Abilla. She even signed cards as "Abilla".}

We arrive at the home she is in and I can already feel my chest getting tight. It kills me to go here and see all the elderly people that are only shells of their former selves. Abilla included. We found her in the "activity room" which really isn't more than a room they roll people in wheelchairs in where a tv is on. She was sitting in her wheelchair hunched over sleeping with her arms crossed.

The first thing I noticed was how thick her hair was. She had the habit of pulling out her own hair. It got so bad they had to put a hat on her because she was getting a bald spot. Well you could never tell by looking at her yesterday. Her hair was so thick and beautiful. And now that she had so much hair I noticed that it wasn't all white. Of course there were still some strands of her light brown from the days she used to dye her hair, but I also saw a lot of still naturally dark hair in there too. It really surprised me. At over 90 years old with lots of dark hair was quite impressive to me.

So anyway, we rolled her into her room so that we could have some private family time. I gently stroked her hair and said "hi Abilla, it's me Tiffany." She looked up and looked into my eyes and called me "mama" and she went in for a hug. She didn't unfold her arms but she leaned in and put her head on my shoulder. I loved that but at the same time it made me want to cry so bad.

By the time I rolled her to her room, which was just down the hall, she was already back asleep. I didn't want to wake her so I let her sleep a little.

I had previously been inspired by The Midnight Orange who recently had her grandmother pass away. She went to see her grandmother one last time and made some clay hearts and pressed her fingerprints into them and now she has these most special hearts with a part of her grandmother to hold on to. I decided I wanted to do the same. Although my hearts are much bigger. I wanted to get a print for each finger. So I made 10 most precious hearts. I did find a challenge though. Abilla's skin is so very fragile and thin, like rice paper. And she actually didn't really have fingerprints that would leave a print on the clay. Her skin was so smooth that nothing was picked up.

So instead I just got an imprint of her finger. Which was still perfect because it was her fingers. I made the hearts before I got there so that all I needed to do was press her fingers into them. As I pressed her fingers in the clay I started crying. I couldn't help it. I was thinking that I can't believe I'm doing this to have as a keepsake after she is gone. It's just too sad for me to even think about loosing her. After I pressed them, the hearts came out less than perfect and sort of lost some of their shape. But after looking at all of them I decided I actually liked them better like this. Perfect in their rawness and imperfections. I then stored them in a little box to be kept safe and sound until we got home again.

By the time I was finished I was able to sort of nudge her awake. She called me "mama" again, which I'm told is what she says when she recognizes people. When I heard this it both made me so happy that she knew who I was but it also broke my heart to see that she couldn't say what she wanted to. I was able to have her see the rainbows.

She gave both kids and hug and kiss. D even said "I love you Abilla." She held G, with my supervision of course, and that's when she was most awake. You can tell she just love babies. When G got fussy and started to cry she even said "porque llora?" (why is she crying). That was one of the two full sentences she said while I was there. The other one she told me was that she was cold... Which also broke my heart. She always seems to be cold. So I wrapped her up in a warm blanket.

Abilla used to do this little game with me and all the grandkids when we were little. She would take our hands, make one to just extend our pointer finger, like we were holding up the number one and open the other hand. She would teach us the numbers by taking our pointer finger and touching our other hand starting with our thumb and moving along to the pinky saying "uno, dos, tres, cuatro, CINCO!" and then we would celebrate and say "Yay!" and clap. Well G did this while sitting on her lap. You should have seen the smile on my grandmothers face. Once again it brought tears to my eyes. She kept going to sleep every few minutes so we didn't really talk much or get many photos. I can't tell you how much she means to me. I grew up with her very much in the picture. I see her as a second mother. She and my mom are on the same level... Maybe even higher because how my relationship with my mom is now.

It's so sad to me that when I visit my uncles house where Abilla lived before she got moved to the home, I see her room. With all her little pictures, mementos and her clothes in the closet. A room that has not been lived in by her for years. Our family tells us that we can take anything we want... You know, something of hers to hold on to. It makes me so sad. I took a little picture frame meant for a baby that goes on the fridge a few years ago when I was pregnant with D. I put his picture in it. I saw it as her gift for the new baby.

When I was little she had a ring that I absolutely adored. It wasn't anything fancy. It was a purple polished stone in it's raw form and the metal was wrapped around it. I always loved that ring and remember asking her when I was about 5 years old that if there ever came a day where she didn't want it if she could give it to me. she laughed and said yes. I never saw that ring again. I went looking for it in her jewelry box when they said we could take things and I never found it. I think I'll have one made just like it and that way I will remember her and that special ring.

I apologize I'm all over with this post, but I wanted to document everything so that I can come back and read this and remember everything fondly. So I mentioned that we saw her on the 29th. The 29th should of been my 7 year wedding anniversary. 7 years ago she was at my wedding. Wow. I still can't believe it. In 7 years she went from this:

To this:

It's not fair. Seeing her go downhill like this is just torture to me.

I know I have the hope of the new system where she will be well again. And should she pass away before it comes I know I have the hope of the resurrection. One of my cousins drew this picture for her years ago and put it on the wall in her room.

It says "Grandma in paradise." it's such a beautiful hope but seeing this pictures brings me to tears. Here is a picture of Abilla's bed with the blanket I made for G.

Kind of like where young meets old. Sigh. Anyway, that concluded our trip. It was not a good day for her, poor thing. I kissed her head and said goodbye with tears in my eyes not knowing if this was goodbye forever or just for now. I didn't want to leave her alone in her room so we rolled her back to the activity room with the other people. Leaving her there is never easy.

So with that we met up with our other family for a quiet afternoon before we left. In talking with my uncle he was talking about how in his family the women always had boys first then girls and how it was awesome so that the boys could look over their little sisters. He then said that that was the case with me too. I silently nodded but in my heart I was screaming that D is not my first. And yes he is a big brother to G but he is a little brother to Genesis. And she would have made a fantastic big sister looking after her younger siblings, just as I did being the oldest in my family. Little comments like that just kill me. I know he didn't mean ill by it, but it still hurts. My family up north doesn't acknowledge Genesis. It's just so sad.

So with all that I had lots to think about on the drive home. I'm just emotionally exhausted and had to let this all out. Oh and also I finished the clay hearts at home. I powdered them in purple powder as purple is Abilla's favorite color. 

I will forever treasure these and fondly recall that she was alive and remembered me when I made these.

Oh yes and in other emotional news, my great uncle that died, Bebo, they tell me that he was also in a home in Florida. The autopsy revealed that the facility didn't give him food or water and that he died of starvation and dehydration. I just cannot believe this. Of course my family is suing but that doesn't being him back. What a tragedy. The poor man must have suffered greatly. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Something to cuddle

Back to a happy post for today! A while ago, and I do mean a while ago, I found The Schuyler Blanket Project. You can read all about them on the link, but in short they make blankets for berieved families. Since we dont have a baby to hold on to, they make something for you to hold. Each square is hand made by volunteers. This was founded by a lovely BLM named Tammany Harding after losing her precious daughter Schuyler.

Well after about year of waiting I finally got my blanket. I was in tears when I saw it. Here she is:

Would you look at the beauty of this blanket! I am blown away. This blanket was made by 19 different ladies. I am just in love with it.I really didnt see all the detail up close, but when I took that picture from the top I could see the hearts in some of the squares. And look at the white square all the way to the bottom right, its a ladybug! This is so very special as a very special BLM friend (you know who you are) loves ladybugs as it reminds her of her baby. It's just one more way that our girls connect us. Very special indeed. As you can tell its all ready on my bed. It has been awesome cuddling this blanket with the rainbows. I can just feel the love that went into it. It has really inspired me and I think I would like to Add more squares to it to make it a full size blanket. When I get to that I will definately post about it.
These letters and cards were included in the package. Just so touching.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being judged and discriminated

It has come to my attention that what I write here and on my facebook page has rubbed some people the wrong way. I have been told that they "don't agree with what I say publicly." Wow. Where do I begin with this one?

First let me say that I am not upset by these opinions. They are just that, opinions. Opinions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. {just as my opinions just are} I am fine with someone not agreeing with my views, after all we are all different and we are entitled to our own opinions. I did want to make some thing clear though. My facebook page is private. I have personally hand selected who I want as a friend and monitor who sees what updates, photos and info. What I post on facebook is not open for the world to see, so to say that what I post there is public is actually not the case. 

This blog however is very much public. However based on the nature of the blog there is a select audience that it's directed to, you guessed it, BLMs. However anyone else is also welcome to read it. It is for that reason that I have never posted photos of the rainbows here. It is for that reason that I don't usually mention specific names when I feel the need for the rant {ie: this post}. So while what I post here is viewable to anyone, there is still some anonymity as to who I am talking about. If you know me in real life then you may just put two and two together and just figure out who I am talking about, and that's just fine by me. This is not internet bashing or talking crap behind someones back. I am simply venting and its out here on my public blog. I have nothing to hide. And if you really know me in real life, then you will know why I had to get it out of my system and blog about it. However, most of you don't know me in real life. And there are a few of you that used to know me in real life and we lost touch. Whatever group you may fall in, I hope that you don't judge me solely on what you read here.

I am however interested in anyone I may have offended with anything. When expressing my feelings or stating my opinions, it is never my intent to offend or hurt anyone. If that is the case know that I am truly sorry. If I am truly in the wrong about something, stating incorrect facts or something of that nature, I am not too proud to apologize and take responsibility for my actions. I ask that if something like this does come up please contact me directly and we can come to a common ground. I really don't like being judged for something like my opinion. I really dislike drama and conflict and want to fix anything that may come up. That's just the kind of person I am. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. Ive said it before, this is my safe place to say anything and everything I want. I thank you all who care to read and follow my journey, but for those that don't agree with my feelings you do know you don't have to read this blog. 

I have thought about making this blog private but doing that would not be true to my heart. This blog is also used for healing and if I can help even one person, it would be worth it. This is also a place to spread Genesis' story and through her story her memory will live on. It's much deeper than just documenting my opinion. 

Again, in being true to my heart, I felt the need to blog about this. In the past I used to let people walk all over me and say crap that wasnt true. I wasnt raised to stand up for myself and I regret not saying anything in the past. I vowed several years ago that I will no longer be that girl again. I will stand up for myself and speak my heart regardless if others agree or not. In the end I will be true to me and that's what matters.

And since I am talking about being true to my heart, I also wanted to blog about something else that has bothered me. There are different BLM events that I have heard of... like meet ups and such... as well as events nationally and internationally that I have heard are going on. I think these things are great but I have found a common issue.... to bring kids or not. I realize for many blms being around kids is painful. I was there once so I completely sympathize. However I do think that events for blms with children (either children from before the loss or rainbows) should be going on as well. I have had a couple of events already tell me that I cannot bring my kids. And that's not the part I have an issue with. What bothers me is that these events dont have any plans to have events for blms with kids, which excludes me alltogether. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me. I know we are all in different places in our grief but I think if there is going to be this support group type of meet up or event, then it needs to be able to accommodate everyone. How is a BLM telling mothers of living children that they cant come to an event different from the world telling us our child that died doesnt count? They are all important and all should be acknowledged and celebrated. The need, want, desire and goal of so many BLMs is to have a living child {speaking from the viewpoint of losing your first} and to ban those who have finally had that dream come to life seems so wrong. Losing a child is isolating in itself, being a single mom isolates me further... then to be essentially discriminated against at events like these by the group I seek the most comfort from is the ultimate least thats my take on it. For me personally I would leave them with a sitter if I could. But doing it all on my own, having a less than supportive family and not being able to afford a sitter at the drop of a hat whenever I feel like it for two kids is certainly a challenge. Add to that the trust issues I have and dealing with being overprotective with the rainbows and not just leaving them with anybody makes it very hard.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Kinda nervous and a bit sad

On Friday my sister was watching my kids and apparently G took one of her most favorite stuffed animals out with her when my sister ran some errands. This is the dolly:
How cute is she!? This is what we call G's spider baby. She loves this thing SO much and its her #1 favorite toy/dolly. Well when I got home on Friday I didn't see the dolly. My sister and family had already left for their trip up north so they were not home to ask where it was. I called her to ask and she said that G must have left it on their side of the house. I went over and checked it out and I couldn't find it. Then she said that G must have left it in the car they took up north. She didn't have a moment to look for it while there. They arrived last night and still have not confirmed weather or not it was in the car.

So why am I blogging about a stuffed animal? I bought this spider baby for Genesis when I was pregnant with her. I then passed it on to G and having her play with Genesis' toy is just so special to me. I am so nervous that my sister may have actually lost it. Just thinking about it makes me so sad. I hope that she finds it as it, if it's really lost I will be devastated. 

UPDATE: Spider baby has been found! thank goodness!

My dear grandmother

My family took a trip this past weekend up north for my brother (and sister-in-law's) baby shower. As mentioned before, I wasn't able to go, but the rest of my family was. While up north, they also visited my grandma who is in a convalescent home. 

While they were visiting her in the home, my mom called me and put my grandma on the phone as she knows that I like to talk to her whenever I can. My conversation with her yesterday left me in tears.

She could hardly carry a conversation. She said hello and I could hear my mom telling her that it was me on the line. I don't know if she understood or even remembered who I was. I asked her how she was and she replied "bien." (she only speaks Spanish) I went on to chit chat with her and ask her some silly questions but she wasn't able to answer any of them. I don't know if it was that she couldn't hear me or that she didn't understand. Every time I would say something or ask her a question she would just chuckle... in a sort of nervous way, like I don't know what you said but I'm going to laugh to fill up the silence. Poor thing.

She has a little doll there that she calls her baby and I was asking her if she had her baby there. I guess my mom heard me say the word baby and thought I was telling her about the kids. I heard her telling my grandma "it's Tiffany. She has 2 little ones..." This made me tear up. I don't have 2 little ones, I have 3. She will never know that...not in this system anyway. Ive mentioned it before but for those that are new readers Ill say it again. My grandmother was already in a home because of her Alzheimer's back when I announced I was pregnant with Genesis. She was one of the first people I told. Genesis was actually going to be named after her. The name we came up with if she was a girl was Eva Violeta. (My grandmother's name is Violeta) I thought Eva Violeta was a nice name but I didn't love it. I settled on it because it was what my husband (at the time) and I agreed on. Well when she died, that changed everything. I went with the name I wanted from the start and named her Genesis. At any rate, when Genesis died I didn't tell my grandmother. I didn't want to distress her or make her sad. I just never brought it up. And I don't even think she even remembered that I was pregnant in the first place. She has never asked about the baby.

As time went on and I had the two rainbows I never corrected anyone in telling her I only had 2 children. I don't want her to be in pain over the loss of Genesis. It's not worth it. She will have forgotten again in 10 minutes and to remind her every time would be unkind. It however doesn't stop hurting me every time I hear someone tell her I have 2 kids. I pray that somewhere in her aged beautiful mind, there is even the most minute distant memory of the fact that I did have a daughter back in 2007, and that I do have 3 children. Even if she cant recall that memory, if I know that its safely locked away somewhere in there, there is a chance that one day it may be released into her subconscious. I know that one day she will remember. 

Its just so tragic what Alzheimer's and age can do. She isn't the same grandmother that I grew up knowing. Physically yes, mentally no. I look at those gorgeous green eyes and there isn't anything behind them anymore. It just kills me. But when she holds my hand, that warmth, that embrace, that little squeeze... it reminds me that she is still in there somewhere and she does still come out from time to time. After I got off the phone with my grandma my mom got back on the phone and told me that today was a "good day" for her. I just started to cry. Her not being able to hold a conversation or know who I am was a "good day". I miss her so much. Here is to remembering better days:

Friday, May 20, 2011

Im really down today

Emotionally, today feels like March. You know, that time of year when the raw emotion comes back beacuse your heart, mind, soul and every fiber of your body remembers that its the anniversary of your child's death. Yea, that kind of down feeling. Well I have it today.

I'm not sure that any one specific thing triggered it. Life is just an unexpected rollercoaster with no real rhyme or reason sometimes. I suppose there are things that maybe contributed to this feeling... like the fact that tomorrow is my brother's baby shower for his soon to be baby girl. It's not so much that they are having a girl that still bothers me... at least I dont think. But its a baby shower for a girl. I never had one. I never got that far for Genesis and with G I didnt get a baby shower. I did have a rainbow party for G when she was roughly 6 months old but it just isnt the same. So I think this baby shower is just another reminder of what could of been and what should of been. Sigh. The weird part is that Im not going, so it shouldnt be hard on me right? no, not so much. I still know its going on and thats enough to make me sad. Im not going not because I dont want to be there but because I actually am not able to go due to my schedule. Had my schedule allowed it I would have totally gone, despite the stabs to my heart.

Another reason I am down... well Im lonely. Ive been single for almost 4 years now. 4 years all alone with no me time, no one to help, no one to love {in a partner sort of way}, no real socializing... its very hard. Im not a social butterfly by any means. I wish I were but that's just not who I am now. Losing Genesis has really affected that part of me. Im a homebody and I am to myself. I am shy and eventually open up to those that I feel comfortable around, but even then I am not the social person I was in my youth. I feel so alienated. So secluded. I feel There is no redemption for me. Im too far out of the social scene to ever go back. When I am tempted to dip my toe back into it, it feels so awkward. I also have no real help to watch the kids outside of work and so really doing anything social is pretty much impossible. Im sorry, this is sort of a bunch of scattered thoughts. But I just need to let it out. 

Its just one of those days that I just need someone to look at me the wrong way and thats enough for me to burst into tears. I hope this weekend is better. I have the need to go see Genesis rock in her garden. Let's see if I can make that happen.

Monday, May 16, 2011

An ungreatful woman

I'm just warning you all ahead of time. This is a rant post. I'm not happy. And I'm going to let it all out and let off some steam.

Being a single mom is no joke. It is the hardest 9-5 {24/7} one can work. But it is so totally worth it. I love being a single mom, with the exception of a few little things. I think choosing to be a single mom with getting pregnant with G was one of the, if not the, best decision I have ever made. I knew it wasn't going to be easy being a single mom to two living kids but I knew I could do it. I also knew how difficult life was before hand, living life without a living daughter. I had no idea if G was going to be a boy or girl when I was ttc but I knew my future baby was going to be a blessing regardless. The deal just got sweeter when she was a confirmed girl. I finally had my living daughter. It has most definitely brought me some peace and much happiness.

Having said that though, moms do need a break once in a while. It's not that I am complaining about the rainbows. Not at all. I appreciate every sleepless night, every diaper change, every cry... I treasure it all because I know what it's like to not have that from a child. But all moms need some me time every once in a while.

I however, can count all the times I have had me time since the kids were born on one hand. 3 times to be exact. I am lacking in the me time department. Or really just free time in general. I got so overwhelmed this last weekend as G has been sick with a cold for several weeks now and has been very clingy. Its a wonder I find a moment to eat my food and take a shower each day. Really. It got to be too much for me on Saturday when it took me about a dozen attempts to go online to pay the bills and G would just not let me. D ate his lunch as the bits of macaroni and cheese fell off his plate and fell on the floor. I couldn't even find a minute to clean the floor or the dishes that had been piling up in the sink. I needed help. I needed just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to get these things done. 

I go over to my mom's side of the house asking for a mere 15 minutes so that I can get these important things done. My mom refuses. Instead she starts telling me the following: 
"I told you not to get pregnant. I told you not to have another one. I told you it would be hard...." 
I immediately left as soon as I heard her rant. It's one thing to not want to help for whatever reason. But it's an entirely different thing to tell me that my life would have been better without one of my children. Because that is what that statement implies. 

I cannot tell you how much hearing this hurts me. First she disregards the life of Genesis saying that she doesn't care about her. Now she is doing the same for my living daughter. When does it stop? What did I do or my kids do for you to not like them? I don't understand. 

My mom has always loved D. I can tell they have a special bond. I was hoping that it would be the same with G. But it's not. She doesn't love her like she does D. As a matter of fact I'm not even sure if she loves her. She is head over heels for my nephew who is just 25 days older than G. My sister was 17 when she had him and she dragged my parents through hell and back with all the shenanigans she put them through. But all was forgiven I guess and they still let her get away with murder. They love my nephew so much and watch him even when my sister doesn't ask. They watch him when she goes out with her boyfriend and when she goes to the gym and really anything else she wants to do. But when it comes to actually helping me, the person who really needs the help to get actual things done for the good of the family they wont help. I am besides myself. I have no idea. My mom tells everyone that my nephew is her Prozac. That he is the reason she is happier in life. And that she cant picture life without him. She has never said this about G. Ever. And that hurts me. 

I don't know why there is this animosity towards me... or if this is some sort of resentment for my daughters. As mentioned before, she was the most involved person when it came to Genesis. She went to all the ultrasounds, she was there when we got the fatal diagnosis, she was there when I was in labor, she was there when she was born, she was one of the few people who met her, got to hold her, she was even named after her, she said her goodbyes at the mortuary... but she has clearly told me that she doesn't care about Genesis. Likewise she was there when G was born. She was one of the first people to hold her. G is her first living granddaughter and we had so much ridding on her pregnancy, hoping for a healthy little girl. She should be worth much more than how she is treating her today. I don't get it. 

And even when I told her I didn't want to hear this and walked away... she continued her schpeal the next day when I saw her. I finally had to calmly tell her that the reason I didn't want to hear this is because I found it insulting that she was suggesting that my life would be easier or better without my daughter there. I know what it's like to live without a daughter, a child. It's not easier. It's harder in some regards. Those day to day challenges are going to be there regardless so why would you wish someone didn't exist? She just started saying something and walked away... I didn't really hear what she said nor do I really care to know.... 

I am really not looking to start anything with her but it always seems to be something. I really wish our relationship was better. I don't know how it got this way. It really makes me sad to see where we are. I think I have to just accept that it is what it is now. I can't change her. I wish that I didn't have to rely on them so much for any help. Living so close to her just is a ticking time bomb waiting for something to happen. I cannot wait for the day that I can distance myself and the rainbows. Because as Ive mentioned before... if you cannot accept all of us, then you don't deserve any of us in your life.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

A persistent sign

Yesterday while at work I got a call from a company called Genesis Payment Processing. I will occasionally get calls from them and hearing their company name always makes my heart skip a beat and and let out a sad sigh. It however always brings a smile to my face. Though they do call occasionally, its not often. I think since Ive worked here Ive maybe spoken to them 3 times. Well yesterday they called 3 times in one day. I thought it was a wink then but decided to just pass it off as nothing. Well today I got another call from Genesis Payment Processing. Once again.. in all the years I have been here I have never had so many calls from this company in such a short time. I'm definitely counting it as a wink. Someone wanted me to make sure this was special. 

Update: Its now just before 1:00 here and Genesis Payment Processing called me again! WOW!

Monday, May 9, 2011

A permanent set of glasses

Id like to believe those cliche statements... that child loss does not define me. That I shouldn't cry because "it's over", instead I should smile because "it happened" and she's mine. That I can go on the rest of my life just fine with her always in my heart, that she will not be forgotten. 

And while its true that there are more things about me than child loss, I do smile that she did happen and that she is mine. She is always in my heart and of course I will never forget her.... those statements are not entirely true for me. And that's ok. Society tells us that if the above statement is not true, that we are not ok. That we need therapy. That there is something wrong with us. That we are consumed.

I can only speak for myself on this. But I am forever changed by losing her. I'm changed in good and bad ways. I can go on and on about the good things... like how she made me a better mom for my rainbows, how I'm wiser, how she inspired me to help others... 

But as for the bad... the bad is that I'm no longer naive. It starts with trying to conceive. I was lucky enough to get pregnant with Genesis on the first try. I now know that even the healthiest of young people in their prime only have about a 25% chance of getting pregnant even when every aspect of getting pregnant is perfect.

When I saw the positive pregnancy test I automatically said "I'm gonna have a baby." The thought of not bringing a baby home did not cross my mind. I know now that 1 in 5 pregnancies in the US will end in some sort of loss. I also know that you can do everything right in a pregnancy and that doesn't ensure you have a healthy baby. I know from personal experience that I can never truly have a peaceful pregnancy that I can actually enjoy. With G I had what most people would consider a great pregnancy. No morning sickness, no aches and pains, not nothing. I had to remind myself sometimes that I was pregnant. But do you think that caused me to relax? No. With no morning sickness I was freaking out that something was wrong. After all I had it 24/7 with Genesis and then in the first trimester with D. I had fear in my heart each time I used the bathroom scared I would see blood. Even the tiniest of blood drops would set me into a panic attack. I did kick counts like you wouldn't believe and would start to freak out if I didn't get my 10 kicks in an hour. I even bought my own doppler to give me peace of mind. While that id help, the fear was still there. I remember being in labor with both my rainbows and still thinking "I wonder if I will be able to take this baby home..." Even when my babies were out and safe and warm in my arms I still had fears. Fears of jaundice, malnutrition, choking, SIDS... The list goes on. Even now that D is several years old I look at him and think "I think he's here to stay now...God I hope he is..." 

Truth is losing a child has changed me and has defined how I see life and how I parent my children. It cannot be avoided. I have been given a new set of permanent glasses. Colors are no longer as vibrant as they once were. As a matter of fact the lenses shattered on March 16th, 2007. Ive tried to repair the glasses several times. I fix them over and over and sometimes very well. But no matter how well I fix them or how many times I do it, the cracks are still there. I can never see through those glasses and see what I used to see before that day. It's just never going to happen. 

G fell down yesterday and cut her gums. And boy did that bleed a lot. I started to get worried when the bleeding wouldn't stop and she had blood spilling out of her mouth. There was so much blood she was even choking on it a bit. I went over to my moms and she said to put sugar on it, which we did. In the mean time I was questioning what do we do if it doesn't stop bleeding. My mom went on to tell me that I was overreacting. This accusation really upsets me. {and btw, G was fine}

It's no secret I am overprotective of the rainbows... another "side effect" of being a BLM. But its all in their best interest and I know all too well what could happen. I just looked her in the eye and said "look, Ive already had one child die....I'm not gonna let it happen again." And though I know a cut to the gums isn't life threatening, worst case scenarios do go through my mind. And if having my child's best interest at mind is a crime then sue me.

With these new glasses, cuts are not just cuts. They are an opportunity to bleed to death. Colds are not just colds. They are an opportunity for them to catch pneumonia. Bumps to the head are not just bumps to the head. They are a possibility of head trauma and a brain bleed. The list goes on and on. I do my best to not live a life wrapped in bubble wrap to prevent every injury. I try so very hard not to overreact for little things. {IE: I was not hysterical or anything when blood was gushing from G's mouth} I think that I live a pretty balanced way even if in my head the thoughts are not balanced. I don't think the thoughts are avoidable. 

Do you find that you see life through a new pair of glasses now?

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's never going to go away..... is it

Logically I know that Genesis will never be back...physically... in this system of things. I know that I will always be missing a child and missing out on the things we should have done together as a family. I know that I will always miss her as long as I'm living. I know, I know, I know.

But my brain is still protecting my heart I think. Either that or I don't want to believe that this is my life, I mean come one who wants to be a BLM? I guess the reason I'm feeling like this right now is on facebook there are various events that friends can invite you to. You can even see events that friends are attending even if the event is for someone you don't know. There are many "virtual events" on facebook for BLMs where they ask you to remember their babies on their anniversaries and I think that is a beautiful thing. I did the same thing for Genesis in March. However two of these events stood out to me. Usually the events I see are for 1,2 maybe even 3 year anniversaries. Once in a while you will see what I thought was considered a "veteran" anniversary at 4, 5 or 6 year anniversary. Most of the BLMs I know have had recent losses and with Genesis being gone over 4 years now I have always kind of felt like part of the "veteran" crowd. Well that all changed today. Clearly I know I am not the first person to have experienced loss. There have been countless families affected by this tragedy since the beginning of time. But a week or so ago, I saw one of these virtual events for a 16 year anniversary. Today I saw one for 30 years. Wow. 

I know I will be like these women who miss their babies for 10, 20, 30 years... up until my last breath. But to actually see it... to know of these mothers who decades later are still speaking their child's name.... I dont know. It really tugs at my heart strings and makes it all the more real to me that yes... this missing her, will be forever. every. single. day. and. night. with each breath. F.O.R.E.V.E.R. until I cease to exist myself. I dont know about you but that is some heavy stuff. I dont know exactly what to do about that, not that I can do anything. 

I dont know... sorry, this post is kind of random and maybe not entirely coherent. But I just had to let it out. I just cant believe that one day I will say "please remember Genesis on her 50 year anniversary..." sigh.

A little wink

So this actually happened back on 4/30. I'm sorry for my delay in posting but Ive been very busy these days... you know, a mothers work is never done ;) 

So it was Saturday the 30th and the kids were sick. We pretty much stayed indoors all day just resting and spending some family time together. The weather was gorgeous out though. My sister came over to drop something off and she started banging on the door loudly telling me to hurry up that I had to see something. I opened the door and saw the most beautiful butterfly just sitting on the banister of the balcony. It was one of these:
I had never seen one of these butterflies before. And even though I guess they are common here in CA (at least that's the info I found online), this one was rare to me as I had never encountered it before. After I saw her just sunbathing there I rushed inside to get my camera and just as I went outside she flew away. My sister had told me that she had actually seen her around my door the whole day, almost like she was waiting for me. It definitely made me smile. My sister even said "its a sign! its a sign!"  The thought did enter my mind. But after that I just went on with my day.

About 10 minutes later I had to go outside to take out the trash. As soon as I open the door I see her sitting ON my door. Of course when I opened it she flew off. I stood out there for a few seconds only to see her return and sit on her perch again. I grabbed the camera and just before I snapped a picture she was off again. She flew into the sky right above the house and then she came right back down straight for me. She fluttered in a circle all around me, almost landing on my shoulder. I cant believe how close she got. And after she circled me she flew off for good and that was the last I saw of her. 

I most definitely took that as a wink. It totally made my day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

4 boxes for 4 years

I apologize that I am way late with this post. I had planned to donate 4 boxes to represent the 4 years without my daughter on her birthday back in March. Unfortunately because of scheduling {on both my part and the hospitals part} I was not able to drop them off until this last weekend. So it was about 6 weeks late, but better late then never. Here are the photos of some of the little items I picked out to include in the boxes. Each item was carefully hand picked and had a lot of thought and love go into it.

 I made 2 girl boxes and 2 boy boxes. Here they are.

 Inside I carefully marked my inspiration behind it all.
 And here they are filled with all their lovely items.

Here is a close up of the poem I included inside the boxes.
I wanted to give a special thank you to Cassie for coming with me to drop off the boxes. As a single mom, I find it hard to do even the simplest of things like drop off these boxes. To tote two kids around and carry these 4 boxes into the hospital would have been close to impossible. So thank you for helping me, thank you for supporting my cause, and for remembering Genesis along with me.

The lady I have been in communication with about dropping off these boxes was not in at the time. There were 3 NICU nurses in at the time and the gladly recieved the boxes. 
There were no tears this time, though Im sure there would have been if I stayed around a little longer. As we were leaving they started to look inside the boxes and I know that was a trigger last time when she admired every little treasure in the box. Tears or not, I am very happy to do this. There will definately be more boxes where that came from. My heart hurts though, thinking of the families that these precious boxes will be going to. They will be leaving with a box filled with momentos rather than their child. Those poor poor parents. I hope in the years to come they treasure these boxes as I do mine.

2 losses in 5 months

That's what I went through... though the two losses were completely different. As mentioned in the "Genesis' & My Story" tab, my then husband left me just 5 months after Genesis died. I don't think people understand the calamitous nature of what happened. I had to survive both ordeals and be able to carry my first rainbow baby.

I look back at my life and still cant believe what I have lived through. I have heard of husbands losing their pregnant wives in accidents. Or a wife losing her husband in death after the loss of a child. And while those are tragic events as well, I only wish that death was what happened. Let me explain. I would much rather say I was a widow than say that my husband left me. In my opinion it hurts more and is much worse what happened to me because he chose to leave. In death you don't have a choice. In the days and weeks and even months after he left I thought that having said he died would have been much easier. Instead I wondered where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. In time these questions would be answered... but the answers were just as painful.

Over the course of the last 3 years and 9 months, I have adjusted to being a single parent and as mentioned before, I quite enjoy it. I think its quite liberating and something that was beneficial for my growth and development as a mother. I am a better person for having gone through it. And as much as I love it, it does have its downfalls. I would say 95% is bliss but that last 5% is a dozy.

It gets really lonely. I long for an actual conversation. Most of my conversations are with toddlers about The Wonder Pets or Dora The Explorer. I long for a warm embrace and for someone to say "I love you" to me....{well in a different way than my toddler says it}. I quite enjoyed being married and I made a darn good wife if I do say so myself ;). I love taking care of my spouse and caring for the home. It makes me happy. I miss the little things like little love notes or a special text from a significant other just letting me know he misses me. I cant believe I'm going on 4 years without all of that. It's so very hard.

I just had to do a blog post about this as Ive been feeling a bit down lately. The loneliness is catching up to me and consuming me. I want to matter to someone, you know? And I know I have many family and friends that do care but that's not the "care" I'm talking about. I don't understand how it is that jerks who do what my ex did and worse find girls at the drop of a hat. Lots of girls. And then someone decent and loving and respectable like myself hasn't had one guy even look twice my way. I don't get it. I don't get how the universe works. Sort of like how I don't get why babies die even when you do everything right, yet there are women that do drugs, smoke, don't even want their baby and yet they have a perfectly healthy child. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for it.

In addition to all that Ive come to a bit of an issue concern. Obviously when you are looking to date and you have kids it changes it up a bit. There are gonna be those guys that see your kids as "baggage". It's unfortunate they see it that way. In all honesty, I wouldnt want to be with a guy that has this view point anyway, but it still hurts to be judged and not even given a chance. Definately their loss. But for those that are accepting of my kids...Ive sort of struggled with something. Do I tell him I have 3 or 2 kids? If I say 2 when do I mention Genesis? Ive made it clear that if I were to be with anyone in the future they would have to be accepting of all my kids. And I just dont know how to handle it. How do I bring it up without him looking at me like I just sprouted a second head? Sigh. I hate how complicated this is. I suppose first thing is first... just wait till mr.right finds me... if he ever does find me. Sigh.
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