Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Her memory tree

I am finally able to blog about a project that has been in the works for a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG time. I got the idea a while ago, and it sort of developed over time. Ill start way back from the beginning. 

I dont celebrate Christmas due to religious beliefs. I have however always admired the beauty that comes with the season. The twinkling lights and the oh so beautifully decorated trees with a seemingly endless possibility of creative beauty with ornaments and decorations. I always thought it would be gorgeous to have a tree in my home to decorate and have as a sort of year round thing. Pine trees though, are naturally associated with Christmas so it was a sure thing I was not getting a pine tree. Not only that but live trees die and I wanted this to be a permanent art piece in my home. As timed passed and I planned my own wedding I found that many have what is called a blessing tree. A small tree or several branches in a pot or vase that guests attached small notes to with blessings for the bride and groom. Though I didnt have this at my wedding I think its a beautiful idea. Well time had passed and I forgot about this cute idea. Recently a friend of mine started planning her wedding and I got reintroduced to the blessing tree. I thought it would be awesome to have something in my home like this to remember Genesis.

Thus the birth of her memory tree. I researched types of branches and sizes and different options I had for creating such a special tree. So after all this time I have finally finished her tree. Well, actually, this tree will never be finished. I have gotten several little gifts from BLMs and ornaments that remind me of her through the years and I added them to this tree. I will continue to add mementos and ornaments to this tree until forever. When this tree fills up, I will get another one. Its a collection of treasure, memories, reminders and hope. So with that I leave you with photos of my most treasured tree. I hope you love it as much as I do.

I love how the prisms filled the house with golden and rainbow little lights.
Literally hundreds of them Its was so magical.

As of right now the memory tree is sitting on my desk but I have big plans as to where to have this as a final sitting place. I am in the process of finding the perfect display shelf to put not only this but all my little trinkets that remind me of Genesis. A place to put figurines and candles and all sorts of beautiful treasures. I will most definitely post about it when I have it. {Oh and trust me when I say that the photos dont capture its beauty}

A "Jenna" update

I saw an update on facebook through Kristine's page, letting everyone know that Hailey-Jade is very much alive and well. THANK GOODNESS! Because honestly, that's what really mattered. Why she did what she did, is irrelevant. That little girl is safe and the situation has been dealt with. I dont have the details and Kristine is not making that information public. 

Yes, what "Jenna" did was wrong. She hurt people, tricked people, stole angel photos and even lied about her own child...BUT, I want to remind you that two wrongs do not make a right. Evidently she and her boyfriend (who was fooled as well) have been receiving a lot of hate mail, messages and threats. Not cool people. Just let it go. Learn from it. I posted about this to raise awareness of the dangers that lie on the internet. "Jenna" was not the first to do something like this nor will she be the last.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Absolutely beautiful

I wanted to share with you all the work of a beautiful BLM, Amy. She works along with Carly on a beautiful project called Luminous Light. In this project, these lovely ladies provide miscarriage baggies to women in need. Such a beautiful project. In these baggies there are the most beautiful items called Treasure Tags. Fortunately for us she is offering these tags on their own, custom made. I knew that I just had to have some not only for me but for the memory boxes that I donate to the hospital. What a treasured item these would make to grieving parents.

Here is the order I placed with her:
I am in awe of her talent. No two pieces are exactly alike. they are simply stunning. I love the raw organic look to them. Trust me when I say that these photos do not give their beauty justice. Here are some more photos:

They all came out perfect. And I cant tell you how much I love Genesis' tag. I am adding these to a very special project Ive been working on for a while. I cant wait to show you all the finished product. Until then I recommend you go get some treasure tags.

Internet Dangers

I had just been talking to a BLM about the "trolls" on the internet the other day. We were talking about the fact that I don't put D & G's photos on this blog. I was explaining to her my reasons for doing so. I had previously seen people steal photos of babies {after they have passed} and claiming them as their own. I have also see the photos stolen and used in a most terrible manner having sickening captions and stories of lies tied into the photos. For that reason I have never publicly shared Genesis' photo. It would devastate me if some sick person on the internet did anything like that with her photo.  Im even more protective of the rainbows. I was actually thinking of loosening up a bit and maybe sharing some pics when the unthinkable happened.

Let me take you back a moment. About a year ago I met a woman through facebook that went by the name of Jenna Evans. She said she had two daughters. Hailey-Jade, who I think was about 4 years old and Bentley. Bentley was born with a fatal condition Holoprosenchely (HPE) and they knew everyday was a gift and that she didn't have long before she would pass. She passed away at 3 months old. 2 months later Hailey-Jade passed away from complications of swine flu. I remember hearing her story and having my heart ripped out. I cried so many times for this mama. 

Over the weekend something shocking happened. It was discovered that Jenna had actually stolen the identity of a woman on myspace named Holly. Holly was the one who actually had a daughter born with Holoprosenchely. And her name was not Bentely, it was actually Kenzlee-Rae. Sadly she did pass away. So not only did Jenna steal her photos but her story too. Turns out "Jenna" did have a daughter named Hailey-Jade who is actually very much alive still. I cannot tell you how shocked I am. Shocked that someone stole someones identity, photos and story. I am even more disgusted that someone would lie and say their living child died. What would possess a person to do that? who actually wants to be a BLM? This person is seriously ill. Jenna's facebook profile has since been deleted. But what terrifies me is that she was on my friends list for over a year. A years worth of my rainbows photos was at her fingertips. I seriously think I'm going to be sick. I guess I should have paid more attention to her photos. She never had a photo with her and Hailey-Jade, nor did she ever have a photo with the two girls together.

I usually do not just add random people on facebook. However when I see a BLM in need I am there to help. I usually see that we have many friends in common when I add them. I used to think this was something that assure me this person was safe but "Jenna" and I had over 15 mutual friends. I am most definitely more selective on who I add. I want to offer my support to BLMs but my children's safety comes first. I had to go through my friends list and clean out the people that I don't interact with on a regular basis or don't know particularly well. Of course I don't want to hurt the feelings of any BLMs but again, my children's safety comes first.

I'm sharing this story with you all to please be cautious of who you add and what photos you put out there on the internet. Anyone, absolutely anyone can get a hold of your photos and do all sorts of sick things. 

Having said all that...Kristine, the mama who discovered this, has been working very hard to locate this "Jenna" woman and her daughter. She is afraid that she may be in danger with a woman like this. I pray that little girl is safe and that "Jenna" gets the help she needs.

Ive bonded

Way back when before I got married or had children you would hear of terrible things in the news and stories spread by word of mouth. Stories that included terrible things that have happened to children. Yes, even death.

Yet before I was a BLM or even a mother, these were just sad stories. I couldn't relate. I knew it was a tragic event and I would say a prayer for these hurting families but that was about the extent of my understanding.

I'm a different person now. I don't know if its because I am a mother or because I am a BLM. I have never known motherhood without having been a BLM so I cant really separate the two. But when I hear of these terrible things happening now, my heart grieves. Like, really grieves. I picture it as having been my child. I hear stories of loss everyday because of all the BLMs I know. And though I wasn't given the opportunity to meet their babies, I feel that I have come to know them through their stories and through their mamas. Each story touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I grieve for these children. For their mamas. For their families. 

Yesterday I was looking through the photos of a BLM friends sweet baby before he passed and at the funeral. Though I have seen these photos before they just brought tears to my eyes. I had to just let it all out. Before I knew it I was looking at many other BLM photos and the sobs just came. I miss these babies for their mamas so very much. And my pain and hurt sort of surprised me yesterday. I came to a realization... I actually have come to love these babies. Love them as if they were part of my own family. We truly are BLM sisters. 

So I just wanted to share with all you amazing ladies (and men if you're out there) that I truly love your babies. Your stories have touched and changed my life. Your support and friendship has made me a better person and has helped me get to where I am today. Sending you all my love and thoughts.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

A visit

I had not gone in several weeks to visit Genesis' garden and it had been weighing heavily on my heart. I decided to take a trip with the rainbows today. Little did I know there was some sort of fair going on. Now that I think about it, I think it was probably aster related but I'm not sure as the kids and I only visited the garden.

As I was sitting in the garden a woman walked in with a baby in a stroller. She walked through the path that went past all the stones and stopped at one. I saw her stop and pause at a stone and then take a photo of it. A fellow BLM. My heart broke for her because I know her pain all too well. After a couple minutes she left and I was just enjoying the view and I noticed something pop out at me. A car parked along the street has the pregnancy & infant loss awareness ribbon magnet on it. It did not belong to the BLM that was just in the garden. I get happy and then sad when I see this. Happy that someone is creating awareness and that I am not alone in the BLM club, but sad that they know this pain first hand. I hand not seen magnet quite like this before. It said "Support Life" with two little footprints on it. Very beautiful.

I also thought I would bring Genesis, well her stone, her pinwheel from home. I thought it was fitting as I did buy one for her and the rainbows had their picture taken with theirs... This was the closest I was getting to having her take a picture with her pinwheel.

D decided to pick a flower and place it on her stone <3 so very cute of him.

He then proceeded to add his McQueen car, leaf and pine cone to her stone. I thought that was touching. And you will never guess what I saw. Not one but two hummingbirds were chirping and flying all around us <3

I also wanted to mention that last Sunday was the memorial. I had been prepping D to know how to behave in the hall. I was telling him that we were going to Jehovah's house and that we needed to respect it by being quiet. He understood and was telling me about how he was supposed to be quiet on the drive over there. Then he says "we're gonna see Jehovah... We're gonna see Genesis..." He always tells me that Genesis is with Jehovah and so he thought we were going to actually see them at the hall. What a sweetheart. I'm trying to teach him that Genesis is in Jehovah's memory, not with him but it's gonna take some time for him to remember that. What a sweetheart he is. Then wouldn't you know it... The first scripture they read during the memorial talk is from the book of Genesis. Hearing her name never ceases to make my heart skip a beat.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The mommy clock

I have actually been meaning to blog about this topic for a while. I have sort of talked about it here and there online with my various BLM friends. But today my dear BLM friend Tori shared a quote online and it's so beautiful I thought I would share it here with you all:

"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know." ~Barbara Kingsolver
This quote is so true. Though I have never had a miscarriage I'm sure anyone that has suffered a loss of a child at any age can relate. The mommy clock... how from the start of our pregnancies we start counting. Mamas of living children always know how old their children are, carefully keeping count of all their children's ages and milestones. BLMs are no different. They keep on counting too. We always know how old our children would have been. The mama clock doesn't stop even when their little hearts do. ♥ 
How old would your baby(ies) have been?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My happy list

I am in need of a pick me up and I often come back to my blog to reread my own posts. Remind me of memories and events that I may have forgotten about. This blog is Genesis' special place in the universe. Where I can blog about anything Genesis' related, about feelings and vent about things that maybe I don't have the strength to say out loud in real life. It's a place where Genesis lives on and where faith is lifted and strength is renewed. But I have found that there are many more negative posts than positive. I certainly don't consider myself a negative or down person... though Genesis dying was most definitely a negative event. I realize as imperfect humans we gravitate to the negative much of the time. But I am making it my resolve to also blog about uplifting and positive things a lot more. After all this blog is also here to help uplift those that are hurting as well.

So with that in mind I have decided to share a happy list. A list of 15 random things that make me happy.

1. Of course topping the list would be my kids. All of them. I didn't know how badly I wanted to be a mother until Genesis left me. Since having my rainbows I have found such fulfillment in being a mother. It truly is my calling and purpose. My children bring me a happiness that is immeasurable. They literally saved my life and have given me purpose. They are a piece of my literal heart walking around outside of me. 

2. I absolutely am enamored with pink jasmine. My parents have two very large jasmine bushes in front of their home and the fragrance is just divine. When these beautiful little flowers bloom in the spring and summer its just heavenly. To smell that sweet scent drifting in the warm summer breeze is just glorious. I bought one of these in a flower pot way back when and evidently I don't have much of a green thumb. Not only that but these really don't flourish in pots. And did I mention how hard it was to find a place that sold pink jasmine? I had to call dozens of places for months before I found a place that carried exactly this kind. I guess its very sought after for its beautiful fragrance. 

3. Soda. Let me take a step back here. I never and I mean NEVER used to drink soda. I guess I can thank my mom for that. I never had any cavities in my life and I suppose that was probably why. But when I got married my husband was an avid Coke drinker. He got me to jump on the soda bandwagon. Though my soda of choice is Dr. Pepper, there is something about a freshly poured, fizzing, ice cold glass of Coke on a hot day. No seriously. It's so soothing. That caramel liquid with icy chunks swooshing around millions of tiny rich bubbles. It's almost an indescribable goodness. I have tried to quit drinking soda as I know its not the best thing for you but I am hooked. I get caffeine withdrawals so bad that it triggers migraines. It's a love hate sort of relationship ha ha!

4. I love sunsets and sunrises. I used to think the best sunrises were in the cloudless clear skies of So Cal but I have quickly found that clouds make a beautiful sunrise/sunset magnificent. I love how unique each sky is. There are no two skies every exactly the same. It's ever changing and the sky you saw 5 minutes ago is different than the sky now. So vast and flowing with beauty. So inspirational. 

5. Photography. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to finally have a decent camera. Many thanks to my parents who gifted this wonderful item to me. I have not had a lot of free time to really get to know my camera and to really perfect the art of photography, but it certainly has already improved the quality of my photos as well as given me so much inspiration. Ever street and tree and view is an opportunity to photography.

6. Rain. I absolutely love the rain. Here in sunny Southern California we have many blue and clear skies. And while "good" weather is desirable I personally long for actual weather. So when it rains its just divine. I love the dark, cloudy skies. The smell of the rain in the heavens ready to shower us. The sound of it falling. How fresh it leaves everything. And then the winds that follow, blowing the leftover clouds away. Its just wonderful.

7. The beach brings me such peace. I am very fortunate to live so close to it. Only problem is the traffic in LA. Getting there takes a while and the beaches are often overcrowded. But they are so very peaceful despite all that. Love the smell of salt in the air, the sounds of the gulls singing, the millions of grains of sand beneath my toes and watching the waves crash on the shore. I could sit and watch the ocean for hours. There is something therapeutic about it. 

8. Genesis' garden. Having her name added to the Children's Healing & Memorial garden in my childhood park has been very healing for me. I am beyond thrilled that she is there. Visiting this garden is such a peaceful thing. I meditate there and its almost a spiritual experience. I feel recharged after each visit. This little garden brings me so much joy and peace. 

9. I am an organization freak. I think this is probably one of the things I am most OCD about. I hate mess. Everything must be in its place. ALWAYS. I get anxious when I see things out of order. Naturally having kids means things will be out of place. Almost ALWAYS. So I am always cleaning up the same messes and looking for lost items. I have tried to loosen up and let the kids be kids because really... who cares if the legos are on the floor or if Lightening McQueen is missing in the grand scheme of things? So I have let more things go than I usually do but now I am in need of another organization fix :) I cant tell you the satisfaction I get after I have organized everything. By color, by size, by type of item... its just wonderful. Seeing everything in order is quite rewarding and beautiful if I might add. Very gratifying.

9. I love those rare opportunities I have to do something for myself. These moments do not come often enough. Maybe a couple of times a year if that. But when they come, I am on cloud 9. Weather it be to get my hair done, or a mani pedi or whatever, that mommy time is priceless. For a moment my life slows down for a couple of hours where I can just inhale and exhale. I can regroup and remind myself that I am worth it. And value my strength and beauty as a mother.

10. Summer. I love everything about summer. The heat, the pool, the BBQ's... its just all around great. I think it may be my favorite season. Along with summer comes tans. I love being tanned. I used to lay out in the sun when I was younger but no way will I do that now. Luckily my skin is still pretty good despite all the hours I had previously laid out in the sun. {though I cant stand all the freckles on my face} Getting back to being tanned... I thoroughly enjoy a good sandal tan. I don't know what it is about it but I really like having one :)

11. This photo kind of combines two things that make me happy. The first is scooters. I went to Key West once and this cute little town had a place that rented Vespa scooters. Though I wanted to rent a scooter I wasn't able to since I had already made plans to go snorkeling. But watching everyone tour the streets on these adorable little scooters in their swimsuits and sandals along the beach was just the cutest thing. Like free little spirits zipping around. One day I will get a scooter of my own. In mint green with a cream seat :) The second thing this photo has that I makes me happy is vintage items. I cant tell you what a great thrift store/ antique store find is. Its like you won a sort of lottery or something. And its even more awesome if its an item that I remember from my childhood. 

12. Disney movies. Having children has reintroduced me to Disney movies. They are so beautiful in their own ways. Some its the storyline. Others its the animation. Many of them are quite hilarious. Watching Disney movies with my kids has quickly become a favorite pastime in our home. Nothing like a family movie night, complete with kettle corn.

13. Night swims. I grew up with a pool in my parents home. I have been fortunate enough to have a pool in my home now. And though I love swimming in the pool on a hot summer day and eating hot dogs wrapped in bacon while sipping on some ice tea... nothing beats the night swims. There is something magical about a lit pool with its glowing water in the dark. Its both relaxing and enchanting floating on my back on the cool water staring at the stars overhead. 

14. Good food. Ok now who doesn't love some good food lol In-N-Out is my most favorite fast food ever. This popular food chain is only in 5 states: Arizona, California, Nevada, Texas and Utah. (anyone visiting any of these states, you have got to try it sometime) Thank goodness I'm a Californian haha! But it doesn't have to be just In-N-Out...any good food just puts me in a great mood. I remember early on when I was a little girl that as I was eating my favorite dishes my legs would swing back and forth beneath the table and I would almost hum as I ate. Yes, good food would make me sing and dance. Still does :)

15. I love taking the rainbows to new places. To discover this big world and to learn at every opportunity. Weather its taking them to the zoo, a nature walk, doing art projects, planting a garden... all that stuff. Seeing their little eyes open large and in amazment of the simple things like a butterfly landing on a flower makes me ever so happy.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Some random things

I just had to share a photo of what I consider to be the most beautiful sunrise I have EVER seen. Period. This took place on Monday 4/11. I was able to snap this photo with my cell phone. Awe inspiring photo right? Well believe me when I tell you that this photo does not capture the amazingness of it all. It was indescribable beauty. With the entire room glowing in pinks, oranges and reds just flooding in from the windows. It left me speechless. Of course it made me think of sweet Genesis.

I also did a little something for my 3 kids. I saw these adorable little pinwheels at Target and it was just a no-brainer that I had to get them each one of these. {it helps that they were only $1 each ;)} I have been wanting to have an actual garden for a while now. A little place to put special things that remind me of Genesis but sadly there just isnt even a yard or even a patch of dirt where I live to have one. So Ive had pots of my favorite plants. Ill be the first to tell you that I am horrible at watering the plants... They always end up dying. Poor flowers. And Im left with random pots of dirt ha ha! So I stuck these in the biggest pot I have right by the front door. I love that its the first thing I see when I leave for work and the first thing I see as Im getting home. I love watching them spin. It's almost hypnotizing. The rainbows love them as well. I have to make sure they don't get a hold of them though because they would not last long in their little hands ha ha! But I will have an actual garden one day and I will add these precious little pinwheels when that day comes.

Monday, April 11, 2011

This is no good

There is a story on right now about a new weight-loss combo pill. You can read the entire article here. The article starts like this:
"Two existing drugs, in combination, have shown significant promise in promoting weight loss, according to a new report. The drugs,  phentermine and Topamax, in combination with lifestyle and weight-loss counseling were associated with..."
This caught my eye as Ive been wanting to lose weight for quite some time but have not done any diets or treatments since I am still nursing. But I took a look anyway to see what this was about. As I was reading this a word in the above quote stopped me dead in my tracks. Topamax 

Let me go back in time just a little bit here. Back to before I had any children. I have suffered from migraines for many years. I don't exactly remember when they started but it was after I graduated high school. That's for sure. So for at least the last 10 years or so. Migraines are nothing new for our family. My mother has suffered with them for the majority of her life as well. Since she had been seeing a doctor to get medication for them she then took me to her doctor to see if anything would help me. This was the first time I was actually getting migraine medication and not your everyday Motrin or Tylenol. I needed something that would bring relief and was willing to try anything. The name of the medication he put me on was Topamax. I honestly don't remember taking it for that long. I took it sparingly mostly because I didn't like the side effects. I eventually just stopped taking it mid 2006. And that was the end of hearing about Topomax.

Until December 2009. When Brittany Murphy died. What does Brittany Murphy have to do with anything? Ill tell you. TMZ reported all the medications that Brittany was on when she died. One of these was Topamax. This instantly set off a little light bulp in my head. TMZ reported that its an anti-seizure med and also prevents migraines. I instantly remembered that my dr gave it to me for my migraines. Then I made the connection.... studies have shown that taking anti-seizure meds during pregnancy or shortly before can contribute to the occurrence of Anencephaly... The dr that gave me that medication did not tell me a thing that it could cause any birth defects or that it was also used to treat seizures. I am convinced that this is what contributed to her condition. Had I only known. 

But getting back to today's article on CNN. This new weight loss method includes Topamax and its so very dangerous in my opinion. What group of people are more likely to want to loose weight {obviously besides people that are actually over weight}? Young women... because what woman doesnt have some body issues. And if women in child bearing years take this not knowing the risks they too can have Anencephaly happen. The thought is terrifying. I have left a comment on the article regarding this as well as others have noted the dangers of this drug. I hope they yank this new method off the shelves as its potentially fatal.

In other Anencephaly news: They have now found a link between Prozac and Anencephaly. Wow, this is just huge. Im glad that they are getting answers with their study. And in doing a little research on the web it seems I have grouds for a lawsuit against the manufacturers of Topamax. I have contacted a legal firm and should hear from them shortly. Even if I do have a case, no amount of money will ever bring her back. You cannot put a price on a child's life. I only hope that if I do have a case that it brings attention to the dangers of this drug and hopefully help save the lives of innocent babies.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"That's how far along I was when I had Genesis"

I find myself saying this to friends and family that are expecting (or that were in the past) who were about 5 - 5 1/2 months along. Only now do I really step back and realize how it may be affecting people.

Ever since I had her, I have had a need for people to recognize that I was pregnant with her. That she counted. That she was a real person. That my pregnancy with her counted. That even though there was a time where I had no living children, I was a mother. I had a strong desire to connect to the world of pregnancy and motherhood. And so any opportunity I could take to relate to this world I would take it.

Though it was accompanied by odd looks when we were exchanging labor stories amongst family members. I felt as though my labor with Genesis didn't count to them. My 5 days of hospitalization and pain (both physical and emotional) didn't count to them because my baby girl didn't take a breath. But I didn't let their reactions stop me from sharing my stories of motherhood. 

But only now do I realize that when I congratulate a friend or family member on their pregnancy and I am told they are about 5 months pregnant, I say "Awww, that's how far along I was when Genesis was born." I don't mean it in a way to scare the family into thinking their baby will die. That is not my intention at all. And for a while though, I thought it was just a way to reconnect with Genesis' pregnancy and birth story and to once again remind people that I was a mother way before I had a living child. Ive come to realize that I do it because I want people to see that she was real. Its easy to say "oh her baby died at 5 months in the pregnancy..." and move on like it was no big deal. But when they are currently 5 months pregnant... they already know how connected and head over heels in love they are with their unborn baby. They have already made all the plans and have all the dreams that I had for Genesis. They are in that exact stage in their lives and pregnancy where they are awaiting to receive the best gift in life they have ever gotten. And all that was ripped away from me. By reminding them that was when Genesis was born, I am trying to remind them that I have not forgotten her. In a sense, I want them to realize how much I lost. And that if they were to loose their baby now (and I never ever wish that on anyone) how that would impact them. And then maybe just visiting the idea for a split second may give them a tiny glimpse of what I deal with on a day to day basis. 

I hope that doesnt sound bad. I certainly dont mean it in a bad way. I am only human. I truly never hope anything bad ever happens to any baby. But the same time I want people to recognize what I lost. It's so much more than just losing a baby. Anyway, I guess Im rambling now and this post really didnt come out the way I was hoping... Im not good with words. But hopefully my BLM friends know what I am trying to say.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

A breath of fresh air

We just got back from Genesis' garden. It really is refreshing to visit her special garden. I brought her a rose.

I absolutely love peach colored roses. We brought it from our very own garden at home. Sure it may not be a pretty as store bought flowers but I love taking her something from our garden. That way she has a part of home with her stone and when I look at the bush I took it from I know part of it is with her.

Today was a cloudy day. When we arrived at the garden it was still cloudy but at the moment I went to take a picture of her rock the clouds cleared and the warmest sunlight just poured all over us.

Something kind of cute yet heartbreaking happened. D found a little friend to play with there in the garden. His name was Max. D immediately went up to him and instantly became his friend. I love how friendly he is. But then he started talking to Max. Max was maybe about 2 and didn't quite talk but that didn't stop D from talking to him. Here's what he said: "you see Genesis rock? Genesis is with Jehovah.... Let see it, come on." Hearing him say this made me so happy yet filled my eyes with tears. He proceeded to show Max the way to Genesis rock and said "it's right here." And he placed his hands on it showing Max the flower we left for her. I can only imagine what Max's mom thought. But I am so proud of D for not even hesitating to speak his sisters name. It's beautiful.

Feelings & an open letter

I had trouble sleeping last night because of my emotional turmoil. When I woke up I still felt so very hurt and abandoned. Im so disgusted with the words that came out of my mother's mouth that I literally feel ill. I think a trip to Genesis' garden is in order today. I think it's the only thing that could possibly offset this to at least some degree.

I have so much I want to say to my mom but I decided last night that our relationship is irreversibly broken. Instead I decided to write an open letter to her to pour my heart out and say {type} the things I need to say. Sadly she will never read it as she doesnt know of this blog nor would she read it even if she did. But at least I will have told the universe how I feel. Here goes:

Dear Mom,
First I would like to thank you for all the good you have done for me my entire life. I know that I could have ended up with any family and Im so very thankful to have been adopted by you and pop. I had a wonderful childhood and I only wish that I can give the same upbringing to my kids. I also thank you for your most recent help. Help when Michael left me while pregnant... Help even now still trying to get back on my feet 100% and all the help you have given me with the kids. I am forever grateful for that and dont even have all the 'thank yous' in the world to show my gratitude. 

However, in our family it seem to be a trend that anytime someone does something to help someone out they think that they can hold that over their head for eternity and its an excuse to mistreat that person. I must be silly and old fashion, but I thought family was supposed to help each other out because they cared about them. Not because they wanted to have something over that person or to even expect repayment some way. {though I have repaid you for all your financial assistance} 

I have felt really mistreated in the last few years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I have let everything go and have forgiven you for everything in the past... yes even when you threw a glass at my head when I was pregnant with D. Yes even when you punched me in the stomach repeatedly when I was pregnant with G and you spat in my face. Yes, I told the police {that you called} that I didnt want to press charges because you were my mother. I forgave you, though you never asked for forgiveness. But yesterday my forgiveness ended. Enough is enough and you cant keep crossing the line expecting for things to go back to the way they were. Its one thing to verbally and emotionally abuse me. Its completely different when you do this to one of my children... even if they are not physically here. Genesis is still my child and still very much loved. And I will defend her even in death.

You mocking Genesis and my grief for her and my way of keeping her memory alive is repulsive. Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU FOREVER. She is your granddaughter too, remember? And did you forget that she was even named after you... Magali. I truly wish I had not named her after you. You are not worthy of that. What is even more insulting was that you were one of the few people that ever got to meet her. You saw that she was loved and wanted. You saw her in all her beauty, even in death. You met this amazing little girl in person who has done more to change the world in her short time here than you have in your entire lifetime and you have the audacity to say "I dont care about Genesis....its not important to me". I dont care if you were trying to be funny or something when you said this into D's toy. It's not funny. It never will be funny. Speaking of any dead child is never funny. And most of the time when people say that they said something while they were "kidding" its actually truer than you think. Well in this letter, everything I have to say, is not a joke. Im not kidding. This is the truth and how I feel. And yet you continued to say these things even after I asked you to please stop hurting me. You continued even after you saw the tears streaming down my face. If your goal was to hurt me, then bravo. Job well done. But for any mother to want to intentionally hurt their child, even emotionally, is just disgusting. You make me want to vomit.

Its hard enough being a single mom and not having a husband/partner to help with the day to day things and the kids. I have adjusted to this lifestyle and its not so bad anymore. The tough part though is not having anyone to talk to. Talk to about everything, including Genesis. My ex husband cares about as much about Genesis as he does about the rainbows. And have I mentioned he has never met the rainbows? yea. He abandoned all 3 of our children. So the one person that went through it with me on a parental level isnt even here to talk to about her. You, however, were also with me during that long journey. You were there during the first ultrasound where you saw Genesis bouncing around. It moved you to tears, remember? You were there when we were told that she couldnt live, remember? You sat with Michael and I and just cried and cried with us. You were there while I was being induced and in labor with her. You even watched her be born. You met her even before I did and saw her in her full beauty before the changes of death started to happen. Even I didnt get to see her like that. I resent that you had that and not me. I resent that you have taken all that for granted and have chosen to take yet the same path again. And excuse my language but just because you dont give a shit about your dead baby doesnt mean that I should do the same. At first Genesis meant something to you... maybe not as much as she does to me, but she was something. Now you have decided to walk down the 'I dont give a shit' path again. And you know, that is your choice to make. I can respect accept acknowledge that. But what I will not tolerate is for you to have these feelings and to be a part of my life and my kids lives. 

Our relationship has deteriorated during the last 6 years or so. I never wanted it to be like this, but here we are. What I was really trying to tell you yesterday was not so much about the picnic but about my life as  BLM and how Genesis affects my life. You have never given me the opportunity to express myself fully because you either interrupt me, shoot me down or just plane ignore me and walk away. We are adults and can have a mature conversation. Im not asking you if my way of coping with life is the right way or if its how you would cope. Im not asking for permission to speak Genesis name. I am simply trying to tell you how my life is and what is important to me. So I will put it out here in full for the first and last time for you.

I became a mother even before Genesis was born. As soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day 2006, I was a mother. I fell instantly in love. On March 16th 2007 I was physically able to hold my daughter in my arms and fully embrace the fact that I was a mother. Sadly Genesis stay was cut drastically short. But her time here on Earth did not determine how long I was a mother. She forever made me a mother regardless of if I were to have anymore children. My first two years of grief was not even comprehendible. I had no time to really grieve for Genesis the way I wanted to. This was because Michael left me while I was pregnant with D. I was beyond terrified of how I was going to do this as a single mom. Then he stole every dime I had in my savings account. Dont you remember? He committed bank fraud and pop and Stefan even went to his work to try and get the thousands of dollars he stole back. Of course he didnt give a penny back and even called security on them. Then if you recall, only a matter of weeks later I lost my job. Yes, the company I worked for at the time went bankrupt. And that wasnt all... I had put in lots of overtime during the holiday season to make up for the fact that I had just lost 50% of my income when Michael left. And all that hard work and time that I put in was in vain because they refused to pay me. Literally to this day I have yet to see a penny for the time that I had worked. So I was a pregnant single mom who was now unemployed. I went on job interview after job interview and I was qualified and they liked me and everything but no one hired me because I was pregnant. So jobless I remained for a total of 11 months. Dont you remember? Those times were so stressful, so insane that I hardly had the energy and courage to breathe let alone remember Genesis the way I wanted to. Not to mention I was 100% alone in my grief as I had not found the BLM community online that has brought me such support now. So this last year was really the first year I have been able to remember Genesis the way I want. It has felt incredible and its good for me. It's almost like really grieving for the first time. 

Genesis is my daughter. She will always be my daughter. I have 3 children. I hold two in my arms and one in my heart. I love her as much as I do my living children. She is terribly missed every. single. day. of. my. life. She has taught me so very much in her short stay here. She has made me a better person. She and my rainbows make my life rich. I love talking about my kids. All of them. Even Genesis. She did exist. I felt her kick. I gave birth to her and I held her. Ive looked into her beautiful face. She did happen. And to pretend she didnt is a great injustice to humanity. 

I love her in a different way than I love my rainbows. Not because I want to, but because there is no other way since she isnt here. I cant tell her I love her to her face. I cant hold and hug her and give her 10 million kisses. I cant take her to the park and do fun things with her. So instead the only way I can show my love and how important she still is to me is by doing things in her name. Like Walk To Remember LA, like Names On The Sidewalk, like Written From The heart, like my campaign on folic acid awareness... like speaking her name and teaching her siblings about her. I know you think that all those things I do are a joke. I know you and the family laugh at me behind my back. But if you only knew how many families I have touched because of Genesis. Then maybe you would know how Genesis has changed the lives of so many. Her name and story is spoken of across the seas and in different lands. Has your name and story reached that far? I didnt think so. But not only are these things I do in my grieving and keeping her memory alive, but its also healing for me. Its part of my recovery... not that I will ever be fully recovered.

So to be judged over something I have no control over; her dying and then the way that I love her and keep her name alive, is just an injustice. I have said it before and I will say it again: To have survived the most horrific event in once's life only to be sentenced to a lifetime of eternal judgement is a tragedy. Why do you judge? What is the problem with me saying her name? What is the problem with me donating memory boxes in her name? What is the problem of my writing children's names on the sidewalk? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? AND HOW DOES IT INVOLVE YOU? The answer is it doesnt. Maybe you are upset that you have had nothing in your life that has motivated you to want to be a better person. Maybe you are upset that you have not done any selfless acts to help another. Whatever it is, frankly, I dont care. There is no excuse that can justify your behavior. None. 

So with that Id like to say that anyone that chooses to be a part of my life has to accept all my children. Yes, all 3 of them, including Genesis. We are a package deal. You cant have me without my 3 children. Thats it. This rule applies to everyone. Weather it be friends or family. If you have a problem with any of my children then you have a problem with me. So for that reason I have chosen to distance myself from you and only surround myself with people who love and care about me and my children. So I leave you with that and I hope that one day you will see what a huge loss it will be getting to know all your grandchildren. 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I am broken

I have been utterly devastated tonight. And it was by none other than my own family. My mother and fellow BLM. {Just a recap for any new readers, my mom had a stillborn baby back when I was just a few years old. She was roughly 21-22 weeks, so about the same gestation as me when I had Genesis. But she never wanted to find out the gender, she never named it, she never wanted to see it. It was easier for her to pretend it didnt happen than to accept what happened. So in my opinion she is not a true BLM}

So I guess you could say that I set myself up again, though that wasnt the intention. I wanted to take a moment to really sit down with her and let her know how important the Walk To Remember events are to me. So I brought up the picnic again and was trying to explain to her how much it meant to me. I guess I was being too vague and she didnt really grasp what I was referring to. So I had to be blunt about it and say, "You do realize Im talking about Genesis and the IBLMD picnic right?" Then the conversation took this turn: {Keep in mind she was playing with a microphone I just bought D that makes your voice echo. She was trying to be sort of funny in the way that she was saying this by talking into the microphone but she really meant what she was saying}

my mom: why does everything have to be about Genesis, Genesis, Genesis...
me: Im just trying to explain to you that these events are  important to me and that...
my mom: well they are not important to me
me: but I really care about this and it means a lot to me if...
my mom: and I dont care about it
me: but this is how I remember Genesis...
my mom: I dont care about Genesis... and yes Im a bad person. I shouldnt be allowed on the face of the earth...
me: I really dont appreciate you mocking me and Genesis. Im inviting you because your support is important to me. Its important to me to remember my daughter...
my mom: the answer is no, will always be no, no, NO. To everything, NO.

She was sort of half laughing when she was saying these things. I had tears streaming down my face as she continued to mock me, mock Genesis, mock my grief. She did this in front of the rainbows too. And my sister was there too and my mom was trying to get a kick out of her and she gladly joined in on the mockery and was laughing at me. 

I cannot tell you how offended I am. Im just as offended as if she were to have said these things about one of my living children. Living or not, they are all my children and I love them and I will talk about them. I really feel like this is the last straw. Really. I have put up with so much. And she has been so very cruel to me. Not only emotionally but physically to. Enough is enough. If you cannot accept me and ALL my children then you dont deserve to have us in your life. Because of my financial situation though I am unable to move away. I cannot tell you how badly I want to escape this abuse. I just cant take it anymore. 
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