Thursday, March 31, 2011

A dream

I had a dream last night. It was about my life as a BLM. Let me kind of backtrack a bit. 

Yesterday I received my invitation in the mail to WTRLA's IBLMD Picnic. I love getting WTRLA mail. Since my mom saw that I got the mail I invited her to the picnic... though I already knew the reply. She said, "No. I don't like going to those things, they make me sad." And while I can understand that it's a bit sad, what I wish she would see is that it's even sadder to not have my families support. It's even sadder to not acknowledge her existence. It's even sadder for me to be the only one to ever attend these functions and no one else in my family. This is how I keep her memory alive and they choose not to participate. So each time someone declines to come it really sort of lets me down and breaks my heart a little. I don't know why I continue to set myself up only to get the same answer. I guess part of me is hoping one day I might hear a "yes". I guess a mama can dream right? So then my sister was there and I asked her too and her response was "ummmm, no." Yea, strike two.

So I went to bed thinking about this. My dream reflected some of my fears and thoughts. At work I am given internet access to do really whatever I want between calls. I do a lot of work during this time. Work on my blogs, my various projects regarding the BLM community and such. Well in my dream I dreamed that my boss called me over to his desk and wanted to discuss what I do on my computer. He was saying that he was reviewing the history on it and saw my BLM projects. He was trying to sugar coat what he wanted to say by telling me that he things my work is lovely but what exactly am I doing. He didn't quite understand the nature of it. I felt like I was in trouble, like I wasn't supposed to be doing things involving dead children. I woke up with an uneasy feeling. 

And it dawned on me. This is how I feel everyday. I feel so judged. Like as if I'm doing something wrong in remembering my daughter. Of course fellow BLMs don't make me feel this way. It's the outsiders who do. I wish there was a way to get past this. 

What a nice surprise

A few weeks back I entered a giveaway from one of my fellow BLMs blog. Check out her blog and giveaway post here. It's for Yasmina's Gift Of Hope. Such a beautiful blog and she does even more beautiful and amazing things. Well I won this giveaway along with another mama. What a surprise!

Part of the giveaway was having a butterfly released in memory of your child. {see flyer to the left} How beautiful is it that Genesis had a butterfly released in her memory during her birth month <3 How very special indeed. That could have been the whole giveaway and I would have been thrilled for just that. But no, there was more. Im getting a personalized journal! wow! How very sweet. As most of you know, I too make personalized journals through Written From The Heart. However, I had never made myself one. I had wanted to but had never had a moment to get around to it. Well how incredibly special is it that not only will I be getting one but made with love from a fellow BLM. I couldn't be more thrilled!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

An email wink

I get lots of spam email. LOTS. I'm sure you all have had your share of spam trying to sell you pain killers or telling you the king of Africa is leaving you his entire inheritance hahaha! Well today I found one of these in my inbox, but check out the sender's name:


It definitely put a smile on my face.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Something Amazing

Something amazing just happened on my drive to work. I still can't believe what I saw and even wonder if I saw it correctly. But I did see it. It was totally a wink.

So Im driving along my usual route on the 10 freeway going east. It's still dark and Im just driving and then I notice the car in front of me. It's a dark SUV. Then I notice the license plate. My jaw hits the floor. I rush to grab my camera on my cell phone. I snapped about 6 photos of the license plate. Then the car changed lanes to my left and I snapped one last photo as I passed it. All the photos came out terrible. 

 As you can see, the plate came out so bright {probably because of my headlights} that you cant even see the letters.
This photo was taken just as I was passing the car. I know, it's an awful photo but its the only one I was able to snap that showed any sort of writing on the license plate. Can you see what it says? I can sort of make out the letters.







I kid you not. What this license plate said was "NESIS". So this is what I saw:


Wow. I mean really, what are the odds? It was so shocking and amazing to me that it made me tear up a little. Someone wanted me to think of her this morning. <3

Sunday, March 27, 2011

A little wink

Today has been quite the lazy Sunday. Complete with lounging around in our pajamas and of course watching cartoons with the rainbows. Today I noticed something while the kids were watching Go Diego Go. I saw this:


Hummingbirds. It made me smile and I particularly took an interest in the purple one even though I associate yellow with Genesis more. But that was about it. I thought what a nice little coincidence.


Then the rainbows went off to play and eat lunch and then when we turned the TV back on The Wonder Pets were on. As soon as I saw it starting I knew the hummingbirds from Diego were not a coincidence. In this episode the Wonder Pets save the hummingbird. Yep. Another hummingbird. And not just any hummingbird. See for yourself:


A baby purple hummingbird. *tears* Of course they rescue the baby and reunite it with it's mama. Here is a picture of the baby and mama together. It really made my day to see this. Sunday morning cartoons with ALL of my babies <3

Friday, March 25, 2011

My heart is in the right place

But I can't seem to really act on it. Let me explain. I have had a few BLM friends lose their rainbows recently. My heart breaks everytime I hear a loss announcement and I wish I could do more than leave a message on their facebook wall. Or send a text message or card. So I decided to send one flowers. I had a very tight budget, as a single mama most everything is on a tight budget, so I picked the nicest option that was within my price range. It was really a lovely boquet of flowers. I had a beautiful card written and everything. I purchased the flowers and then immediatly realized that they didn't give me a total. I quickly went back to check and my eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw they wanted to charge me $70.00 for 8 flowers and a vase! WTH! I didnt think that it would be that much. Im sorry, but I cant afford that much on flowers. I had to cancel my order. I felt like such a loser. I felt like such an aweful friend. I failed my BLM sister. And even if she doesnt know it, I know it. This feels terrible. I wish I could afford to do more for my BLM sisters.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

She is being kept alive

This post was going to start off as sort of a vent on my feelings and the lack of support I feel in my family. However I am going to save that for another time because I have just had my spirits lifted. 


I found a BLM on facebook who is offering miscarriage comfort baggies. She is selling items from the baggies that I was interested in getting for Genesis and for the memory boxes I donate to Genesis' hospital. I just very briefly commented on her wall asking how much these are and if she shipped to CA. She messaged me the sweetest note. Part of the note said this:

"If you could copy and paste the following form and send it back to me with all the details you'd like then I'll endeavour to make something you'll love to have for your daughter (Genesis - is that right?).."


She knew who I was and who my precious daughter was and yet I had never "met" or crossed this persons path before. (did I mention she is all the way in Australia?) Wow, seriously wow. I told her I was happy that she had heard of Genesis and she replied with this:

"As for knowing about her, I've heard her name (and yours) frequently since meeting Carly. She briefly told me your story just the other week and it brought me to tears :'( you're so brave and honestly so inspiring :) I'm honored to do this for you ♥"

I am just blown away. Yes she knows Carly. And though I feel like I know Carly, I dont really know her on a more personal level. I wish I could though. I know that Carly has met hundreds of BLMs and each has a heartbreaking story... and for her to remember me, remember Genesis and our story is mind blowing to me. And for her to share our story is just amazing. Genesis' story has crossed oceans. Wow. I am just beyond touched and amazed. I have tears of joy in my eyes right now. Really. When I hear of things like this it makes every tear I have cried and evey stab in my heart I have felt not have been in vain. My baby girl lives on. Im beyond thrilled to be even be able to help any hurting family with my memory boxes or various projects like Written From The Heart or Names On The Sidewalk or my contributions to Walk To Remember Los Angeles. And to have others hear my story and be inspired... I am just left speechless. Wow. Im so glad I am making a difference. Here I thought I was a little nobody hardly making a difference and for someone as big as Carly (at least she is a huge pillar to me in the BLM community) to be speaking of my story is just an honor and so humbling. Hearing these things gives me the strength to keep going and contributing in my small way in Genesis memory. Thank you for reminding me of the value of my contributions.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Prayers and thoughts

This last week (and weeks building up to it) has been emotionally draining. I feel like I have an emotional hangover. I feel numb and just kind of blah, bearly existant. Im just trying to recouperate now and kind of get back into the pace of everyday life. 

I do however have one special request. My dear BLM sister Annette lost her precious rainbow, "Little Bee", over the weekend. Please say a special prayer for her and her babies. Hearing of lost rainbows just upsets me so. I'll never understand why these things happen. My heart is just broken all over again for her and her husband. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Comments

I received this comment on my previous blog post just now:


Hi Tiffany, I often visit your blog. Unfortunately, none of my comments that you show. Even just to say hello, you do not want to. I believe if you are being discriminatory, then God also will be the same. Thank you for all you have experience to share. Bye!.


I wanted to share this for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, I have published all but 2 comments, ever. Those two were spam comments directing me and my readers to buy a product. Aside from that all comments, even the not so nice ones, I have published.


I have come across maybe one or two ladies who have told me they cannot comment. I'm not really sure as to why that is because my settings are set to allow any and everyone to comment. I love comments so it wouldn't make sense for me to block people from doing so. If you are one of these people, I'm sorry I don't know what more to do to allow everyone to comment. I have also checked my spam folder and nothing is in there. So if you are like this reader, I have never received any comments.


However, I really do not appreciate being called discriminatory especially days after Genesis anniversary. There are so many ways to contact me (Facebook, Email, through many of my other blogs and Facebook fan pages). So if you need to communicate with me or if you have a problem with me or what I post (or in this case what you think I do not post) contact me. Lets handle this like adults.


And to user name yunims: You can check out this post and this post to see that your previous comments were in fact published. But seeing how quickly someone can become upset and then start the name calling and even bring God into the picture over publishing a comment really makes me stop and wonder if I really want this kind of reader.

Friday, March 18, 2011

4 years ago today, I met my baby girl

I woke up very excited to see my baby girl. Of course, I wished it were under different circumstances. I remember caring very much about how I looked. I wanted to look my best for my baby girl. I straightened my hair and put on a brown and white blouse with jeans to see her. 


I cant remember what time we got there to see her. It was some time in the afternoon. My husband and I went, as did my mother, father, brother and sister. I walked up to the front desk and saw a tall man there. I told him I was there to see my daughter Genesis. He walked us down the hallway and to the right and showed me her room. I walked in almost holding my breath, and I saw Genesis laying out on the table. There was an orange lamp in the room that made it kind of hard to really see her. I guess they do that to offset any discoloration on the skin. And it was also very hard to see her through all the tears. I ran over to her and just started crying over her little body. Then after a good cry I felt peace come over me. I was able to compose myself where I cleared the tears from my eyes and actually got a good look at my daughter. She was so small. She was a little larger than a barbie doll. She looked nothing like the horrible images online. She was beautiful. I was so very glad I decided to see her. She was wrapped in a little blanket... it was probably more like a washcloth size. And her feet were sticking out of the bottom. The tiniest most perfect feet you ever did see. She looked a lot like me already. She had my lips and chin. My mom tells me she had very dark hair... she saw it when she was being born. She was just beautiful. She looked nothing like the photos I had seen online. She was stunningly beautiful.

I had the urge to open the blanket and get a good look at her. I mean really see her at least this once in my life. But my husband didn't let me. She had a hat on her head covering her defect and I also wanted to look under the hat but once again he didn't let me. I felt robbed of seeing her in her entirety just once. I never got to see her arms or those little hands. She was just so small I was even scared to cradle her in my arms. So I just kept her on the table with my hands around her. 

I talked to her. I kissed her. My husband and I had our one and only family prayer with her. I brought her a bracelet that I had gotten months before in case she was a girl. It was a mother/daughter set with matching bracelets. I wore my bracelet and I placed her bracelet on top of her little body. It was almost the same length as her. I told her that I bought this for her and that one day I will pass it on to her sister and she will wear it. 


I brought a camera with me to the mortuary. It felt so weird bring a camera with me. It felt even more awkward when I was there ready to take photos of her. I just couldn't bring myself to take any photos. It was too gut wrenching at the time. I regret not taking photos of her every single day that passes. I wish I had taken the photos. If I decided I didn't want them I could always delete them. But I could never go back and get those photos once I decided not to take them. What I wouldn't give for a photo of me holding her. Or a family picture of the 3 of us. I hate myself for not taking those photos.

I dont even know how long we were at the mortuary. We all went in the room as a group and then my family left my husband and I alone with our daughter. I could have stayed there all day. As a matter of fact I wish I never had to let her go. But the time came to say goodbye. This time for good. A goodbye that would last an eternity. I started to cry again as I left the room. I looked back at her tiny body on the table. My feet got heavy... leaving my daughter in that room was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do in my life.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Some happy memories

I realize most of my posts have been sort of sad in nature and I certainly dont mean for it to be like that. It sort if just is like that. You can't really be happy about a child dying. But I wanted to take a moment to remember some happy things.

I wish I knew the exact dates these things happened but I dint think to mark it on the calendar when they were taking place. I didn't know that these things would mean so much to me down the line. Before I found out I was pregnant, some time during the 2WW, I had a sudden craving for In-N-Out. I love In-N-Out so that wasn't really a big deal. But what was a big deal was that I wanted onions on it. Anyone that knows me knows that I HATE onions. But that wasn't all. As soon as I brought home that double double and took a bite of it, I realized something. It didn't have enough onions. I headed to the kitchen and sliced up a whole onion. Yes you read that right. A WHOLE ONION. I added that entire bad boy to my burger and went to town. Yes, it hardly fit in my burger and it was probably bigger than the burger itself haha! It totally hit the spot though. I dont know why I didnt even think that it may be a craving. It literally didn't even cross my mind. I remember talking with my husband about my taste changing and he said that he had heard of that happening and that it's just something that happens. He didnt have a clue either. As soon as my onion craving started, it stopped. It wasn't till after it stopped that I found out I was pregnant. Kind of funny.

Another fond memory I have whlie being pregnant with Genesis was going to the beach at sunset. This was while I was still blissfully ignorant. I remember it was a beach near Santa Monica, though for the life of me I cant remember which beach exactly. I remember being in complete peace. Just sitting there on the cool sand, listening to the seagulls and the waves crash. Smelling the sweet salt in the air as the ocean breeze blew my hair. I breathed in that salty air and just took it all in. I was so very at peace there sitting with my baby in my belly. I let my mind wander over the dreams I had planned for my unborn child. It really was a beautiful day.

4 years ago, the life of a BLM begins

On this day 4 years ago I was finally discharged from the hospital. Before leaving, a nurse handed me a pink blanket with pink ribbons. She told me this was hand made and donated to the hospital to give to parents that had lost a child. I was so very thankful for this. They told me they actually wrapped Genesis in this blanket the day before. I clutched it tight and held it. It still smelled like baby. I cried the whole way out. We finally left and were on the way home. I was starving because they had not let me eat anything my entire hospital stay. So the first place we went was to In-N-Out to get one of my favorite meals. As we were leaving the drive through to get home my cell phone rings. It was my brother. He called to tell me that he and his wife are pregnant. No, I'm not joking. This really happened. I wish I could have seen my face. I'm sure my jaw was on the floor. I honestly wanted to cuss him out and punch him through the phone. I didn't have the fight in me though... I simply said congratulations and told him I had to go. I cried the whole way home. And to this day, I still cant believe he did that. I don't think I will ever fully forgive him.

When I got home the first thing I did was call the mortuary and make arrangements to see my daughter. They set up a viewing for the next day. I was looking forward to seeing my daughter for the first time.

{Today}
I woke up to find that the kind notes, text messages and photos were still pouring in. I seriously cannot thank you all for your thoughtfulness, your love, your support and your prayers. As one BLM told me: You dont need to thank us, we are BLMs and we need to stick together especially in our times of need. I coudln't agree more. One particular BLM left me the kindest notes yesterday. I just have to share her messages:
"Genesis Magali Lopez, flew home 4 years ago. She is loved, so loved! Her Mom, Tiffany is a dear friend of mine, and a pillar in the baby lost community. Both such beautiful souls. Happy 4th Birthday sweet Genesis!"
"It's ****'s bday candles we lit for genesis tonight. Me and the kids. We talked about you, genesis and the rainbows.and how you have taken something tragic and channeled your pain into something beautiful! Something I encourage them to do with their brittle bones. Take the hurt and change the world. Thank you for being an example to them, me and all baby lost parents. You are changing the world, beauty from ashes. Bravo friend!" {edited to protect her identity}
"Thinking of Genesis. Today is her 4th heavenly birthday. Please lift her mama, Tiffany Lopez up in prayer, and ask for comfort. her Mother, through Genesis is making a huge difference in the baby loss community! She is a true advocate, and friend."
"She has changed hundreds. I am blessed to know her through you! Happy heavenly birthday genesis! "
"She has an amazing legacy!"
I am also so happy to hear that a BLM friend had her rainbow daughter yesterday. While she was in labor she left the following message:
"It looks like our girls will be sharing birthdays. For me it is an honor to have ***** share her day with a very special angel! We love and miss ♥ Genesis ♥ Keeping you and your rainbows very close to our hearts."
Fran at Small Bird Studio even released a new blog design in honor of my sweet baby girl. Wow. Really, just wow. I received so many comments like these. I can't tell you how much these comments and kind gestures mean to me. I'm so glad that I am making a difference, and apparently it's to more people and families than I even thought. Last night I was crying tears of sadness because of how long I have been without her. But today I am crying tears of happiness and gratitude. Her death was not in vain. She is still making a difference to others through me. And for that I am so very happy. I am so grateful for all of you. And Ill say it again: I would be lost without the support of my BLM sisters. Thank you doesn't seem like enough... but it's all I can say right now. So thank you all so very very much for everything. You are beautiful people and its an honor to have shared Genesis with you all. Our children brought us together and for that, I am eternally grateful to them. Much love to you all <3

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

4 years ago, the day I became a mom

{The Story} 
(I realize my story is in the 'Genesis' & My Story' tab, but I wanted to go into details of this days events as part of recognizing Genesis today)

I woke up with some minor contractions. I was very excited that the medication finally seemed to be working. It took 8 pills. The most pills my doctor had ever had to use on any of her patients up till that point. I had social workers come in and out of my room the entire stay, asking me if I was ok. What do you mean am I ok? My child is going to die, how can I be ok? I simply did not know how to reply to these people. I really just wanted them to leave me alone. The pain was getting up there by the afternoon and I was wondering how long it was going to be. I remember that just as it was getting intense my husband left the room despite my wanting and needing him near. I remember being very upset about this but the pain from the contractions consumed me to the point where I couldn't voice my anger. However, my mom was with me though. Suddenly I felt something down there. I felt something bulging. I had my mom call the doctor. She took a look at it was the bag of waters bulging. She didn't want to break the bag yet but she had me do a couple test pushes and nothing was happening. She finally broke my water and then all the contractions stopped. She said she would be back in a little bit to check on me. No more than 2 minutes after she left I felt the baby coming out. I was freaking out. I told my mom to go get the doctor and they came in within seconds.

They had me start pushing. I don't remember how long I was pushing for. I remember that my left hip popped out and was hurting really bad. I told them I had to straighten out my leg to pop it back. Remember someone telling me "be careful not to kick the doctor." I know, pretty random memory. So I continued on pushing and at 5:45 pm the baby was out. Someone said "its a girl." I just knew she was a girl. I was so very happy she was a girl... I always wanted a girl. Then I remembered I wouldn't be taking her home. The feeling of being proud of my self for giving birth to my daughter quickly faded to a feeling of hatred towards my body. I couldn't even grow a baby right. Teenagers can do that, why cant I. Then I was waiting for the doctor to cut the umbilical cord but I remember that she didn't have to. It just ripped sadly. She had me try to deliver the placenta and it wasn't coming out. She was already talking about sending me to surgery to have it removed and it hadn't even been 2 minutes since I had the baby. I told her to hang on for a sec and give me time to push. Naturally moments later the placenta was delivered. I was very surprised to feel that the placenta felt as large as the baby did.

Getting back to the baby, I didn't want to see her. I was too exhausted and still in shock. I was also scared to see what she looked like. I remembered those graphic photos on the internet and I didn't want to remember her like that. I wanted to remember her perfect, just as she was in my mind. They took her away to another room where my mother and husband went to go see her. They were gone for a little bit. And when they returned my husband brought back a piece of paper with her footprints on it. It said "Baby Lopez." I made them take it back and give me a new one with her name on it. She wasn't just baby Lopez. She was Genesis Magali Lopez. He got another one made and it was just perfect. Except that I noticed my husband wrote the wrong time. Genesis was born at 5:45pm. On the paper he wrote 5:26. I was a little annoyed by this but to exhausted to make an issue out of it. 

I was then moved to another room for recovery. No it wasn't in the postpartum ward. I got moved to pathology. I felt robbed. I couldn't even be cared for postpartum the way a normal mother would. I later changed my mind about seeing Genesis and asked if I could see her. They told me that the mortuary already picked her up and I would have to call them to make arrangements to see her. I got woken up late that night to get my rhogam shot. I asked if they knew if the baby was rh - or + and they told me there was not enough blood to check. So out of precautions they just gave me the shot. 

{Today}
It is still quite early here. Its about a quarter to 6:00 am. Ive already had 5 cries today. I woke up to a flurry of email notifications letting me know everyone that has posted on my facebook wall. The total is over 60 so far. The flood of overwhelming support and love literally brought tears to my eyes. My good BLM friend Ann created a photo for people to use as their profile pic to show their support today. Seeing everyone change their profile pictures to remember my baby girl was amazing:

My dear BLM friend updated her blog to remember all March babies and she paid a very special tribute to Genesis <3
 
Its just beautiful! Ive gotten a few text messages today which have touched my heart as well. The day started with me getting ready for work and I just had to have a good cry in the bathroom before I got dressed. I had to turn the water on so as to not wake the kids.Of course I had to wear my Genesis bracelet to commemorate the day:
Also this morning I may have had a couple winks so far. First, I have a little stuffed animal in the car for the kids. When they are not in the car it's in the trunk. Well, I actually have a little thing that pulls out and covers the trunk and that's what it sits on. Yesterday on my drive home I noticed it was stuck between one of the headrests in the passenger side back seat and the ceiling of the car. It probably got stuck in there when I was on a bumpy road and it bounced there. I remember it because it was in the way of my rear view mirror. At any rate I left it there and when I get in my car this morning it was actually in the middle car seat. The car seat that I bought for Genesis that G now uses. It wasn't anything huge but it made me stop and think that it was a little odd.

Then another possible wink. I was driving on my way to work this morning. I was already in tears for like the 5th time, and I decided to pray for the strength to get through this day and for God to remember her and reunite us one day. After probably one of the longest prayers in a long time I turned on the radio to distract myself. A song that I had not heard in years was playing. It was this one:
 
I happened to turn on the radio in the middle of the song. Its at the 2:14 spot on the above video. This video shows the lyrics which I so connected to this morning. 
Ive been sitting here
cant get you off my mind
Ive tried my best to be a {wo}man and be strong
I drove myself insane
wishing I could touch your face
but the truth remains
your gone....
oh, what'll do
  if I cant be with you
tell me where will I turn to
Baby where will I be
Now that we are apart
am I still in your heart?
baby why don't you see
that I need you here with me
ohhhhh
Ive been sitting here
cant get you off my mind
Ive tried my best to be a {wo}man and be strong
I drove myself insane
wishing I could touch your face
but the truth remains
your gone....
baby girl, your gone....
Something else occurred today as well. I saw in the news that one of my favorite music artists passed away last night. Nate Dogg died at the young age of 41. So very very tragic. He was a legend in the music industry. Its such a shame. Now I will forever remember Nate Dogg on my dear Genesis birth-day. Its still not even 7:00 am here so I am sure I will be back to post an update and the rest of the days events.

My dear friend Tiffany just wrote a blog post today about how this last weekend was 5 months without her precious Julius. She so very kindly remembered Genesis and I as well. Her post made me burst into tears. Not sad tears, ok maybe a little sad, but mostly I was moved with her kindness and her love. Thank you so very much for your support mama. And as I mentioned to you, our children brought us together and for that I am eternally grateful. You are a beautiful mother, woman and person. Much love to you!

I decided to have sushi for lunch today to commemorate such a special occasion and if you know me, you know that I love sushi. But that isn't the only reason I chose to eat sushi. Sushi was actually the last meal I was able to eat before having Genesis. As I ate my hawaiian roll I visited those memories of that day... where I knew the end was to come. But at that moment  in time I was still pregnant with her. She was still alive. Kicking. Bonding with me. 


In other news for today, I received an email from my birth mother. (yes I am adopted, just found her a few years ago) And we have been keeping in touch via email every now and then. Well I should rephrase that. I send emails once in a blue moon and she replies maybe once every 10 blue moons ha ha! From what I am told she isn't really computer savvy nor does she really check her emails. So that's why I rarely hear from her. Today however I finally heard from her. Her email wasn't anything substantial. Just a "Hi, how are you" kind of thing. She doesn't know that today is Genesis' anniversary so she didn't reply on this day for that reason. Hearing from he just made today that much more special.


Another possible wink that happened on my way home from work was that I was listening to the radio... well, it was on I wasnt really paying attention to what was playing. I just had so many thoughts and emotions going on. Then I was just thinking how if someone really wants to get my attention or if anyone wanted to instantly make me cry (like anyone would really want to) all they had to do was say the name Genesis. As soon as I thought the words "..want to get my attention..." the radio stopped playing and then the sound of a heart monitor came on with that "beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." sound. It was flatlined. Then a woman's voice came on saying "Bring me back to life". This was actually part of the song that was playing but I had no idea. It really startled me and for it to come on that very second was a bit shocking.
********


Dear Genesis,
Where has the time gone? How can 4 years feel like an eternity yet come in the blink of an eye? I'm having trouble grasping the fact that I have had to live without you these last 4 years. I've heard people use the phrase 'time heals all wounds.' Clearly whoever came up with this insensitive comment wasn't a Babylost parent. This hurt and pain and void is just as much present as it was 4 years ago. No mother should have to live without one (or more) of her child(ren). That's got to be some sort of sick torture. What would you have been like as a 4 year old? I know you would have been gorgeous. People tell me D & G should be baby models, I know the same would have been true for you. You probably getting into trouble with D and making clubhouses under the blankets in your room. You would have been such a great big sister, showing D and G the ropes. You would have been such a big girl. What I wouldn't give to hear you call me mommy just once. *sigh* I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything to save you sweetie. I would have done anything, even given my life in order to save yours. I'm so very sorry. I am determined to help find a cure for this one day. To say that I think of you everyday is an understatement. I think of you in almost every thought I have. In every place I go. In everything I see. I miss you so damn much that it hurts my heart and the grief weighs heavy in my arms. I still have so many unanswered questions... like why us? why you? why did this happen? why, why, why...? I have not accepted the fact that I will probably never have the answers. For as long as I live I will probably be asking why. So many, many things have changed in the last 4 years baby. So many things. You are a big sister to two siblings who look just like you. Im telling them all about you. And D knows who you are and how important you are to our family. He tells me that you are so cute and that you are a princess when I show him your picture. He knows you are in Jehovah's memory and that we will see you in the new system. It breaks my heart that the three of you will not have a chance to grow up together. As I watch them grow up I always think of what could of and should of been with you. Everything we do is missing an important family member. I'm so sorry you cant be here to experience everything with us now. I am holding on to the hope of seeing you again one day. I am holding on with my life. The day that I will be able to hold all my children in my arms will be the happiest day of my life. I seriously cannot wait for that day. I feel like there is so much I want to say to you baby girl, but I just dont have the words. I don't need words, though, you can read my heart. It beats for you and your siblings. I miss you more than life itself baby. Thank you for the honor of being your mommy. You have taught me so much in your short time here, so very much. More than anyone else has in my life. Your legacy lives on. As long as I am living, so will your memory. You and your siblings are my greatest accomplishment in life and the best thing to ever happen to me. Because of you I hug the rainbows a little tighter and a little longer. Thank you for showing me what really matters in life. I love you forever baby. 
Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

4 years ago, still in the hospital

On this day 4 years ago I was still in the hospital for my induction. There were still no contractions happening, and I was still forced to eat a diet of jello and popsicles. I remember the bed was so uncomfortable. It was hurting my back so bad. They thought it was contractions that was hurting my back only to find that the monitor wasn't picking up any contractions. So it was just the crappy bed. They brought in a rocking chair for me to see if that felt better. And it sort of did but I was just in so much emotional pain that it didn't even make a difference if I was physically comfortable or not.

During the day I was told that I needed to make funeral arrangements for my baby. I could not believe this. I had not even had my baby and I was in the process of going to have it and I had to already plan on the funeral and saying goodbye. Luckily my parents helped me with this. They found a funeral home nearby. After they told them the situation the lady refused to charge me for cremation. I only had to pay some state or license fee. I was moved by the kindness of others.

I remember as the second night fell my doctor came in to talk to me about the induction. She told me that most people go into labor after 4 pills. I think I had already had 4 by this point. She started to explain my other option. {warning: very graphic description. please stop reading now if you don't want to read}
She was telling me that the induction didn't seem to be working. She told me she could refer me to a clinic that could do a different procedure. She didn't tell me what this different procedure was called. She did however go into detail about what would be done. I could have never prepared myself for hearing these words. She said this clinic will stick little things that resembled tooth picks into my cervix. She told me that these things, whatever they were, would drain my amniotic fluid. Then they would use some sort of vacuum to suck the baby out. She told me that this vacuum was very strong and that the baby was so little that it would surly rip it apart. (I only realized recently she was referring to an abortion clinic) I couldn't stand to hear any more of that. I told her it was not an option. I am not going there. This was my baby and it was going to be treated with respect, dignity and love. She then agreed to continue to try with the cervadil. However now she was having me take it orally. Another sleepless night at this hospital and once again still without a bite to eat. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

What did I tell you

I mentioned that uncommon things happen around or on Genesis EDD and birth date. The meteor today really made me think about her but I also said I wouldn't be surprised if something else happened this week. Well, it's happened.

A nuclear power plant in Japan has blown up and sent radiation into the air. This wave of radioactive air is headed right for us:


I'm very nervous. The media is down playing it. Naturally that's the course they would take so as to not cause panic. Well it seems panic has already set in as liquid potassium iodide has been flying off the shelves and most places are sold out. This helps block the absorption of radiation. So we have none of that and the entire state and neighboring states are going to be consumed. The level of radiation is 750 RADS. This is equal to having 750 CT scans done. Wow. Yea. I'm getting worried. The effects of radiation are usually not know until decades later. Which by then may be too late. It can mutate genes and cause terrible birth defects. It can cause infertility for both adults and children. Not to mention all sorts of cancers and ailments. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm praying extra hard tonight.

I just saw the most amazing thing

About 30 minutes ago I saw the most incredible thing. It was still dark and I just happened to glance out of the window at work. I see a green light in the sky. At first I thought it was a helicopter. But I noticed that it was coming down too fast to be a helicopter. Then the light got brighter green. Then it started moving a lot faster and then shot over towards the Hollywood sign. Then it suddenly turned orange and I saw flames coming out of it. The whole thing probably lasted between 10-15 seconds, but it felt longer considering how long shooting stars usually last. I should have grabbed my camera but I was just in awe of what I was actually seeing. I took a photo of the sky right after it happened and drew where this light was on the photo:
I know its a terrible drawing ha ha! But I just had to document what I saw. This is my first time seeing a shooting star or comet or whatever it was so clearly and so close to me. I of course instantly thought of Genesis. And how her birth-date is on Wednesday. Miraculous things tend to happen on her birth-day and EDD. Last year it was an earthquake here in LA on both those days. When the tsunami in Japan happened it made me think of her too. Though it wasn't on her actual birth-day so I just thought it was a coincidence. But I wouldn't be surprised if more unusual things happen this week.


I did a google search on green meteors. I read that many people have seen these meteors or shooting stars. They have a bright green trail behind them... though I didn't see really much of a trail... I just saw a glowing ball. What most everyone seems to comment on is that they are not very high up. The general public has estimated seeing them at roughly 1000 ft. That's about where I saw todays shooting star. I also read that they are uncommon and the color is based on the chemical composition, which was probably nickle. But these green ones are usually very bright. All in all it was beautiful and really felt like a priveldge to see such beauty. I found this picture online of a geen meteor that was seen over Australia some time ago:
What I saw was similar to this. Same shade of green however the one I saw did not have a tail till the very end. And the tail turned orange and the flames came out of the front of the comet. All in all, very cool. I definitely took it as a wink. I took the photo below after the sun came up. Where that dark gray streak to the left ends is roughly where I first saw the green ball. And if you were to continue the streak to the mountains that's the path I saw it go and eventually burn out.

4 years ago & my hospital stay

I woke up with my usual morning sickness 4 years ago today. I was very ill through out the whole pregnancy. I would throw up pretty much all day. So much so that my esophagus was so sore and there were even streaks of blood in my vomit. {sorry, kinda graphic} But add my nerves into the mix this particular morning and I was even more sick. I packed a hospital bag and ate my breakfast. I had a bowl of rice krispies cereal and some strawberries. I remember this clearly. My parents came over to bid me farewell to the hospital. As I was leaving the house and walking to the car I instantly got ill and threw up my entire breakfast on the front lawn. Right in front of my parents and my husband. I was so embarrassed. I even started to get the hose to clean it off and they told me not to worry about it. And with that we left with very heavy hearts.

I don't think we said a word the hole car ride. Just silence. We got to the hospital and checked in with the lady at the front desk. I told her I was there for an induction. She then asked me how far along I was. I told her and she replied with, "Well isn't that a little early to have a baby..." She said it in a joking trying to be funny kind of way. I had no words for this woman. I wanted to punch her in the face and say "yes it is. so you must know we are not here for a happy occasion." Instead I just walked away with tears in my eyes. My OB met with me and got me situated in the furthest away room in the maternity ward. They didn't want me around the other moms in labor. Then she said she had to find nurses that were willing to help me. Willing. They were treating me as if I were having an abortion. That was just so insulting. But once again I was just too consumed in my grief and stunned from the shock that I just didn't say anything. My doctor told me I should be home by the evening. Boy was she wrong.


They put pills of cervadil up inside me. They had to do this every few hours. And it was so very painful, not to mention humiliating. They wouldnt let me eat any real food since labor could start at any moment. Instead I was eating jello and popsicles the entire day and night. By the time evening fell again there were still no contractions.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

4 years ago today, we made a heartbreaking decision

4 years ago today we went into my OB's office before hours. She had my husband and I come in and discuss "options." I am pro life and knew the "termination" talk was coming up. I had it set in my mind that no matter what I was not terminating. Period. I dont recall how long the appointment lasted. I dont really remember everything that was discussed. One part that stood out to me was that my husband asked the doctor if me staying pregnant would make me sick. She said there was a chance. I admit, we were young and didnt ask the right questions... I didnt even think to ask how I could get sick. And looking back, I think that was a bunch of crap. But then she also told me that if I continued the pregnancy that the baby would feel pain. If I were to choose induction the baby's nerves are not fully formed and she told me it would feel no pain. She then left my husband and I for a little bit to discuss things. She made it clear that she needed an answer right now.

I felt very pressured with needing to give her a straight answer right then and there. My husband jumped on the bandwagon to add more pressure. Looking back I dont see why I had to make this decision right then and there. In the end the result would have been the same. Then I kept thinking about how badly I wanted a baby and that this baby would never result in a baby I can take home with me. I was being selfish and young and thinking the longer I stay pregnant now, the longer it will be before I can have a living baby. I was adimantly against induction until she told my my baby could feel pain later on and suffer from it's condition. Hearing that made me give in to the pressure to induce the next day. I wanted to consult with the members of my church first but my husband wouldnt let me, so this was the best decision I could have made at that moment in my life. I didnt want the baby to suffer. We made plans to come back at 6:00 am for an induction. I however made it clear that this was not me terminating the pregnancy, as this baby was wanted beyond words. I was simply turning off life support. 


We went home and again the day was sort of a blur. I remember I googled Anencaphaly to see exactly what my child had. I am so very sorry to say that I was horrified at the graphic photos I found online. I got so scared that my child might possibly look like that. I feel terrible now remembering those emotions... I would have kept her no matter how she looked if she would have lived. But I was young and stupid.

I remember we went to eat at one of my favorite sushi restaurants. Kind of as a last great dinner before "that event". I remember thinking, "I shouldnt be eating raw fish, Im pregnant... But it doesnt matter now. At least she will share this delicious last meal with me." I couldnt even enjoy the food which happens to be one of my favorites. I didn't even have it in me to talk or even make eye contact with my husband. The rest of the night was a blur. I was so very scared about the next day and what labor was going to be like. I was desperatly hopeing to go to bed only to wake up to find out this was just a bad dream. No such luck.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

4 years ago today my world crumbled from right under my feet

It was March 12th, 2007. I was nervously sitting in the waiting room with my then husband and mother. My palms were sweating and I could hardly sit still as they called every single pregnant woman in the room before me. Yes, even the ones that came in after me. This made me very nervous. I saw all the other pregnant women that had gone in, come out with smiles and beautiful ultrasound photos. I was desperately hoping I would join them. All the praying, all the random thoughts, all the possibilities of today's out come that I had thought about could have never prepared me for what was going to happen next. My life was going to forever change with 4 simple words: Not compatible with life.


While in the waiting room I didn't want to think of the bad. Instead I focused on the fact that we would be fining out our baby's gender. I had to have something to look forward to. Then a genetic counselor called us into a private room. She went over family history and I don't really recall what else. Although the one sentence that stood out to me was, "Be prepared for a fetal demise." This really threw me for a loop. Was she saying this to me? About my baby? No, she must have our file confused with someone else. I tried to ignore her comment. They sent us back into the waiting room. This time my heart was racing so loudly I swear I could hear it. I remember telling myself to breathe and calm down because it wasn't good for the baby. Then they called us to the ultrasound room. I made small talk with the assistant and asked if we could find out the gender. She said yes. I still had something to look forward to.


Then the doctor came in. Dr. Devore. He started the ultrasound. I was holding my breath waiting to see if my baby was moving or not. Immediately I saw the heart beating and then saw the baby moving. A sigh of relief. They were wrong!! The baby is ok... or so I thought. The doctor continued the ultrasound in silence. Then he stopped. He asked, "Did your OB talk to you about Anencephaly?" In my head I was saying, "Ana-what?" and promptly told him no. He started to explain: "Basically the baby's brain didn't form completely and ...." I tuned out after he said that. He was still talking but I don't know what he said. I knew you cant live without a full brain. He didn't need to tell me. I just lost it. I started crying hysterically. My husband and mother were looking at me like I was insane. It hadn't registered with them yet. That was until he said those horrible 4 words that doctors say: Not compatible with life. My mom kept saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." To me. My husband didn't say a word. The doctor left us all to be alone for a few minutes. We gathered ourselves enough to be able to leave the building in a calm manner. 


I felt the eyes of all the staff on me when I was walking down the hallway and out the door. I couldn't look up. I just couldn't. I don't remember how we got to the car but that's where we all eventually got. It was all a blur. I don't even think I was breathing. We all just sat in the car, we didn't even turn it on. We all started crying. It was horrible. I don't remember how long we were sitting there crying. It felt like an eternity. We started to drive home and I suddenly remembered that we didn't even find out the baby's gender. Yet another disappointment. We got home only to literally get a phone call from a family friend telling us that they heard the happy news that we were expecting and he was calling to congratulate us. My husband took that call... and while I was standing there next to him, still pregnant with a living child kicking me... he told our friend, "We lost the baby." I had such mixed emotions because this baby was not lost yet. It was very much still alive at that moment. But yet, it would not result in a living child. It was so very hard to explain and go into detail... it was just simpler to say we lost the baby.


I got a call from my OB asking us to come in the next day before hours to discuss things. Little did I know what I was going to be pressured into. The rest of the day was a blur. I dont remember much except just sitting on the sofa staring off into space. This could not be happening. This wasnt my life.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The way she was

Today I was going through some of Genesis things and came across the one photo I have of her. I showed it to my mom. My mom was shocked as if this was the first time she had seen her. The photo I have is kind of graphic. I imagine it was taken many hours she had been born and she began to discolor. My mom saw Genesis as she was being born and immediately after. I didn't. Something I will regret for the rest of my life. Only today did she tell me about what she looked like. She said she didnt look like the photo I had. She was very light, like a porcelain doll. Even her face... She also told me she had lots of thick, dark, straight hair. It was neatly in place and had an almost styled look to it like it was tucked in. She told me that she was the cutest most beautiful baby girl. This brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had seen her like that. At her best. Sadly I didn't. The Genesis I knew and saw only once was 3 days after she was born. She had already had some "changes" happen and she looked worse when I saw her. Though to me she was perfect. Her poor little head was so very bruised. That's how I remember her. But it brought me some comfort that my mom saw her in her full beauty and she was able to tell me about her. I regret not seeing her the way my mom did.



Horrific

Many of you have probably already heard by now about the devastating quake in Japan. You can read about it here. Apparently there is a tsunami headed our way here in sunny SoCal. Its supposed to hit in about an hour. Im not too worried as its only anticipated to be 3-4 foot waves. And I dont live near the ocean. Though my work is about 6 miles from there, Im still not really too concerned.

My concern is for the people in Japan. Those poor people that lost their lives, who are losing their lives, and will lose their lives. And yes, that includes children too. I am just devastated looking at the footage. 

This scares me to no end. It reminds me how fragile life is and how anything, even the unthinkable and the unplanned for can happen in the blink of an eye. It actually scares me from having anymore children. As a single mom I feel that my ability to protect my children is challenged. There is only 1 parent. I know that should a natural disaster should occur, I can grab a kid in each arm and head for the hills. But if I have anymore I cant do that. I dont know... maybe thats a ridiculous thought. But I worry about keeping so many kids safe during a disaster if I had more. 

I read an article yesterday about a family who lived on a farm. The father left the house to deliver milk and the mom just went outside to milk the cow. She had 8 kids ranging in age from 7 months to 6 years I belive. While she was outside the kids started playing with a heater and it caught on fire. Sadly 7 of her 8 children died. I cant even imagine. Beyond words horrific. Things like this scare me in my ability to protect my children.

Sad but true

I read this status update on one of my BLM friends facebook page yesterday:
Way too often, I see or hear about pregnant women smoking, drinking, loading up on huge amounts of caffeine, or doing drugs... When at the same time, I (sadly) know TOO many women who have done EVERY single thing humanly possible to ensure that they delivery a healthy baby and STILL end up losing their child(ren). Every day I realize more and more that karma is crap and that life can be so unfair.
Life is unfair. And today I was reminded of this again. I know of two teenagers that are friends with my siblings. One is a girl. She is about 19 years old. She has a 1 year old daughter. Already you can see her situation is not idea. She is black and the baby's father is white. Her family is racist and hate her and the baby. It's so very sad. I'm not sure of her financial situation or if she even got to finish high school. I do however know that she lives at home with her mother and 2 other siblings. Speaking of her other siblings, she has a 16 year old sister (maybe 17) who is actually pregnant. Yeah.... And I just found out that this girl (the 19 year old) is now pregnant again. I am just besides myself... Then another friend of my siblings, this time a boy and he's 21, just found out he got some girl pregnant. This guy is the most disturbed "emo kid" I have ever come across. He has some sever problems. He cuts himself, he's bipolar, he is so disgusting with no hygiene at all.... and these are the people that are blessed with children. These pregnancies will probably go on to result in a healthy baby.
Yet there are women out there like me who did everything right to ensure we were taking the best care of our most wanted babies. It's just so unfair. I know many BLMs that are struggling with infertility and yet these teenagers get pregnant on the first try when they didn't even want a kid, when they have no means of taking care of a child, when they themselves are children. Some will even go on to have abortions. 
The BLM that lost her rainbow commented on the above status update saying that while she was at the clinic getting a D&C, the waiting room was filled with pregnant girls waiting to have an abortion. She was sitting in the waiting room crying for the rainbow in her womb with no heartbeat and all these other girls were there to murder their children. My god. I just cant even imagine her experience. 
I'm just so saddened by this. It sort of reminds me of my own sister... pregnant at 17. Dont get me wrong, I love my nephew to death. Im so very glad he is here now. But the circumstances around it are not good. It makes me sad... I did everything right: waited till marriage to have sex, made sure we were able to support ourselves and affor children, spoke to an OB about ttc before we started, planned the pregnancy, took care of myself the entire pregnancy... and my baby died. Yet my sister did none of the above. She didnt even start getting prenatal care till she was over 5 months pregnant and she had a healthy baby. Now I dont wish bad on any of these babies... they didnt ask to be born. And despite the circumstatnces they are still blessings. But its just terrible how unjust life is.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A last minute visit

4 flowers for 4 years
The rainbows and I went on an unplanned visit to go see Genesis' stone in the memorial garden. It was sort of last minute but I needed it. As soon as we got there and sat down D said, "mommy, see Genesis' rock." He remembered! ::Tears:: He knows what this place is. I can't tell you how happy that made me. Then I said yes, do you know where her rock is? He promptly said yes. I asked him to show me and he walked right to her stone, pointed to it and said, "right there." He is so very smart! He then went on to tell me that Genesis is too far away and that she is with Jehovah. He then said, "See Genesis in the new system." I can't tell you how proud of him I am. I am even prouder of myself for teaching him about his big sister. I'm so glad it's sinking in and he is remembering all on his own. My heart was happy today.


I met a nice lady who was watching her granddaughter. D quickly made friends with her and we got to talking. She said she loved the garden because it was so peaceful. I agreed. She then said, "you know, these names are of children that have passed..." I said, "I know. My daughter's name is right over there. We brought her flowers today." Her jaw dropped {literally} and she gasped as she covered her mouth. She asked me how old she was. I told her she died at birth. I was at peace when I was talking to her. I didn't cry or choke back tears. It was actually nice telling her. She went on to tell me about a sister that passed away at a few months old and how her mom and her brother died while her mother was giving birth. So very tragic. But all in all, it was a nice conversation, despite the topic, and today was exactly what I needed.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I need opinions

I think about what Genesis would have looked like had she been a term baby. I think about what she would have looked like as an infant, a toddler, and the young lady and woman she should have grown up to be. I know all of our minds have pondered that thought at least once. {Its more of a daily thing for me} The real answer is... I will never know. At least not in this system.

I came across a site that does photo editing including age progression. This is something I know BLMs would really be interested in. Well at least I am, that's why I am blogging about it. Here is an example of their work:
From what I understand this little boy passed away and his parents always wondered what he would have looked like growing up. Here is what this company came up with. Its truly amazing. 

I have been thinking about doing this for Genesis. Its not cheap so its not a light decision for me. Also I wanted imput on this from other BLMs. Would you do this? Is this too weird? I know it would bring me comfort but I guess I am afraid of what others may think. I know I was trying to get away about caring what others think but I am only human. To be able to get photos of what Genesis would have looked at like an infant, toddler, and beyond is mind blowing. To gaze into her eyes... wow. And I know this doesnt mean she would have looked like that for sure. Clearly, this is more for emotional comfort rather than factual photos. But I would love to hear your thoughts.

Lots to say

I have so many things to blog about... yet I feel like I don't have the words and don't even know where to start. Of course I'm going to be all over the place with this post.

First off, 7 days... just 1 week till I have been without her for 4 years. I can't believe it. Really... its shocking to hear myself read that out loud. She's been gone for 4 years. wow....

Second, I was watching the last episode of Desperate Housewives from my DVR and there was a scene where Bree is at a hotel to find Beth. I immediately see this:
The room number of the hotel was 316. Like Genesis' birth date, March 16th. When I saw it, it kind of made me sigh a little...totally made me think of her.

Also I had a pretty vivid dream last night. It was very odd though. I dont remember where I was but I remember I was with my mom. Suddenly I was climbing trees and was surrounded by hummingbirds. Some with green heads and some with pink heads. As I reached the top of a branch to sit on, a hummingbird with a green head flew into my jacket. She got caught in my necklace. You know the special one I always wear. The circle that says mother in 4 languages was around the birds head. And it was on her like a collar and leash. I grabbed her and held her in my hands. She was the cutest thing. So very soft and didnt even struggle to get out of my hands. I remember her long beak. When my mom got close she kind of stabbed my mom with her beak lol But she was so kind to me. I opened my hand and she didnt fly away. She just stayed purched in my hand. I remember being so happy and just so into this little pure bird. It was beautiful.

Also... I feel like people see me as a bad friend. And I feel like it most of the time. It's no surprise I dont have very many in real life friends. I connect more to my BLM friends and there are a few local ones that I can connect to in real life. That has brought me much comfort. But being that I am a working single mom I dont have the time to really go out and do much with them. And if I do go, I have the kids with me. Its such a struggle because some of my local BLMs dont have any living children and I dont know how bringing two little ones along will affect them. Also I am sad to say that one of my local BLM friends recently lost her rainbow. I cant tell you how devastated I am. I want to be there for her and just cry together. Show her my support. Give her a hug and tell her I will remember both her babies... but I cant. I cant be there physically. She is such a sweetheart for understanding, but I still feel like a crumy friend. Doing things as a single mom with 2 kids is no joke. I mean seriously. I have not even attempted going to the grocery store with both of them on my own. I know that it will make a 15 min trip take 2 hours and I can only imagine the meltdowns if one gets cranky... I have limitations. And just as any mother will say... I put my kids first. They come before any one else on the face of the earth... before work, before friends...even before myself. That's what being a mom is all about. So I am not going to do something that I know will make them suffer (driving in a car for hours with them crying in the backseat) just because I want to go somewhere or do something. I just wish I didnt feel like a bad friend for being the best mom I can be. Cant I just be both somehow?

Monday, March 7, 2011

I needed that

Needless to say I am still a bit stressed over the events that took place this weekend. I know this will take some time to resolve the issue with my ex husband and I just hate thinking about it all. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. But in the meantime I am trying to relax as best I can... since worrying isnt going to make anything better. I literally said out loud, "Lord give me the strength"..{and of course posted that status to facebook} and no more than 2 minutes later I look outside and see this:
I know its the the biggest brightest rainbow, but it's still a rainbow. Wow. If that's not a sign then I dont know what is. It definitely brought me comfort and hope that things will work out. It always does. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A late wink

One thing I forgot to mention about the memorial service was that I arrived late. I missed pretty much all of it thanks to
traffic and the fact that we had to drive 2 hours with 3 little ones and had a few meltdowns along the way.

It wasn't till we were leaving that I grabbed the program:


And since the kiddos decided to have another meltdown on our way out I didn't have a moment to look through the program till now. Here is the inside:


Do you see that?


A hummingbird! Wow. Just wow.

BLMs to the rescue

I thought this weekend was off to a phenomenal start since I got my tax refund on Friday. However it all quickly went downhill after that. Friday evening I had an issue with my ex husband which Id rather not go into detail about here. Needless to say it has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. I think that was my first real anxiety attack. My hands would literally shake. I felt as though I couldn't breathe and was getting very light headed. I was finally able to calm myself enough to go to sleep that night. I woke up the next day still a nervous, emotional wreck. It seems I just cant get a break. 


To add to all this today I attended my uncle's funeral. Though I wasnt really close with him, his passing is still very sad. I went to show my support and love and remember him along with his family. My aunt lives in a mobile home park and they have a recreation center there that they rented out for a memorial service. It made me sad that it was here. Because the last time I came to visit {which was about 15 years ago Im sad to say} we all met in that same hall to celebrate my uncle and aunts 50th wedding anniversary. It was so very sad his memorial was held in the same place. 


Being that it's March and all and that it's a community center, the hall was decorated with the theme of the season... St. Patrick's day. This sort of flaunted in my face that Genesis' birth/death date is coming up. The decorations instantly took me back to March 2007 when I walked into the maternity ward to have a baby that I knew I would not be taking home with me. I remember all the clover decorations. All the pots of gold and green everywhere. I saw each piece of decoration in this hall and saw my stay in the hospital in each one. It was difficult. Add to that, that this was the first time my dad's side of the family has met my rainbows. They dont know about Genesis nor am I even going to attempt to try with them {I have my reasons}. But being asked questions like "how does it feel to be a mommy?" or "do you have anymore kids?" and hearing my mom say {about my nephew} "he's our first grandchild..." really all stab me in the heart. That first question may not seem so tough: "how does it feel to be a mommy?"... but to me it is. See, I was a BLM before I was a mommy. I have never just been a mommy. So when I am asked that I feel the pain in my heart of missing out being a mother to Genesis. So this whole terrible weekend was made even worse because I was constantly reminded that I am inching my way closer and closer to the 16th.


Well after quite the exhausting and sad day today, I get home to find these beauties sitting on the front porch waiting for me. A BLM friend saw what a difficult weekend I had been having on my facebook page and sent these lovelies to me. Once again I am blown away by the kindness of these amazing women. They put a smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. These are seriously the most beautiful flowers I have seen in a while. I love how bright and cheery they are. If you look closely there are little lemon wedges {artificial of course} in the bouquet. They are just darling! This is just what I needed and made me feel 100% better. Thank you so much mama {you know who you are} for your kindness and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. Ive said it before, and Ill say it again.... I would be lost without my BLM sisters. 
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