Monday, January 31, 2011

A ton of bricks

That's how my emotions hit me just now. One of my old friends from high school told me he and his wife are expecting their first child. I am beyond thrilled for them. She's about 5 months along... And that's what started it.

I was a little more than 5 months along when I said goodbye to Genesis. Every time I hear "5 months pregnant" it takes me back to March 2007. My friend and his wife created a page online dedicated to every thing related to the baby to keep everyone posted. It's the cutest thing and you can tell they are very excited. Even going as far as creating the cutest movie on YouTube to announce the pregnancy. I love that they are documenting everything. All those little details are literal treasures. Watching the video, reading the posts and seeing the photos brought tears to my eyes. Yes I am happy for them but these were sad tears. Sad that I didn't think to do this for Genesis. All those little details were not even given a second thought. I was ignorant to the fact that this would mean something to me one day. And because of that I will always have a feeling of regret that I didn't note everything in the pregnancy.

I don't know if you have noticed but pregnancy is like a plague. One person announces they are pregnant and suddenly I have 20 pregnant friends and run into countless pregnant women while I'm out and about. It makes part of me sad.

I'm sure you can all relate to some extent. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I feel guilty for feeling this way because here I have 2 beautiful as healthy rainbows and some babylost parents out there have no living children yet. I know how they feel... I was once them. But like my grief, my life has evolved as well. An well, I can't deny this is the way I feel. Period.

And I don't blame anyone for making me sad. It's not them that is causing me pain. Genesis death is what pains me. I am thrilled for my fiends and family who get pregnant. I'm beyond thrilled when a BLM gets prego with their rainbow. But all this does make me miss being pregnant. And of course want more kids even worse.

As I've said many times before, I know I want more kids. Just don't know when or how. I'm scared about that feeling though. After Genesis died I felt like I wanted 20 kids. I'm not sure I know why. (And of course no child can ever replace her) I suppose it may be because only after I was told I wouldn't be able to keep my baby did I realize how badly I did want children. Only then did I realize how badly I wanted to be a mother. And now I've had boy and girl rainbows and I still have that feeling that I am not done. And that's ok. But it worries me that this is a permanent feeling because I will never be complete because Genesis will be missing till the day I die. I guess I won't know until I'm there.

Tears

D just told me this out of the clear blue:
"Genesis is with Jehovah"...."I love her"..."she's far away..." all I could do was hug him.



The inspiration and love behind it all

The lady who I have been working with to get Genesis name in the Children's Memorial & Healing Garden is named Mieke (pronounced Me-ka)(shown left). She was the one who had the idea to put this memorial garden together. As I mentioned before, she is a BLM too. Her daughter died at the age of 14, so her story is a little different than most of ours, but she is still a BLM who is hurting and who is trying (and succeeding might I add) to find beautiful ways to remember our children and to keep their memory alive.


Her daughter's name is Marieke Douridas. She was the most beautiful young lady Ive seen in a long time. Below you will find the newspaper article about he death and about the plans for the garden while it was in its early stages. (click photo to enlarge)
I cant tell you what seeing this young girls face does to me. It breaks my heart and inspires me at the same time. She and Genesis have a connection now. So I see her, and I think of Genesis. But Marieke and her beautiful mother Mieke are the reasons for this most beautiful memorial garden. Below are some photos of that most difficult day where mother and daughter had to say goodbye. I can feel the despair in the photos. It just makes my heart crumble into a million pieces.

I think its absolutely beautiful what grief and tragedy gives birth to. It's a mixture of hope, inspiration, motivation, perseverance, growth, creativity... and so much more. At least its not all horrible going through something like this. At least in my opinion. Its so very easy to see only the negative. And believe me, there is a lot. But Ive learned to see the beauty that rises out of the destruction and ash as well.

I didnt know when this garden officially opened, or was dedicated. All I knew was that when I lived here it wasnt here. I moved, and when I came back to visit it was here. I felt bad that I didnt know about this most significant garden then and that I missed the dedication. Only now after doing a little research did I see that the dedication took place on April 30th, 2008. Here was the flyer from that day:
I dont feel so bad that I missed it now. Had I known about it back then, I still would not have been able to make it. You see, I had just given birth to my first rainbow days before this. That also makes this garden all the more special to me. 
Her stone at Garfield Park
Today I sent out payment for Genesis' stone engraving. Those of you that know me on a personal level know that money is a little difficult right now. There was no way I was going to be able to afford this right now. But as mentioned before, my parents actually stepped up to help with this since they new how close to my heart this was. I had planned to pay back every penny when I could but they told me that I only needed to pay back half as they wanted this to be a gift to Genesis (and to me) from them as well. I cant tell you how much this meant to me. 
So here is the little piece of paper that is gonna make everything happen in this beautiful park. I want to thank my parents once again for making one of my dreams for Genesis come true. I will never find the words to fully thank you. But know that I will never forget this from the bottom of my heart and from the depths of my soul. I mailed out payment today and hopefully in the coming days/weeks I should hear more about when the engraving will actually take place.

Thank you to all my readers for sharing in this most special endeavor. Your support means so much to me.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Music to my ears

Once again D told me this morning that "Genesis is with Jehovah." I love hearing him speak of her.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The day D met Genesis

D is at an age where he is starting to ask questions about things. He leaves my mouth hanging at times with the questions he asks. This kid is so smart, he gets way more than I think.


I mention to him here and there that Genesis is his big sister and that we will all be a whole happy family again one day. I try to keep her memory alive and to teach D that there was someone before him (btw I still totally need to get him that book). And most of the time he seems to get distracted and not really pay that much attention. He is a toddler after all.


Today I asked him who his big sister was and I had to remind him that her name is Genesis (btw, hearing him say her name is sooooo cute!). Then I had a though... Maybe he would like to see a picture of her. The only picture I have of her. I think he is old enough now to grasp it. So I brought out her scrapbook and showed D her picture. This was the first time ever that D has ever seen that picture. The first time he has been "face to face" and laid eyes on her.


To me it was a big deal. D didn't really care. He was more fascinated with the stickers and other items in the scrapbook. I still told him that that was Genesis, his big sister. And that we miss and love her and will see her again one day. I kissed her picture and he insisted on doing the same. It was a touching moment.


A few hours later we went over to nana's house. Out of the blue he turns to nana and says, "Genesis is with Jehovah." My mom didn't hear him and asked him to repeat himself. Again he said, "Genesis is with Jehovah." My mom and I were stunned and were just staring at each other. My sister was in the hallway and heard him too and came in just as shocked as we were. It instantly made me cry. I've never told him this, ever. As D was saying this he looked sad. My mom went over to him and told him that he was absolutely right. And that we will see her again one day. I can't tell you what this moment meant to me. It's such a confusing mixture of emotions. I'm proud of him for listening to the things I say. Shocked at the things he comes up with on his own. Beyond thrilled that he remembers and speaks his sisters name. Heartbroken that in order to know his sister it has to be this way.

A special day

I'm sorry, I'm a few days late with this post. On Australia Day 4 years ago, a special little boy made his grand appearance to this world. Like many of our babies, his stay was brief. But because of this little boy a huge and unmeasurable loving BLM community was born.


Yes I'm talking about Christian Dudley. His incredibly beautiful (inside and out) mother, Carly Marie Dudley, began her journey as a BLM. I'm sure most of you are familiar with her work. If not you can click here.


I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. And Carly most definitely came into mine to help with my healing. I found the BLM community through her blog. I had been without support for 2 years and utterly along in my grief before I met her. I dont look back on the time I didnt know the BLM community, instead I see how much I have grown since I have met these wonderful women...beginning with Carly. She was the first person to ever write Genesis name for me.




I got the above photo exactly on the 2 year anniversary of Genesis estimated due date. She had an still has no idea how significant this day was for me.


I also won a giveaway Carly had once for a personalized beach butterfly. She knew that dragonflies were Genesis thing and so she so graciously drew me a dragonfly though she was not actively promoting that she did this. Here is that photo:


Once again I received this picture on a most significant day. This time it was the 2 year anniversary of Genesis death. And once again she had no idea that date was special to me in anyway. I just knew that these were winks. It's too much to just be a coincidence.


One last thing that ties our babies together is that they were born not too far apart from each other. A mere 7 weeks is what separates their days of birth. Most of the BLMs I have met have very recent losses, and even that at times is a bit isolating since we are at different points in our grief. So to have this connection with Carly means even more to me.


So this post is for the beautiful soul and his beautiful soul mother to thank them for everything they have done for the BLM community and for me personally. I will never forget your kindness nor will I ever forget Christians legacy.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What did you like best...

My all time favorite movie is City Of Angels. However I had not watched it for years. It just sat in my shelf dormant. Because you just dont have a lot of time to sit down and watch movies when you are busy having kids, having a baby die, having your husband leave you and then suddenly a single mom of two. So yea, I have not watched it in close to 5 years. 


So today I decided to put it on. Big mistake. I forgot that who I was prior to Genesis dying was no longer who I am. How does that come into the picture? Well the opening scene of the movie is of a worried mother and her very ill maybe 7 year old. She has a very high fever and is rushed to the hospital. She sees Seth, he is an angel. You only see these angels if you are dying. She looks right into his eyes and then suddenly is standing next to him looking back at herself trying to be resuscitated by the nurses and her mother is crying over her lifeless body. This is the dialog that stabbed me through the heart this evening:








little girl: "Are you God?"
Seth: "No. My name is Seth."
little girl: "Where are we going?"
Seth: "Home."
little girl: "Can Mommy come?"
Seth: "No."
little girl: "She won't understand."
Seth: "She will......someday."

{Seth & the little girl start walking away down a hallway, hand in hand}
Seth: "Can I ask you something?"
little girl: "Yes."
Seth: "What did you like best?"
little girl: "Pajamas."

Then Seth meets up with another angel and is telling him about the little girl:

Seth: "She definitely knew what she liked."
Other Angel: "Pajamas?"
Seth: "Flannel, with feet."



I had to turn off the movie after that. I just sobbed uncontrollably. This can no longer be my favorite movie. It just doesnt mean the same thing to me now. I dont know what made me think that I could sit down and watch this movie like I did before.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Mad & Happy

Ill start with what made me mad. If you are on facebook, you may have already heard this but I just need to let it out, let go and move on from these insensitive comments. 


A male friend of mine and I were talking about Genesis. He *seems* to understand what its like to be a babylost parent more than my other friends...until he made the following comments. He said, "It's understandable you miss her. She was your daughter..." after he said that, it was apparent he didnt understand. As a matter of fact it felt like he had not been listening to a word that I had been saying. I quickly corrected him saying that she IS my daughter. When your parent dies, do they cease being your mother/father? No of course not! They are you mother/father for the rest of your life and even after that. Its something that is in place till time indefinite. So why would a baby be any different. Why is this so hard for outsiders to grasp...


Then this same person on a different occasion told me that he could relate to my grief and pain. He said that when he was in high school he was very active. He played every sport there was. He got injured one day and they told him he could not play sports anymore as he may become paralyzed. He said his life ended right then and there. I can't tell you how insulting this was to me. Genesis was not a game of football. She was a living, breathing, literal piece of my flesh HUMAN. Even if she was only alive inside me. I would gladly trade ever playing any sport again to have her back. I would gladly become paralyzed to have her in my life. I would agree to have all my limbs amputated if it brought her back.  His words were beyond hurtful. When will people learn to just say that they dont understand what we are going through but they are sorry for our loss and they are praying for us? One day I hope.


I also had seen a commercial on TV playing for some time and I had been meaning to do a blog post about it but then it didnt play again for a while. Until the other day. You may have seen it. Its a Dr. Pepper commercial {my favorite drink lol} and it's about how Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors in a diet drink and people dont believe it. There is a support group for things that people dont believe in. Like Santa Clause, the easter bunny, leprechauns, aliens, fairies, Bigfoot.... you get the idea. Yet in all seriousness... people teach their kids that these things are real, they speak of these things no matter how ridiculous it may be and continue to do this for years and years and for generations onto generations... but people wont acknowledge something that really did exist. Our babies. They wont speak their name like they do about Santa Claus. They forget their existence yet remember to include bunnies and chocolate eggs for Easter every single year. This commercial always makes me think of Genesis.


And there is some good in today's post... its not all negative. I heard back from the children's memorial garden and they asked me to double check spelling and punctuation and all that jazz. They have officially forwarded the request to the engraver. The last step is for them to tell her when and hopefully I can be there when it happens.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Winks, Winks and more Winks

Today I met up with 2 very special BLM friends, Cassie and Karen. Both of them and their babies hold a very special place in my heart. We had a lovely lunch at The Elephant Bar. As I was walking to the door a hummingbird approached me and literally came within touching distanced and stayed there for a moment. It definitely put a smile on my face. We had a lovely time talking about our everything... about the LA Walk To Remember, our babies that are no longer here and our rainbows. I am very excited to say that Karen is pregnant with her rainbow! I cant even put into words how happy I am for her. {dont worry Im not letting the cat out of the bag, she already announced it on facebook ;)} After we all went our separate ways and I had already got back home, I got a message on facebook from Cassie saying she went to Target afterwards and met a little girl named Genesis. How awesome is that?! Had I been with her when that happened I think I would have turned to her with the most surprised face and Id probably start to tear up a bit. Thank you Cassie for sharing this with me. I felt that our babies were with us today and this totally confirms it. Wanna hear something else? Today my mom finally brings me home Examining The Scriptures Daily for 2011. I have not read this in a while as my faith had been shaken by everything that has happened in my life. But I made it my resolve to do better with my spirituality not just for me, but for my rainbows. I open the text to todays text and the scripture blew me away. It's a scripture that I hold near and dear to my heart and always makes me thing of Genesis. And its today's text.


"He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." ~ Revelation 21:4


Seeing that this was the quote for today is a sign. I have no doubt about it. A sign from Genesis... a sign from God... or both...Im not sure about who sent it but I know it's a sign. I must strengthen my spiritual life if I am to have any hope of ever seeing my sweet baby girl again. And thats exactly what I plan to do. So thank you to whoever sent me today's winks, they were exactly what I needed.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Another wink

I got some BLM mail today. It totally made my day! {as it always does} And I saw this heart on it. Though I know Valentine's Day is coming up, I think its really early for the post office to be putting hearts everywhere. I mean come on its only the 22nd. But either way it made me think of Genesis. So Im gonna go ahead and call this a wink. Because that's all that matters right? If it makes me think of Genesis then its totally a wink.

I got it

I finally came up with the perfect wording for Genesis stone at the children's memorial & healing garden. It actually wasn't on my list that I posted on here. I'm going to keep the quote a surprise until her stone is finished. I emailed them to let them know how I want it to appear, and they are gonna get back to me and let me know how long it takes. I'm not sure if they will tell me what day it will be done...but wouldn't it be cool if I could be there while they are doing it and get photos of them engraving the stone? One can only hope...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Living in a dream

I'm sitting in a salon right now getting my hair done and of course the hair dresser is being friendly and asks if I have kids, how many and how old. {naturally she is pregnant herself...and naturally she is due in March...}


Today I decided to say, "I have 3 kids. Two girls and a boy. Ages 3, 2 and 8 months..." I figured it wouldn't hurt anyone to answer this way. And boy did it feel good saying that. Now I only wish it were true.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A peaceful day

I went to go visit the children's memorial & healing garden that Genesis is going to be added to today. As a matter of fact, I had a picnic there with the rainbows. I was trying to picture where her name might go. I don't really have much of a choice in the matter. But I'm happy to have her name added anywhere...just as long as she is in this most special place. I still have yet to finalize any quote to put along with her name. I've really been thinking hard about it and I thought going there would help me think as well.


I noticed that the stones got many more names placed on them. So sad. And all the previous times I had been there it had only been me there. This time while the rainbows and I were eating lunch, about 4 families came through at the same time. Most of them taking pictures, some just sitting quietly. I'm so glad this garden means so much to so many... But saddened that there are so many babylost parents. I wish things didn't have to be this way.


But today while I was there, a new feeling came over me. It's no longer grief. Instead I found peace. I was calm. I felt like was home. I am home there. It's my most comforting place on Earth. Its just heavenly (no pun intended). I love the fact that she will be at this park, mere steps from the home I grew up in. A home that will always hold a special place in my heart as well. It just couldn't be any more perfect. I truly feel like her being there was meant to be. Something cute that happened was that there is a sculpture of 3 kids holding hands (2 boys and a girl) and D went up to it to check it out. He then held on to the hand of the girl. It was a very touching moment <3 I noticed some of the beautiful scenery today:




The first photo is of a bottle brush tree. And in the second photo, at the base of the bottle brush tree, there is a Chinese jade plant. Both of these plants were around my home (just across the street) growing up here. The fact that they are in Genesis' garden (this is my new name for this place) makes it feel just like home. And check out some more pics of the mosaic artwork on the benches:









Absolutely beautiful! And did you see the yellow heart in the last picture? Totally perfect for Genesis. Yellow was her color... Can't you tell by the yellow heart tabs on this blog? :) And the garden was surrounded by the most beautiful plants:









Even the plants seemed to be just perfect for a little girl with all the pinks and purples. Just so very beautiful, so very calming, so very perfect.


I feel I'm approaching a new chapter in Genesis' history where I can reflect on things that remind me of her without being sad anymore. Instead most of the time I'm feeling peaceful. And happy for the reminder. I'm sure I'll still have those grief stricken moments that like to sneak up on you, but for now I'm feeling at peace. This was the sunset this evening which I think captures perfectly how serene and peaceful my day was.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A uterine rant

Yup. You read that right. "A uterine rant." You're probably asking yourself what the heck does that mean?... Well I'll tell you by asking you a question. Why would my uterus be anyone else's business but my own? {you probably see where this is going}


It's not a surprise I want more kids one day. And before anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon I'm ranting about... It's not gonna happen today, or tomorrow or even this year. Heck, I don't even know if it will happen in the next five years. And I don't even know how I'm going to get pregnant when the time comes. {ie: artificial insemination or the good ol fashion way or adoption or whatever} I just know I want more kids... That's it. Yet when I casually bring it up in conversation, like today, it seems to create some kind of uproar. I casually said to my mom today, "if I ever get pregnant again, I think I would wait till the baby is born to find out the gender..." my mom gave me a look like I was insane and predicted the Apocalypse and said, "why would you do that? It would be such a burden..." My sister then jumped on the bandwagon saying I shouldn't have anymore and yada yada. {and btw who is she to tell me about not getting pregnant? She got pregnant at 17 and is currently 18 and mommy to my 9 month old nephew...} I'm going to have kids weather they like it or not. It's my life and my body and you guessed it...MY UTERUS. I got pregnant with G regardless of what anyone thought...why would my future dreams be any different. I mean come on what is the big deal? They are not even considering that maybe one day I might actually get married again and there might be two parents in the picture. Though I have to say, it doesn't sound like it's a single parent concern to me. It just sounds like they don't want me to have any more kids. And I mean really... You are gonna tell me of all people that having a kid is a "burden"!? How many times have I told everyone that I'd much rather have a "burden" than a child that never causes trouble, never makes a peep, a child that as a matter of fact never does anything at all because they are dead. So a note out there to all my family (or whoever for that fact) that want to tell me what to do with my uterus... Guess what? I'm not listing.... And neither is my uterus.

Quite the mixture today

Today I started the day by running some errands. I packed the kids in the car and decided to do a quick rinse of my very dirty car. I love what I saw:


I love rainbows. It just brightens my day and makes me so very thankful. It made me smile and I went on with my day. I was driving along, probably no more than 3 minutes after I left I ran into something. A funeral procession. It instantly made me sad to see the Hurst and the cars following behind with their flashing lights and "funeral" sticker on their windshields. I tried to just get that out of my head and think happy thoughts today. I passed the procession and before I even passed the last car of the procession, I saw a second funeral procession behind the first. There it was... Another Hurst, more mourning people, another dead loved one. It made me think of Genesis. I have never ever seen two processions back to back like that. God forbid they were family members.... Just the thought of that makes me cringe.


As they passed my car, Genesis' sun catcher shined a rainbow into my eye. It was quite the mixture of emotions. I missed her, yet glancing at her sun catcher was kind of comforting. And the rainbow shining at me reminded me of my most precious cargo in the backseat. So on I went to run my errands.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, it turns out I am allergic to the new chain I used for my "mother ring". I had to take it off last night and it felt so wrong. I've never taken it off. I found myself grabbing for it the entire day. I felt so naked. So part of my errand running was to find a new chain.

As I was shopping I saw this:


Really? St. Patty's day stuff already? Wow. It instantly brought back memories of Genesis since she was born very close to St. Patty's day. It made me remember the maternity ward covered in 4 leaf clovers and pots of gold. It started to make me sad again... And then I saw this:


Another rainbow. Genesis' and my rainbows... It was almost like she was saying, "you can miss me but remember my siblings". It made me smile and made things a little better. What I saw next made my day all together. It couldn't have been more perfect. I found the perfect chain to add my "mother ring" to:


Isn't that amazing?! It's already around my neck. I'm only hoping I'm not allergic to this one too since I'm pretty sensitive. But wow... What a day of ups and downs.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Everyone Wins!

I am so happy I won one of Franchesca's beautiful giveaways (the best one yet if you ask me). I won a $25.00 donation made in Genesis name to the organization of my choice. I of course chose Duke Center For Human Genetics to help further the research of NTDs. Check out this beautiful donation:
Winning the giveaway made me smile...actually seeing the donation made in Genesis' name made me cry...happy tears of course. I was not the only winner in this giveaway. Everyone wins. Fran wins for supporting such a worthy cause, Genesis wins because her memory lives on and others win because this donation may one day save tiny lives. I cant thank you enough Fran for being the beautiful person you are. Like I told you just a little while ago... I will see to it that one day I give you a great big hug in person. Until then, cyber hugs will have to do ;) (((HUGS))) And I know I just did a post about this but I have to put it out there again... if you would like to make a donation, any amount at all, in memory of Genesis to this wonderful research, please visit this page. You have left my heart so very full tonight Fran. Thank you.

..... (¯`v´¯)♥
.......•.¸.•´
....¸.•´
... (
☻/
/▌♥♥
/ \ ♥♥

Some Great Stuff

I am happy to announce that Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope has done it yet again. This time they have established Face2Face Groups. In case you cant tell by the name of these groups, its where BLMs can meet face-to-face and have that in person interaction and support. I am even prouder to announce that my good friend Cassie (founder of the Walk To Remember Los Angles) has so graciously volunteered to be the group leader of the Los Angeles Face2Face group. I cant tell you how much I admire Cassie. And she never ceases to amaze me with all that she has and continues to accomplish... all because of a beautiful baby girl named Sophia.


Next up, I wanted to share about Duke Center For Human Genetics. If you have taken a look at my "About Anencephaly" tab, you will have noticed I have a few links leading to this organization. They are conducting research on the causes of NTDs (Neural Tube Defects) and are working towards hopefully finding a cure or treatment one day. Shortly after Genesis died, both my ex husband and I were fortunate enough to be able to participate by having someone come by the house to collect blood samples and to do a quick spine inspection. The whole thing took about 5 minutes. My rainbows were supposed to give blood as well but sadly they have no funding now and have no way to collect samples. Please, if you would like to make a donation to a very worthy cause that I hold dear to my heart please, please, please... consider giving to this research. You may be helping save a life one day. To donate please visit this page. It would mean SO very much to me if you were able to make a donation in Genesis' memory towards the research of Anencephaly. 


And last but not least, I have added many more photos to Genesis' Gallery. So head on over and check out the beautiful new pictures. Thank you to all my friends that have made these pictures for me. It never ceases to brighten my day when I see her name. And the fact that you all remember me and my sweet dragonfly princess touches my heart so. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and support means the world to me.

Crap

So that new chain I got for my necklace that broke.... I'm allergic to it. :( booo. Time to find another...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Flashbacks and things

Occasionally I will have flashbacks of things that happened either in my pregnancy with Genesis or shortly after she died. Today's flashback was about something that was said to me after she died. An old coworker who was aware about what happened to Genesis told me this after I found out my first rainbow was a boy:


"Having a boy first is so much better. That way he can be the protective big brother."


While Im sure she meant well by this, I found it (and still find it) incredibly hurtful. Having a {_insert_gender_here_} is not better than having the other gender. That baby is wanted and loved no matter what is between its legs. A baby is a baby is a baby is a baby. Period. Wanted beyond measure. Genesis would have been an awesome big sister. And I am sure she would have been just as protective of her little siblings as a big brother would be. What her statement was inadvertently saying was, "Im disregarding the fact that this isnt your first child...your dead child doesnt count...and she wouldn't have been a good big sister anyway..." Please, please, please... people! Don't say things like this. Just don't. You really think it's helping? I mean come on. This was said to me in 2007 and it has stuck with me all these years. {as I am sure all the insensitive comments that were said to you have stuck with you too} Just if I can come up with a few golden rule for BLMs its 1. The only safe thing to say about the baby that has passed is "Im so sorry for your loss." Thats it, no more than that. And 2. If they have a rainbow or are expecting one, realize that this baby doesnt replace the one that was lost. They have 2 children now. Acknowledge that.


This old coworker has gone on to have a daughter of her own now... I wonder if she feels the same way...

But since Im talking about things people say and babies being wanted let me bring up another thing that bugs me. Im sure you have heard this conversation before:



Relative/friend/stranger: "Do you want it to be a boy or a girl?"
prego: "It doesnt matter.... as long as it's healthy."


Ok so I know what the mama means by saying this.... she is actually saying "we dont care what gender the baby is...we only hope that it's healthy." And I agree 100% with this statement. Who wouldn't want a healthy baby. But I dont like they are saying "..as long as it's healthy..." Phrasing it like that sounds like you dont want a baby that isn't healthy. I know many babies are born with health problems do to many different reasons and those babies are all loved and wanted beyond measure. I would have loved to take Genesis home even if she were sickly, had limbs missing, was blind or deaf or all of the above. Sick or not I would have loved to have her in my life but I didnt get that option. I know many BLMs that feel the same way as I do... saying who cares if its team blue or team pink. We are just rooting for team alive. Sigh... ok thats it for my rant today.
Oh and I totally forgot... So I hear John Travolta had another little boy. When being interviewed about it he mentioned having 3 kids *tears* he remembered Jet (as I expected) and wasn't afraid to count him. That poor BLD.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

It finally happened

So you know the necklace I got after Genesis died to remind me I was still a mother? This one:






Well something I knew would eventually happen, happened today. Each one of my rainbows loves pulling on it. (you know where this is going...) and today was the day that D pulled on it a little too hard and this happened:






It finally snapped. It broke in a place that can't be fixed. It was a little sad. I got this as an anniversary gift just 2 months after Genesis died. Even though it was an anniversary gift from my husband while we were still married, I don't associate the necklace with him at all. After all, I picked it out and eventually paid for it when the bill came in.


But as soon as I heard the snap and felt it fall off my neck, I was taken back to that moment in time where I was married, had a loving husband (or so I thought) and my grief for Genesis was so very raw. The moment I got it was pretty emotional. We were ttc for a rainbow and I was about to find out if I was pregnant or not. I thought it would be fantastic to find out on our anniversary. Instead I got af. I was so devastated.


But at any rate, I found another chain to put the ring on.




It's almost as good as new. I say almost because it's not the same chain. And that chain was part of my story. But as life happens, the story continues and evolves. So now this chain is part of my story.

Friday, January 14, 2011

A little something special

Today while I was out and about with the kids I saw something that caught my eye. It even caught my mom's eye without me even showing her. This is what I'm talking about:



That tree looks like a heart. It's so perfect and just made my day. I've been to this place, where I saw this, many times before but had never noticed it before. I'm gonna go ahead and call this a wink. I think someone wanted me to see it and think of Genesis. Well, it worked.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A wink & a painting

I was driving on the freeway with my family and my sister suddenly says, "Look! Genesis!" I was like what are you talking about. The big rig next to us said Genesis on the side of the truck. I was able to turn just in time to see it slip behind me in traffic. I tried to get my sister to take a picture of it by slowing way down and even missing my exit, but there was so much traffic we couldn't even spot it anymore. I'm a little bummed I couldn't get a picture but so happy for a wink today. And even happier that my sister pointed it out to me because she knows how much it means to me.


Also yesterday I felt inspired to paint a little something. And I know I am no artist but here it is nonetheless:



It's a painting that depicts the moment I held Genesis. The blues surrounding us signify the deep pain and sorrow I was feeling. Then they fade into cool greens and finally a radiant yellow. The fading signifies that my pain and grief has evolved over time. And the yellow depicts the radiant glow and beautiful legacy she left behind. The color spreads all around me because Genesis now surrounds me everyday of life. She is never far from my thoughts. You can see her still and perfect little heart through her pink little body.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

July 28th

One of my friends called me up to tell me that she was pregnant. And that July 28th is her due date. Remember that July 29th was Genesis? Yup so it immediately jumped out at me and I even told her that. It didnt hurt so much as it did just remind me of Genesis. I think its because this friend has been with me through everything... from when my husband left, to Genesis dying, to each of my pregnancies after that. 


Its kind of weird really. I was 4 months pregnant with Genesis when she told me she was expecting her first. A month later Genesis died. Then I got pregnant with D and we were pregnant together once again. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl which was the first baby girl I had held after Genesis died. I cried so hard when I held her. Then I went on to have D 5 months later. Then I got prego with G and she was with me through that pregnancy and even came to visit her after she was born. Now she is pregnant with her second and due almost the exact same day I was pregnant with Genesis. It seems to just have come full circle. At least thats kind of how I see it. Anyway, I am really happy for her and hope that everything goes smoothly for her. 

Quotes

Ok so here are a few quotes and sentences I have come up with to put on Genesis stone and Id like to see what others like.{I have yet to know how many characters will fit so some may be too long. And also Im not necessarily going to go with the majority vote but I thought it would be nice to see what others thought}


1. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."


2. "So little, yet so loved."


3. "We loved you all of your life, and will continue doing so for the rest of ours."


4. "Goodnight, sweet princess, and flights of Angeles sing thee to thy rest."


5. "Until we meet again."


6. "A life so brief, a child so small, you had the power to touch us all."


7. "We will always love you, for forever and a day, you were the meaning in our life and precious you will stay."


8. "Daughter, sister, granddaughter & niece. You are so much to so many."


9. "Mommy's dragonfly princess, until we meet again."
10. "See you in the new system my sweet baby."

He gets it

I had blogged about how much D understands about Genesis. And previously I discovered he knew more than I thought. Well he surprised me once again last night.


I was reading him his book of bible stories and telling him about the paradise earth and how he will see Genesis, his big sister, there one day. And I asked him, "do you remember Genesis and what I told you?" and he replied, "Genesis died." It brought tears to my eyes. He is listening and remembering when I tell him about her. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I hate this

I hate that I know what its like to have my child die. I hate that I know what its like to hold my child's lifeless, tiny, cold body in my arms. I hate that I know what its like to never see one of my children ever again. I still cant believe that this is my life. I pinch myself trying to wake up from this apocalyptic nightmare only to be reminded yet again that this is my real life. This really did happen. I am really living life without one of my children. 


But yes. Because one of my children died I was at a city council meeting tonight to see if they would approve the application to get Genesis' name in the Healing & Memorial Garden at my childhood park. I hate that I even have to do this. I should be pushing her on the swings there and building sand castles with her and watching her run through the flowers. Nope. I went to see if I can get her name on a rock...its the only way that she will ever be at that park in any way. 


As I drove to the meeting, I had a knot in my stomach. I just knew what was coming. I mentioned it in my last post and though I looked forward to hopefully having this approved for Genesis, I did not look forward to making a fool of myself, crying in front of complete strangers. I absolutely hate it when others see me cry. I just look horrid and I feel so judged. 


I arrived early and watched as they set up and got ready for the meeting. I was getting nervous as the lady who I had been in contact with about the application had not arrived yet. They handed me this agenda:


The highlighted is Genesis' application
I saw the application review on the agenda and it instantly made me hold my breath. I knew the flood of tears was coming so I just kept calm and reminded myself to breath and I just tried distracting myself. Finally the lady showed up. She had a kind face and I instantly felt a warm connection with her. Though we didnt say much since the meeting had already begun. When they called her to go up to the mic she read off what I had written in the application and who the request was for. As soon as I heard her name, Genesis Magali Lopez, my eyes filled with tears. The more she read from my application the more the tears fell. After she finished speaking she asked if I wanted to approach the mic and say anything. At first I declined saying I was an emotional mess and I didnt want to make a fool of myself {and yes I said this also in front of the other 6 city council members as well}. But one of the ladies of the board said she really wanted to hear from me. So with tears streaming down my face I got up and spoke into the mic, crying to all 6 of them. While I was speaking the lovely lady who was in contact with me had her hand on my shoulders offering me support. I said what I had to say and I sat back down. 

When the lady and I left I told her that I just knew I was going to be an emotional mess. She told me that she has been before this same committee several times and many of those times she was standing before them crying as well. She really brought me comfort. She told me she founded the garden because her daughter died in 2006. I think she said she was either 13 or 14. She didnt go into detail as to what happened... though I am going to ask her to share her story if she wishes and I will pass it on if she chooses to share. 

On my way home I looked like this:
I know its a crappy picture but know that I was bawling my eyes out. I cried the whole way home. I cried because this was what I have to do for my daughter. I shouldnt have to be out doing this. I should have been at home bathing 3 kids and getting them ready for story time and then bed. But no. Instead I have to fight for ways to remember Genesis. 

So having said all that...Id like to thank all of you who prayed for me and sent good vibes for this evening. Thank you to all of you that thought of Genesis and I today. I appreciate every single one of you. Your love means so very much to me, so thank you. Im very happy to announced that Genesis' application was APPROVED!I cant tell you how delighted I am. Im not exactly sure how long the process takes but it will definitely be done in time for Genesis' 4th Angelversary. You better believe that I will be posting updates on what is going on with this and of course when it is done and in that beautiful garden. 


They are not accepting names with dates as its too much like a cemetery that way. Instead they are taking names and a one line sentence or quote to put beneath the name. I have to think about what I want said. If you have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment sharing them with me.

Today is the day

I have already mentioned that today is the day of the parks and recreation meeting to go over Genesis' application. What was a complete surprise was that I received an email today letting me know what time the meeting was at and at the bottom the lady ended it with "see you there." I had no idea I was expected to show up. The thought of that makes me want to puke from nerves.

I called her to get clarification and though being there isn't mandatory, it may work in my favor. Like I said, the thought of standing before a group of strangers and probably bawling my eyes out about my dead daughter has me really anxious and nervous to the point of wanting to throw up. (can I add that I'm sick on top of that and I really don't feel well) Having said all that, I am still going to this meeting because it's that important to me. The things we do for our kids huh? Well the up side is that we are up first on the agenda so it should be quick and I'll get it over with first. I'll update once I know something.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

She gave me the "Ok"

I've mentioned here and on my facebook page that I am a doula. I had stopped taking on new clients when I found out I was pregnant with G. I had some slight spotting in the beginning of my pregnancy with her and though I know its sometimes normal to have this happen, any amount of blood...{even microscopic amounts} terrify me to the bone. At my first ultrasound appointment with G, the doctor told me I had a subdural hematoma, or pocket of blood, behind the placenta. She was pretty sure this is why I saw some spotting. At this point in the pregnancy the bleed was bigger than the baby. My doctor wasnt sure what caused it but more than likely it was an implantation "injury" according to her. So I decided not to risk it and to stop supporting as a doula for the remainder of my pregnancy.


Even after G was born I still questioned when I would go back to taking new clients. I was in the baby bonding period for many months, and still am, and the time still didnt feel right to go back. Well a couple of days ago I had someone inquire on my services. I had had many inquiries during my pregnancy and even after G's birth but this inquiry caught my eye. Not really sure why but I decided to go ahead and respond and potentially take on a new client. This potential client and I, spoke on the phone and I felt very comfortable talking to her. It felt as though I was speaking to an old friend rather than a client. So our conversation was nice. To add to the good feeling of 'meeting' this client, she literally only lives a few blocks from me. How very convenient! In terms of being a doula and being on call to her 24/7 when she is term until the baby is born, it doesnt get much better than that. It seems almost like it was meant to be. But then came the question I tend to hold my breath on {its the BLM in me}. "When are you due?" (remember this post? Part of me fears that my client will answer either March or July... which is fine and I can totally support them in those months... it just stings when I hear that its Genesis' months) She replied that she was due in... wouldn't you know it... March. It wasn't Genesis' date thank goodness. It was late in the month. But it definitely tugged on my heart and made me think that maybe I wasnt ready to go back to doing my doula. We set up a consultation for next week anyway, that way I had time to think about it. When I asked for her address the number was 316. 316! Do you see what that is? Genesis was born on 3/16/07! I think this was a wink from her. I think she is telling me that it's the right time to go back to my doula work. These coincidences... location, due month and address just jumped out at me. She is set to deliver at a hospital I have already supported at so I am familiar with the facility. But she was thinking about switching and I told her all about how much I loved my OB and the hospital I delivered all my children at. So there is a possibility that she may deliver at the same hospital Genesis was born at! Wow. This is just amazing to me and very healing in a way. Anyway, I thought I would share these amazing things.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Getting Nervous

Remember that healing and memorial garden I blogged about here, here and here? Well the parks and recreation meeting is going to meet on monday to review my application for Genesis' name to be added. Im really, really nervous about this. 


My dad has a friend that is heavily involved with the city and told him about how I wanted to add Genesis name and how "they" are going to review the application on monday. We thought it couldn't hurt to get my dad's friend on our side to have an even better chance of adding Genesis' name to the garden. He is a really busy guy so he asked if I could type up everything... about myself and how Im connected to the city, about my family, about my daughter and a little about her. I of course typed it up but doing so just left me in tears. Im on my way to fax this right now. I could use all the prayers please to make sure that this application is approved on Monday. I know many if not all the previous comments said that you dont see why her application wouldn't  be approved... all I can say is its my BLM thinking that is doubting it. That doubts everything. You know when the doctor tells you that there is a 0.001% something is wrong, I am more inclined to believe that that 0.001% is a real threat. That that is more likely to happen than to have a healthy child only because I have been the minority before. I have lost faith in odds and faith in a lot of things. So the fact that she will probably be approved but not for certain is a real risk to me that she will be denied. But please pray that this goes through. Thank you my friends.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The innocence is forever gone

Today G is sick. She woke up with a fever. As the day progressed, she got hotter and hotter and lethargic and wouldn't eat. And for those of you who know G, you know she loves to eat. So you know something is up. She has been sleeping a lot today and was very clingy and wanted me near her the whole day. I gave her a bath and it seemed to being down the fever. But a few hours later it was back and higher than before. I finally took her temperature under her arm. It was 102.6. And since under the arm isn't that accurate I'm sure it was probably just over 103. None of my kids ever had a fever that high. Of course the worry really started to kick in. I gave her a little Tylenol which she almost instantly threw up. (I think it was because she didn't like the taste) I then just started to wipe her down with a damp cloth to cool her off. It seemed to be working.


And in the meantime what do you do when your worried and don't know what to do? You call mom. So I called my mom who recommended doing everything i had already done. In the back of my mind I was scared it was something bad. Really bad. Like you can die from it bad. (though I know it's probably nothing more than a cold) I asked her, "do you think it's meningitis?" she had almost all the symptoms I found online. My mom quickly replies, "why do you instantly think the worst?" my reply is because I have been through the worst. My child died and now the reality that my children are mortal and can and will eventually die is in the back of my mind always. I no longer have the feeling of being invincible or that I won't see my kids die because kids die after their parents. No, I witnessed my daughter die and I know that it's possible for it to happen again due to unforeseen event and circumstances. Unfortunately it happens. It has happened. To me.


My reply seemed to kind of surprise my mom but she had nothing to say afterwards because she knew what I said was true. I'm just over protective and scared something will happen to my kids. My mind even goes as far as envisioning these terrible things and thoughts like this may be the last kiss I give my child. Or this may be the last photo I take of them. I hate that I think like that now. But I can't change it.


But I thought I should mention I finally got her to take tylenol and her fever came down. She is feeling better. Not 100% yet but better.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Whats wrong with me

Genesis was due 7/29/2007. Instead she was born 3/16/2007. Both July and March hold special spots in my heart. But March is the big one for me.


Im gonna make a confession. Every time I hear that someone (non BLM) is due in either of those months it really upsets/ hurts me. Especially March. I am not really sure why. And it doesn't matter if I know this person or if it's a stranger. (Though if I know this person and I have to see their march baby grow up it is a bit of a trigger still)


They have as much control about when they are due than I had about Genesis having Anencephaly. Ok maybe they have a little more control with ttc timing but you get what I'm saying. I know I shouldn't let that bother me. My mind is telling me that's unreasonable. But my heart is saying that that month belongs to Genesis. Don't take it away.


Isn't that crazy? I don't even know how to get past this. Or even if there is an overcoming this. To me those will always be her months. I can't be the only one that has these feelings right? At least so far no one has "taken 3/16 or 7/29". All the babies that were due were born on different days. If one should be born on her days I think I would cry. Is that crazy?
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