Friday, December 9, 2011

The void

This is going to be a mixed post. Mixed between loss and being a single mama.

I recently came across this article regarding co-sleeping. I know that its a controversial topic this day and age and that is not what I want to get into. Since I bring up the subject I will say that I do co-sleep with my children and Im not looking for opposition or support of my decision. Just stating that I do and its what works for us. Anyway, so the reason Im blogging about this article is not so much because of the subject... more because of the photos.

This is one of many photos in the article:
A picture of a father co-sleeping. This photo invokes SO many emotions for me. Let me step back first. My own father was hardly involved in my life. I feel like I still don't know him. We hardly have what I even would consider a relationship. And its not that we don't get along, its just that he is distant and never bonded and I never felt loved by him. I felt as though I was raised by a single mother. I don't know this kind of paternal closeness. It sort of fascinates me from the daughter standpoint.

It also captures me as my own children have never had this. They have never had a father or male influence in their lives. No man to serve as a protector or role model. No man to snuggle up next to, to call daddy. This is even more foreign to me from a single parent aspect. I long for this for my kids one day. I wonder if they will ever have it. I think its a beautiful thing. My heart aches for this.

Then as I read through the article I saw photos like this:
Photos of siblings co-sleeping. Wow... I can't tell you what a stab in the heart this was. Yes again, I think its a beautiful thing and yes my rainbows do sleep next to each other like this but it makes me think that I should have 3 children laying on top of each other in their peaceful slumber. How I long to see that sight even just once. 

Isn't it funny how really anything can be a trigger? sigh...


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