I had read an article recently, this one actually, and it really made me stop and think. I think it was written wonderfully and made me think about things I had not even considered.
Genesis didn't really have a funeral. We simply went to go see her at the mortuary 2 days after she was born. It was me, my then husband, my brother and sister and parents. It was more of a viewing more than anything. It was the first time, and last time, I would lay eyes on my daughter. I lost all sense of time and couldn't tell you how long we were there. Probably no more than 20-30 minutes if I had to guess. Aside from just crying, holding her and gazing at her beauty I actually did two things.
The first thing I was adamant on doing was having a family prayer with my then husband and her. Just the three of us. A complete family, together for that moment in time. We prayed to Jehovah thanking him for the blessing of being able to be her parents, no matter how short a time, and asked him to remember her name in the Book of Life so that she may be resurrected in the new system where we would be a whole family once again. The second thing I did was bring a bracelet for her.
While pregnant with her I just knew that I was having a girl and so I went out and bought a mother daughter charm bracelet set. I made sure to wear mine to the mortuary and I brought hers along with me. I talked to her and showed it to her. She was obviously so tiny this was probably close to the length of her little body. I laid it across her tiny body, almost like a belt and for that moment we were both wearing our matching bracelets. I told her that I would pass on this bracelet to her future sister... and I keep true to that promise.
That was the gist of our viewing and saying goodbye. There was no service, nothing formally said. No friends were there, and family from afar did not come to say goodbye. No church members... no nothing.
This article got me thinking that I think I may like to have a funeral for her. I think it may bring me closure or more peace. I would love to have an event dedicated to just her. Something where her life and existence are acknowledged. Where I can share the love I still have for her and to remind people that though nearly 5 years have passed she is still missed and thought of every single day. Id like to have friends and family come and have a special part in celebrating her short but beautiful life.
But then it gets me thinking... I don't even know where I would have something like this. I doubt the church will hold a memorial service for her. I thought about it some more and thought perhaps the memorial garden where her name is engraved might be a good place... though I would wonder what the general public would think of a funeral service being held there... yes I worry too much about what people think...Im working on it. Then I think some more and wonder who would come. Again, I would be hurt if no one came. Just another reminder that no one cares. And when I do things like this to remember Genesis it gives my family yet another opportunity to hurt me by doing or saying something that shows me that Genesis has been forgotten to them and that to them she didn't count. Me thinking too much about things is another thing I am working on. But in the meantime they remain real issues for me.
Did you have a funeral for your child? Are you glad you did it? How did family and friends react? How do you feel now about it?