Monday, December 12, 2011

Doing it alone

If you recall my story, initially I was not a single mom by choice. I was forced into that when my then husband left me while pregnant. I took on that role because I had to. There was no other option. 

That role grew on me and as the time went on I became confident even comfortable in that role. 

Then that feeling came over me. A feeling that many BLMs can relate to. Yes I had a rainbow that I was SO very thankful for. He literally saved my life. But I still did not have a living daughter. I wondered if I would ever have a living daughter. And though I had had "children" I was only approved my society to say I had "a child". Oh how I longed to be able to say I had children and not be looked at like I sprouted a second head. The more the time went on the more and more my heart ached for another. I had baby fever BAD. 

I got to a good place (financially, emotionally...etc...) and then I decided I was going to get pregnant on my own. As mentioned in my story, my ex husband who was still technically my husband was the donor and I did artificial insemination to get pregnant with my second rainbow. Going into it I told myself that it was not with the goal of having a girl. It was just to have a healthy living baby. I even told myself that it was going to be a boy and I became so attached to the idea of a second son that I was slightly let down to find out I was in fact having another daughter. (Of course I got over that quite quickly and was over the moon about the fact that I was given another chance to mother a baby girl and do all the mother daughter things I had longed for before)

Well its coming up on 2 years since this wonderful little rainbow girl was born (wow can you believe that?) and since then life has given us a few unexpected twists and turns as life typically does. And so Ive found myself in a bit of a tough spot financially. In the recent weeks I have had a few conversations with my mom about my struggles and whatnot and Im not quite sure why I keep talking to her and forgiving her. The way all our conversations end up going is like this:

my mom: I told you not to get pregnant again... I told you not to have two kids
me: you mean three
my mom: ugh... there you go again bringing her up....this isn't about her...
me: My decision to have another child had a lot to do with her
my mom: Life would have been so much easier if you didn't have G
me: Really mom? really? did you just say that AGAIN? Ive told you before that saying those comments really hurt my feelings. You don't have to understand or agree with the fact that I decided to have her on my own. But the bottom line is she IS here. Im not going to give away my daughter, or put her up for adoption or do something horrific just to get out of being her mother because "life is hard". You want to know what's hard? Having to plan your child's funeral. Living the rest of your life never having a living daughter. That was too much for me and I choose the path that would be better for me. I could deal with any difficulties life had to give me if I had my living children with me. I could not deal with never having a daughter to raise.
my mom: Why does everything have to be about Genesis. Genesis, Genesis, Genesis. Get over it. Im sick and tired of Genesis.

Yep. This is what I have to hear over and over and over again. Not only do they never remember Genesis, then insult me about remembering her myself. And now it's gotten to the point where my own mother is telling me that life would be better without one of my living children. What is the world coming to?

On another occasion where we the conversation took the same turn we exchanged these words:

my mom: Life would be so much easier if you didn't have G
me: really?.... so is my life so much easier because Genesis died? Is it easier that I only have 2 instead of three? Is that what you wish for G?
my mom: Im not saying that...
me: well yes mom, you actually are. And I don't appreciate it.
my mom: There you go again with Genesis...

I can't win. I just can't live like this anymore. I CANT. 

I won't.

I have put up with it for far too long. 


Melissa said...

Wow. I don't know what I would do if my mom said things like that. I actually didn't know your full story about how you became a single parent even from reading your previous posts, thanks for sharing. I totally understand your feelings about the boy vs girl thing though. We should be able to find out in a month or so what the sex of our baby is and we've always been surprised before. I feel like I am trying to convince myself that it's a boy just like you did, maybe it's a coping mechanism to not be let down if it's not. I, of course, would be so happy with either and just want them to get here healthy and alive, especially since we've lost a boy and a girl now but part of me wonders if I'll ever get the chance to parent a girl on earth.

Jessica said...

Wow that is SO awful :*( I am so sorry that your mother is like that about Genesis and that she is awful about G too :( (((hugs)))

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