Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 15th~ Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

I wanted to write this post yesterday but just couldnt bring myself to do it. I was emotionally exhausted and the words did not come to me. I had to sleep on it and let it sink in before I could find the words and heart to post.

So yesterday was October 15th, a date that all BLMs know all too well. We sort of look forward to it as a day that our children will be remembered and recognized but on the other hand {I can only speak for myself} you sort of dread it because of how emotionally difficult you know its going to be. Even the speaker, Sharon, at the walk had us pat ourselves on the back for coming out to the walk because its not easy. 

I kept it together pretty well this year... I wasnt as big of a mess as I was last year. Although when they started reading the babies names that sort of made my throat tighten up. Then they read her name. Genesis Magali Lopez. It gets me every time. Hearing her name read out loud, acknowledging my daughter and that she did exist. Hearing her name echo through the park and fall upon the listening ears of so many made the waterworks start. Thank goodness for sunglasses. I went up to the stage and got my rose. I was able to sit back down and compose myself again. Just as I sat down and looked back at the stage a dragonfly flew by. It brought a smile through the tears. Then came the moment of silence where they play Somewhere Over The Rainbow. That song always gets to me too. Although this year I was not able to listen to it. I actually got a rather important phone call just as the music was starting and I had to take the call. 

The walk was nice. I finally found Genesis name near the end of the first lap. We got some amazing photos. Its such a shame that the only way I can have all 3 of my kids in a photo is to have the rainbows take a pic with a poster...sigh. 

Later on when I posted about the walk on facebook my brother posted this:

"Its crazy I had a dream of what she'd be like and that I miss her ♥"

Though this isnt a huge statement, especially coming from a 20 year old, the fact that he mentioned her, and even had a dream about her meant the world to me. He never mentions her, so to me this was huge and made me smile.

I did the walk with Mason & Madison's mom Karen. I cant tell you how much I appreciate all that Karen has done for me. She has been there for me through my grief as a BLM, remembering Genesis and even just as a friend through personal struggles. She is one of the most amazing women I have had the privilege of meeting. And such an honor to call her my friend. 

I was able to write my sweet girl a message on the message board. Its always hard to find new ways to say the same thing... I miss you. I remember you. I think of you often. And you are forever loved. I always wonder what D & G will write one day. D actually started to draw a picture on the board for her but I had to stop him as his scribbles may not be as appreciated by others.

One unexpected thing did happen though. I had the sweetest BLM approach me. Her name is Jolene. This sweet mama approached me by name. I was a little surprised as she didnt seem familiar to me. She explained that she reads this blog and that is how she knows me from. She then went on to tell me what an inspiration my story is. I was a bit taken aback by this... I was so very humbled. I was still in an emotional fog and wrestling two cranky and tired rainbows so I dont really recall what I said but I know that she will read this post so Jolene this is for you:

I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you read this blog and through it you have come to know me, Genesis and the rainbows. It really is an honor. And while I dont think my story is anything special I am so glad you found inspiration and strength in it. I was actually contemplating shutting down the blogs as I am not keeping up with them as much as I would like. But you meeting me and telling me this reminded me that if it even helps one person in the least it was all worth it. And for that I thank you. I look forward to seeing you at future walks and hearing more about your precious son Nathan. <3

To any other readers that I may meet one day in person: Im sorry if I dont recognize your blog right away. I am following SO many BLM blogs and Im sorry but I am a terrible at reading all posts. With the demands of a single mom and full time work I have very little time to myself to just do what I would like. Please know that I am always happy to meet fellow BLMs and especially those that have come to know me and my kids through my blog. Feel free to introduce yourself and I would very much like to be there for you.

And with that Ill leave you with a few more pictures from the walk. Once again if you check out my facebook photos there are more. And again, feel free to add me on facebook. 


Jolene said...

Tiffany, you've brought me to tears, but I also have a smile on my face. I've been trying to remember how I even came across your blog a couple months ago, but I can't remember. But somehow, I don't think it was a coincidence. I remember when I first started reading, I thought....4 years. It's been 4 years for her. She seems so strong. She kept going. I wonder where I'll be in 4 years, but if she could do it, then I could too. . .

I didn't even know where you lived until I started reading some of your older posts and I saw Genesis' stone at the Memorial Garden and I found out where it was, and then I realized how close you are to me!!

I even saw your post about the Walk to Remember 2010, so when I decided to go this year, I told myself that if I saw you there, I'd want to say hi. I'm actually a pretty shy person. I'd probably never ever just go up to someone and introduce myself, but my own angel Nathan has taught me that we shouldn't let moments pass us by. So I'm glad I was able to actually meet you. Thank you for inspiring me with your strength. ♥

Jolene said...

p.s. I saw the dragonfly too! What a special moment that was.

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