Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

I am angry over a few things. First that I was put on Topamx for migraines in early 2006. Little did I know that this was also used as an anti-seizure medication. As I have blogged about before, anti-seizure medication has a known link to birth defects like Anencephaly. And though I was not on the medication while I was ttc or pregnant, I cant help but feel there was a link somehow. I am angered that I was not told of the side effects or that this was also used as an anti-seizure medication. As a matter of fact the doctor didn't even give me a prescription for it. He just kept giving me the sample bottles he had in his office, so there was no paper to go along with it to read all the side effects. 

I'm angry that I did everything right... I waited till I got married to have sex. I married a "good guy" {or so I thought}, I went to an OB prior to ttc to get checked out. I took excellent care of myself before and during the pregnancy and I still was not able to grow a healthy baby. Teenagers can get pregnant behind the bleachers at their football game and have healthy babies, yet I could not. I felt like such a failure.

I'm also angry over the fact that she was not given a certificate of stillbirth even though she was stillborn. The certificate I got was for a "fetus". I am thankful that she got some sort of documentation but I wish that it were the appropriate certificate.

I'm angry over the fact that I am the only one that ever remembers her. Remembers that she was the first grandchild. Remembers how important she was and is and how much she is still loved.

And lastly I suppose I am angry that I have been cheated of knowing Genesis. Seeing her grow up. Loving her... I do love her still but the love and bond of a child you can hold in your arms is different. I'm angry I don't have that. Ive missed out on everything.


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