Monday, August 1, 2011

Have I come to peace with Genesis' passing

I was talking with Cassie this weekend and she asked me this question. I will ask you exactly what I asked her. What does that really mean? Do I know that she died and she isn't coming back? Yes. Do I know I didn't cause this condition? Yes. Do I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it? Yes. Do I realize I will be living the rest of my life without one of my children? You betcha. But does this all really mean I have come to peace with her passing? I don't think so. And that may be where my problem is. Especially since I don't really know what coming to peace means. I know I cant change anything. I can't change the past. I cant bring her back. 

But if coming to peace means forgetting, or not talking about her then I don't want to come to peace with that. I just don't know how to speak of her in a group setting like at the face2face dinner and not cry when I speak her name. I sometimes cry even when its speaking to just one person. It all depends on so much. How I'm already feeling that day, who it is that I'm talking to and where. When I was the only one that cried at the meet up it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I really should be getting help for my grief.

Cassie asked me some really good questions that I had not really considered before and I thank her dearly for it. Sometimes we cannot see what is right in front of us and we need that extra set of eyes to bring things to our attention. I don't get to talk about Genesis out loud the majority of the time. If I start to bring her up I get shot down by my family. Or I get weird looks from people like why the heck am I talking about a dead child. So a lot of the time I keep her thoughts to myself. I type them out on facebook and here on her blog. Typing it out has helped me tremendously but I don't think it is all that I need. I'm missing the other half. Speaking of her in real life, face to face, out loud to someone. Someone like a counselor or therapist or something. Problem is I don't have health insurance and I surly do not have the money to pay out of pocket. Then comes the time factor. I have so little time to do anything it's a wonder I find a moment each day to take a shower and keep the house clean.

Perhaps if I ever did come across the money to do this I could sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom and see if she could take care of the rainbows for me while I go to my sessions to get counseling. I think that may work. But only time will tell if I ever get the money to do that. So for now I guess this is it. 

But for those of you that see a therapist or go to a counselor what are your thoughts? What do you do in a session? Is it the same each time? I can already see myself being a crying mess at each session and wondering if it's worth putting myself through that. How soon did you see an improvement? Did you see an improvement? What constitutes as an improvement? Not crying anymore? I'm not even sure what my expectations are on this. I feel my heart will always cry for her and sometimes those tears make it to the outside with visible tears. I also consider myself an emotional person so maybe I just cant help it. I don't know. As you can see I have so many random thoughts about this. I don't know what to think or where to start. 

One thing I do know for sure though is that I don't feel consumed by her. She is on my mind always, yes. She is remembered in my home and I speak of her freely with the rainbows and that feels great. It feels healing and it feels normal and right. It in no way feels like an unhealthy balance or way of remembering her. Not to me anyway. And though I am involved with babyloss a lot... with Walk To Remember LA, Names On The Sidewalk, Written From The Heart, blogging, my BLM friends on facebook.... I don't feel that sadness and depression consume me. In fact I don't really consider myself a sad or depressed person. I generally am pretty happy. I can miss her and still be happy. And that feels good to me. But if this is the case why do I cry still... ugh. Back to square one.


Tiffany said...

I have therapy and I talk about alyssa and I have not come to :peace: with her dying. Have I accepted its my reality? Sometimes, then I stumble across a pic in my IPHOTOS and I am a mess again. I know a BLM whose first son died 34+ yrs ago...she still cries for him and counts down to heaven and had 2 rainbows after. Its a sad life to live without one of your babies.

The Zoo said...

I have no idea what it means to "be at peace" regarding Alexander's passing. Even if I did, I'm not sure that I will ever get there or if I would want to.

Because of Alexander's passing, the hospital offered us one year of free counselling. My husband and I both found it really useful.

It helped me come to terms with some of the issues that I had surrounding his death (not getting the right pictures, what if's...).

As for what we did in sessions, I usually cried some (she handed me tissues), she let me talk, if I didn't know what to say, she prompted me from previous visits, asked me questions, helped me sort out what I was feeling (based on what I'd said). Sometimes I didn't know what I was feeling and she helped to translate what I'd said into language I could understand (does that make sense?). I noticed a significant difference after the first session (one hour).

Sometimes we'd have multiple sessions about the same thing. I'd feel like I was wasting time and money. But in the end, I always came out of the sessions feeling refreshed. Studies suggest that crying releases stress and toxins so I at least had that.

I think that what constitutes improvement is something that is unique to you. Kind of like the entire grief journey. Do you want to cry less? If so, is that because you think that's what society wants of you or because that's what you want? These are all things that you can talk to with your therapist about.

The great thing about seeing a professional therapist was that she is an unbiased participant. At the end of the day, what I did with my life did not impact her life (she got paid the same amount whether she had me as a client or not). I recommend therapy to anyone and everyone whether you've had a significant loss or not.

Are there any social programs in your area that offer counselling? Perhaps your doctor/friends know of some? I recommend that you find someone that is a good fit for you. Sometimes it's hard when they're "free" but it you're paying, keep looking until you find "the one". You don't want a quack causing harm.

As for your previous post, I'm so sorry that Genesis is not honored as you'd like. It really hurts when it's those closest to us that we trust the most.

I too am adopted.

Hope that helped. Let me know if you have any specific questions, I don't mind answering them.

Tiffany said...

Thank you so much for your feedback hun. You ask some great questions. I think the issue Ive sort of been mentioning a lot is crying in public over Genesis. I think I want this because thats what society expects from me and since Im not giving them that it makes me feel awkward and I dont like that feeling but its because of society that I feel that way. Im not familiar with any programs locally. I am aware of a few group sessions that are not that close but their hours dont work for me with my schedule and plus idk if there is a cost. I need to do more research on this I think.

Crystal Theresa said...

I feel the same way about "letting go" "moving on" -- it feels like people mean "forgetting" and i don't ever want to do that. i think maybe finding peace with it means knowing you can still be happy?

I tried seeing a social worker at my hospital, and she told me that my baby "wasn't even a baby yet" and told Louie to call a bunch of psychiatrists to seem me because when she asked if I thought about death, I said, "Yes," even though I said I don't want to kill myself.

I joined a bereaved parents support group (free) at my hospital and that was much better. We did some meditations, wrote in journals, did yoga a couple times, had different projects, and talked. Sometimes about the same thing. There was crying. We always started each session by lighting a candle for our babies and ended by blowing them out. Our therapists emphasized that there is no timeline, that we should honor our feelings, and stuff like that. The best thing was that there was no judgement. And one of them actually spoke to the first social worker for me, which I am so grateful for.

I think there are other groups -- like M.E.N.D. , S.H.A.R.E., H.A.N.D. (not sure of the complete names) that have local and free support group meetings.

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