I was talking with Cassie this weekend and she asked me this question. I will ask you exactly what I asked her. What does that really mean? Do I know that she died and she isn't coming back? Yes. Do I know I didn't cause this condition? Yes. Do I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it? Yes. Do I realize I will be living the rest of my life without one of my children? You betcha. But does this all really mean I have come to peace with her passing? I don't think so. And that may be where my problem is. Especially since I don't really know what coming to peace means. I know I cant change anything. I can't change the past. I cant bring her back.
But if coming to peace means forgetting, or not talking about her then I don't want to come to peace with that. I just don't know how to speak of her in a group setting like at the face2face dinner and not cry when I speak her name. I sometimes cry even when its speaking to just one person. It all depends on so much. How I'm already feeling that day, who it is that I'm talking to and where. When I was the only one that cried at the meet up it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I really should be getting help for my grief.
Cassie asked me some really good questions that I had not really considered before and I thank her dearly for it. Sometimes we cannot see what is right in front of us and we need that extra set of eyes to bring things to our attention. I don't get to talk about Genesis out loud the majority of the time. If I start to bring her up I get shot down by my family. Or I get weird looks from people like why the heck am I talking about a dead child. So a lot of the time I keep her thoughts to myself. I type them out on facebook and here on her blog. Typing it out has helped me tremendously but I don't think it is all that I need. I'm missing the other half. Speaking of her in real life, face to face, out loud to someone. Someone like a counselor or therapist or something. Problem is I don't have health insurance and I surly do not have the money to pay out of pocket. Then comes the time factor. I have so little time to do anything it's a wonder I find a moment each day to take a shower and keep the house clean.
Perhaps if I ever did come across the money to do this I could sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom and see if she could take care of the rainbows for me while I go to my sessions to get counseling. I think that may work. But only time will tell if I ever get the money to do that. So for now I guess this is it.
But for those of you that see a therapist or go to a counselor what are your thoughts? What do you do in a session? Is it the same each time? I can already see myself being a crying mess at each session and wondering if it's worth putting myself through that. How soon did you see an improvement? Did you see an improvement? What constitutes as an improvement? Not crying anymore? I'm not even sure what my expectations are on this. I feel my heart will always cry for her and sometimes those tears make it to the outside with visible tears. I also consider myself an emotional person so maybe I just cant help it. I don't know. As you can see I have so many random thoughts about this. I don't know what to think or where to start.
One thing I do know for sure though is that I don't feel consumed by her. She is on my mind always, yes. She is remembered in my home and I speak of her freely with the rainbows and that feels great. It feels healing and it feels normal and right. It in no way feels like an unhealthy balance or way of remembering her. Not to me anyway. And though I am involved with babyloss a lot... with Walk To Remember LA, Names On The Sidewalk, Written From The Heart, blogging, my BLM friends on facebook.... I don't feel that sadness and depression consume me. In fact I don't really consider myself a sad or depressed person. I generally am pretty happy. I can miss her and still be happy. And that feels good to me. But if this is the case why do I cry still... ugh. Back to square one.