Sunday, August 7, 2011

A decade later, a visit and the next generation

This last Friday was my 10 year high school reunion. Nothing like a decade to make you feel old. And no, I did not go. I kept in touch with the people that mattered to me. I didn't really care to see the people that were "too good" to talk to me in high school. So I spared myself from being subjected to the separation of the cliques, the judgmental looks from the "popular crowd" and the awkward questions like where my life has taken me and how many kids I have. 

I did however see the photos of the reunion posted online. Boy did that bring out a huge range of emotions for me. There were a couple people it would have been nice to see. Most people looked exactly the same as they did 10 years ago... a few made you sort of take a double take in disbelief that that was what they looked like now. I wonder if I would have been one of those people... where they look at me and say "what the heck happened to you.." Guess Ill never know. 

But more importantly, looking at these photos made me very aware of something. Something I already knew but it only made it that more evident to me. I am not who I was then. Im just not her anymore and it ultimately comes down to the fact that Genesis died. I imagined for a moment what it would have been like if I had gone. I could already envision myself sitting alone most of the time. If I found my old crowd that once accepted me I doubt we would get along like we used to. I can imagine the uncomfortable silence and awkward conversation. I am no longer the 18 year old version of myself. That outgoing, funny and happy girl isnt me. It's more evident that I am only half of myself. Dare I say Im half living... Even at my happiest Im no where near the carefree, happy, life loving girl I was. I miss her. I miss her dearly. Almost as much as I miss my sweet girl.

Something else that also took place this weekend was meeting my very first niece Khloe for the very first time. She was a total cutie and I feel so very special having a niece now. But of course it reminded me of Genesis and how she was the first niece for all of my siblings as well. 

We took photos with all the grandkids with my mom and dad. It was a total of 5 sitting on and around them. Then we took a photo with all the cousins. There were 7 of them all lined up in a row. As we were taking their photos on the couch we realized we were looking at the next generation and it sort of made us look back and see ourselves in them. It was very sweet. And then of course I was the only one {probably} who remembered that there was a cousin missing. My sweet Genesis should of been sitting right there on that couch with the rest of them. She would have been the second oldest one sitting on that couch sitting right between D and G. It totally made me sad. The trip back was a 4 hour car ride and practically the entire way I was thinking about her and imagining what should of been. 

My relationship with my brother isnt the best. It's no secret to anyone who knows us or to anyone in the family. But I tell you... the things he says never ceases to shock me. He straight up said "I never really liked kids and now that I have my own I really hate them." What in the world is that? Seriously?! First of all what a terrible thing to say about your own kids and kids in general. But to say that to me... the one who lost a child is so very rude and inconsiderate. Later on in the day I asked to take a photo with him and he replied by telling me we already took a photo last year when I saw him. I simply replied that I had no idea I was limited to 1 photo a year. That's my brother for you. I wish we had a better relationship but I think Ive come to accept that this is the way it is. I however am still not used to the insults that spew from his mouth.

Once again Ill say what I always say.... what Im sure is old news and annoying to outsiders...but...god I miss her.


Busy Momma said...

i just want to say that it's never annoying to the words that you miss her <3

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry for the comments that your brother made, how insensitive to say something like that, and I'm even more sorry that your Genesis was missing from that line of grandchildren. She should have been there.

I would never go to my school reunion either, I think I've changed too much. I'm sure I'd be one of the 'what the heck happened to you?' crowd.

And it's never old news or annoying, I know you'll always miss her. Just as you'll always love her. xo

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