Friday, June 17, 2011

Out of the blue

That's where it came from today. There was no trigger today. Today wasnt a special day or time of year. It was just a regular old Friday on my drive to work. When suddenly I just started crying. I wasn't thinking of her... not knowingly. But I know that my heart was. I was just so overcome with saddness I had to say a long prayer on my drive to give me the strength to get through the day.

I miss her so damn much. I can't even put into words how much. I can't imagine missing her like this for the rest of my life. I just cant. It's beyond torture. I feel like something has got to change. What? I have no idea. The only thing that could fix me is having her back with me. And that's the one thing I cant do.

I was thinking about how I have changed since she left me. I don't consider myself a friendly person now. I just dont go out of my way to say hi to a neighbor or someone passing on the sidewalk anymore. I just keep to myself a lot. I wonder what these people thing of me. Perhaps they think Im rude. Perhaps they think Im stuck up. I dont know, and dont care. But one thing is for sure. They certainly dont look at me and say, "hey, maybe she is a grieving mother who has been forever changed.' Nope. I dont like the small talk because the inevitable question of how many kids I have comes up. Or they say something stupid that reminds me that she is forgotten to others.

I feel like I have so much to say but dont have the words. And I even if I did find the words to put down... they all say the same thing. I miss her. I love her. I want her back. Im forever broken.

4 comments:

Natasha said...

So sorry your baby girl is not here with you.....she should be.....it's so unfair.

Sending lots of love........

xoxo

Alissa said...

Just sending some hugs your way. Lots of them. <3

Caroline said...

{{HUGS}} Thinking you so much. <3 Genesis <3

Holly said...

It is hard to imagine having to grieve for the rest of your life. Missing for the rest of your life but its our reality. :(

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