That's where it came from today. There was no trigger today. Today wasnt a special day or time of year. It was just a regular old Friday on my drive to work. When suddenly I just started crying. I wasn't thinking of her... not knowingly. But I know that my heart was. I was just so overcome with saddness I had to say a long prayer on my drive to give me the strength to get through the day.
I miss her so damn much. I can't even put into words how much. I can't imagine missing her like this for the rest of my life. I just cant. It's beyond torture. I feel like something has got to change. What? I have no idea. The only thing that could fix me is having her back with me. And that's the one thing I cant do.
I was thinking about how I have changed since she left me. I don't consider myself a friendly person now. I just dont go out of my way to say hi to a neighbor or someone passing on the sidewalk anymore. I just keep to myself a lot. I wonder what these people thing of me. Perhaps they think Im rude. Perhaps they think Im stuck up. I dont know, and dont care. But one thing is for sure. They certainly dont look at me and say, "hey, maybe she is a grieving mother who has been forever changed.' Nope. I dont like the small talk because the inevitable question of how many kids I have comes up. Or they say something stupid that reminds me that she is forgotten to others.
I feel like I have so much to say but dont have the words. And I even if I did find the words to put down... they all say the same thing. I miss her. I love her. I want her back. Im forever broken.