Monday, May 16, 2011

An ungreatful woman

I'm just warning you all ahead of time. This is a rant post. I'm not happy. And I'm going to let it all out and let off some steam.

Being a single mom is no joke. It is the hardest 9-5 {24/7} one can work. But it is so totally worth it. I love being a single mom, with the exception of a few little things. I think choosing to be a single mom with getting pregnant with G was one of the, if not the, best decision I have ever made. I knew it wasn't going to be easy being a single mom to two living kids but I knew I could do it. I also knew how difficult life was before hand, living life without a living daughter. I had no idea if G was going to be a boy or girl when I was ttc but I knew my future baby was going to be a blessing regardless. The deal just got sweeter when she was a confirmed girl. I finally had my living daughter. It has most definitely brought me some peace and much happiness.

Having said that though, moms do need a break once in a while. It's not that I am complaining about the rainbows. Not at all. I appreciate every sleepless night, every diaper change, every cry... I treasure it all because I know what it's like to not have that from a child. But all moms need some me time every once in a while.

I however, can count all the times I have had me time since the kids were born on one hand. 3 times to be exact. I am lacking in the me time department. Or really just free time in general. I got so overwhelmed this last weekend as G has been sick with a cold for several weeks now and has been very clingy. Its a wonder I find a moment to eat my food and take a shower each day. Really. It got to be too much for me on Saturday when it took me about a dozen attempts to go online to pay the bills and G would just not let me. D ate his lunch as the bits of macaroni and cheese fell off his plate and fell on the floor. I couldn't even find a minute to clean the floor or the dishes that had been piling up in the sink. I needed help. I needed just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to get these things done. 

I go over to my mom's side of the house asking for a mere 15 minutes so that I can get these important things done. My mom refuses. Instead she starts telling me the following: 
"I told you not to get pregnant. I told you not to have another one. I told you it would be hard...." 
I immediately left as soon as I heard her rant. It's one thing to not want to help for whatever reason. But it's an entirely different thing to tell me that my life would have been better without one of my children. Because that is what that statement implies. 

I cannot tell you how much hearing this hurts me. First she disregards the life of Genesis saying that she doesn't care about her. Now she is doing the same for my living daughter. When does it stop? What did I do or my kids do for you to not like them? I don't understand. 

My mom has always loved D. I can tell they have a special bond. I was hoping that it would be the same with G. But it's not. She doesn't love her like she does D. As a matter of fact I'm not even sure if she loves her. She is head over heels for my nephew who is just 25 days older than G. My sister was 17 when she had him and she dragged my parents through hell and back with all the shenanigans she put them through. But all was forgiven I guess and they still let her get away with murder. They love my nephew so much and watch him even when my sister doesn't ask. They watch him when she goes out with her boyfriend and when she goes to the gym and really anything else she wants to do. But when it comes to actually helping me, the person who really needs the help to get actual things done for the good of the family they wont help. I am besides myself. I have no idea. My mom tells everyone that my nephew is her Prozac. That he is the reason she is happier in life. And that she cant picture life without him. She has never said this about G. Ever. And that hurts me. 

I don't know why there is this animosity towards me... or if this is some sort of resentment for my daughters. As mentioned before, she was the most involved person when it came to Genesis. She went to all the ultrasounds, she was there when we got the fatal diagnosis, she was there when I was in labor, she was there when she was born, she was one of the few people who met her, got to hold her, she was even named after her, she said her goodbyes at the mortuary... but she has clearly told me that she doesn't care about Genesis. Likewise she was there when G was born. She was one of the first people to hold her. G is her first living granddaughter and we had so much ridding on her pregnancy, hoping for a healthy little girl. She should be worth much more than how she is treating her today. I don't get it. 

And even when I told her I didn't want to hear this and walked away... she continued her schpeal the next day when I saw her. I finally had to calmly tell her that the reason I didn't want to hear this is because I found it insulting that she was suggesting that my life would be easier or better without my daughter there. I know what it's like to live without a daughter, a child. It's not easier. It's harder in some regards. Those day to day challenges are going to be there regardless so why would you wish someone didn't exist? She just started saying something and walked away... I didn't really hear what she said nor do I really care to know.... 

I am really not looking to start anything with her but it always seems to be something. I really wish our relationship was better. I don't know how it got this way. It really makes me sad to see where we are. I think I have to just accept that it is what it is now. I can't change her. I wish that I didn't have to rely on them so much for any help. Living so close to her just is a ticking time bomb waiting for something to happen. I cannot wait for the day that I can distance myself and the rainbows. Because as Ive mentioned before... if you cannot accept all of us, then you don't deserve any of us in your life.


TanaLee Davis said...

Oh Tiffany.

I am so sorry I was unable to speak to you on Saturday. I really wanted to but my phone was in the process of dying since I forgot to charge it. I wasn't home when I received your text. It died by the time you sent the following messages.

I'm sorry that when you were going through this I was unable to console you. I hope next time I will be available. Its not right how your mother treats you or your daughters. I'm sorry.

Caroline said...

I'm sorry Tiff it's so tough I know. I heard things like that before I married from my Mom cause my older 2 children have a different Dad. Keeping you in my prayers.

Lisette said...

I am so sorry that your relationship with y our mom isn't the best. She has no right to say those things to you because they are so hurtful. You have every right to feel that way.
I can't imagine being a single mom, my husband leaves for a few days here and there for work and I feel lost. I am so proud of you, you are an amazing mother. I wish we lived closer because I would watch your kids for you so that you can have a break here and there. ((HUGS))

Jo...x said...

Im your newest follower from over at
'Love that moves the stars'. xx
Sorry you are having a hard time, send you strength and love. xx

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