Friday, May 6, 2011

It's never going to go away..... is it

Logically I know that Genesis will never be back...physically... in this system of things. I know that I will always be missing a child and missing out on the things we should have done together as a family. I know that I will always miss her as long as I'm living. I know, I know, I know.

But my brain is still protecting my heart I think. Either that or I don't want to believe that this is my life, I mean come one who wants to be a BLM? I guess the reason I'm feeling like this right now is on facebook there are various events that friends can invite you to. You can even see events that friends are attending even if the event is for someone you don't know. There are many "virtual events" on facebook for BLMs where they ask you to remember their babies on their anniversaries and I think that is a beautiful thing. I did the same thing for Genesis in March. However two of these events stood out to me. Usually the events I see are for 1,2 maybe even 3 year anniversaries. Once in a while you will see what I thought was considered a "veteran" anniversary at 4, 5 or 6 year anniversary. Most of the BLMs I know have had recent losses and with Genesis being gone over 4 years now I have always kind of felt like part of the "veteran" crowd. Well that all changed today. Clearly I know I am not the first person to have experienced loss. There have been countless families affected by this tragedy since the beginning of time. But a week or so ago, I saw one of these virtual events for a 16 year anniversary. Today I saw one for 30 years. Wow. 

I know I will be like these women who miss their babies for 10, 20, 30 years... up until my last breath. But to actually see it... to know of these mothers who decades later are still speaking their child's name.... I dont know. It really tugs at my heart strings and makes it all the more real to me that yes... this missing her, will be forever. every. single. day. and. night. with each breath. F.O.R.E.V.E.R. until I cease to exist myself. I dont know about you but that is some heavy stuff. I dont know exactly what to do about that, not that I can do anything. 

I dont know... sorry, this post is kind of random and maybe not entirely coherent. But I just had to let it out. I just cant believe that one day I will say "please remember Genesis on her 50 year anniversary..." sigh.


TanaLee Davis said...

Genesis will always be loved and remembered. I don't think you'll ever have to say "remember Genesis, its been 20-30 years..." I think way before then you'll be holding your precious girl. :)


Tiffany said...

I certainly hope you are right felicia <3

Sarita Boyette said...

Meredith has been gone for 36 years. While I will never forget her, I have finally come to terms with her passing. I think of her every day, but the gut wrenching grief is no longer there.

Stephanie said...

Thinking of you on mother's day. I think that you are right in so many ways with this post, it is just always going to be hard, but we learn to live with it more as the years go on.

butterflymom said...

I completely agree with you, Tiffany. You never really believe that it's going to be "forever." Like it's gonna just go away someday....I think that's what we wish. Not that we want to forget our babies...but we just need the pain to subside a bit. Let up. Give us a rest. I'm hoping that with time, those 30 year anniversaries without our babies will be a time of remembrance and love. A time of hope for a sooner connection and meeting again. Happy Mother's Day, my friend. ((Hugs))

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