Friday, May 20, 2011

Im really down today

Emotionally, today feels like March. You know, that time of year when the raw emotion comes back beacuse your heart, mind, soul and every fiber of your body remembers that its the anniversary of your child's death. Yea, that kind of down feeling. Well I have it today.

I'm not sure that any one specific thing triggered it. Life is just an unexpected rollercoaster with no real rhyme or reason sometimes. I suppose there are things that maybe contributed to this feeling... like the fact that tomorrow is my brother's baby shower for his soon to be baby girl. It's not so much that they are having a girl that still bothers me... at least I dont think. But its a baby shower for a girl. I never had one. I never got that far for Genesis and with G I didnt get a baby shower. I did have a rainbow party for G when she was roughly 6 months old but it just isnt the same. So I think this baby shower is just another reminder of what could of been and what should of been. Sigh. The weird part is that Im not going, so it shouldnt be hard on me right? no, not so much. I still know its going on and thats enough to make me sad. Im not going not because I dont want to be there but because I actually am not able to go due to my schedule. Had my schedule allowed it I would have totally gone, despite the stabs to my heart.

Another reason I am down... well Im lonely. Ive been single for almost 4 years now. 4 years all alone with no me time, no one to help, no one to love {in a partner sort of way}, no real socializing... its very hard. Im not a social butterfly by any means. I wish I were but that's just not who I am now. Losing Genesis has really affected that part of me. Im a homebody and I am to myself. I am shy and eventually open up to those that I feel comfortable around, but even then I am not the social person I was in my youth. I feel so alienated. So secluded. I feel There is no redemption for me. Im too far out of the social scene to ever go back. When I am tempted to dip my toe back into it, it feels so awkward. I also have no real help to watch the kids outside of work and so really doing anything social is pretty much impossible. Im sorry, this is sort of a bunch of scattered thoughts. But I just need to let it out. 


Its just one of those days that I just need someone to look at me the wrong way and thats enough for me to burst into tears. I hope this weekend is better. I have the need to go see Genesis rock in her garden. Let's see if I can make that happen.

13 comments:

TanaLee Davis said...

Thinking of you tiffany...you are so loved and one day will find that 'mate' in a person to give you all the love you need.
~Felicia

aliciamarie911 said...

oh girl, I'm so sorry. I know that your feelings of loneliness are different than mine, but I experience it too. I hope that you feel better soon. I need a good dose of cheering up too!

Deanna said...

thinking of you, and hoping you feel better soon.

Our Journey said...

I am sorry... I pray that God brings someone in your life who is a friend, partner and loves you and your children unconditionaly.
I hope things get better soon. It's always good to get things out and talk or write about how we are feeling.
Thinking of you and sending you a ((HUG))

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thinking of you today and always....

I think you should play some, Shoop Shoop ba doop, Shoop ba doop ba doop ba doop!!!!!

Love ya girlie!

Caroline said...

Thinking of you so much. {{HUGS}}

Holly said...

I think it does have to be hard being by yourself for the 4 yrs you have with virtually no help. You're a great momma and some day a great guy is gonna come along and be a perfect match for your family.

Courtney said...

Lots of *hugs* coming your way, mama.
I get days like this too and when they hit, they hit hard.

I so wish I lived closer, I would love to hang out with you and your precious babies <3

Sophie said...

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I can barely function with my husband with me sometimes, i can only imagine how much harder it is without someone to share it with. Sending you big hugs. xx

Becky Baker said...

Wow! So wish we lived near each other! I was so having the some of the same feelings on Saturday/Sunday! Bummer!
I have been really thinking about how much my life has changed since loosing my baby girl! How much I'VE changed! Yikes! Its amazing to me! I don't regret how I've changed, I don't wish I didn't change, its just different now! I AM different now!
Any time you wanna talk, I am here! Don't be lonely, reach out to me!
;-)

P.S. I just did a test, i've been leaving comments and they haven't been posting! Think its my interent explorer I am using, I am posting this with my old explorer!

Tiffany said...

Lots of *hugs* coming your way, mama.
I get days like this too and when they hit, they hit hard.

I so wish I lived closer, I would love to hang out with you and your precious babies <3

Tiffany said...

I am sorry... I pray that God brings someone in your life who is a friend, partner and loves you and your children unconditionaly.
I hope things get better soon. It's always good to get things out and talk or write about how we are feeling.
Thinking of you and sending you a ((HUG))

Tiffany said...

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I can barely function with my husband with me sometimes, i can only imagine how much harder it is without someone to share it with. Sending you big hugs. xx

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