Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being judged and discriminated

It has come to my attention that what I write here and on my facebook page has rubbed some people the wrong way. I have been told that they "don't agree with what I say publicly." Wow. Where do I begin with this one?

First let me say that I am not upset by these opinions. They are just that, opinions. Opinions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. {just as my opinions just are} I am fine with someone not agreeing with my views, after all we are all different and we are entitled to our own opinions. I did want to make some thing clear though. My facebook page is private. I have personally hand selected who I want as a friend and monitor who sees what updates, photos and info. What I post on facebook is not open for the world to see, so to say that what I post there is public is actually not the case. 

This blog however is very much public. However based on the nature of the blog there is a select audience that it's directed to, you guessed it, BLMs. However anyone else is also welcome to read it. It is for that reason that I have never posted photos of the rainbows here. It is for that reason that I don't usually mention specific names when I feel the need for the rant {ie: this post}. So while what I post here is viewable to anyone, there is still some anonymity as to who I am talking about. If you know me in real life then you may just put two and two together and just figure out who I am talking about, and that's just fine by me. This is not internet bashing or talking crap behind someones back. I am simply venting and its out here on my public blog. I have nothing to hide. And if you really know me in real life, then you will know why I had to get it out of my system and blog about it. However, most of you don't know me in real life. And there are a few of you that used to know me in real life and we lost touch. Whatever group you may fall in, I hope that you don't judge me solely on what you read here.

I am however interested in anyone I may have offended with anything. When expressing my feelings or stating my opinions, it is never my intent to offend or hurt anyone. If that is the case know that I am truly sorry. If I am truly in the wrong about something, stating incorrect facts or something of that nature, I am not too proud to apologize and take responsibility for my actions. I ask that if something like this does come up please contact me directly and we can come to a common ground. I really don't like being judged for something like my opinion. I really dislike drama and conflict and want to fix anything that may come up. That's just the kind of person I am. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. Ive said it before, this is my safe place to say anything and everything I want. I thank you all who care to read and follow my journey, but for those that don't agree with my feelings you do know you don't have to read this blog. 

I have thought about making this blog private but doing that would not be true to my heart. This blog is also used for healing and if I can help even one person, it would be worth it. This is also a place to spread Genesis' story and through her story her memory will live on. It's much deeper than just documenting my opinion. 

Again, in being true to my heart, I felt the need to blog about this. In the past I used to let people walk all over me and say crap that wasnt true. I wasnt raised to stand up for myself and I regret not saying anything in the past. I vowed several years ago that I will no longer be that girl again. I will stand up for myself and speak my heart regardless if others agree or not. In the end I will be true to me and that's what matters.

And since I am talking about being true to my heart, I also wanted to blog about something else that has bothered me. There are different BLM events that I have heard of... like meet ups and such... as well as events nationally and internationally that I have heard are going on. I think these things are great but I have found a common issue.... to bring kids or not. I realize for many blms being around kids is painful. I was there once so I completely sympathize. However I do think that events for blms with children (either children from before the loss or rainbows) should be going on as well. I have had a couple of events already tell me that I cannot bring my kids. And that's not the part I have an issue with. What bothers me is that these events dont have any plans to have events for blms with kids, which excludes me alltogether. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me. I know we are all in different places in our grief but I think if there is going to be this support group type of meet up or event, then it needs to be able to accommodate everyone. How is a BLM telling mothers of living children that they cant come to an event different from the world telling us our child that died doesnt count? They are all important and all should be acknowledged and celebrated. The need, want, desire and goal of so many BLMs is to have a living child {speaking from the viewpoint of losing your first} and to ban those who have finally had that dream come to life seems so wrong. Losing a child is isolating in itself, being a single mom isolates me further... then to be essentially discriminated against at events like these by the group I seek the most comfort from is the ultimate isolation...at least thats my take on it. For me personally I would leave them with a sitter if I could. But doing it all on my own, having a less than supportive family and not being able to afford a sitter at the drop of a hat whenever I feel like it for two kids is certainly a challenge. Add to that the trust issues I have and dealing with being overprotective with the rainbows and not just leaving them with anybody makes it very hard.

12 comments:

aliciamarie911 said...

I recently received a facebook message from my sister in law who basically told me that I was wrong for feeling upset or jealous when someone gets pregnant or they have a baby shower. Some people do not understand, and they never will. I'm sorry that someone is causing issues! I addressed an issue that came up from a comment on my blog the other day in a blog post and my sister in law had a hay day with my post. I'm glad that your blog is public. I'm glad that we get to hear about what's really going on in your heart.

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) i'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. the last issue is actually something that is very close to my heart as it is the drama i recently dealt with. i had a BLM essentially go off on me because i told her that she unfortunately could not bring her rainbow to an event. she not only went off on me but blasted our whole group saying that we "discriminated" against her because she had a baby.

for me, admittedly, it is a trigger (but i work through it if i must), but the reason i told her no is because i knew several other BLMs that go to our events experience triggers around babies, they flat out told us (i co-lead the group) that they would not go if there were babies in attendance. and since we never know if a new person with triggers will be in attendance on a certain night, we thought it was the most sensitive to just not allow children to come.

now that being said, i completely agree with you. i think family events should be planned for BLMs that fit in that category. i think that all BLMs need ongoing support. and i feel like we will get to that point with our group one day (we are just starting out).

but i think it just takes 1 BLM with an idea and vision. maybe you could speak to the leaders of the group, or the group itself, and see if anyone else who has family is interested in getting together. you guys could become a sub-group of the group. i don't think any BLM would turn down more time to talk about their angels and spend time with their rainbows/children. i think that would be amazing. ((hugs))

Tiffany said...

aliciamarie911~ Im so sorry to hear about your sister. I feel like the worst judgment comes from our own families. ((hugs)) I really dont get what all the fb and blog drama is about. It is our page/blog to do what we want on it. They are just opinions not death threats sheesh!

Tiffany said...

Tiff~ Im so sorry someone went off on you. Even worse that she is a BLM. I get both of your feelings and view on this. But she should have handled it differently. Just like you said, someone just has to organize these family events. I have mentioned it to the groups. One never replied back the other basically told me no kids, period. I think for those that are not sensitive to all grieving mothers, specifically those with living children it is not kind to do that. Just as you heard blms tell you that they will not go if there are babies... I have told this organization I will not go/ support their cause if they don't allow my living children to go. Of course I didnt create some huge thing about.. I just simply let them know how I felt and that was that. I hope that we all get to a point where there is support for everyone despite how many kids they hold in their arms and hearts. Much love tiff <3

Tiffany said...

i absolutely love that we can have a civil respectful dialogue about this. i completely understand that there is another side to this. and it's unfortunately that your groups did not work with you to see if they could accomodate some support for you (like a family night). i know we would have had she approached us the right way. but her initial reaction was just to acuse us of not caring about her and discriminating against her. i get that she was hurt by my response, but grief isn't an excuse to treat someone wrongly. anyway, i really am sorry that you are feeling isolated. we as BLMs really don't need to feel added isolation as grief is isolating enough.

Tiffany said...

yes exactly tiffany! {that was what the first part of my blog post was about lol} yea about the groups im referring to, they did not state from the get go that this was a non child event. I actually just had the courtesy to ask before I showed up with kids in tow. Only one group is doing a family event. and that is cassie from face2face LA and I think she can relate because she has her daughter. Im sorry to hear this blm just came out of the doors already swinging. Not cool. You attract more bees with honey than vinegar, as my mother would say lol and I agree with you, grief doesn't make being difficult acceptable. Im hoping she finds the support she needs.

Remembering Alexander said...

I am so sorry to read that you are "being judged and discriminated". If people spent more time loving and less time judging, what a better world this would be.

I have been following you for at least one year and I can't think of one occasion where you would have upset anyone (and I'm not trying to blow smoke up your a$$). I think that you have an amazing mix of Genesis, rainbows, yourself and life in general.

You mentioned that you will keep your blog public because if "I can help even one person...". Rest assured, speaking from my heart, you have helped one person... me. However, if you ever decide to go private, please, please, give me access; rememberingalexander@hotmail.com.

Having said that, please don't tell any of your haters about my blog because if you upset them, I will definitely get death threats (smile).

I am so happy to hear that you will remain true to yourself. Life is short, us BLM's understand this more than anyone.

I totally understand about not just trusting "anyone" to look after your kids (and of course the financial factor). Have you met any BLM's that you could "babysit swap"?

I hope to follow your story for many years to come.

Peace.

Holly said...

I think if someone gets offended they need to just stop reading and leave instead of continuing to read. No one is making them read it! If you don't agree, that's fine b/c everyone has different opinions but I don't think a big fuss needs to be made about it. I know I don't like to create drama but some people do I guess!

As for the events, it's my personal opinion that I don't think it's fair that you can't bring your children to events. I know babies can be triggers for some women but I feel I have the right to take my children with me wherever I go. I would never hold it against another mom for having children.

Tiffany said...

rememberingalexander~ bless your heart <3 Thank you so much for your kind words. I am touched that I have helped you. Really I am just honored that Genesis and I have done that for you. You have lifted my spirits. Rest assured if I ever go private you will be invited to read <3 I have thought about the babysitting swap thing. The closest blm I have to me is about 45 min away. So yea, not too convenient.

elena said...

I can so relate to this post and feel the same way about opinions. We should all as individuals be able to agree to disagree. You have a right to vent or say what you want and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to read it or be here.

On the issue of the BLM's with children I can relate and agree. I understand it's painful for those that do not have children yet, but at the same time NONE OF OUR CHILDREN replaces the other. I dislike when people say "well you have living children" that doesn't negate the fact that Lilly is dead! Its painful all around no matter what anyone's circumstances, the fact remains we are grieving the loss of life of our children.

Thank you for your honesty. *hugs*

Tiffany said...

I am so sorry to read that you are "being judged and discriminated". If people spent more time loving and less time judging, what a better world this would be.

I have been following you for at least one year and I can't think of one occasion where you would have upset anyone (and I'm not trying to blow smoke up your a$$). I think that you have an amazing mix of Genesis, rainbows, yourself and life in general.

You mentioned that you will keep your blog public because if "I can help even one person...". Rest assured, speaking from my heart, you have helped one person... me. However, if you ever decide to go private, please, please, give me access; rememberingalexander@hotmail.com.

Having said that, please don't tell any of your haters about my blog because if you upset them, I will definitely get death threats (smile).

I am so happy to hear that you will remain true to yourself. Life is short, us BLM's understand this more than anyone.

I totally understand about not just trusting "anyone" to look after your kids (and of course the financial factor). Have you met any BLM's that you could "babysit swap"?

I hope to follow your story for many years to come.

Peace.

Tiffany said...

I recently received a facebook message from my sister in law who basically told me that I was wrong for feeling upset or jealous when someone gets pregnant or they have a baby shower. Some people do not understand, and they never will. I'm sorry that someone is causing issues! I addressed an issue that came up from a comment on my blog the other day in a blog post and my sister in law had a hay day with my post. I'm glad that your blog is public. I'm glad that we get to hear about what's really going on in your heart.

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