Tuesday, May 3, 2011

2 losses in 5 months

That's what I went through... though the two losses were completely different. As mentioned in the "Genesis' & My Story" tab, my then husband left me just 5 months after Genesis died. I don't think people understand the calamitous nature of what happened. I had to survive both ordeals and be able to carry my first rainbow baby.

I look back at my life and still cant believe what I have lived through. I have heard of husbands losing their pregnant wives in accidents. Or a wife losing her husband in death after the loss of a child. And while those are tragic events as well, I only wish that death was what happened. Let me explain. I would much rather say I was a widow than say that my husband left me. In my opinion it hurts more and is much worse what happened to me because he chose to leave. In death you don't have a choice. In the days and weeks and even months after he left I thought that having said he died would have been much easier. Instead I wondered where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. In time these questions would be answered... but the answers were just as painful.

Over the course of the last 3 years and 9 months, I have adjusted to being a single parent and as mentioned before, I quite enjoy it. I think its quite liberating and something that was beneficial for my growth and development as a mother. I am a better person for having gone through it. And as much as I love it, it does have its downfalls. I would say 95% is bliss but that last 5% is a dozy.

It gets really lonely. I long for an actual conversation. Most of my conversations are with toddlers about The Wonder Pets or Dora The Explorer. I long for a warm embrace and for someone to say "I love you" to me....{well in a different way than my toddler says it}. I quite enjoyed being married and I made a darn good wife if I do say so myself ;). I love taking care of my spouse and caring for the home. It makes me happy. I miss the little things like little love notes or a special text from a significant other just letting me know he misses me. I cant believe I'm going on 4 years without all of that. It's so very hard.

I just had to do a blog post about this as Ive been feeling a bit down lately. The loneliness is catching up to me and consuming me. I want to matter to someone, you know? And I know I have many family and friends that do care but that's not the "care" I'm talking about. I don't understand how it is that jerks who do what my ex did and worse find girls at the drop of a hat. Lots of girls. And then someone decent and loving and respectable like myself hasn't had one guy even look twice my way. I don't get it. I don't get how the universe works. Sort of like how I don't get why babies die even when you do everything right, yet there are women that do drugs, smoke, don't even want their baby and yet they have a perfectly healthy child. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for it.

In addition to all that Ive come to a bit of an issue concern. Obviously when you are looking to date and you have kids it changes it up a bit. There are gonna be those guys that see your kids as "baggage". It's unfortunate they see it that way. In all honesty, I wouldnt want to be with a guy that has this view point anyway, but it still hurts to be judged and not even given a chance. Definately their loss. But for those that are accepting of my kids...Ive sort of struggled with something. Do I tell him I have 3 or 2 kids? If I say 2 when do I mention Genesis? Ive made it clear that if I were to be with anyone in the future they would have to be accepting of all my kids. And I just dont know how to handle it. How do I bring it up without him looking at me like I just sprouted a second head? Sigh. I hate how complicated this is. I suppose first thing is first... just wait till mr.right finds me... if he ever does find me. Sigh.


ccc said...

So sorry that you are feeling this way. I would tell whomever you meet that you have three kids and tell him the circumstances. His reaction will tell you if he is a keeper or not. Take care.

Caroline said...

I'm sorry that you feel lonely. I have been there. My older two have a different Dad. I remember thinking I would never find anyone. Keeping you in my prayers. I also agree w/ the first commenter.

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