I find myself saying this to friends and family that are expecting (or that were in the past) who were about 5 - 5 1/2 months along. Only now do I really step back and realize how it may be affecting people.
Ever since I had her, I have had a need for people to recognize that I was pregnant with her. That she counted. That she was a real person. That my pregnancy with her counted. That even though there was a time where I had no living children, I was a mother. I had a strong desire to connect to the world of pregnancy and motherhood. And so any opportunity I could take to relate to this world I would take it.
Though it was accompanied by odd looks when we were exchanging labor stories amongst family members. I felt as though my labor with Genesis didn't count to them. My 5 days of hospitalization and pain (both physical and emotional) didn't count to them because my baby girl didn't take a breath. But I didn't let their reactions stop me from sharing my stories of motherhood.
But only now do I realize that when I congratulate a friend or family member on their pregnancy and I am told they are about 5 months pregnant, I say "Awww, that's how far along I was when Genesis was born." I don't mean it in a way to scare the family into thinking their baby will die. That is not my intention at all. And for a while though, I thought it was just a way to reconnect with Genesis' pregnancy and birth story and to once again remind people that I was a mother way before I had a living child. Ive come to realize that I do it because I want people to see that she was real. Its easy to say "oh her baby died at 5 months in the pregnancy..." and move on like it was no big deal. But when they are currently 5 months pregnant... they already know how connected and head over heels in love they are with their unborn baby. They have already made all the plans and have all the dreams that I had for Genesis. They are in that exact stage in their lives and pregnancy where they are awaiting to receive the best gift in life they have ever gotten. And all that was ripped away from me. By reminding them that was when Genesis was born, I am trying to remind them that I have not forgotten her. In a sense, I want them to realize how much I lost. And that if they were to loose their baby now (and I never ever wish that on anyone) how that would impact them. And then maybe just visiting the idea for a split second may give them a tiny glimpse of what I deal with on a day to day basis.
I hope that doesnt sound bad. I certainly dont mean it in a bad way. I am only human. I truly never hope anything bad ever happens to any baby. But the same time I want people to recognize what I lost. It's so much more than just losing a baby. Anyway, I guess Im rambling now and this post really didnt come out the way I was hoping... Im not good with words. But hopefully my BLM friends know what I am trying to say.