Saturday, April 2, 2011

I am broken

I have been utterly devastated tonight. And it was by none other than my own family. My mother and fellow BLM. {Just a recap for any new readers, my mom had a stillborn baby back when I was just a few years old. She was roughly 21-22 weeks, so about the same gestation as me when I had Genesis. But she never wanted to find out the gender, she never named it, she never wanted to see it. It was easier for her to pretend it didnt happen than to accept what happened. So in my opinion she is not a true BLM}


So I guess you could say that I set myself up again, though that wasnt the intention. I wanted to take a moment to really sit down with her and let her know how important the Walk To Remember events are to me. So I brought up the picnic again and was trying to explain to her how much it meant to me. I guess I was being too vague and she didnt really grasp what I was referring to. So I had to be blunt about it and say, "You do realize Im talking about Genesis and the IBLMD picnic right?" Then the conversation took this turn: {Keep in mind she was playing with a microphone I just bought D that makes your voice echo. She was trying to be sort of funny in the way that she was saying this by talking into the microphone but she really meant what she was saying}


my mom: why does everything have to be about Genesis, Genesis, Genesis...
me: Im just trying to explain to you that these events are  important to me and that...
my mom: well they are not important to me
me: but I really care about this and it means a lot to me if...
my mom: and I dont care about it
me: but this is how I remember Genesis...
my mom: I dont care about Genesis... and yes Im a bad person. I shouldnt be allowed on the face of the earth...
me: I really dont appreciate you mocking me and Genesis. Im inviting you because your support is important to me. Its important to me to remember my daughter...
my mom: the answer is no, will always be no, no, NO. To everything, NO.


She was sort of half laughing when she was saying these things. I had tears streaming down my face as she continued to mock me, mock Genesis, mock my grief. She did this in front of the rainbows too. And my sister was there too and my mom was trying to get a kick out of her and she gladly joined in on the mockery and was laughing at me. 


I cannot tell you how offended I am. Im just as offended as if she were to have said these things about one of my living children. Living or not, they are all my children and I love them and I will talk about them. I really feel like this is the last straw. Really. I have put up with so much. And she has been so very cruel to me. Not only emotionally but physically to. Enough is enough. If you cannot accept me and ALL my children then you dont deserve to have us in your life. Because of my financial situation though I am unable to move away. I cannot tell you how badly I want to escape this abuse. I just cant take it anymore. 

21 comments:

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Um wow... I am at a loss for words. I am so so very sorry that someone, someone that close to you, in your family, someone who knows what the loss of a child feels like, can tell you and Genesis something like that.
I am here for you girl!!!!

Busy Momma said...

oh Tiffany, my heart just sank for you! my mouth literally DROPPED when I was reading that conversation! oh love, i'm so sorry

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) Tiffany I'm so sorry. I understand how completely devastating it is to have family be less than supportive (far less in your case). There's really nothing that can be said to make what she said better. It was cruel, selfish, and uncalled for. And I'm sorry it happened to you. Sending you my love...

Kalialani said...

I canNOT freakin believe this Tiffany...well I can, considering the shit I've heard her say to you before. 'Scuse my language, I'm just SO frickin PISSED. HOW could your own mother treat you like a piece of trash?? Literally, this is how I feel she treats you. NO mother should be so disgustingly rude and cruel to her own daughter...or ANYONE for that matter. You do NOT deserve this and I REALLY wish you were able to move away from this drama. I'm praying for you to be able to get the means to move someday soon. I LOVE you, Genesis and your rainbows and I NEVER want anyone (strangers, friends OR family) to treat any of you like this. :( I'm sorry for this, there's just no excuse. Love you Tiffany <3

Mary said...

I am so, so sorry!!!! I am heartbroken for you:( We all love you and ALL of your children!!! We LOVE to hear about Genesis! She is SO important, just like the rainbows! I am sorry that your mother doesn't realize that. ((((HUGS))))
Love,
Mary

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I didn't know the background on your mother, you would think she would understand. I am so sorry. How could she say those things to you. What she said was very mean and cruel. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for your comfort and strength.((HUGS))

Tina said...

My heart is broken, & I feel devastated w/ you. There are no words I can say to heal the wicked cutting words you've heard. Just know there are so many BLM's that love & support you. My husband wants you to know he send his support & prayers also.

Sarita Boyette said...

Tiffany, I am SO sorry your own mother treated you that way. There is no excuse for that. She should be ashamed. (((Big hugs to you))) Again, I'm so sorry you are hurt. I'm praying foryour heart to be comforted by the Lord and your many friends on your blog & FB.

Caroline said...

My heart is broken w/you. I'm in tears. Praying for you so much. Love you always.

TanaLee Davis said...

Terrible,
How on earth could she say words like this! I'm ticked,hurt,burdened by her words. The fact that she is your mother makes it 100% worse. There is no excuse!!!! I'm sorry mama...my heart in aching with your tonight...please call me Monday. love you my sweet sister...Genesis DOES matter and I love her as Jehovah loves her...sorry but maybe your mother should read how Jehovah views life!
hugs-
Felicia

JenJen said...

Wow, I would be so upset, too! I am so sorry that you don't have the love and understanding from the women in your life that should give it to you unconditionally, especially since your mom has been where you are...

Huge ((hugs))

The Anglin Family said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I feel like my family is not supportive but they don't treat me like that. I can't imagine, sweetie. If I were rich I'd send you money to leave. It's not fair to have to live in that sort of emotional abuse. I'm so sorry your mother treats you like that...it hurts my heart. Hugs to you and I hope you and your babies have a better day today. Much love beautiful!

PrincessKalico said...

I'm so sorry your own mother is acting that way. Such a horrible person to not care about the well-being of her daughter! I hate that you are stuck in this situation. You don't deserve such disrespect. I wish I could give you a big hug. :(

Bree said...

I am so sorry, Tiffany. My own mother is pretty awful, so I can sort of relate. Huge hugs. xo

Antoinette said...

)-M-G I wish I can say I am shocked, but I am not. She is and has always been so hurtful to you in regards to your first born. It really saddens me that she just thinks this is a BIG joke. I dont know why she chose not to see her child. i was afraid to as well, but thank goodness I had nurses who CONVINCED me it was for the best and that small time I had with alyssa fills my heart completely (as complete as it could be). In a way I wonder if she envies the love you have for Genesis? Does she wish SHE would be that kind of mother to that baby? Or does she simply not give a shit, and assume you would be more "healed" if you didnt give a shit either? Either way you put it, its WRONG and disgusting. Im so sorry, I wish I was in LA to do the walk along side you. I wish THEY would all realize you are not asking for an organ donation, you just want GENESIS' family THERE TOO. It is completely messed up and I wish I can fix it. Just like everything else, there are no magic words. I can tell you something that my cousins therapist told her. I repeat it to myself when I find myself constantly getting hurt by the same things::

Guy walks down a road, the road has a huge hole in the center of the street. He falls in and gets hurt. Manages to climb out to safety. Next day walks down the same road, and again falls in, gets hurt and struggles again to climb out. He does this a few times until he realizes that in order for him NOT to get hurt, he needs to walk AROUND the hole. From that day forward he wasnt hurt again.

your mom is the hole. As much as you want to change her feelings and ways towards remembering Genesis, you wont be able to. she is who she is. Each time you try you are going to be hurt because that is just not her way of living. I hope one day to hear you have walked around the hold too and find yourself in a better happier place with this ((((hugs))))

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry Tiffany. This is just awful. How could she? xxx

Holly said...

Im sorry but your mom is just awful. Who says stuff like that to their own daughter? You are better off w/o her IMO. You don't need people who are gonna treat you that way. ((Hug))

Tiffany said...

Im sorry but your mom is just awful. Who says stuff like that to their own daughter? You are better off w/o her IMO. You don't need people who are gonna treat you that way. ((Hug))

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I feel like my family is not supportive but they don't treat me like that. I can't imagine, sweetie. If I were rich I'd send you money to leave. It's not fair to have to live in that sort of emotional abuse. I'm so sorry your mother treats you like that...it hurts my heart. Hugs to you and I hope you and your babies have a better day today. Much love beautiful!

Tiffany said...

Wow, I would be so upset, too! I am so sorry that you don't have the love and understanding from the women in your life that should give it to you unconditionally, especially since your mom has been where you are...

Huge ((hugs))

Tiffany said...

My heart is broken, & I feel devastated w/ you. There are no words I can say to heal the wicked cutting words you've heard. Just know there are so many BLM's that love & support you. My husband wants you to know he send his support & prayers also.

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...