Sunday, April 3, 2011

Feelings & an open letter

I had trouble sleeping last night because of my emotional turmoil. When I woke up I still felt so very hurt and abandoned. Im so disgusted with the words that came out of my mother's mouth that I literally feel ill. I think a trip to Genesis' garden is in order today. I think it's the only thing that could possibly offset this to at least some degree.

I have so much I want to say to my mom but I decided last night that our relationship is irreversibly broken. Instead I decided to write an open letter to her to pour my heart out and say {type} the things I need to say. Sadly she will never read it as she doesnt know of this blog nor would she read it even if she did. But at least I will have told the universe how I feel. Here goes:

Dear Mom,
First I would like to thank you for all the good you have done for me my entire life. I know that I could have ended up with any family and Im so very thankful to have been adopted by you and pop. I had a wonderful childhood and I only wish that I can give the same upbringing to my kids. I also thank you for your most recent help. Help when Michael left me while pregnant... Help even now still trying to get back on my feet 100% and all the help you have given me with the kids. I am forever grateful for that and dont even have all the 'thank yous' in the world to show my gratitude. 

However, in our family it seem to be a trend that anytime someone does something to help someone out they think that they can hold that over their head for eternity and its an excuse to mistreat that person. I must be silly and old fashion, but I thought family was supposed to help each other out because they cared about them. Not because they wanted to have something over that person or to even expect repayment some way. {though I have repaid you for all your financial assistance} 

I have felt really mistreated in the last few years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I have let everything go and have forgiven you for everything in the past... yes even when you threw a glass at my head when I was pregnant with D. Yes even when you punched me in the stomach repeatedly when I was pregnant with G and you spat in my face. Yes, I told the police {that you called} that I didnt want to press charges because you were my mother. I forgave you, though you never asked for forgiveness. But yesterday my forgiveness ended. Enough is enough and you cant keep crossing the line expecting for things to go back to the way they were. Its one thing to verbally and emotionally abuse me. Its completely different when you do this to one of my children... even if they are not physically here. Genesis is still my child and still very much loved. And I will defend her even in death.

You mocking Genesis and my grief for her and my way of keeping her memory alive is repulsive. Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU FOREVER. She is your granddaughter too, remember? And did you forget that she was even named after you... Magali. I truly wish I had not named her after you. You are not worthy of that. What is even more insulting was that you were one of the few people that ever got to meet her. You saw that she was loved and wanted. You saw her in all her beauty, even in death. You met this amazing little girl in person who has done more to change the world in her short time here than you have in your entire lifetime and you have the audacity to say "I dont care about Genesis....its not important to me". I dont care if you were trying to be funny or something when you said this into D's toy. It's not funny. It never will be funny. Speaking of any dead child is never funny. And most of the time when people say that they said something while they were "kidding" its actually truer than you think. Well in this letter, everything I have to say, is not a joke. Im not kidding. This is the truth and how I feel. And yet you continued to say these things even after I asked you to please stop hurting me. You continued even after you saw the tears streaming down my face. If your goal was to hurt me, then bravo. Job well done. But for any mother to want to intentionally hurt their child, even emotionally, is just disgusting. You make me want to vomit.

Its hard enough being a single mom and not having a husband/partner to help with the day to day things and the kids. I have adjusted to this lifestyle and its not so bad anymore. The tough part though is not having anyone to talk to. Talk to about everything, including Genesis. My ex husband cares about as much about Genesis as he does about the rainbows. And have I mentioned he has never met the rainbows? yea. He abandoned all 3 of our children. So the one person that went through it with me on a parental level isnt even here to talk to about her. You, however, were also with me during that long journey. You were there during the first ultrasound where you saw Genesis bouncing around. It moved you to tears, remember? You were there when we were told that she couldnt live, remember? You sat with Michael and I and just cried and cried with us. You were there while I was being induced and in labor with her. You even watched her be born. You met her even before I did and saw her in her full beauty before the changes of death started to happen. Even I didnt get to see her like that. I resent that you had that and not me. I resent that you have taken all that for granted and have chosen to take yet the same path again. And excuse my language but just because you dont give a shit about your dead baby doesnt mean that I should do the same. At first Genesis meant something to you... maybe not as much as she does to me, but she was something. Now you have decided to walk down the 'I dont give a shit' path again. And you know, that is your choice to make. I can respect accept acknowledge that. But what I will not tolerate is for you to have these feelings and to be a part of my life and my kids lives. 

Our relationship has deteriorated during the last 6 years or so. I never wanted it to be like this, but here we are. What I was really trying to tell you yesterday was not so much about the picnic but about my life as  BLM and how Genesis affects my life. You have never given me the opportunity to express myself fully because you either interrupt me, shoot me down or just plane ignore me and walk away. We are adults and can have a mature conversation. Im not asking you if my way of coping with life is the right way or if its how you would cope. Im not asking for permission to speak Genesis name. I am simply trying to tell you how my life is and what is important to me. So I will put it out here in full for the first and last time for you.

I became a mother even before Genesis was born. As soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day 2006, I was a mother. I fell instantly in love. On March 16th 2007 I was physically able to hold my daughter in my arms and fully embrace the fact that I was a mother. Sadly Genesis stay was cut drastically short. But her time here on Earth did not determine how long I was a mother. She forever made me a mother regardless of if I were to have anymore children. My first two years of grief was not even comprehendible. I had no time to really grieve for Genesis the way I wanted to. This was because Michael left me while I was pregnant with D. I was beyond terrified of how I was going to do this as a single mom. Then he stole every dime I had in my savings account. Dont you remember? He committed bank fraud and pop and Stefan even went to his work to try and get the thousands of dollars he stole back. Of course he didnt give a penny back and even called security on them. Then if you recall, only a matter of weeks later I lost my job. Yes, the company I worked for at the time went bankrupt. And that wasnt all... I had put in lots of overtime during the holiday season to make up for the fact that I had just lost 50% of my income when Michael left. And all that hard work and time that I put in was in vain because they refused to pay me. Literally to this day I have yet to see a penny for the time that I had worked. So I was a pregnant single mom who was now unemployed. I went on job interview after job interview and I was qualified and they liked me and everything but no one hired me because I was pregnant. So jobless I remained for a total of 11 months. Dont you remember? Those times were so stressful, so insane that I hardly had the energy and courage to breathe let alone remember Genesis the way I wanted to. Not to mention I was 100% alone in my grief as I had not found the BLM community online that has brought me such support now. So this last year was really the first year I have been able to remember Genesis the way I want. It has felt incredible and its good for me. It's almost like really grieving for the first time. 

Genesis is my daughter. She will always be my daughter. I have 3 children. I hold two in my arms and one in my heart. I love her as much as I do my living children. She is terribly missed every. single. day. of. my. life. She has taught me so very much in her short stay here. She has made me a better person. She and my rainbows make my life rich. I love talking about my kids. All of them. Even Genesis. She did exist. I felt her kick. I gave birth to her and I held her. Ive looked into her beautiful face. She did happen. And to pretend she didnt is a great injustice to humanity. 

I love her in a different way than I love my rainbows. Not because I want to, but because there is no other way since she isnt here. I cant tell her I love her to her face. I cant hold and hug her and give her 10 million kisses. I cant take her to the park and do fun things with her. So instead the only way I can show my love and how important she still is to me is by doing things in her name. Like Walk To Remember LA, like Names On The Sidewalk, like Written From The heart, like my campaign on folic acid awareness... like speaking her name and teaching her siblings about her. I know you think that all those things I do are a joke. I know you and the family laugh at me behind my back. But if you only knew how many families I have touched because of Genesis. Then maybe you would know how Genesis has changed the lives of so many. Her name and story is spoken of across the seas and in different lands. Has your name and story reached that far? I didnt think so. But not only are these things I do in my grieving and keeping her memory alive, but its also healing for me. Its part of my recovery... not that I will ever be fully recovered.

So to be judged over something I have no control over; her dying and then the way that I love her and keep her name alive, is just an injustice. I have said it before and I will say it again: To have survived the most horrific event in once's life only to be sentenced to a lifetime of eternal judgement is a tragedy. Why do you judge? What is the problem with me saying her name? What is the problem with me donating memory boxes in her name? What is the problem of my writing children's names on the sidewalk? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? AND HOW DOES IT INVOLVE YOU? The answer is it doesnt. Maybe you are upset that you have had nothing in your life that has motivated you to want to be a better person. Maybe you are upset that you have not done any selfless acts to help another. Whatever it is, frankly, I dont care. There is no excuse that can justify your behavior. None. 

So with that Id like to say that anyone that chooses to be a part of my life has to accept all my children. Yes, all 3 of them, including Genesis. We are a package deal. You cant have me without my 3 children. Thats it. This rule applies to everyone. Weather it be friends or family. If you have a problem with any of my children then you have a problem with me. So for that reason I have chosen to distance myself from you and only surround myself with people who love and care about me and my children. So I leave you with that and I hope that one day you will see what a huge loss it will be getting to know all your grandchildren. 


PrincessKalico said...

Glad to see you get this out on (digital) paper. Although she may never get to read it you don't need to bottle that stuff up. I'm so proud of you for taking charge of your feelings and doing what you have to do to feel better. Genesis will be forever loved just like all of your children. She is so lucky to have a mother that loves her as much as you do.

Raquel said...

Sorry you are having a rough time. Thinking of you xoxoxo

The Anglin Family said...

This made me cry--because I just don't understand why your mom treats you so badly--and not just about Genesis. I'm just so sorry you have to deal with this and you and your mother have such a broken relationship. This letter was beautifully written, and I hope it helped you a little to get it out. Youre in my prayers right now. Hold your ha

The Anglin Family said...

Sorry-my comment got cut off. Hold your head up and be proud of your good works and taking care of those sweet babies you have. I'm sure Genesis would be very proud of you. You're a great mom to all 3.:)

Life Without You said...

Oh Tiffany this broke my heart..Iam so sorry family doesn't understand i love how you put it and well said..i love you and your 3 babies..Genesis is proud of her mama..Iam here if you ever need me

Sarita Boyette said...

This is such a good letter to your mom - heartbreaking, yes, but you spell it all out for her. I only wish she could read it and take it to heart. I'm appalled that she has hit you and spit on you! I was thinking last night about you & what your mom did - the only thing I can come up with is she might be very jealous of any attention you are giving Genesis. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but might be a reason. Sending many hugs & love to you.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I'm slowly catching up. I'm sorry that your mom is behaving the way she is. It breaks my heart that she has treated you the way she has, not one deserves to be treated like that esp by their mom. Sending you love and strength.

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