Monday, December 27, 2010

More mail

I got an amazing package from a new BLM friend I recently blogged about (she shall remain nameless in case she doesn't want to be known). Even though we have not *known* each other long, I swear it feels like we have been life long friends. And I know that is where we are headed too ;) I find this in the mail today:

Look at how beautiful that is! I have no idea how she did that glitter decor but its amazing. The picture does not do it justice. It's addressed to Genesis and I <3 data-blogger-escaped-are="" data-blogger-escaped-daughter="" data-blogger-escaped-her="" data-blogger-escaped-i="" data-blogger-escaped-ladybugs="" data-blogger-escaped-s="" data-blogger-escaped-the="">thing. So when I saw them I immediately felt the love from both her and her baby. I opened it to find this gorgeous hand made card:

She remembered the dragonflies in this most beautiful card! I can't tell you how much this card touched me. It made me cry happy tears. I found this along with the card:

See the ladybugs? I love how this mama sends me the love she has for her little girl. I opened it to find this inside:

Another adorable ladybug. I love it! And she remembered that yellow is Genesis thoughtful! And this was wrapped up inside:

Omg how cute!!! And this was just the box the surprise was in. How cute that she remembered Genesis even on the box. And last but not least, here was what was inside:

The most beautiful dragonfly earrings ever! And they are purple!!! Purple is one of my favorite colors! And she didn't even know that, I don't think lol and did you see the inside of the top of the box? Such a cute flower sticker. There was not one centimeter of this package that was not carefully thought over and touched with love from this BLM. It radiated love. I could feel the love she has for Genesis as well as the love she has for her precious daughter. This gift simply left me speechless. Really, the kindness of my BLM friends is beyond amazing. And it's not because of the material things. Those are just the cherry on top. I cannot thank you enough for the love you send me. And I briefly touched on the fact that I was out of town last week on my last post. I saw ladybug things everywhere I went. I think someone wanted me to know their mommy was thinking of Genesis and I just as I was thinking of her and her mommy. I thought I would include a picture if the earrings in action :)



Sunday, December 26, 2010

My BLMs save the day

I was feeling a little crummy after what happened with my dad. And what do you know? I got some lovely BLM mail! {love you mamas!} I got a lovely card addressed to both myself and Genesis.

I can't tell you how much I love getting mail addressed to Genesis. It's almost magical. I love cards because someone took a moment from their day to sit down and write to me and put thought into the card. Mail addressed to Genesis makes it even more special. It makes me smile to know that someone out there is thinking of my baby too. Then I got another beautiful card and here is how the inside was addressed:

I love that!! Princess Genesis... So cute! It reminds me of D who tells me all the time G is a princess. It warms my heart. Both my girls {another foreign phrase there} are princesses. And speaking of my rainbows D&G, I love how they were included in the card as well. And once again, speaking of rainbows. I went out of town this last week and look what I found:

Isn't that the coolest?! But anyway, getting back to my fabulous mail, thank you to my awesome BLM friends. I would seriously be lost without you. I have added these lovelies to Genesis blessing ring as well. I appreciate all you do for me and for keeping my baby's memory alive with me.

Forgotten once again

Yesterday my dad was talking about all the grand kids in the family. He said 5. For a minute both my sister and I looked at each other and thought that he included Genesis. I told her, "let's not give him credit just yet..." I then asked him who the 5 grand kids were. He listed D, G, my nephew A, my nephew K and.... The baby my sister in law is pregnant with. She's only 4 months along so they don't know the gender or the name yet. My parents relationship with my brother and his wife is not good... Yet my dad managed to count the 4 month gestation baby but not my daughter who was stillborn. Not my daughter who has a name. Not my daughter who he met. For a split second he made my day and I was so happy thinking he finally remembered all by himself...and then in an instant he ruined it. Of course I told him he forgot her and of course he denies forgetting saying I confused him or some crap like that. Then my mom jumped in the conversation saying that I was looking for trouble or something stupid like that. No. The only thing I was looking for... the ONLY thing I am ever looking for is for someone other than myself to remember Genesis. To remember that she is my daughter. That she is still someones niece, sister and granddaughter. All I ask is for people to remember... and it never happens. My mom went on to say that it shouldn't be a big deal because it was such a small thing to say "I have 5 grand kids..." well all I have left are the small things. What BIG things are left for Genesis? First day of school? Graduation? Getting married? Her first baby? No. She will never have any of that, so don't tell me the little things shouldn't matter. Had my dad said 6, even as "little" as that is, it would have made me so very happy. So yes, the little things matter. They matter very much.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I swear Im not crazy...

Ok so I'm gonna admit to something that is gonna sound crazy but you all can come to your own conclusion.

For years now, probably since D was born, I have felt that there may be something in the house. Some sort of presence or something. Every single time I would wash dishes I would feel a tickle on the back of my neck/ upper back area. I could never figure out what it was.

Then ever time I would change D's diaper I felt someone was behind me. The changing table is on the opposite side as the nursery door so when I change him my back is to the door and there is a hallway. And every time I would get that feeling D, even as an infant, would stare behind me without even blinking his eyes. That really freaked me out.

Both these things always happened in the evening and at night. Another thing that had happened many times was as I was in bed I would feel little tickles on my arms or legs or something. The first time I felt it I thought a bug got in the room, but I turned on the light and there was nothing. It kept happening a couple of times a night and I couldn't figure it out. I figured maybe it's because the fan was on and it was making a thread from the sheets move on me or something. (yes I still sleep with a fan on low in the winter as it's VERY hot in my apartment) So I passed of the tickles to be nothing and have tried to ignore them.

This morning there was no ignoring what happened. I was just waking up, it was around 6:30 am. I'm trying to go back to sleep and I feel what can only be described as a tip of a finger poke my middle back and then run down to my waist. It was not a tickle... It was so firm that it actually made me jump from the surprise.

Now I have no idea what happened or what it was but something did happen. I thought I would share and see what you all think... Besides that I've lost my marbles lol

Monday, December 20, 2010

Movie Review and then some

So I'm gonna give you all the rundown of my experience of going to watch The Rabbit Hole and a little background info leading up to it. {I tried not to give away too much of the movie, though we all know pretty much how it goes...but if you want to be totally surprised you may want to skip reading this post}

Initially I wanted to go in the morning but the plans kind of got thrown off because of my mom. We opted to go see the 1:55 showing at the Arclight in Hollywood. Then at the last minute my mom invited my sister to come with us. I guess I have nothing against her coming but I know she doesn't really give a damn about what I go through as a BLM... Or at least that's how I feel. I mean...why can't my mom just come with me to show me support that she cares and not make it about anyone else? My dad did the same thing when we went to the BLM BBQ...he brought my sister along and it was weird because she really has no connection to the BLM community even though she lost a niece when Genesis died. Maybe it's because she is still so young and doesn't get it. But anyway, moving along.

So my mom, sister, G and I went to movies together. I had been wanting to see this movie since I first blogged about it. The Arclight isn't too far from us but it's not close either. Plus today was a very rainy day and driving in LA is CRAZY! But I was determined to see this movie despite the rain. If any of you know me really well and you know how much I hate to drive, especially in LA traffic and in the rain... so I really made an effort to see this movie.

So while we are driving my mom mentions that she wanted to take a trip to Monterey and to go see the Monterey Bay Aquarium. And this caused me to flashback to my last trip to Monterey. 

It was May 2007, just 8 weeks after Genesis died. My husband and I took this trip for our 3 year wedding anniversary. It was our last anniversary and trip together before he left me. We stopped by my family's house to say hi and that was the trip that a relative saw my bracelet that said "Genesis" and she asked what that was about. When I told her it was my daughters name she replied "your daughter?" with the most confused and disgusted voice. I never forgot that. So I mentioned all this in our conversation. My mom mentioned that "one by one she is straightening the relatives out." I was confused by this an asked her what she was talking about. She said that she spoke with a relative who just lost her father-in-law yesterday. So the conversation was about death and what they planned to do and how to go about doing it. My mom says that she brought up Genesis in the conversation saying "It was so very hard when my granddaughter died...only our family got to meet her...." according to my mom, this relative asked if the baby was buried and my mom told her she was cremated. I guess she asked a few questions and my mom answered them for her. This meant a lot to me. That my mom was not afraid to speak Genesis' name to my family members and that my family member asked some questions about Genesis. This was the first time I've heard anyone speak about her outside of me bringing her up. I couldn't help but cry when she told me this. I thanked her and told her she didnt know how much that meant to me and that I really appreciated it. So already I was already emotional on our drive to the theatre. 

We arrived at the Arclight with 10 minutes to spare before the movie started. This was my first time here and I was in awe of how  big this place was. Here are some pics of the theatre:

We got in and got in line to buy our tickets. Immediately I notice the prices. $13.50 A TICKET! (I remember when it used to cost $4.75 a movie) What the heck is going on? That is just ridiculous! I thought $10 was a lot at the AMC by our house but this was seriously robbery. But I really wanted to see this movie and thankfully my mom was paying since money was tight but I still intend to pay back every dime but really that was still a lot for anyone to pay but I decided it was ok since this movie was so important to me. Then the bomb dropped. They told me that they had to charge G for a ticket. Yes, you heard me right. And not a child's price or anything. They wanted to charge her $13.50 to ender the theatre. Is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard? I must have given her a look like she had two heads or something. I was like you have got to be joking. I refused to have them charge an infant who wasnt even going to be taking a seat nor watching the movie. And excuse my french but that was complete bullshit. I asked who I could speak to about this and she referred me to guest services. I stated how appalled I was by this "rule" and asked if she realized how insane it was. She refused to answer me saying she didnt make the rules. I told her I knew she personally didnt make the rules but I told her that from one human being to another do you think its logical to charge an infant an adults price to enter the movie theater when she wasnt even watching the movie? And I myself will probably miss parts when she gets fussy and I need to get up... and instead they want to charge me double for a movie I probably was not going to get to see in its entirety. Again no response from her. Only that she didnt make the rules and they discourage people from bringing kids. Well this is NOT the way to discourage people. If you dont want kids here then put a freaking banner on the website and a sign on your doors saying NO KIDS ALLOWED. But this was just crazy. I refused to have my mom pay for an infant. My mom had already bought her ticket as well as my sisters and my ticket while I was talking to the guest services lady. When I saw that this woman wasnt gonna budge I told them to return the tickets and that we should just go home and that it was ridiculous to have to pay this for G. 

As I was telling them this I couldn't help but start to tear up. I had been looking forward to this for so long and it was all for nothing. I couldn't help it since I was already emotional and I started to actually cry. And all in front of the lady. She must have thought that I was a freaking nut. Well seeing me cry tugged on her heart strings and said "awww dont cry... no need to cry... here, Ill tell you what. Ill give you a guest pass for the baby this one time so you wont have to pay." She went on to say "I know it must be tough to get out of the house with a baby...." I told her "you know it means a lot to me to come and see this movie. I had a daughter die and thats the reason I came to see it. I connect with this movie. Thats why I am so emotional." I thanked her for her kindness and made my to the theatre. I have to tell you, I felt like such an idiot for crying and I really did not expect a freebie. I know it was Genesis doing this for me. But honestly, I am never going back there because of how ridiculous it is to charge for babies. And yea she is right, it is tough for me to go to the movies. The last movie I saw was The Women [2 years ago]. 

But anyway, we found our seats and there were about 10 other people in the theatre. Not surprising as it was just before 2:00 in the afternoon on a Monday. As the lights dimmed I could already feel myself holding my breath for the moving to start... and the tears... again. 

I think overall they did a great job at portraying the life of a BLM. Though the boy in the movie died at age 4, I could still connect with the emotions. There were things that were said and situations that have come up that I personally have had to deal with after Genesis died so I think it was pretty accurate. I really connected with one of the other characters. She was in the group therapy and she and her husband introduced themselves to the main characters and mentioned that she has been in therapy for 8 years. Then Nicole Kidman's mother had been a BLM for 11 years. Im glad they put this in as it shows that its not something that you get over quickly... or ever. I also connected with the fact that another character's husband left her. I could feel her pain since I too had been down that path. So many scenes tugged at my heart and as expected I cried. There were a few times where G was a little fussy and so as to not disturb others I went to the hallway on the side of the theatre and watched there for a few minutes. Even standing in the hallway the tears streamed down my face. All in all the movie was everything I expected and everything I had hoped for. 

There was a scene that spoke to me. I cant recall the exact quote and since its not online yet I cant tell you word for word what was said. But the main character's mother describes her grief as a brick. A brick that is in her pocket. Its always there, no way to get rid of it. At times you forget about it and get used to it being there. And when you go and reach for something else in your pocket, you are reminded time and time again that the brick is there. I love that comparison. Its so very true. Its like the grief is weighing you down to an extent. She goes on to say that its always there. It will never go away and that thats ok. That its fine that its always there. She was trying to say that the way we grieve is fine... its normal. It was such a touching scene from a veteran BLM to one just entering this new world and finding her way. Another great scene was at the end where the main character asked "what are we gonna do?" and the husband went into great detail about a bbq. I love that they were trying to say that a BLM  takes it a minute at a time, maybe even an hour at a time. But to look to far ahead is something we most likely cannot do.

We sat through all the credits and waited to get up till the lights came back on. My mom and sister were a little disappointed with the ending. I asked them "Well how did you think it was gonna end?" My mom replied that she thought they would get pregnant and have another baby. I told them that I was pretty sure they didnt have that in the movie because having a kid is not a quick fix. It doesnt take away what happened. That was the point they were trying to make. As I said this I could tell the 3 older people behind us were watching me {and my swollen crying face} say this and they nodded their heads in agreement. I couldn't help but think they were BLMs too. They got the movie just like I did. On our drive home we talked about the movie some more. My sister asked why would you be so sad like that everyday. I replied with "what choice do you have? its either that or you kill yourself." (at least that was my reasoning) She replied "well you dont have to go to either extreme." I told her that as an outsider looking into the life of a BLM, it is really easy to judge and unless you have walked these same steps you will never understand. Its just not possible to choose to be happy. Its just not possible... at least that has been my experience. 

I truly hope that this has opened their eyes about the kind of world that I live in. My rainbows are most definitely blessings and I treasure every minute of everyday with them. But they are not the quick fix. Yes in my experience they have helped me by bringing joy to my life but I will never be who I was before. I will never be that happy and carefree ever again.

One last thing that caught my eye was the description of the movie they had online. The last few sentences read like this:

"Yet, as off track as they are, the couple keeps trying to find their way back to a life that still holds potential for beauty, laughter and happiness. The resulting journey is an intimate glimpse into two people learning to re-engage with each other and a world that has been tilted off its axis." 

That was just perfect. Thats exactly it... our world has been tilted off its axis. Very well said. All in all I highly recommend seeing this. Bring the tissues... or really, roll of paper towels with you though. It is an intense movie with a range of emotions. I am most definitely going to buy this once it comes out on DVD.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Rabbit Hole

So I see that The Rabbit Hole is now out in theaters. Though I dont know how long its been out. I imagine only a couple of weeks, if that. When they said "showing at select theaters", they really meant it! Im lucky to find two local theaters that are showing this. Aside from those two the closest place playing it was in another state! No joke!

I just knew that I wanted to go see this and see it soon. Soon like, tomorrow soon. I wanted to see it in the morning for a couple of reasons. Im more of a morning person than I am evening and more importantly I know that not a lot of people are there in the morning and there will be less people there to stare at me when I leave the theatre sobbing. I would have loved to go with a BLM friend but all my local BLM friends are working. I really dont want to go alone. Some people like doing that and I admire people who do. It takes a secure person to do that. Im not that person. Not yet anyway. 

My mom agreed to come with me. I kind of wanted her to come to get a glimpse of what I go through. To understand my world a little better. Im hoping it doesnt backfire. Now I am faced with another little dilemma. What to do with the rainbows. I certainly dont want the rainbows crying or making noise to disturb the movie not only for myself but for others. I also dont want to hurt any BLMs in the audience that have no living children by bringing mine. At the same time I dont want G to be left crying at home with my dad not knowing what to do. Its tough, ya know? So we came up with a compromise, D will stay with his grandpa while my mom and I go with G to see the movie. As long as Im nursing her she will be quite. And in the dark no other BLMs will even see that she is there. So tomorrow is the day and I will come back and report on it. Ill try not to give anything away, though based on the previews and going through this very struggle ourselves, Im sure we all know how the movie goes.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

What's left of her

Genesis' ashes were given to me in a white rectangular box. I've never really considered it an urn, though I suppose that's the function is serves. It's rather large considering how little of her was left. It has a paper taped around it stating that she is inside and the date she was cremated. It came with a red velvet bag to be carried in along with the permit to have the ashes. I have it put away in her memory box. {I hope you dont mind me sharing a photo of it}

As I just mentioned, there was very little left after she was cremated. After all, she was tiny at nearly 21 weeks gestation.
She was about the size of one of those Bratz dolls (bigger than a barbie). I remember when I first received her ashes the box seemed to be empty. I kind of gently shook it to see if I could hear anything inside and I could hear what sounded like mere particles of dust, and even then I had to strain to really hear anything. At times I have been tempted to open it and look inside and see what is actually left of my daughter... But I can never bring myself to do it. I'm not sure if that's a weird thing to want to do. At any rate one thing I know 100% I want to do is keep her ashes with me forever. I want her with me for as long as I live. And when if I die, I want her ashes with me wherever I am. Some family have asked why don't I scatter her ashes somewhere meaningful... And if there were more of her I probably would sprinkle some in a few special places. But there is so little in there I'd feel like I'm throwing what little I have of her away. I have so few things of hers and this is all I have left to hang on to that she physically left behind. So I have decide that I want to buy her a pretty urn. Not the plastic white box that is sealed with tape she is in now. Though I have to tell you... The thought of opening it and moving her ashes terrifies me. I don't know how I'll react. I'm scared that there is even less than I thought was inside. I'm scared I will spill some. Though I think she deserves something prettier than what she has now, that white box is a part of her history and I don't think I could get rid of it. I want to keep every last particle and I'm afraid some will get lost in the transfer. Because of this I am scared. Though I've decided it's what I want to do, I have no idea when.

And in kind of a related grandmother who I hold very very dear is getting very old. She just turned 90 in August and her health is going downhill. Everyday she is here with us is truly a blessing. There was a time where we didnt think she would make it to her 90th birthday. Or to the end of the year. I think she will make it till the end of the year but next year is a big question mark. In conversation with my mom a few days ago when we were talking about loved ones that had passed and then my grandma, I asked what plans they had for her when that day would come. Though there is no need to actively plan yet, they have has a few talks about what she wanted to have done. She wants to be cremated. I asked my mother if and when that should happen, if she might give me some of the ashes as she is a huge part of my life. I love her like a second mom. I would love to have her ashes together with Genesis. Its the only way she would ever know of Genesis in this world. {if you recall, when I told her I was pregnant with Genesis she had started to develop alzheimer's. So when she died, my grandma didnt even remember that I was pregnant. I didnt want to cause her any heartache so I never told her} My mom seemed to agree to do this. I say seemed because she didnt say no and said that might be a good idea. Also that way there would be more ashes to actually have in the new urn. I really liked this idea. So I am in no rush to do this and I hope its many many years from now as I would hate to ever lose my dear grandmother.   

Lovin me some mail

I've been wanting to post about this for a few days now but been so busy I have not found time until now. I got some lovely BLM mail and look what was sent to me. [see photo to the left]

Isn't that the cutest thing? No seriously, how talented is this mama?! And not to mention so thoughtful and loving! I can feel the love that was put into this. Every stitch (is that what it's called) was made with a full heart.

And a close BLM friend actually came by and dropped of something very special for me. She made a special trip just to do this for me and in the rain, which if you knew what driving in the rain was like, was such a huge act of kindness. She 'baked' this: [see photo below to the right]

I think it's called a cinnamon ornament, though I'm not for sure. And can I just say how YUMMY this smells! Although I'm told it's not edible, I seriously wanna take a bite out of it hahaha! This lovely mama baked this and many other cinnamon ornaments for other BLMs despite the incredibly busy work schedule she is dealing with right now. How thoughtful and kind is that!? And don't worry I'm not gonna eat it lol! I'm going to add it to Genesis' scrapbook. It would make a lovely addition. Once again I thank you lovely women for your acts of kindness. BLMs (the majority anyway) have the biggest hearts.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A new tab

Some of you may have noticed that there is a new tab up at the top of this blog. Its the "Folic Acid Resources" tab. I wanted to stress the importance of folic acid not just while TTC and in early pregnancy, but in everyday life. If you are anywhere between your early teens and 40's, you need to read this section. Whether or not you are trying for a baby doesnt matter. 50% of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned. By the time a mother finds out she is pregnant its more than likely too late to do anything about folic acid consumption. 

I am a huge advocate on folic acid. I give all my clients information on this (did you know Im a doula?) even though that information isnt really helpful in their current pregnancy, they are certainly going to find it useful for the next pregnancy. This information could possibly save your baby's life. So please help spread the importance of folic acid in women of childbearing age. 

An update to my reply

I got an email letting me know they received my application for adding Genesis' name to the garden. The next city council meeting is going to be January 10th, 2011. It was supposed to be 2 weeks from now but because of the holidays it pushed it back a bit. This would be a most excellent way to begin 2011.

And thank you all for your encouraging comments on my last post about the application. I'm still worried she may not be approved because this memorial garden is for "the children of South Pasadena" and though I consider myself to have been a child of South Pasadena, Genesis was not. I hope for my sake and for Genesis memory they allow it. I guess it's the pessimist in me. I'm already figuring ways to have them reconsider, ways to petition and even pay more to make this happen. I hope it doesn't get to that. I pray they honor a grieving mother's wish.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I feel the need to blog but dont really know where to start. This blog is primarily for anything related to Genesis. But a very small percentage of it is just to vent... probably like 0.01%. This is one of those posts.

I only put so much of myself out there on the internet. Weather it be here on my blog or on my facebook page. Yes, of course, facebook is more into my daily life while this place is more about Genesis. But even if you follow my blogs and are my friend on facebook, that doesnt mean you know every single detail of my life. Im sure the same can be said about all of you. We only know so much about each other and we kind of overlook all the gaps of what we dont know. 

Well sadly, I have had a few people who have judged me based on photos that I put online. They want to jump to conclusions about my way of parenting. And my way of grieving for my child. And to those that want to point the finger at me, remember that when you do that, you have three more fingers pointing back at yourself. Who are you to judge? Really? If you are a BLM and we have walked parallel paths who are you to say that your way of grieving is the only way? Or that my way is wrong? And Im going on almost 4 years without her and you say thing like I should be over it... well it has a name in case you haven't been reading my blog. Her name is Genesis. And I will grieve for her for the rest of my life. And if you dont like it then that is your problem. I dont make you read my blog. Those of you that read it are here because you are offering support to me, maybe even finding a little strength and hope from my posts that you can take away with you or maybe you just think its a good read. (I hope its those things anyway) 

Just because we are BLMs and connected on this terrible level doesnt mean that we are all exactly the same. Our stories are different. Our feelings are different. Our grieving is different. Our situations are different. No two people are alike. And if we have rainbows, our children are not alike. One thing that holds true for all of us I think, is that we have been through enough grief in life to last us a lifetime. So why add to it by turning on each other? We certainly dont need that.

For BLM and non BLM alike who have kids... you can raise your kids anyway you want. You know what is best for you and your family just like I know what is best for me and mine. I cant stand those moms that want to give you advice on what you should do and how to parent your kid especially when I didnt even ask for your opinion. Or those parents that want to go off a picture and judge your parenting. Like if your kid was photographed playing in the mud they jump to conclusions that you live like a homeless person. That you dont bathe your kids and that you cant afford to take care of them. What in the world is that? Come one, are people so closed minded that that is the way they think? Am I such an big part of your life that you must look through all my photos and then want to judge me? I had no idea I was that important to you. 

There is no one way to parent. I have my own opinions about vaccines, spankings, circumcision, co-sleeping.... even the way I clothe and love my kids...the list goes on. But I am not so close minded and ignorant as to think that everyone with different opinions than mine is wrong. Their decisions do not affect me in the least. So why would mine affect others? 

If you have seen pics of my kids on facebook let me ask you this: Do they look miserable? Does my home look filthy? Do they look malnourished? Do they look sickly? Does it look like they lack anything? Then why does it matter how I parent them if they have everything they need and more?

Sigh... I cant believe I even had to do a post on this. But here is the last thing I want to say. As BLMs dont you think we have been through enough? Why add to the daily struggles? Why add anxiety and drama? We have enough to worry about already. Weather you are on the outside looking in as non BLM or you are in this terrible club, I think the same rule applies: If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. And if you do have a problem with me or anything else that involves you, you can talk to me as a mature, respectable adult. Although once again I dont see how my parenting/ life choices include you in the least. 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I got a reply

I got a reply to the email I sent about getting Genesis' name engraved in a stone at Garfield Park yesterday. There is good news and ok news. The good news is that its only $150.00. While that is a lot to me, I know that $150.00 for this is actually a great price and a small price to pay to forever have my darling daughter in my childhood park. The ok news... I have to fill out an application and have to have my request approved. I dont know why anyone would not approve it but now I am worried that because I didnt live there when she died it wont get approved. Though keep in mind, they didnt ask me that on the application. They only asked how I am associated with the city and how the person who passed was associated with the city. Genesis would have been very much a part of the city and the park had she lived but she never had the chance. Part of me is worried that there may be a chance they wont approve it and I would be devastated. Every time I would go to the park and see the garden I would remember that she was denied to be remembered... ok, ok. Maybe Im jumping the gun here. But yea, I filled out the application and put it in the mail today. I should hear something back in 2 weeks. Please pray that they approve this.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The bad & the awesomely good

I got some BLM mail the other day. My dad was the one who got the mail and he came into the house saying "We got an odd letter today." I didnt know what he was talking about. He said that they got my moms name messed up. Which isnt really surprising in itself. My mom's first name is Magali. (It's Cuban) And her name is always written incorrectly or misspelled. So when my dad said this I wondered why he commented on it since it has been happening for decades.

He brings the card in and its addressed to Genesis Magali Lopez.
He says "what is that all about? who is that?" I quickly grabbed the card, since it was obviously meant for me, and replied "Are you kidding me? You dont know who Genesis is? She's my daughter remember?" He quickly corrected himself saying he knew who she was but didnt know that her middle name was Magali. Um, he should know as Ive mentioned it several times in the last 3 1/2 years. Sigh. At any rate, I didnt let his comment get me down. I was just so excited to have anything that remembered Genesis. This was the first letter I have ever received addressed to her. And I LOVED it! At the same time I got another card from another BLM and she also was remembering Genesis with me.
And I know Ive said it before and I will continue to say it... I absolutely LOVE BLM mail. It is my magic happy pill.

In other news, I took my rainbows to the park yesterday. The park that I blogged about here. I cant tell you how much I love this park. My whole childhood revolves around this park. And it brings me great satisfaction to bring my rainbows here. And the new children's memorial garden has made it an even more special place for me.

Speaking of the children's memorial I was walking through it yesterday I noticed that there are now names of children that are in the garden. I dont know if it was there last time I visited and I missed it, or if this was something new they added. Either way I thought it was beautiful. I thought I would share some photos.
This little girl was murdered at the age of 7 in 1987

I went to high school with him. He was 1 yr younger than me. He died in a car accident on the way back from Vegas.

I also went to high school with her. She was a senior when I was a junior. She too died in a car accident while racing her boyfriend on the freeway.
I found myself fighting tears as I read the names. Especially the ones I posted pictures of. And then it hit me. I want Genesis' name here too. Its the most fitting place in the world for her to be. This park would be even more special than it already is for me. So I did a quick google search and found the organization in charge of establishing this memorial garden and found the section about how to add your child's name to the garden. I immediately sent them an email. As I was typing, the tears just started falling. By the time I hit 'send' I was bawling. But I felt so good sending that email and I want nothing more than to have her name here at this special, almost sacred, park. It would mean the world to me to have her special place here and my rainbows and I can come and visit her here anytime we want. Im still waiting to hear back from them. Im a little worried as to how much something like this would cost. But Ive decided no matter the price I am going to do it. Even if it takes me years of saving money.

When I got home my mom and I got to talking. And she told me that her father and her grandmother are buried in cemeteries not too far from here. This was shocking to me as I thought all our family members had been cremated. And all these years I had no idea they were within driving distance. I am determined to visit them. My grandfather passed away before I was born. He is buried at Forrest Lawn. And my great grandmother passed away when I was 18 months. She is somewhere is Oxnard. My grandfather, from what I am told, still doesnt have a headstone and my mom and dad have recently come into some money from an inheritance and getting him a head stone is on the list of things to do with this new money. 

Speaking of the money... I mentioned the memorial garden at Garfield Park and told her they have names there now and that I want Genesis name there. She thought it was a fabulous idea. I told her I emailed the organization but have no idea how much something like this would cost. I asked if she might be interested in helping pay for it. To my surprise she agreed. I cant tell you how happy that made me. I just started crying. We got to talking about Genesis. And though I was crying the whole time, I loved talking about her. 

Then later in the evening I was going to sit down write this blog post actually, and the phone rang. It was a new BLM friend that I had recently 'met' through blog land. This was the first time we had ever spoken on the phone. And even though we didnt really know each other, talking to her felt like I was talking to a long lost friend that I had known my whole life. I just know in my heart that God made our paths cross. And get this, she has a niece named Genesis. Hello?! Is that not a sign or what?! But this BLM and I connect on SO many levels. More levels than I have ever connected with any other BLM and non BLM, ever. I really think this is the start of a beautiful life long friendship. Its even deeper than friendship though... and I dont want to sound like a weirdo or anything but we are more like sisters. Sisters in the BLM world, sisters in our faith and sisters in friendship. I had been praying to meet someone like her for a long time and now my prayers have been answered. 

But we talked about everything and anything yesterday and before you knew it we had talked for almost 4 hours. 4 hours! I cant remember the last time I talked to someone for that long. But it seriously only seemed like maybe an hour at most. It was fantastic getting to know her and I enjoyed every minute of it. I look forward to watching this friendship bloom.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Genesis' first snow

I got some wonderful BLM mail today. It never ceases to amaze me how loving and kind my BLM friends are. Small little things to remind me that they care mean SO very much and totally make my day. Today I got a lovely card and this beauty:
Now isnt that unique? I would have never thought you could make a snowflake out of that! Peoples creativity is another thing that never ceases to amaze me. And of course, anything having to do with Genesis brings a smile to my face. Thank you so much to the BLM who sent this! Your card is definitely going on the blessing ring, and the snowflake is definitely going in Genesis' scrapbook. Thank you for adding to the memories.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Time for a rant

I just need to vent here for a minute. This post isnt about any one person in particular... just a bunch of people. People that are close to me, people that aren't close, family, friends, strangers, BLM's and non BLM's. Its pretty much about everyone. 

So we all know what its like to be a BLM. And for those of you that were like me that lost your first and only child, you know how badly you would rather have a crying baby than an infinitely sleeping one. I am sick and tired of moms complaining about their babies. I cant tell you how many times a day I hear someone say or read online how "bad" their baby is. They post/say things like "Im so tired...the baby kept us up again last night" or "Im so tired of her/him crying..." or "time to get away from baby..." I will be the first one to tell you that I get it. I get being tired. I get being overwhelmed sometimes. I get being sleep deprived. Im a single mom and I probably have it much harder than these people I hear saying that. (though I must say Im only going off an assumption from seeing that most if not all are in a two parent household) But the difference is I rarely complain about it. I am so glad that I am actually going through it. 

Because when Genesis died I had no baby keeping me up at night. I slept soundly. I wasnt overwhelmed by a crying baby, I had silence at home. I didnt have to spend hours putting a baby to bed, I had free time to do whatever I wanted. I could live my life and go out at the drop of a hat if I wanted to because I had no child to find a baby sitter for. What I would have given to be able to be a sleep deprived mother to a living daughter. So now that I have been and continue to go through the everyday things of being a mother to living children I rarely complain that my child is... well, living. I treasure it. 

But it bothers me even more so when I hear BLMs say these things. Once again, I know where they are coming from, I do. And Im not talking about saying it once in a while when you just about at your wits end and frazzled. Im referring to the people that I have crossed paths with that I hear/read saying this on a regular everyday basis. One of my BLM friends likes to refer to these types of people as "forgot where I came from BLMs" because they went through not having a child here to take care of. And now that they have 1 or 2 or however many they are complaining about it. They wanted a rainbow or 2 or 3, they got it/them and now they are complaining about it.

Maybe its only human to complain every once in a while....but like I said this isnt the "once in a whiles" Im talking about. But I cant help but to stop and think every time I hear/ see this and think that they already have a zero maintenance baby who no longer is here... I dont know... I really dont know what more to say about this... Like I said, its just a rant and I wanted to get my frustrations out... so there you have it. Its out.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Yesterday a quote was floating around facebook that was said by none other than Elizabeth Edwards. It probably began because she actually passed yesterday... so very sad. But her words hold true and Id like to share them with you and perhaps it will make it to the eyes and ears of those not in the BLM community and they will know its ok to speak our children's name.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and ...that is a great gift." 

~ Elizabeth Edwards

I really hate to think of death and dying but I bet that her son, whom she lost due to a car accident at the age of 16, was on her mind everyday of her life, including yesterday as she knew she would finally be reunited with him. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Maybe I dont give him enough credit

Im talking about D, my first rainbow. He seems to be understanding and grasping more than I thought about Genesis. He has finally understood that G is his sister. Just now I was telling him that he actually has two sisters. I told him Genesis name and he repeated it. So I said, where is G? and he points to G. Where is mommy? and he points to me. Where is D? and he points to himself. Then I asked him a tough one. One I have never asked before, nor have I told him the answer before. I asked him, where is Genesis? I had no idea how he would respond. He immediately pointed to his heart and said "right here". His response kind of shocked me and I thought maybe it was a fluke so I asked two more times. He did and said the same thing but this time also said Genesis was "right here" and placed his hand on both his heart and G's heart. I couldn't help but start crying. D got worried when he saw me crying and said "dont worry mommy, Im here." And I had to ask again, where is Genesis? And while looking at me dead in the eye through my tears he said "she's right here." I asked again "she's right here?" and he said "yes mommy." I cant tell you the emotions that brought out of me. Its like he was telling me that she was in his heart and that she was a part of both him and G...which is true. Im seriously still in awe of what just happened... so with that, I guess Ill leave you with a photo of the sunset I took a few days ago which also left me in awe. The most beautiful sunset I think I have ever seen here.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A rainbow baby book

My rainbows are young as you know, so they have not gotten to the point of asking questions about life yet. I speak of Genesis to them every once in a while but they dont really grasp it yet. I am anxious about the day they are old enough to understand. Its a mixture of emotions. Im happy to be telling them all about their big sister who is so very important to us still and yet heart broken that this is how they will get to "know" their sister. I really dont even know where to start with telling them. That was until now.

Today I came across this book called "Someone Came Before You." I think its absolutely the perfect book for rainbow babies. And especially fitting if you lost your first child. There seem to be plenty of books for older kids that were awaiting the arrival of a younger sibling, but I had yet to find something specifically for rainbow babies. I am most definitely going to get this for my rainbows. Thought I would share this with you all.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Full of blessings

I finished adding all the cards and mail (that includes my BLM mail) I have ever received regarding Genesis onto the blessing ring. I thought I would share the photos with you all.

I decided to hang it on the doorknob of the nursery. Yes, Genesis' nursery...(and of course its gone on to be my rainbows nursery as well) Its just sad really... that was the very crib I bought for her, the dragonfly mobile was hers too, the toys inside, even the rocker to the right of the crib (got cut off in photo) was bought for her. I painted the willow tree and koi pond mural just for her and of course with dragonflies all over the room. She never got to see or use any of that...instead I have the blessing ring in her room. Sigh...

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Blessing Ring & Plaque

I had come across another blog of a BLM a while ago {Im embarrassed to say that I dont remember which blog this was as I follow so many I lost track} who mentioned she made a blessing ring for her baby that was no longer here. {btw they can pretty much be used for any purpose} This caught my attention and intrigued me. I had never heard of a blessing ring before. They are sometimes referred to as "Doorknob Blessing Rings" because you hang it from a doorknob most of the time. So you may be asking yourself 'so what is it?' It's a silver ring for holding keepsakes and hangings. Its usually accented with ribbons, bows and beads or any charms you would like to include. The BLMs that I have seen have this will include cards or letters that have to do with their child that passed. {though many people have some for weddings and graduations and such, to keep all the cards in one place. And not to mention its super cute and totally unique!}

I finally got a blessing ring for Genesis to attach all the congratulatory and sympathy cards as well as my BLM mail to. Check it out:

This is a photo of the front and back of the initial "G". Here is what it says in case you cant read it:

"The Blessing Ring- Our Heavenly Father has given us many blessings. Blessings are not only kind words of encouragement but ACTS of encouragement, love and praise. The Blessing Ring holds these things. Whether you are blessed with a thoughtful card, have a picture of a touching moment, are reminded of a Bible verse, or give a token of love.... Punch a hole in it and string it on your Blessing Ring. I have given you this because you are a blessing to me."

Isnt that the most beautiful thing? Im in the process of punching holes in all my blessings {well the ones that can be strung on this} and you better believe there will be more photos once I have them all attached. To all of you that have sent me a card or a picture or dropped a line, thank you so very much for caring. You truly are a blessing.

Along with the blessing ring, I also got a wall plaque for Genesis. I have a photo of each of my rainbows that was made into a magnet with one of their newborn photos on my fridge and I had yet to have anything for Genesis on my fridge. I always felt she was missing. Well not anymore. This is what I got for her:
It has her name and the following scripture:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." -Jeremiah 1:5

Again, truly beautiful. And I have it hanging on my fridge along with the photos of my rainbows. This reminds me of the hope I have of seeing my dear Genesis again one day because God knew her and still remembers her even if everyone else does not. 

And you wanna know something really awesome? It was one of my very own BLM friends that made both of these beautiful items. Please check out my friend Katy's Etsy Store to get your very own personalize blessing ring and plaque and so much more!

I got a nice surprise today

I had to head on over to the Apple Store to get my iphone looked at. I had a customer service rep make me an appointment for today to go to the "Genius Bar." I had never made one of these appointments before nor had I any clue as to what a "Genius Bar" was. So I get there and check in and wait for my name to be called. There were a few people a head of me so the I was expecting to hear a ton of names called before my name was called. As I sat down they called the first name that I had heard since being there. The guy walked up right beside me and yelled out, "GENESIS." It took me back for a moment. Part of me felt like he was calling me, you know...Genesis' mom. But of course a lady walked up to him and had her ipod looked at. It just made my day to have a little wink like this.

A Cherry On Top

I have been received this so adorably awesome blog award by not 1, not 2...but 3 BLMs! How sweet are you all! I thank you for reading and sharing this journey with me. To know that you all are genuinely interested in my life and how Im doing and what goes on means the world to me. I look up to so many of you as well.

Well it is my turn to pass this award to some awesome people as well. Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

So in no particular order here are my 5:

1. Tiffany at Holy Pee Stick, Batman
2. Angie at Expectations Revised
3. Meghan at Pinkskys and Dragonflys
4. Megan at Wyatt's Whisper
5. Kalialani at The Butterfly Room

{know that I want to award this to all my lovely BLM blogger friends but it would take me an eternity to list you all. You all get one in my book} 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I guess she was listening

The other day while at dinner, my mother asks in casual conversation if there are any movies out that I want to see. I of course bring up 'The Rabbit Hole'. While I was explaining what it was about and why I wanted to see it, I could see in my mom's face that she already lost interest and gave me the "i-dont-want-to-hear-anymore-about-dead-babies" look. I honestly thought she had stopped listening and was just robotically nodding her head. And as quickly as the subject was brought up, it passed.

Then today I get a call in the morning from my mom to turn on the TV to channel 7. And that Nichole Kidman was being interviewed and that she was talking about 'The Rabbit Hole'. Its such a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me that she remembered and then even called me to have me see it because she knew it interested me. I just hope its not one step forward and three backwards here. I hope that this is the start of her acknowledging what is important to me. Heck...its taken almost 4 yrs, its about time.

It's done

I finished {99%} the scrapbook. Ill probably add to it over time as well. I took some pictures to share with you all. Its not all the pictures. And I did omit from sharing Genesis' actual photo. There seems to me quite a few "trolls" online that steal photos of our babies that have passed and turn it into something detestable. So for that reason I have not publicly put Genesis' photo out there. Well here it is. Enjoy! {btw Im so a beginner to scrapbooking, so I know it isnt great but its a good starting point}

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