Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I didnt think this would be so hard

In my last post I told you all about the scrapbook I bought for Genesis. I went on my computer to see if I could gather up all the photos I could find of anything relating to her. Specifically pictures of myself while I was pregnant with her. I found a few. Most of them had my ex husband in the photo. I have yet to decide if I want to crop him out or just exclude them all together. But seeing those photos...being taken back to that time and place just brought me to tears last night. 

I was very ill with Genesis. Im pretty sure I had hyperemesis Gravidarum, though I never made it far enough to even get an official diagnosis from my OB. I remember I would throw up so much that by the end of the day I was throwing up blood from how raw my esophagus was. Breathing and swallowing hurt because of how much I threw up. Dont get me wrong, if it could have saved her, I would have gladly gone through it the whole 9 months. But its evident from the photos I did find I was not feeling well. I wish I had given a real smile.

But about the photos I found... I went whale watching when I was pregnant with her. I look back at that trip fondly. I also went to the La Brea Tar Pits while I was pregnant with her. I have one photo there of my "hardly showing" belly which brings me to tears. And lastly, I remember going to the beach and watching the sunset. I dont have any photos of the beach trip though. I remember being in complete peace and total love as I sat there on the cool sand watching the sky turn deep shades of orange and yellow. I took in every salty breath and just hugged my baby bump. Just dreaming of the future.

Had I only known...

Monday, November 29, 2010


Thank you all for your wonderful ideas on my last post about how to create a memory book/ scrapbook for Genesis despite the very few pictures I have. I decided that Im going to do a scrapbook! I headed out to the arts and crafts store today and got the MOST. GORGEOUS. SCRAPBOOK. I. HAVE. EVER. SEEN. No, really. I was looking for a scrapbook. Not just any scrapbook, it had to be perfect. Ya know? And despite the tons and tons of books they had I didnt see any really jump out at me. Yes some were very beautiful but none really said it should be Genesis'. So I settled for one and was ready to go pay for it... and then I saw it. The really gorgeous one. It was in a different section. I guess someone moved it. But I took one look at it and said thats it. Thats the one. Although its covered in butterflies (and dragonflies are her thing) it still said 'Im so very special and unique' just like Genesis. Im very tempted to post a photo of it but Id like to share it with you all once its done. Im very excited to start working on it and eventually sharing it with you.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

So few memories....

I was reading Franchesca's blog post and it only reminded me of how badly I want to make a scrapbook/ memory book for Genesis. I know that my friend Megan made a photo book offered by shutterfly for her dear Wyatt. I so desperately want to do that for Genesis. Only problem is I have only 1 photo of Genesis. Well... actually, let me clarify. I have 4 total. 2 are ultrasounds. Then I have an actual photo of her from after she was born. I have an up close shot and a far away shot of the same pose. So I kind of consider it 1 photo. But even if I do have 4 physical photos... thats certainly not enough to  fill a photo book. You need to have photos for a photo book. I know I have tons and tons of photos of her name but Im not sure that will work for what I am looking to make for her. Some photos of things that remind her of me may work but I dont know that it would be enough to fill the book. Maybe I could write her story... the short version of course. I just dont know what else to put in it. I guess I do have a photo of her hospital ID band and her footprints. I guess that brings the count to 6 photos... But really? Who am I kidding? Idk... any ideas?

A picnic with Mason

I met up today with Karen {yes the same Karen from the previous post about the message in the sky} and we went to go visit her precious baby Mason. This was my first time at a cemetery and I didnt know how my visit would be. I had no idea if I could just drive in, or if I needed a pass or something. I had no idea where I would park or how I would even find Mason's grave. Luckily I met up with Karen there and I just followed her to the baby section. 

Seeing this section initially brought tears to my eyes before I even got out of the car. All these little graves. With tons and TONS of flowers everywhere. It was the most decorated and visited section of the whole cemetery. And boy are cemeteries huge. I brought the rainbows and of course D was ver excited to see the flowers and pinwheels everywhere. The pinwheels were spinning so very fast since today was a very windy day. It was beautiful. I saw many graves with toys on them. It was just so very sad. Many of the markers had the child's (and even children) photo on them. 

The day was just beautiful and we were able to enjoy and nice relaxing lunch right there next to mason. It was hard not to let my mind wander while I was sitting there with my rainbows. Thinking about those poor innocent children laying there... buried 6 feet below while I was so very privileged to have my rainbows with me above ground, hugging and kissing them. Then my thoughts turned to Genesis. I sometimes wish she had a grave that I could visit and decorate and leave flowers and just to go and get away when I need to. But I know Im not going to live here in LA forever. It would kill me to leave her behind. Sigh. Then my mind started wandering again... wondering if there was a grave here with the name Genesis on it. I passed it off as a crazy thought. Its not a common name and this cemetery was huge! we were only in the baby section and what are the odds that there would be a baby named Genesis near where baby Mason was. Oh and of course getting back to Mason, the flowers at his grave were just beautiful. Can anyone tell me what kind of flower those big poops of purple, orange and yellow are? They were absolutely gorgeous!

So anyway, after we ate we walked around to see the other babies. It was so very sad. I saw a marker with a photo of a 6 yr old boy and a photo of his sibling's ultrasound. They both died on the same day. I can only imagine that he and his pregnant mom were in some sort of accident and both the boy and the unborn baby were killed. I have no idea about the mom. I saw babies that looked perfectly healthy and so I had to assume it was SIDS or something. I seen some like baby Mason who were attached to machines and sadly never made it home from the hospital. So very sad. But at the same time all these graves where heavily decorated with flowers, balloons and toys. They were not forgotten. They were still very much loved and that brought me comfort. And then Karen and I saw this:
Wow. A seemingly healthy baby girl named Genesis. Just on the other side of the lot where Mason was. And her Genesis' middle initial was also "M". This baby was born a year before Genesis' was born. Still, to see a baby girl named Genesis there in the ground was kind of surreal. This baby was just so cute. Such a shame. But even though we were literally surrounded by death, we did have a nice time remembering and visiting Mason. 

My mind has been thinking about death again in the last day... and well today didnt really help either. But I get in a weird funk when I think about dying. I have blogged about it before but here it is again. Im just really scared of dying. I really dont want to. I know that sounds ridiculous...who actually wants to die ya know? But its something that really freaks me out and when I think about it, it really lingers in my mind. I scare myself. And yesterday when I saw the word "BODY" in the clouds I went to google "BODY" to see if it would bring up anything that might give us more insight. Well I guess I wasnt thinking because when I typed body, sure enough a picture of a cadaver came up. That wasnt what I was looking for. Although thinking back I have no idea what I thought I would find when googling that...but certainly not a corpse. Seeing this dead person, even for just a few second, really freaked me out. I cant see stuff like that. It makes me much too away of my mortality. It makes me sad. I hope I get out of this funk soon. 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A message in the sky...

My BLM friend Karen saw this today:
She posted this on her facebook page and asked if anyone saw something and if so what. I immediately saw something kind of creepy. Scary in fact. But then after looking at it some more I saw a second "thing" in this photo. Here is what I saw: {my computer drawing skills are not that great, sorry}
I first saw this skull on the left. It looks angry to me. Then I saw a profile of a person to the right of the skull. Almost as if its looking at the skull. To me it looks like the profile is the face of a male. It looks as if its blowing or kissing. I totally think this was a sign for Karen to see. I dont think it was a coincidence. Im not 100% sure what its supposed to mean...but my interpretation of it is it looks like the male (boy) on the right is calm and peaceful. And not scared that he is literally looking at death in the face. Its kind of comforting in a way. Well I hope y'all dont throw me in the looney bin for this one lol But I thought it was such a fascinating photo to share with you all and get your interpretation of it. And BTW her baby that passed was a boy, coincidence? I think not.

UPDATE: After looking at this further, and also with the help of Karen I see some more "things".
So now we see a smaller skull in the between the large skull and the profile. I also see a left hand on the left hand side of the profile. As I mentioned in the comments that the profile now looks like an adult man kissing the smaller skull... a baby in my opinion. As if he is kissing his baby goodbye as death has come to take it. Karen says she sees the man's right hand pushing death away... I dont see a right hand but please Id love to hear what others see.

Seriously, this is crazy. All these things together in one shot... thats a bit much for coincidence. I mean its not like Im choosing to see this. Im staring at it and trying to see if I can "make" something else appear... an elephant, a heart...anything to show me that I am the one making it to be something... but I cant. This is what I see...as well as Karen. This has to mean something...but what?

UPDATE #2: I see yet another face

I have no idea what this other face means or how its involved with the other 3 faces. Or if it is related to it. I get the feeling its a male as well and he looks a little upset. Maybe even sad...

UPDATE #3: Karen said in her comments that she saw some sort of font/ writing going through the small skull's head. After looking at it again I see it too! Here I have edited a photo, rotated the photo and adjusted the color so that you can see it too.
Here is the word I see spelled out.

Now tell me we are going crazy?!

Ive said it before....

And Ill say it again. I FREAKING LOVE MY BLMS! Seriously, you all are some of the most awesome and loving and real people I have ever met. Once again I got BLM mail today. It always puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day no matter how awful it has been. It touches my heart that someone out there is thinking of Genesis. And look at what this loving mama sent me! 
Seriously, how rad is that star made of wire? It has Genesis' name and tons of little sparkles on it. So unique! And hello?! Check out the beautiful butterfly. I cant tell you how much I LOVE that sparkly butterfly!!! And purple is one of my favorite colors and check out the pink thats blended in there. Just TOO beautiful! Is a clip so I can put it on anything and everything! Im not gonna name names on which specific BLM sent this just in case she doesnt want it out there...but if you are reading this THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart thank you. You are such a beautiful person for remembering Genesis with me. Im remembering your sweet baby as well. 

Not only did this mama send me the above gifts but also the most touching card and her family's greeting card. It was just so gorgeous to see her entire family (including her precious baby) on the card. Thank you for sending me something so very special. 

Friday, November 26, 2010

I made it

I survived yesterday and it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I still missed her though. Today is also a day associated with memories. Although this time it was regarding D, my first rainbow.

Black friday 2007 I went out with my brother to do all the shopping. We went to about 3 or 4 places which is a lot to walk especially when you are pregnant. I was about 20 weeks... almost exactly at the point when Genesis was born/died. We decided to stop at Olive Garden for lunch. Being the typical prego woman I said I needed to use the bathroom before we sat down. When I used the bathroom and I wiped... I saw blood. I wiped again and it was still there. Yet a third time, there was more. Now it wasnt bright red and it wasnt a lot...but to me any blood in pregnancy freaks me the heck out. Especially after having a loss and especially in my first pregnancy after my loss. 

My heart stopped right then and there. I could feel the blood rushing out of my face, I must have been pale as a ghost. I told my brother we were leaving and immediately called the on call line to my Obs office. I remained calm on the line and told them everything they needed to know in one breath. 

Me:"My name is Tiffany Lopez, patient of Dr.___. I am 20 weeks pregnant and I am bleeding. I have had a prior pregnancy loss...Should I go to the hospital?"

Operator: "Please hold."
{after waiting bout 5 min}

Operator: "How can I help you?"

Me: {repeating the first line I said before and trying not to go ballistic on them}

Operator: "Ok, please hold."
{after waiting another 5 min}

Operator: "What seems to be the problem?"


I just hung up on them and drove to the hospital full steam ahead. I cried the whole way. I was frustrated and so mad at the operator. I was scared to death that I was going to have another baby die. When I got to the maternity ward they put me in the room next to the room where I gave birth to Genesis. It made the tears fall down even harder. Luckily the bleeding had stopped and my doctor assumed it was a big contraction that pushed some blood out. I did feel a contraction as I was walking to the restaurant. 

So today I look at my now 2 yr old son and remember that terrifying day and I am so incredibly thankful to have him here with me. I hug him just a little bit tighter today.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Day Tears

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tomorrow is the day

And no, I dont mean Turkey Day... well I suppose it is that too... but as you will see with tomorrows post, its much more than a day about a bird to me. I can already feel the weight of the grief that is on its way. I can feel the lump in my throat making it harder and harder to swallow. Yea... tomorrow is going to be tough and Ill probably not be thinking straight to do my very important post so Im going to schedule it ahead of time so I dont have to worry about it and so that I know I got everything across that I wanted to. What I hate about it all is that I usually like to try and distract myself with other things like maybe running errands or having a fun day out with the rainbows... but since its a holiday everything is closed. Thanks a lot turkeys. Now Im gonna be at home the whole day with too much time to think. Sigh.

A hummingbird sunset

Today there was an incredible sunset. And of course I wasnt home to see it. Home is actually the best place to see it as I live on a second story and the view from my balcony is phenomenal. But the view from my parents car wasnt bad at all. 

And before anyone asks, NO I wasn't driving. It should be evident from the photo. But remember this post and how I was talking about the hummingbird air freshener? Well this is it. I honestly wasnt even thinking about getting the humming bird in the photo. I was in the back seat trying to get a picture of the radiant sunset. I was climbing over car seats and jackets and going from window to window as the car turned and this was probably my most favorite shot. Yes its a pretty picture, but its not the best artistically speaking but I love that the humming bird came out in the photo and right in front of the most beautiful part of the beaming clouds. Its almost magical to me. {and once again, my photo has not been edited in any way}

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A flower for Genesis

Karen, my BLM friend I have blogged about before, posted on her facebook page that she is going to make a garden for Mason. That is just the sweetest thing. I have always wanted a little garden for Genesis but I dont have a yard here to do it in. And everything that I have ever had in pots here has died. I couldn't handle it if I had a special flower for her and it died. 

I mentioned this to Karen and she offered to get Genesis her own flower in Mason's garden. Complete with a dragonfly garden decoration. How sweet is that? She even asked me what Genesis' flower was. Well dandelions are her thing but you dont really plant those lol But yellow roses are my flower so maybe they can be hers too...

This reminded me of my mom. See, my mom has roses in the front of the house. They are in a row and its one rose bush per child. So my siblings and I all have our own rose bush each in a different color. Since I am the oldest my roses are first in line. There happened to be a little space next to mine and I asked my mom if she would plant a rose next to mine for Genesis. (this was a few months ago) And she just replied "no" and walked away. I cant understand why she would do that to me. It really broke my heart. I mean come on, ITS A FLOWER! Why wouldn't you? But Im so thankful that Karen offered to this extremely kind and touching thing for me. Thank you Karen. I cant wait to see pictures. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

An opposite gender rainbow

This time of year makes me think of the past. I relive events and decisions and emotions. I wanted to make a post on what it's like, at least for me, having an opposite gender rainbow.

What I mean when I say "opposite gender rainbow" is that Genesis was obviously a girl. And when I got pregnant with my first rainbow I desperately wanted another daughter, but had a son. Let me take you back first, back before I had any children. 

Back in high school and in my young adolescence, I knew I wanted kids. I wanted them for 2 reasons. 1. I was adopted and grew up not knowing any biological family. Having my own kids, my own flesh and blood was a big deal to me. And reason 2. having kids seemed like the thing to do after you got married. I wasnt in any rush and didnt feel my "clock ticking" nor did I have the "baby bug". I wasnt jealous in the least after I got married and everyone around me was having babies. I didnt feel pressure either. 

When my husband and I decided it was time to start a family, we didnt care what we would have. The gender didnt really matter, though Id be lying if I said I wasnt leaning towards the girl side just a bit. But Id honestly be happy with anything. After Genesis died it made me realize how badly I wanted children. And how much they meant to me. I didnt know that this is what I really wanted...like it was my purpose in life to be a mother... until it was taken away from me. That day all my priorities and goals in life changed. I most certainly felt the pressure to have more kids. I felt jealous to see all these pregnant women when I had no living children. Seeing little girls ripped me to shreds.

I just knew that I needed to get pregnant ASAP after Genesis died. Although there was a 5% chance her condition my happen again, I had faith that I could grow a healthy child. I brought my chances down to 1% by taking extra folic acid before ttc and all through the first trimester. When I got pregnant with my first rainbow my husband kept telling me he thought it was a girl. I think he was telling me this because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. And I suppose he was right, but I had a feeling it was a boy from the very start. But I still hung on to what little hope there was that it may be a girl. At my 20 week ultrasound they confirmed he was a boy. Im going to admit that I cried. I cried because the hope that I would be a mother to a living daughter died that day. But I also cried from joy that I now had a son...but more importantly a healthy baby.

After D was born I felt the "baby bug" again when he was around 6 months old. I was finally allowed back into the "mom's club" now that I had a living child but I wasnt part of the "mom to a living daughter" club. This nagged at me on a daily basis. Passing through the little girls isle at the store always tugged at my heart. I felt like I was still missing out. Not only that but I knew I had "children" but society would only recognize the living child and I longed to be able to say I had "children" without being judged. 

I decided to start ttc for a second rainbow. Yes I hoped it would be a girl but I didnt try in the hopes of being a girl. I even told myself I was doing this to have another son, which would be awesome. I even had a name picked out. When I got pregnant with my second rainbow I had a feeling the moment I got the positive pregnancy test that it was a girl. The same feeling that had been right with my previous two pregnancies. But I didnt want to get my hopes up and told myself it was a boy. I got so set on the fact that it was a boy that when I went in at 14 weeks for a gender determination scan, I was shocked when they told me it was a girl. I cried. I cried tears of joy. But surprisingly I cried because I was a little disappointed she wasnt a boy. That emotion totally caught me off guard. D and I have such a close relationship that I think I associated boys with that and so I cried for the loss of a relationship of the second son I envisioned. But Then I quickly became thankful for having another daughter and eventually joining the "mom to a living daughter" club. I now had a rainbow girl!

It no longer hurts me to pass by the little girls isle at the store. But as Ive mentioned before, when people tell me they are pregnant I still have that little jealous bug about it. Especially if its a girl. It just reminds me of the pregnancy I had with my first daughter that will never result in a healthy baby girl. Now G is about the same age as when D was when I got the "baby bug" with him...and I have to admit that Im feeling it again. I wonder if its really the "baby bug" of the longing of having Genesis here. I dont know how to tell the difference. And either way it is really nagging me. I cant bring Genesis back, but God willing, I my have more children in the future. Now is not the time though, but I can say that I totally hear that biological clock ticking. Im 27... Ill be considered advanced maternal age at 30!! ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE!! SERIOUSLY WTH! Not only that but then my chances of conceiving drop 10%, then another 10% at 40, and 50 and so forth. As I get older, the chances that I have a baby with Downs go up as well. Not that I wouldn't love and want that child... but you know, who actually wants that to happen?

Im going to go off on a tangent here for a moment....I never shared this publicly because I didnt think it mattered, but I want to share with you all. When I was pregnant with G at the 20 week scan I was very anxious. This was the appointment that would tell me if she had the same condition that Genesis had. I had everything riding on this ultrasound. When I got the all clear that she didnt have the same condition I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I hear him say to the assistant in the room "enlarged nuchal fold..." Im a doula and have been through pregnancy enough times to know what that could mean. I remember laying on the table and my heart jumped into my throat. I could hardly breathe. After the ultrasound the specialist told me that the baby had an indicator of downs syndrome. In my head I was thinking... give me a freaking break! are you kidding me!? He told me there were no other indicators and that I would have to meet with a genetic counselor afterwards. They didnt have my chart that my OB sent for some reason, so they couldn't give me the "odds" that she would have Downs. Odds dont mean much to me anymore because the odds that Genesis would have her condition was 1% and yet she was that one. I find that I am in the minority the majority of the time so even if the odds are like 0.00001%, after losing Genesis, I feel like the chances of her coming out with a problem are more probably then having a healthy baby. Dont ask me why, its just the way it is. So the genetic counselor told me I could have an amnio to see if she had it or not. I refused immediately. My peace of mind was not worth risking my daughter's life. I knew I was going to keep her and love her no matter what. But that meant the only way I would find out was when she was born. So for the second half of my pregnancy I had this to worry about. I did some research about parenting a special needs child and felt that I was ready for this and I could totally do this if she did indeed have it. Thankfully when she was born it was evident that she did not have downs. {I guess I just wanted to share more of me and give hope to those that have been given the same statistic and know that regardless itll be ok}

Ok, getting back on track with the original topic... so I have heard of parents having rainbow of the same gender and of a different gender. I only know how I felt with my opposite gender rainbow... Id love to hear how those that have had rainbows felt about it. I know the majority of us will say that we dont care as long as its alive... and I can relate to that but Id like to know if you have any feelings based on gender.


I have been seeing this commercial play a lot lately. And though I dont celebrate the holidays, this commercial makes me tear up every single time. Its just so beautiful and at the same time so very sad.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A new "foreign" phrase

After Genesis died my foreign phrase was "my child". Because since the world could not see her to them that meant she didnt exist. But I did in fact have a child even though I couldn't hold her in my arms.

Then when D was born I finally had a child that the world would acknowledge. But it was a son. Yes, I felt and still feel SO incredibly blessed to have my son, but I still didnt have my daughter. So the new foreign phrases were "my daughter" and "my children."

Now that I have G in my life, I have both a son and a daughter here on Earth. And I have the ability to say I have "children" without people looking at me like Im insane. Just when I thought there was no more foreign phrases that would stop me dead in my tracks, I found one. A lovely BLM that requested a name to be done on Names On The Sidewalk sent me a lovely note. At the end of her note she said she was thinking of my son and daughters. Wow... Daughters. "Daughters" is now my new foreign phrase. I absolutely love that this BLM acknowledged all three of my children and opened my eyes to the fact that I do have daughters. I dont use that phrase much when talking to people. I will usually just say "my kids" or "my children" when referring to all 3 of them. But I wonder if there will ever be a day when I can use the phrase "my daughters" and refer to more than 1 living daughter. I suppose only time will tell...

Random post of a turkey

I was watching TV with the kids and naturally because of the time of year there was an episode of Olivia about turkeys.
Isn't this little guy cute!

And naturally, turkeys (because of Thanksgiving) remind me of Genesis. A little weird huh lol at any rate he was way too cute to not share with you all. Gobble Gobble!

Consumed part III

Let me start off by saying NO, my mom didnt bring up being "consumed" again, as a matter of fact no one did. But re-reading my post and reading the comments has me thinking thoughts that I just want to get out of my head and perhaps someone who has not gone through our journey can take note.

The dictionary has this to say about the definition of "consumed":
transitive verb

: to do away with completely : destroy <fire consumedseveral    buildings>
2 : use up <writing consumed much of his time>
   3 : to engage fully : engross <consumed with curiosity>

1.  exhaust, deplete.
What we have gone through as parents has rocked our world, and forever changed our lives. It has even changed us as a person to the very core. It hits us so hard that I wouldn't be surprised if it even changed the way our body works with brainwaves and all. As the above definitions state... something like this does destroy a person. Sometimes fully, sometimes partially. I believe this event continues to destroy us little by little through the years for the rest of our lives. And yes, something like this does "use up" most of our energy, our life, our time... And like parents do with living children, we too engage fully with our children that are no longer here. It might sound odd to people on the outside, but this is part of being a BLM. And I can honestly say an experience like this is both exhausting and depleting. 

I have read several posts over the last few days that I can totally relate to. As BLMs, we still have a need to "parent" or "engage" with the children that are no longer with us. No, I have not lost my mind for those of you that may be wondering. But the need to do these things that we will never get to do with our children is still there. So thats why we do things like write their names in beautiful and different ways. Some BLMs have annual celebrations/ birthdays for their children. Some sign cards with their children's name. There are many ways that BLMs do this. And there is nothing wrong with it. If it helps them and makes them happy then more power to them. But it sucks that we are scared of how the outside world will judge us or view us if we do these things out in the open. Its not that we are "consumed" as many have labeled it. Its that we still love our children. We always will. They are always on our mind weather we speak their name or not.

Another BLM wrote something along the lines of, "how can I have a broken heart and a full heart at the same time?" This is the life of either a rainbow parent or of a parent that had living children prior to their loss. You are torn and conflicted between two worlds. The world of loss and the wonderful world of living children. The two worlds are so very different but one thing connects them, our children. Here or gone... they are our children and always will be. No one can change that.

But I know that people will continue to label what we do and what we feel because...well, thats the world we live in. Hopefully when we get to a point where the subject isnt taboo to talk about, then at that time there will be no labels and no judging. Considering how many people go through this I dont understand why things are the way they are. But if what we are doing is being "consumed" then that is ok. Who said being consumed was bad? We are consumed by our living children...why not the ones that are no longer with us? 

And just for the record...how can we NOT be consumed when our child dies? Weather they were 5 months gestation, 5 months old, 5 years old... they are our children. How can we not be consumed by growing flesh of our flesh, a literal piece of us that we started to love the moment we were trying to get pregnant, or saw the positive pregnancy test or saw them on the ultrasound for the first time. This was and always will be our baby, our child... a person. When this person was taken out of our lives much too soon, our world came crashing and crumbling and burning down so very fast. One moment they were with us, the next gone. How do you survive that without being "consumed"? Do you think that going through something like this doesnt change everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING.

It changed the mother I was going to be for my rainbows. It changed how I view life. It changed how I think. It changed my interpretation of things. Things as small as movies and tv shows I watch to huge things like abortion, where I want to live and how many children I want in life. It changed the way I drive. The way I take care of myself. The way I talk to people. Where I go and what I do. It changed the way I live in every aspect. I have to live with the fact that my daughter is dead every. single. day. of. my. life. For the rest of my life. Everything I do I will see that I am missing a child while I am doing it. Those are the facts. So tell me... how can I not be "consumed"?

Hopefully this is the last post about being consumed. That is all I have to say on the matter.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

A Touching Gift

I received this beautiful photo from a fellow BLM. I love it when BLMs write Genesis name. I cant tell you how good that makes me feel to know someone besides myself was thinking of her. But this picture really touched me. 

If you have read my story, then you will know that November is a significant month for me, Thanksgiving specifically. And it's right around the corner and this photo just pretty much hit the nail on the head for me. I hope it will make this Thursday a little easier. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

She shows up AGAIN!

I received a lovely card in the mail from a fellow BLM.(have I mentioned how much I love BLM mail!?) And this mama not only remembered Genesis by putting the cutest dragonfly sticker on the back of the letter but she was thanking me for my work on Names On The Sidewalk. She even made a donation towards the purchase of chalk! It just meant to much to me to know that there are people out there that support what I do for BLMs and remember Genesis along with me. 

But did you notice what I saw on this piece of mail? Check out the upper right hand corner. There is that stamp of a girl again. As I mentioned before, this stamp ONLY has appeared on the mail I have received from my BLMs. Isn't that amazing? I just dont know what to really think about it... well I suppose I do. Its just weird saying it out loud I guess. But it did instantly make me think of Genesis and cant help but think that this is another one of her winks or perhaps God made it happen to remind me that I will see her again. Either way, I love it!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Whoop there it is

I was debating posting these things about my personal life but I think it needs to be said so here goes...

Today I had to meet up with the ex husband. We had to take care of some business and I had been putting it off for a while and needed to finally get this done to protect myself financially. Thankfully he agreed to get this done and even showed up early. I left the rainbows at home so it was just me. On the way over there I kept thinking that I wanted to ask him a question that always seemed to come up every now and then. I wanted to ask him how he answers the question "how many kids do you have?" 

Truth is he fathered 4 children. 3 with me and 1 with skankula. But I know he would never answer 4. I think he would probably say 1. The 1 with skankula. Its a shame he abandoned our kids It is actually a blessing that he doesnt want anything to do with our my kids. Really, if you knew the history you would agree too. But then poor little Genesis is in her own category. Another question I wonder is if he even thinks of Genesis still. As far as I am concerned he abandoned her too. It gets me thinking... even if he should answer that question saying he has 3 kids... it pains me for Genesis. Im not sure why I even think of this, but I do.

So we got to the place to take care of business, and it never ceases to shock me how horrible he looks. No really...he looks ill. He took up smoking since he left me and he has lost so much weight that he looks sick. His eyes are sunken in and have dark circles under them. He reeks of cigarette and he wasnt even standing close to me. Anytime we have had to meet up for anything, he avoids me like the plague and stands a good 8-10 feet away. Dont ask me why, I have no idea. But I think its hilarious. But even standing that far away from me I could smell his nasty stench. Then I feel sorry for the child he has with skankula and how she has a smoker for a daddy... and so much worse. Sigh.

And of course when I did see him I couldn't bring myself to ask him how he answers that question or if he ever thinks of Genesis. I just cant ask. I wonder if I ever will. I have yet to get a straight answer as to why he left me when I was pregnant with my first rainbow...I doubt Ill get any real answers to anything from him. But I suppose I will always wonder. Ya know?

But anyways, after we finally took care of this I felt SO good. I was so very happy on the car ride home. I love feeling like that. Another small victory for me which really isnt small at all when you see the big picture. Even though my mind had been wandering about the thoughts of Genesis and him, it didnt get me sad. Im just so thankful that I have all 3 of my kids all to myself. (and yes, I have her ashes...he never asked to split them or anything like that, thank God) 

I was listening to the radio and "Whoop There It Is" came on and it was just so fitting for my mood. I couldn't help but dance in the car. I had borrowed my parent's car for this trip and I totally forgot that they have a humming bird air freshener hanging from the mirror. And now that humming birds are one of Genesis things it was kind of special to me. So there I was, feeling great, dancing in the car and I noticed the humming bird swinging in the air. It made me feel really good that one of her things was there with me. I hope that doesnt sound weird, but it just felt comforting in a way.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Genesis at the zoo

Yesterday my family invited me and the rainbows to go to the zoo. It was a very last minute and spontaneous decision but I thought it would be fun. It was my rainbows first time at the zoo. Although Genesis is almost always on my mind, my attention was diverted to what a good time the kids would have and I have to say that for a little while Genesis was not the number one thing on my mind yesterday...and you know, thats ok too. 

We were enjoying our time at the zoo when suddenly I was surrounded by at least 5 or 6 humming birds. I am convinced this is another one of her things. It was so beautiful! They were all around my sister and I and flying everywhere. So much so that one even bounced off my sisters stroller and almost hit us as they zoomed right by our faces. It was beautiful. I tried to take photos of them but not only are they fast but also SUPER tiny. So that didnt work out. But it immediately let me know that Genesis is never that far away.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"Consumed" part II

Yup, my mother brought it up again last night. I was talking about my blm friends and sharing their stories and my mom adds her two cents saying "I think its fine and all to remember your baby but you shouldnt be consumed by it." I asked what she meant by "consumed". What would constitute being consumed. She said "I dont know....talking about it all the time.... and when you pay more attention to the dead baby than your living babies." I asked who she knew did that...and how would they show the "dead baby" more attention than to its living siblings... of course she said I dont know. Thats just a ridiculous statement if you ask me. Even if we wanted to and even tried to show our lost babies more attention than to the babies we have here, it would be impossible. How the heck do you do that? Seriously?! Does me looking at Genesis' 1 photo and writing her name every so often even compare to the millions of hugs and kisses and attention that I show my rainbows every single day? OF COURSE NOT!

Im not sure if she was referring to me or to the BLM community as a whole but either way she is wrong. You may remember that once before I actually mentioned that my mother is a BLM as well. She lost a baby at right around the same gestation that Genesis was. She caught scarlet fever from my brother when we were very young and as a result the baby died from it. It took a lot for her to get pregnant because from what I have been told, my dad is infertile. Im not sure what route they went to get pregnant, something tells me she used a sperm bank but Im not sure if she did it at home, or did IUI or EUI. It really doesn't matter. But what matters is that that baby was wanted and it died. She never saw the baby when it was born. She never found out if she had a son or a daughter. She never gave it a name. A photo was never taken of the baby. She herself calls it a "miscarriage". Her generation isnt like ours. It was even more taboo back then. She was expected to sweep it under the rug and forget... and thats what she did.

So when we were talking about being "consumed", I mentioned to her that most BLMs love to talk about their babies. But because its to uncomfortable for other people, thats why our children are not spoken of regularly. Speaking our children's name is music to our ears even if it brings tears to our eyes. She told me that she had to disagree that she doesnt feel the need to talk about her "miscarriage." (a little odd that she loves and misses Genesis who was born at almost the same gestation as her baby and she considers Genesis stillborn but is totally detached to her baby) I reminded her about the differences in generations and how she detached herself by never knowing what she had or giving her child a name. If she had things may be much different. But I agreed that everyone deals with it differently, thats why I said most blms. She left it at that.

But this topic bothers me so much... about being consumed. I have said it before and I will say it again: WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SPEAK OF OUR DEAD CHILDREN, JUST AS WE DO OF OUR LIVING CHILDREN. WE LOVE ALL OUR CHILDREN NO MATTER HOW LONG THEY STAYED WITH US. IT IS NOT A CRIME TO SPEAK THEIR NAME. How did things get like this for us BLMs? Really? Who decided we should pretend like it didnt happen? pretend they weren't real babies and people? who? I want to know WHO, so I can slap that idiot in the face. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

An unexpected balloon release

Remember the special ribbon balloon that I made for the OC Walk To Remember? Well since they didnt float after the walk I mentioned that I held on to them. Yes I still have them...well, had them. After yesterday's rainbow party I had all these balloons sitting around. I thought I would use them for a balloon release to send the special balloon up into the sky since it wouldn't float on its own. Only problem was that after the party ended, it was night time and I would not have been able to get photos. And these days photos is all I have to make memories so I had to make this moment last. I then decided to hold off till morning. I was praying they still had their gas and would float off into the sunrise. 

When I woke up this morning they were still floating! YAY! Here is the sunrise just before I did the release:
 And the release....
There is Genesis' name <3

Letting go is always so hard...I always find myself holding my breath...

drifting away on the currents of the sky

The sunrise seemed to make the balloons glow

floating further away...

floating just past the tree on the left.... until they disappeared...
D watched the balloons sail away with me. He loves to do balloon releases and watch them. I always get emotional when watching the balloons float so far away from us. I told D what to say to the balloons and hearing him made me tear up. He said "Bye balloons...bye sister...I love you... I miss you....Genesis..." And he blew some kisses to the balloons. So almost a month later, I was able to give the special balloon an adequate balloon release.

The Rainbow Party

Yesterday was a blast! So the party started at 1:00. Naturally people showed up fashionably late. No biggie, I kind of expected it. What I didnt expect was that not everyone would show up at the same time.

We had people arrive in waves. Two people, then 3 people 3 hours later, then 3 people 2 hours later and 2 people an hour later. All the meantime people were leaving here and there and no one was all here at the same time lol It was kind of funny. I wish that all my BLM friends were able to come but unfortunately many could not for various reasons. I was really looking forward to meeting Bridget from Molly Bears but at the last moment was not able to come. I totally understand why she couldn't I dont blame her. She did say to look out for a little special something that day though. And to my surprise she sent the most beautiful flowers. It seriously brought tears to my eyes when I saw it arrive. I could feel the love she sent all the way from San Diego through these precious flowers. 

I had 3 BLMs attend in all. Monica, Cassie and Karen. I just have to get this out there as well. Before the guests arrived I let my family know that I am having BLM friends coming as well. I went over the "what not to say/ask". The last thing I wanted was for one of my BLM sisters to get hurt at my rainbow party. My dad is in his 80's and very distracted and a bit senile if you ask me. I was beyond mortified when the very first thing he asked Karen was "So, do you have a child here?" I was sitting right next to Karen when my own father asked her this. Karen and I were I guess a bit surprised and shocked to hear this question. I was just furious and I was hinting for my dad to lay off the subject. And poor Karen just replied "no." God that ripped my heart out. My dad being very absent minded probably didnt get the hints so I had to pull him aside to another room and spell it out for him. I hope this didnt ruin Karen's time here. On the up side, she did hear Mason's song playing at our party. She told me that it follows her everywhere. I thought that was so sweet. Mason was totally at the party in spirit.

I also wanted to say a HUGE thank you to Cassie for still attending even though she had another party to attend afterwards and for coming with a sprained ankle and her 2 yr old. Im sure that took a lot of energy and was a struggle. It means so much to me that she took the effort to coming to this very special celebration.

The rest of the people that were there were just friends and I appreciate that one friend in particular, Monique, wasnt scared to ask me about Genesis when Karen and I were talking about our babies that are no longer here. It really meant a lot to me. I also really appreciated her showing up as I have not seen her since high school and even then she was more my brother's friend than mine. But things have changed in the last 10 years and Im very lucky to have her as my friend. She too is a single mom and I know that most things are a struggle with a child. So I know that it took effort to come to the party. I hope she and her beautiful son Christian had fun.

We played some games and gave away prizes. All the kids had a fun time. D made lots of new friends and so did G. G was passed around and everyone loved her. They all said they wanted to "bite her" because of all her little chunky rolls lol. All in all it was a great party and everyone had a great time. Since there are SO many photos I made a slide show of them. Take a look. (and as always, to see all the photos with my rainbows in it head on over to my facebook page.)

A very special package

I received something in the mail yesterday that totally made my day. It was a little something from a very dear BLM friend of mine. I loved everything about it. Seeing her name on this package touched my heart that she was thinking of me. It was one of my most favorite shades of green to top it off. This was on the front of the envelope:
Inside were so many beautiful treasures. First I got this beautiful card:
It had the most beautiful words and thoughts written inside that made me tear up. Then there were the most adorable little gifts. Check them out:
Isnt this so creative and awesome!?
I had to put this feather on my fridge. Its just fabulous! I mean really, I would have never thought of this. And only she knows how she put Genesis' name on this. Its just the most unique and wonderful thing with Genesis' name on it that I think I have ever seen so far. Really, to say that I freaking love it is an understatement. And how sweet the wrist warmer with a dragonfly. The thoughtfulness and remembering the little things like this means ever so much.

And the biggest, hugest most spectacular part of this package was a photo that was enclosed. This most wonderful BLM send me a photo of her precious baby boy. I know for some of us BLMs sharing photos of our lost babies is not easy. I know it has been very tough for me. And this mama shared with me this photo on facebook a little while ago. It was an honor to have the opportunity to 'meet' her angel baby and to have this most precious photo shared with me. And then to send me an actual physical photo... wow. I am just so touched. Really, I just dont have the words to express how much that meant to me. I dont want to post his picture here out of respect for his mama but know that he is on my fridge along side photos of my rainbows, cousins and nephews. After all, this BLM is like a sister to me so he is in a sense my nephew as well. And can I just state that he is absolutely gorgeous. So perfectly made. 

So thank you to the moon and back my BLM who sent me this wonderful gift. You know who you are and I am so very lucky to have crossed paths with you. We are definitely bonded for life. Love you!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

It's here

Well today is the day. It's G's party. I dont know what to call it. It's not a baby shower and it's not a birthday. I think I may have invented my own type of party... though Im probably not the first to do this kind of thing... Ive been calling it a rainbow party. So I guess that's what Ill stick to. I have been planning and organizing and working like a mad woman getting this all together. Yesterday I worked so incredibly much that by the end of the day my legs hurt, my eyes could hardly stay open and I smelled like a sweating truck driver ha ha! Although she is too little to know what is going on or to even remember, I hope that one day she looks back at her scrapbook and says "Thank you mommy. It was a beautiful party and I can feel the love in the pictures." Speaking of pictures, you can bet cha that Ill have tons of pics to post once this beautiful day is over. Until then, I cant wait for the guests to arrive!

Oh and before I forget... yesterday while I was driving around getting last minute things done for the party, I noticed something in the street in front of me. It wasnt really in the street. It was floating or flying in the air above the street. As I got closer I saw that it was 2 humming birds just playing. It was the cutest thing and instantly made me thing of Genesis.
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