Sunday, October 31, 2010

A discouraging morning laced with hope

I have to admit that I dont go to church as much as I should. Dont get me wrong, I really want to go and I want to instill its value to my children as well but doing it alone as a single mom is beyond difficult at times. If I go, I go when my family is going so that they can help me if the going gets tough with my toddler. I have tried to wrangle a wiggling and crying toddler, while holding an infant. All the while doing it in a dress and heels and in a place you are supposed to be quiet and listen. It doesnt work. So this is why I need the help.


Well for the last 3 weeks my family has decided they didnt want to/ couldn't go. It got me very down. Today I thought there was no way they were gonna skip yet a 4th week to go. So I woke up bright and early, got the kids dress, fed them breakfast, got myself dressed, packed the diaper bag of all the things I need to keep D entertained for the whole 2 hours. I even called my family to make sure they were going but I didnt get an answer. I figured they were probably busy getting ready. So I rush to get ready, even skipping breakfast... and to my surprise we are right on time! That doesnt usually happen with kids.


So out the door we go and I go next door to see if everyone else is ready and guess what? yup... they are all in bed. That got me down but I still had hope. I said well if you want to get ready I can wait for you and we can all at least make the last hour. Nope. That didnt fly. No one wanted to go with me and I just cant do it on my own without causing a scene and disturbing everyone. My heart was crushed. Here I was standing out side ready to go, the kids looked perfect and it was all for nothing. I went back to my side of the house and just unpacked everything and undressed everyone. I was so discouraged it brought me to tears.


I decided to spend some time catching up on blogs and I came across Sharee's post. It made me even sadder to hear that this little bird lost its life. Then the tears started to really come down. And once again I dont know how but I was crying for Genesis as well. 


I had some time to think about it and this is the best way I can put it. One type of grief (any really) can rehash the grief of losing Genesis. It awakens that pain that may have been dormant for any amount of time, and it has reminded the heart of the grief that is always with us.  Events can awaken these emotions, even certain times of the year (mine is coming up), places...even smells. 


Sigh. I just hope today gets better....As I was typing this up D walks in and points to the painting I have that says Genesis' name on it and says "look mommy. Its pretty." This put a smile on my face. I think today will get better.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

There is no set time on grieving

The world outside of the BLM community does not realize this. And especially so when it comes to the death of a baby. I am constantly reminded by reading others facebook pages...which I should probably stop doing to give me a little more peace in my life...that people expect us to get over this and to do it quickly. Who made up this stupid rule?! Because 1. this is something we will NEVER be completely 100% over, EVER. and 2. mourning the loss of the future is different than mourning the loss of the past. and 3. everyone grieves differently and lastly 4. there is NO wrong way to grieve.


But I hear of people saying 6 weeks later..."oh your still not over that..." or a therapist telling a BLM 8 months after the loss of her twins "I sense that you are not over the loss of your twins..." no kidding sherlock. I dont get why people think this loss gets old after 6 weeks or 6 months or whatever. 


I mean really, think about it. When someone gets married they are a newlywed. After a year, year and a half they are still considered newlyweds. So being married is still new over a year later. Heck when I was going through my divorce... they didnt even consider it a long time until you hit 10 years (in regards to spousal support). So 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 9 years is a short time to be married compared to the rest of your life that this marriage is supposed to last right? So why on Earth would you think that the pain, and trauma and sadness of losing a baby wouldn't still be new or wouldn't still hurt and be all these things 1 year later? or 5 years later? or 20 years later? and then of course for the rest of your life? why? where is the reasoning in that?

Something strange

So I was taking photos of the beautiful sky this morning and something odd came out on one of the photos. I just take pics from my cell phone, so nothing fancy. I took another photo immediately after the first one and nothing weird was in that photo. I didnt see this thing until after the photo was taken. Let me also say that there were no birds around nor any trees. check out the weird one and the one right after, Id love to hear your thoughts. (These photos have not been edited in anyway)
Weird photo

Normal photo

At first glance I thought it was a bird but then I remembered there were no birds around when I took this picture. Someone else said it looks like a feather... but once again no birds around. And even if it was a feather what are those bright things next to it? Someone suggested it was a leaf... um no trees anywhere near this photo. A bug? yet it doesnt really look like a bug and if it were it would have been much smaller. I have no idea what it is but at the risk of sounding crazy, Im gonna say that I dont think its something normal. What exactly do I mean? Im not really sure. I know that everyone I have shown this photo to has never seen anything like it. 

Day 30

Day 30 - a dream for the future 


Im a dreamer. I dont know if faith is the same thing as dreams. I suppose faith may be stronger and you may have more determination to make it happen. Im not sure. Either way, I would love to own my own house. Nothing fancy. Probably not in LA. Just something with 4 walls that the kids and I can call our own. Just to have our own little safe haven in this universe would mean the world to me. No, it would mean MORE than the world to me. Its actually one of my biggest dreams in life. I dont like having to depend on others (renting/staying with my parents...even if they are next door). I dream of having more children in the future, God willing. And Last but not least, I dream of the day where I am more financially stable. Ive been standing on wobbling ground since my ex husband left me and Ill be damned if I let him affect the rest of my life.

Friday, October 29, 2010

This is NOT ok

I met a new BLM friend on facebook today. She lost twin boys. She is pregnant again with her rainbow. She announced she was having twins again and the genders. Two girls! YAY! Im so very happy for her but she is having complications sadly. But that isnt what this post is about. What it is about is a comment she got on the her status. This is what one of her "friends" posted:


Um.... there are so many thing wrong about this comment. 1. she is having two girls so why on earth would you say girls are hard? why would you want to already make her worry more on top of the complications she is having in this pregnancy. 2. Nasty boys? really? Did you forget she has twin sons? 3. You know what is really hard? HAVING YOUR BABY (or in her case babies) DIE!

Why do people keep making these STUPID, HURTFUL, IGNORANT comments?! I see this on a daily basis and I just have to bite my tongue every time. At times I will jump in and defend my BLM friend but to do this every single day multiple times a day is exhausting and increases the stress levels. I know its not my job to be the BLM police... but I do want to offer my BLM friends support. Its just so draining. 

Day 29

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days



Speaking in terms of short term goals.... I am looking forward to going back to work soon. Though leaving my kids will hurt like hell just like it did when I left after I had D, but I look forward to being able to breath a little easier financially. Being on unpaid maternity leave is no joke...especially as a single parent. Im hoping my ex stops giving me grief about money and I look forward to having D out of diapers.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tidbits

I thought I would share some random stuff out there


1. Halle Berry's daughter, Nahla, was born on Genesis 1 yr angelversary. And though they are a year apart I cant help but look at this beautiful little girl and then day dream about my beautiful baby girl and what could of and should of been.


























2. After my post on Genesis' wink yesterday I had a chat with a fellow BLM. We were talking about if it really sounds crazy to think that our children are sending us signs. I mean really... is it? She told me she used to think people who said that were crazy. Her sister would tell her about these signs she would see after the death of her boyfriend and she didnt pay attention to her one bit. That is until her little boy died. Then she became a total believer. Well, I sometimes wonder if Im making myself see this things and if I am reading too much into it. But honestly, what other explanation is there for these things? A BLM did a dedication at a beach for the babies and as soon as they threw petals into the ocean these little white lights appeared all around them. Nothing of the sort has ever happened there before. They even came out on the photos. Another BLM did a lantern release and as soon as it was done all the photos came out with orbs. None before the release. And the earthquakes on Genesis angelversary and edd. I mean come on, I didnt imagine an earthquake and there was no way I could have made it happen. Really... what does it mean? Well I now believe in the signs. I dont know who makes the signs. I dont know if its actually Genesis, I really dont think so. I think maybe its God who makes it happen and reminds me of her. I dont know. There is so much I dont know. But what I do know is that I do see things. Things that I cant explain.








3. Today after the garden dedication I met up with my family for lunch. We went to Applebee's. Im not a big fan of this place but my family likes it and I was in the mood for a nice salad so this is where we agreed on. I have only been to this Applebee's a handful of times. My ex husband and I came here once while we were still together. We came to this same location right after we found out we were pregnant with our first rainbow and just days before he left me. At my previous OB appointment they told me the baby was measuring small and that either the baby isnt going to make it or that perhaps I ovulated later than usual. They did some lab work and had to call me back with the results a few days later. Well I happened to be sitting in this booth, on the left and my husband on the right, when I got the call about the results. They said everything was fine and that I just ovulated late. I remember sitting at this booth just crying from the relief and the stress. It was weird sitting right next to this table today... with that rainbow that I was so very worried about at that time, and a new rainbow. Just brought back so many memories.  


4. I took the kids to the park the other day. And my God, was it a beautiful day. I cant believe that towards the end of October we are having such warm weather. But then again it is sunny Los Angles. But anyway, getting back to the post... I was have a really nice time at the park with my rainbows. It was just us at the park. Not many people go to this park and even less during the week and as early as we went. It was a treat having the whole playground to ourselves. I sat there watching D play in the equipment and going down the slide. 


I put my rainbows in the swings and watched them swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The breeze was so calming and I just couldn't help but let my mind wander. Wander with the "I should have 3 here" thoughts. I wonder why I do this to myself. Or do I do this to myself? Is it unavoidable? I certainly didnt cause any of this yet why am I ready to say "I do this to myself"? Sigh... Im just frustrated to live without her. Although frustrated may not be the right word. Maybe its one of several words like upset, hurt, devastated, depressed, alone.... the list goes on.


I guess for the rest of my life when I see an empty swing, I think of Genesis. 

Garden Dedication

The dedication was beautiful and it wasnt what I expected, and then again, it kind of was. As I was getting the kids packed in the car this was the first thing I noticed. Dandelions are a new thing that remind me of Genesis. It started when this blog was being designed and I just had to incorporate it. So This made me feel good right at the start of things. Everything was ok until I started getting closer to the hospital. I felt the nerves and anxiety kicking in. I am really anxious about crying in public. I hate it. I mean HATE it with a passion. I dont like people feeling sorry for me or brining any attention to myself. And I especially hate looking like crap after Ive been crying with my red face. So knowing that this was probably going to happen I was just nervous about it. 


I get there and the kids and I get a ride from the car to the entrance of the hospital in a golf cart. D had such a great time. So that was a plus that the ride put him in a good mood. I didnt know how many people would show up to this. I thought maybe myself and a few people. I even thought perhaps I may be the only one there. Its just I get so used to not having support that I have little to no expectations. We get there about 5 minutes before its supposed to start and they were handing out programs. They were so lovely. Here are a few photos:




As soon as they handed these beautiful programs out I felt my throat getting tight and felt the tears starting to build up. There were already about 5 people in the chapel and a couple were already crying. As soon as I sat down I had to start wiping the tears. Of course D saw this as his cue to start getting feisty. 

There was a beautiful flower arrangement on a table before us. I couldn't help but think that this arrangement was the size of a child's casket. I hate to think such terrible thoughts but thats what I thought of. I was able to compose myself just as the ceremony started. The room was packed with about 30 people or so. And of course D decided thats when he wanted to throw a fit. So we got up and waited in the hall as I didnt want to ruin this beautiful dedication for the others. I was able to hear a few words that were spoken here and there. One lady went up before the group and shared her story. I wasnt able to hear it though, and I suppose it was a good thing because otherwise I seriously would have been a uncontrollable crying mess. I felt completely under dressed. I showed up in cargo pants, flip flops and a t-shirt and everyone else there was in a shirt and tie and very nice clothing. I seriously had no idea it was going to be so formal. We were going to be planing flowers after all. But the important thing is that we were all there for the same cause.

So D was playing out in the hall with a man that befriended him very quickly. There were these beautiful stained glass windows and D was showing this man all the colors. It was so cute to watch and it had all the people standing in the hallway (because not everyone fit in the room) smiling. It kind of lightened the mood but not in a disrespectful (towards the ceremony) kind of way. Then a woman sang the most beautiful song during the ceremony. Being that I was outside, I didnt see who it was, know what song it was or even hear most of the words. But it was beautiful and gave me the chills to hear. I could feel the warmth and love in her heart. 

They had a table full of goodies. From breads and little cakes and muffins and coffee. It smelled so good... just like you would expect the holidays to smell. The table was set so beautifully, complete with orange, red and golden leaves. And baskets of gourds and pumpkins. Just beautiful. I love fall.
So moving on, there was a shelf outside the chapel with brochures on coping with loss. All sorts of loss. I am happy to say that they even had a brochure on the death of a baby which sadly seems to be overlooked a lot of the time. I had a chance to look through it briefly and found it very well put together. 

Then the dedication moved out from the chapel and outside where the garden was. I saw that beautiful statue and waterfall again. It was so very peaceful there. 


Everyone gathered around the statue and waterfall and read from the program in unison. I was too busy wrestling D to share in it or even really see what was being said, but it was beautiful. 

As you can see all sorts of people were here at the ceremony. Young, old, women and yes even men. The hospital staff was there as well. The two ladies that I had been in contact with before were both there as well. It really was touching. Speaking of those ladies... they are the head of the perinatal loss department and I had previously donated my memory box to them. Today I was able to drop off a stack of Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope post cards for them to include in the memorial boxes and grief packets for bereaved parents. Im so glad to have had a small part in helping families in the future. 
What I found touching was that people actually wore the butterflies that were handed out on the program on their shirts during the ceremony. Im not sure if you can see in this photo to the left, but there you can see people doing just that. 
After the dedication was done, we all went to a book they had there. A memory book where you could write down the name of your baby.
Genesis was the 3rd name in the book. Sadly by the end of the ceremony, there were 3 pages full of names.
Then we went over to these wooden troughs that were filled with soil. We were given tulip bulbs to plant in memory of our children.

Genesis' bulb is the 3rd one <3

They even gave us bulbs to take home and plant in our own garden



Overall the dedication was beautiful. The staff (pictured) was so loving and cried just as much as the parents did. These people were a part of that baby/child's life for a brief moment in time and losing them hurts them too. Im thankful to have such caring people to work with in regards to providing more support for parents that have yet to travel this horrible path.

Also as I was wandering through the hallways of the hospital I came across the most beautiful hallway that I had actually seen before but had forgotten about. It has such a special meaning to me now since I have my rainbows. Here are the pictures. Enjoy!












Today's the day

Today is the garden dedication at the hospital where all my children were born, yes that means Genesis too. If you recall, back when I took my memory box for the Day of Hope, the head of the perinatal loss dept took me on a little tour of the garden. It was very beautiful. Well today is the official dedication of that garden along with them planting some tulips. How very beautiful! Im going to be leaving in about an hour and when I get back I will update this post. I hope I dont cry again... but if I do, then thats ok too.

Day 28

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse


I totally have the "MOMMY PURSE". I guess Im used to it now but that doesnt mean I love it. Goodbye to the tiny bags and clutches and hello to the huge oversized handbag. Its kinda like Dora's backpack, I have to plan for every thing. You never know when you're gonna need an umbrella, a flashlight or a rope ha ha! Ok just kidding. Actually I think its a diaper bag, well I use it as one. Here is what you can find in my purse on any given day.


wallet
check book
cell phone
headset for my cell phone
pens
coupons
wipes/diapers
motrin (for sudden headaches/migraines)
stuffed animals
toys
goldfish crackers (or other snacks of the sort)
keys
water bottle
hand sanitizer
spray disinfectant for those nasty shopping carts (yes I own a cart cover too)
pacifier
wic vouchers
lip gloss
powder
day planner
lotion
spray neosporin
tweezers
burp cloth


And that is only for short trips like running errands...OY!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Ok she has a new "thing"

Just now as I was outside I saw a hummingbird. The cutest littlest green hummingbird. I instantly thought of Genesis but then I said to myself...nope. Its just a bird. Genesis isnt connected to everything that is cute and beautiful and uncommon. Just as I thought this it flew away and I was ready for it to just be a bird. Before I could even turn around another hummingbird came from the opposite direction and stopped right in front of me. At this point I was thinking... um, maybe she is trying to tell me it isnt just a bird... is it her? And as I was thinking this it flew away. Now this next part you are not gonna believe. As that second hummingbird flew away, literally in the same place it was a dragonfly appeared. NO JOKE. A huge dragonfly the same size as the hummingbirds. This convinced me it was her. I couldn't stop staring in amazement with my jaw on the floor. I was literally saying "no way..." So I guess hummingbirds are her thing now too. Funny thing is I had seen a few hummingbirds come around before but I didnt blog about it for the same reason I mentioned above... I cant make everything I see about her. But now there is no denying it.

Day 27

Day 27 - your worst habit



Hmmmm... let see. I dont want to make some fake 'worst habit' that isnt even bad just to make myself look awesome. Know what I mean? I guess its expecting too much from D. D is very big for his age. People have always thought he looks older then he is. At 11 months someone asked if he was 3. Now, at 2 years old, he is about the size of your average 4 1/2 yr old. He also does and says things you wouldnt expect a 2 yr old to be able to do. So I find that I tend to expect more from him and take it out on him when he cant do certain things. And then I feel bad because I forget he is still so little... hes still my baby.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A BLM Movie

This trailer has been floating around facebook among the BLMs. I thought I would share it here as well:




I have to say that watching the trailer brings me to tears because I am right back there at square one watching it. Some may argue that its not good to see this because of that, but I beg to differ. Its healing knowing you are not the only one who has gone through/ is going through this. And now that its going to be in a movie perhaps more non BLMs and non BLDs can understand what we are going through just a little better. And for the record, I have said all the things that have been said in the trailer myself. So far it seems to be a pretty accurate presentation. I hear its coming out some time this year. It's called The Rabbit Hole.

Day 26

Day 26 - your week, in great detail



Well luckily its only wednesday so there isnt a full week to report on. Yesterday I didnt do much as per yesterdays post. But you can just take what I did put for my activity the day before and imagine I do that, minus old nay, every single day. Im tired just thinking about it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

A birth certificate for all

A BLM friend of mine posted on her facebook page about stillbirth and how we should talk about it... you know, break the taboo. And through the replies the topic shifted a bit to a topic that many of us know too well. Birth certificates. Many of us gave birth to a perfectly beautiful little baby who never took a breath or let out a cry. And these bundles of joy have been deprived of a birth certificate because they did not/ could not do these things. Yet, they were born. Some received a death certificate for their child...and dont you have to be born first, in order to die? And some like myself, were not even issued a death certificate. My daughter was stillborn, yet I didnt even get a certificate of stillbirth because of the number of weeks gestation she was. Even though she was a baby, perfectly formed with 10 fingers and 10 toes and she had just been kicking me days before...they refuse to acknowledge she was a baby. Instead I got a certificate of fetal something or other. What an insult. A fellow commenter posted a link to a site that is trying to change this. Click here to check it out. This is an awesome organization that I support 110%. Here is a movie piece of theirs.



Day 25

Day 25 - your day, in great detail



Well today Im going to be a couch potato and not do much so Ill tell you about my day yesterday.


I woke up to the sound of D saying "mommy, mommy, mama, mom, mommy, mom, GOOD MORNING!" around 7:45 am. G was still asleep. She is quite the sleepy head in the morning, so cute. So we got up. I put G in the crib. I used the bathroom (hey it said great detail lol) Changed both of the kids diapers. Gave D his breakfast and ate mine. Honey Bunches of Oats I believe which is also becoming a new favorite for D as well. I washed the dishes and fed G. I put her down for a morning nap as I got D and myself ready to go out. Once everyone was finally dressed I struggled to go down a flight of stairs with a kid in one arm and a bag hanging off the other while holding D's hand. Then we walk over to the car and pack in everyone which always takes at least 10 minutes. By the time Im done Im seriously sweating from the workout. 


I decided it was time to get some new pants since my body is still changing since I had G and I needed something that fit better. So off to Old Navy we went. Its not far from the house...10 minutes or so but it was long enough for there to be a meltdown in the car while I was driving and yelling from the front seat. We get there and of course the parking lot is full and I end up getting what seems like the furthest away parking spot. So I park and once again the task of not only unpacking everyone but unloading my double stroller. Again, it takes another 10 minutes just to do that and again Im sweating from how much work it is. So I lock the car and on I go to Old Navy. I dont want to waste time going to other stores so I go as fast as I can straight to Old Navy. But its not fast enough as D is already asking to get out of the stroller before I even enter the store. It took convincing but he agreed to stay... for a little longer.


I make it to the store and my ginormous stroller takes up practically the whole isle. Pushing that thing is like pushing a limousine stroller around. And to think, I bought the "compact" one! So I know what I am looking for and go straight to that section and get a few sizes to try on. I go really quick into the kids section and see if there is anything worth getting for the kids. All the while D is nagging to get out of the stroller again every 2.5 minutes. I needed to try on the pants so on to the dressing rooms I go. THANK YOU OLD NAVY FOR HAVING THE FAMILY FITTING ROOM! It seriously is the only place where I can fit my jumbo stroller and myself and still have room to try on clothes. So I seriously am trying on the different pairs of pants at the speed of light because its only a matter of seconds before someone has a problem...(someone aka one of the kids) and wouldn't you know it as Im taking off pair one G starts to fuss. I give her the pacifier and she quiets down to only remind D that its his turn to cry. So Im talking to D showing him the pants, like he really gives a care, and trying to make it exciting. (let me state for the record that I HATE pant shopping. I can NEVER, and I mean NEVER find the perfect pant. I usually leave empty handed and at the verge of tears because I am reminded of how fat I am. Not only that but the lighting in the dressing rooms are just horrible and again only magnify what carrying 3 babies has done to your body) 


So I finish trying on the pants and we leave the dressing room with no meltdowns and everyone is ok. Once again Im in a rush to get to the cashier and pay because again the clock is ticking for a meltdown. And of course I cant go as fast as I want to because Im pushing a friggin living room on wheels around. I eventually get to the line just in time for a dude with a stroller to cut me off and get in line before me. Seriously? Stroller wars? sheesh. So because the Old Navy I went to is an outlet, they have long lines all the time. Whoopty friggin do. And they have those things up with the rope that makes the line go in an "S" shape. So I have to navigate this tiny and narrow maze with this HUGE stroller. Not easy. Then the lady behind me keeps getting closer and closer to me. She pokes me several times in my back and butt with all the clothes and hangers in her arms. She was seriously so close I could smell her breath. Hello? PERSONAL BOUNDARIES MUCH? I kept turning around and giving her the stink eye but she didnt get a clue. I secretly wish she went in front of me so I can run her down with my tank of a stroller lol. While in line of course D had a meltdown. Not as bad as some other kids Ive seen but of course like 4 people had to turn around and look at me like I was the crappiest mother in the universe. And I of course didnt make eye contact and looked off into space as if I had no idea my child was the one crying in line. What do you want me to do eh? So finally it was my turn to pay and we were out of there.


There was only one thing on my mind. Getting to the car in a mad dash. And things were going pretty good until D saw that little train that gives rides to kids all over the mall. He loves trains. Great. He wanted to see it and I was tempted to let him go see it but G was getting fussy and hungry and I just knew it was too much to do it all at once. I said we would come back another time and that he could see the train set that we had at home. I kept telling him how awesome the train set was and how super it was. It was so cute. When I said its a super train set his reply was "Amazing!" I talked to him the whole way to the car about getting to play with his train once we got home. Once we made it to the car he realized he wasnt going to see the train we saw in the mall. Let the real meltdown begin. I begin the task of putting them, my bag of new pants, my purse and the stroller back in the car. Once again, another 10 minutes. Add a crying 2 yr old to the mix and it feels like 10 hours. And once Im in the car I am once again sweating like a pig. 


On our drive home I still talked to him about playing with his train and we actually passed a train track with a train on it which he totally got excited about. We finally got home and he eventually forgot about the train. We had lunch and I put G down for a nap. Of course D had to wake her only 5 minutes into the nap. Great. I finally got her back to sleep and put on dora or some cartoon for D while I took a quick shower. And I do mean quick. My showers consist of leaving the door open and staying in no longer than 5 minutes. I always always have D coming in saying "mom, mommy, mama... Im hungry, Im bored, I wanna play, I want up..." anything and everything he could possible want he wants it while Im in the shower. Today was no exception. Somewhere in the chaos I had time to eat dinner... wait did I have dinner? nope no dinner. I was on the computer trying to update my facebook and whatnot and all the while I had D screaming in the background "super powers, super powers" and I have G in my arms crying or fussing and drooling a hot mess all over my shoulder and back. She eventually falls asleep in my arms only for D to run in yelling and waking her up. I manage to put her back to sleep and put her down only to find D playing in the dogs water dishes. I was gonna rest but no, time to give D a bath. 


Of course there is another meltdown from D because he doesnt like getting his head wet but I have to wash his hair because he has even managed to put food in it. And of course the noise wakes up G...again. I finish with him and I might as well give G a bath too. so now they are squeaky clean and while I had a shower earlier, I had such a work out bathing them and having G drool all over me I seriously need another shower. But no time for that, instead baby wipes to the rescue. (ya they are a good way to freshen up quick. I heard that one from Brad Pitt lol) 


Ok so somewhere in between all that I manage to breathe and not jump out a window. I have D getting tired which equals grumpy. I dont want him to fall asleep yet, its only 7. If he goes to bed now he will be up at 4 am. So I try to keep him awake for a bit longer. G is just chillin playing with her toys. Finally 9 o' clock comes around and its a decent hour to put the kids to bed. Which of course means bedtime for me too. 


I make D his bottle of milk and change both of their diapers and to bed we go. D of course likes to toss and turn for a while until he is comfortable. But after 5 minutes of that it gets quiet annoying. G is in bed nursing and falling asleep as well. That is if D would stop moving. A half our later G is asleep and D is still fidgeting. I finally have to get mad and tell him to go to sleep before he stops and actually falls asleep. I am exhausted yet I cant fall asleep. I lay there with random thoughts for a good two hours before I fall asleep... only to be woken up by G who is hungry again. Repeat that about every hour or so for the rest of the night. 


Then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again. Yippee. 

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thank you all for your lovely comments!

I know this blog isnt written for an audience, but I tell ya, I LOVE comments. I feel so supported when I get comments. And your kind thoughts and love radiates from all the comments you leave. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for caring. It means a lot to me. 

Miracles do happen!

A while ago I was surfing the net and found that in St. Cloud, FL there is an intersection there with the streets Genesis Ct and Eden Dr. This is is huge to me since I believe that I will see Genesis again in the Garden of Eden. I had placed an add in the Florida craigslist, as another BLM suggested, to see if someone was willing to take a photo of this intersection for me and I was willing to pay them for their help. This was months ago. I only got one response and the guy wasnt happy with what dollar amount I offered to pay him and I never heard back. I was ready to let this idea go because I was losing hope that there were any good people out there that would want to help with this. People are just greedy.


Then I got a message from one of my facebook friends (non BLM) saying she has a cousin that lives in FL. She asked him if he would do this for me and he said sure the next time he went. Problem is, he doesnt go to St. Cloud very often so they couldn't tell me when this may be. But I was fine with this, I was touched that they would even consider doing this for me. So I left it at that and was thankful for their help.


I forgot about it until yesterday. The thought just popped in my head randomly about this very special intersection. And then I checked my email and what do you know... someone replied to the add and said they will be there this weekend. I replied and said that would be great and I mentioned payment for this and that was that. I honestly didnt think I would hear back from this person since I cant offer much. After I hit send I just really let it go and had no expectations. This morning I check my email again and I get the following message from the same person:


"Sometimes you do things in life for nothing in return, this is one of those times. I am a christian and God would never accept me collecting money on this. I will send you as soon as I get it. I will be in St. Cloud this week. I will take several photos. I am sorry for your loss. I truly am."


This person didnt even give their name. I am just brought to tears about this. Happy tears of course. There are truly amazing people out there. But check this out, I went onto my craigslist account to see the add and it was expired! It expired some time ago. I have no idea how this person even found it!

Day 24

Day 24 - where you live



Without getting too specific... I live near The City Of Angeles aka Los Angeles. Its a small little city about 15 minutes east of downtown LA.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The OC Walk To Remember

I apologize its taken me so long to post pictures of the walk. Since I pretty much told the story on my last post this will just be the photos. Enjoy.




























My dad









This touched my heart because even though she couldn't walk, she was still showing her support. How very beautiful.
Saw many of these in the parking lot. My car included
Even though there wasnt a balloon release, and even though my balloons lost their helium, I captured these 3 pink balloons flying off into the sky
What a most beautiful sky for the end of the walk
And because I know that you're wondering...no there isnt a pregnancy & infant loss balloon. (which really sucks and someone needs to change that) What I did was get the pink breast cancer awareness ribbon and spray painted half of it blue. A note for those of you that want to try this. It must be spray paint, regular paint is too heavy and the balloon will not float. Even the spray paint needs to be done lightly because it still may have trouble floating. Painting one side still left it floating perfectly. It got weighed down with the backside painted as well so that is why I had to buy the other balloons as well to keep it all floating. Another note, spray paint RUNS, so if you are going to try this, be careful it doesnt run on the part you want to keep pink. Any part the paint touches will remove the pink paint. So if it runs to the pink and you wipe it quickly, that spot is now silver. Just fyi.
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