Thursday, September 30, 2010

Good Things Are Coming....

Some of you may have noticed a few changes to my blog. I dont want to give it all away just yet, but very soon I will have some exciting news. Stay tuned... 

Some more winks & a BIG THANK YOU!

I had a previous post about winks from our babies. Well today a sparrow with red/orange cheeks tried to get into my home through a small gap at the top of my screen door. That has never happened before. I tried to find a picture online of what I saw but had no luck. These were the closest I could find.

And for those of you that are friends with me on facebook, you will remember last month I got a visit from this gorgeous little bird.
And then of course the heart in the clouds with yesterdays photo.


And last but not least, I dont think I shared this with anyone. On Genesis birthday this year, 3/16/10, there was an earthquake. On Genesis 1 yr anniversary of her EDD, 7/29/2008, there was yet another earthquake. To have two earthquakes hit on both her birthday and her EDD is too much to be coincidence. I know Im in SoCal where its earthquake territory but come on, what are the odds?


Please feel free to to share your winks here. I love hearing about them.


Also I wanted to share a little surprise I got today. Megan, Wyatt's mommy, makes handmade cards and so lovingly made one for Genesis and I. Check out her blogpost here and see what amazing work she does. Thank you so much Megan for your thoughtfulness, kindness and love. I can already feel the love that was put into the card just from looking at the photos. HUGS!

My Story Of Hope & Genesis beauty

I am excited to share that my story of hope has been published today on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Click here to read it.


Ive mentioned before how natures beauty reminds me of Genesis. Well yesterday there were the most beautiful skies here. All because of a little storm cell moving through. I only see skies like this a couple of times a year. Im so glad I got pictures. I wanted to share them with you. When I see this it reminds me of Genesis.

This one was in the morning

All these were of the sunset


Do you see the heart? I totally didnt see it till I took the picture. <3 Genesis <3

I love that you can see the rain falling in the distance





Its moments like these I wish had a decent camera. I just took these using my phone. The pictures dont really do the beauty of this storm cell justice. It was just breathtaking to see in person.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

As long as it's healthy...

A blogger I follow posted this video the other day:



I gotta say, it really made me think. Dont get me wrong. I think its totally funny and totally true. The line that stuck out to me was "I cant wait to hear someone say, dont care if its brain dead, dont care if its limbless, if it has a penis..." I have said it before (IRL) that it bugs me when asked what gender they are hoping for they reply with "As long as its healthy we dont care." I know what they are trying to say, and I agree with the underlying meaning. But I dont agree with the wording "As long as..." Its like saying you dont want it or wont love it as much if its not healthy. I think that is the point these girls were trying to make with that specific line. I know that when people say that response they really mean to say "We dont care what gender the baby is. We only hope that its healthy." See, now wouldn't it be better to just say that? But I doubt most people will word it that way because, well its just one of those things we say, have always said, and will always say. So I try to look past the face value of that statement and try to remember the deeper meaning. But that verse in the song really hit home because technically Genesis was brain dead. And if I would have been able to keep her with me, even brain dead, you better believe I would have. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

BLM on a TV series

I have a guilty pleasure and Im gonna come out of the closet with it. I love Desperate Housewives.... the TV show ya sickos haha!! Well the season premier was yesterday and only today did I get around to watching it. Lynette Scavo, on the show, debuted her beautiful newborn daughter. I instantly remembered that last season she was actually pregnant with twins and one twin passed away, her son. His name was is Patrick. I love that they gave him a name. Anyway, this brought back so many emotions for me. First off Id like to give Marc Cherry, the producer, some major kudos for having the balls to include such a taboo and horrific event happen to one of the main characters. That took a lot of cahones. 


For those of you that dont watch the show let me give you a quick recap. Lynette was pregnant with the twins and at a block party. A small plane was making an emergency landing right in the street the party was on. Lynette saw that one of Gabby's daughters was in the path of the plane and she jumped in to save her. She saved Celia but it seems that her doing that may have hurt one of the babies, though this isnt for sure stated that it was specifically caused by her actions. Blood flow to one of the babies was not good and required an emergency surgery and he didnt survive, but the other twin, Piper, was just fine. Here are a few snippets:




Those scenes always makes me cry. So far no other mention or memory of Patrick has been seen yet this season. I found a cheat-site or spoiler sight for Desperate Housewives. So if you dont want to know what may happen, stop reading here. But if you want to hear the touching story, get cozy in your chair, grab some hot chocolate and close the door.


The spoilers say this is going to happen:


Lynette loves this little girl so much, especially considering everything that's occurred during her pregnancy. She can't help but be happy that everything is fine. Nothing has gone wrong in months.That's when she bursts into sobs. Tom is by his wife's side in an instant. 
Tom:"What's wrong?" He's been worried about her ever since Patrick died. The grief had blanketed their house for months.
Lynette: "I 'm happy. I'm not sad. Piper's here and she's healthy. I shouldn't be so happy when Patrick's dead," Lynette explains in between sobs, her breath hitching. She never got to know her little boy, but Lynette misses him so much.
Tom: "Oh, Lynette. It's okay to be happy about Piper when Patrick's dead. There's nothing wrong with that." Tom rubs his wife's back to calm her down.
Lynette: "I didn't even want the babies in the first place, Tom. Our little boy isn't here. I should have known something was wrong earlier than I did." Lynette can't stop crying.
Tom: "Lynette, Patrick dying wasn't your fault. I told you this before. It's okay to cry over him. Nobody is judging you for being happy that Piper is here and healthy." Tom has been waiting for this. Lynette cried for days after Patrick's death and after her discharge from the hospital, but then she had thrown herself into the pregnancy and taking care of the older kids.
Lynette: "How can you say that? It was a great thing that I saved Celia, but it's still my fault." Lynette will always believe that. Patrick died because she had to be the hero. What would he have been like otherwise? Preston, Porter, Parker, Penny, and Piper are never going to know their brother, and that's the saddest thing about this.
Tom: "Lynette, you were wonderful to save Celia. I'm going to say this again. but what happened to Patrick was not your fault. Babe, you are a great mother. Don't ever doubt that. Our kids love you. Piper is going to be fine." Tom smiles at her and starts to sing, hoping to calm his wife down. He wants Lynette to be happy.
Lynette leans her head against Tom's shoulder and smiles at Piper. The little girl isn't a fussy baby, which is odd for a newborn. She is just thrilled that Piper is in their life now. Lynette doesn't know how she would have reacted if both babies had died. 
Lynette: "I love you, Piper Annabelle Scavo," she tells the newborn.
Piper continues to sleep in her mother's arms, unaware of the grief her parents are going through. Tom picks up his daughter and lays her down in the bassinet. The baby will be more comfortable there than in her mother's arms, most likely.
Lynette falls asleep and dreams of a life with both Patrick and Piper. The grown up Patrick appears to her in the dream. "It's okay to move on without me, Mom. What happened to me wasn't your fault. Live your life. Be happy with Piper and the rest of my siblings."
When Lynette wakes up, she doesn't feel guilty. She's been feeling guilty ever since Patrick's death, so it's nice not to experience that feeling for once. She has five kids who need her. "I love you," she tells an also awake Piper.
"She loves you too," Tom replies. He leans over and kisses his wife again.
It'll be hard, but Lynette and Tom will eventually move on from Patrick's death. It'll always stay with them, however.
At Piper's high school graduation, all the Scavos are there to cheer her on.
They think about Patrick, but realize that it is okay to be happy for Piper on a very important day.
The Scavos are all there as Piper walks down the aisle ten years later and marries MJ Delfino. They had been a couple for six years.
They stay in the waiting room as Piper Scavo-Delfino gives birth to a son she names after her twin brother. Patrick Michael Scavo-Delfino isn't Tom and Lynette's first grandchild, but they still cry when they hear his name.
Nothing will ever tear the Scavo family apart. They are strong together.


If what this site says happens, that is a big step for BLMs on a popular TV show. I love how Patrick will always be on their mind and how even decades later hearing his name moves them to tears. Not that I love the pain they are going through, but I love that Marc Cherry is documenting this for the world to see that its not something that goes away overnight... or ever. Id like to hear your thoughts on this.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Beach Day

Today it was just too darn hot to stay in the house, especially when our house has no A/C. It was 103 degrees when we decided to go to the beach. I love living in LA because we are just a short drive away from many beaches. Today we decided to go to Seal Beach. I had never been there before so I was looking forward to it. On the way there we had to drive through Long Beach. To my surprise we drove right past Recreation Park where the LA Walk To Remember is going to take place on October 9th. Im glad I know where it is because Im the type of person to get lost even with a GPS in my car and on my phone. It was a beautiful park and I cant wait to meet the BLMs I know from facebook as well as meet new BLM friends.


Anyway, we got to the beach and it was beautiful. I seriously think Seal Beach is my new favorite beach. D had been to the beach several times before but didnt like how the sand felt on his feet and didnt like going anywhere near the water and it always ended in him crying and not enjoying the beach. I was afraid today was going to be the same. However, I gave him a little pep talk as we were walking from the car to the beach and told him the sand would feel funny on his feet but that it was ok and we were gonna have lots of fun. Evidently this pep talk worked. He had so much fun. He took of his shoes and walked in the sand, played in it, built castles, collected seaweed... the works. G was in such a good mood and just took in the scenery. 


I loved watching D play but then my mind began to wonder. Wonder what Genesis would be doing. I bet she would have been walking all around the shore collecting seashells and sand crabs. She would have tried to scare D with the sand crabs ha ha, and she would be tearing down D's sand castles Im sure. And I would here from D, "MOM! Genesis is tearing down my sand castle!!!" sigh...what I wouldn't give to hear that tattle tailing. 


I also wanted to share something that I guess might be special that happened. As we were packing up to leave a feather blew in right over me and landed in my hands from nowhere. I didnt see any birds around or anything. Isnt that supposed to mean something good? I felt like it was from Genesis and I kept it.


And when I got home I found that I had won a giveaway over at Audrey's Little Light. I won a personalized candle for Genesis. I had wanted one for so long and didnt even know where to go. As I was entering her giveaway by leaving my comments I kid you not, I felt Genesis presence with me and something told me I was gonna win. Was I hopeful? Ya totally. But I had a feeling come over me that was more than that, like I had this in the bag. But it was still a surprise to me when I saw that I actually did win. Thank you baby girl! I know you had to have helped some how.

Great Question: "Why do I care?"

A reader asked a good question on my last post. Here is her comment: "sorry, but why do you care how she handles her loss? and why would it be insulting to you? she's not sticking a gun to your head and forcing you to do what she says. why are you taking this so personally? is it because they are famous? obviously, that's the way she's going to deal with it."


It matters to me for the same reasons that it matters to me for Oprah to do a show on pregnancy/infant loss. Not because I want Oprah to grieve differently, but because of the power of celebrity.


Because they are in the public eye and have a huge effect on how the general public sees the subject. I could care less how she deals with her grief, it's different for each person. But to say these statements and have it be a statement representing the general babyloss public is insulting, at least to me.


We all know when celebrities say or do something it's usually just expressing their own feelings. But unfortunately that isn't the way the world sees it. If Britney Spears started shopping at Big Lots on a regular basis and made it public knowledge, you better believe that Big Lots will see many new shoppers. She wouldn't be purposely advertising for Big Lots but anything and everything they do and say is an advertisement.


So when Justine said these comments, non babylost people think this is true for all of us and that it should be like this for all of us BLMs. And if it's not, then we need counseling or we are odd. It's because of statements and actions like these that pregnancy/infant loss is such a taboo subject.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The connection to a celebrity & "OH HELL NO"

My last post on Rev Run and the loss of their daughter reminded me of the connection I have with their documented loss. She died Sep 2006. I had just turned 23 and my husband and I were talking about starting a family soon. Though the first time I heard of their show or seen the episode of their child's loss was in May of 2007. It was nearly 3 months after Genesis died and we had been ttc again. We went away for a weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I would either find out if we were going to have a rainbow on that trip or be disappointed that I wasnt pregnant. Well, I was very disappointed when aunt flow visited me on that trip. As I was watching TV in the hotel room I saw the episode air. It brought back everything I felt the moment Genesis died. I was so depressed that weekend. The next time I saw that same episode air, and you know I just had to watch it again, I was 9 months prego with my first rainbow and it was Genesis' 1 year angelversary. Since then I had always felt a connection to Justine & Victoria. 


But then I found this article and I have to say I just dont connect with her like I thought I did. She said some pretty offensive (at least to me) statements. Like "Women need to know you only need to mourn quickly. Dont try to think of [the baby's] eyes. It doesnt sound nice, but it will help in the long run." and "We dont have pictures [of Victoria Anne]. We dont look back. We dont want the walls of our home to start crying, and everything, to just crumble around us." and last but not least "Ive always wanted to adopt, and now my husband is with me. We're doing the paperwork now and praying that God gives us the right baby girl. We celebrate life."


Im not really sure where to start with that. First every BLM is different but I have to tell you, the majority of BLMs that I meet need and want to speak of their child. Its part of the grieving process. And to say that we need to do it quick is insulting. I know that personally speaking, I will mourn the loss of Genesis for the rest of my entire life. period. I know many BLMs will agree with me. And I think its very hurtful for someone in the public eye to make a statement like this. It only adds to the taboo nature of child loss. I think its sad that they dont have pictures. I know many BLM who dont have pictures (I only have 1 photo of Genesis) because they didnt think to take them or whatever the circumstances, but it seems like they chose not to have any pictures. I think thats just plane sad. Why wouldn't you want to look back at the beautiful little child you and your husband and God made with love? Are you not thankful that your child was in your life no matter how short? And her last statement is the one that really gets me. Specifically "praying that God give us the right baby girl." Was Victoria not the right baby girl for them because she died? I just found this to be so insulting not only to me but to their poor daughter. And then to top it off she says "we celebrate life." Well their daughter was not stillborn, she was alive no matter for how short. She was alive. Why didnt they/ dont they celebrate that? Celebrate it with photos & with speaking of her... I dont get it.


I understand the adoption thing, I even wrote a post about that. But they are acting like their adopted daughter replaced the one that died and thats not right. This is adding fuel to those people out there that say "Dont worry you will have another one." Uggg... so frustrated with her words.

Celebrity Babylost Parents & Oprah

I found a blog that I thought would be interesting to share with you of celebrities that have had a pregnancy and/or infant loss. Some people you would have never thought had been through this and I see them in a new light and have such compassion for them.  


A couple of BLD that I did not see listed were T.I. (the rapper), he had a stillborn daughter just 8 days after Genesis was born. And Rev Run (also a rapper) who had a daughter die shortly after birth just about 6 months before Genesis was born.


Im not sure you all know but Oprah was raped in her teens and gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. It has been said that that she has never done a show about infant/pregnancy loss perhaps because of this. Perhaps it brings up the trauma from being raped. So I did a little homework. Turns out she has done at least one show regarding rape. You can read about it here. I also found that she did at least two shows about miscarriage. You can read about them here and here. After digging up some info it turns out the Oprah Show was looking for stories of mothers coping with the loss of their child but this was back in 2007 and it never aired. Here and here is where I found the info and the first post was actually posted on Genesis birthday :( I wonder why it never aired or moved forward. She does have the topic of losing a child in her forum. In this forum many BLMs have tried to reach out to Oprah to create a show for breaking the silence on this topic and this is the reply they all get:

So the million dollar question that has been asked over and over is, why wont Oprah do a show on infant & pregnancy loss to help and stop it from being such a taboo subject? Just because she doesnt want to talk about her experience, and I can understand why being raped and giving birth at 14, that doesnt mean there aren't thousands of women who want to talk about it. I feel it would be healing and comforting. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

Wow, Genesis & I got an award for our blog!

I just received a comment from Wyatt's mama at Wyatt's Whisper that said said:

"Love ya girlie... Check out my blog, I honored In The Beginning There Was Genesis with an award!!!!"

I was totally caught by surprise and headed on over to her blog to see the award. Genesis and I received the "One Lovely Blog Award". Thank you so much for the honor of remembering our blog and sharing such a wonderful award. It definitely lifted my spirits from my last post.

By excepting the award, I agreed to follow the simple rules, which are listed below:

1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I have hand selected the blogs for which I would like to award the "One Lovely Blog" award. And they are:


And here is the award:



If you have been selected, please continue this award by following the rules above. I enjoy reading and following each of your blogs. You each have inspired me is so many ways. Much love to all.

Death **warning, very pessimistic thoughts**

Since March 16th, 2007, I have seen death in a whole new way. I had never had a death of a close family member. My parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... the are all still here, thank you Lord. I actually did have a great aunt pass that I was somewhat close to. I say somewhat because I was so young and I wasnt able to process death at that time. I remember going to her viewing and seeing her lifeless body with her mouth open. I remember my grandmother going up to her and closing her mouth. I know, an odd thing to remember huh? Well I was sad she was gone but I wasnt in mourning I would say. And right after we all went to eat at Chuck E Cheeses. Isnt that odd? Well, goes to show you how little I was. 


Well all that changed when Genesis left this Earth. Not only had a close family member died but a piece of my literal flesh. And nothing has been the same since then. Im still young, 27, and used to have the feeling of being invincible and that I would be here forever. Sadly, that feeling went away when she was stillborn. I would have given my life right then and there, no second thoughts about it, if I knew it would save her. period. Thats how much I loved...love her. But we all know it doesnt work that way. I hate how close death hit. I dont think you get any closer than mother and child, especially a pregnant mother... except of course when its your time to go.


And thats what scares me... when its my turn to go. I have become scared of death. I know a few BLM who say they look forward to it because then they will be reunited with their babies... and if that works for them thats fantastic. But thats not the page Im on. I have a different hope of seeing Genesis again someday, where we are all alive and a whole family... but Im not here to preach my religious views. I wanted to elaborate on my fear of death. 


Ive never really imagined myself growing old. Even before I had any children. And I feel this way even more now. I have a feeling I will die young. Dont ask me why. Im terrified of the way I will die. I know, morbid thoughts, but this is my blog where I let it out, so thats what Im doing. Will it be painful? Will it be sudden? Will it be dragged out? Will it be an accident? Will it be because of a sickness? Will anyone go to my funeral? I sometimes ponder these thoughts. I worry about my rainbows and what will happen to them. I want to make sure they are taken care of and are safe and far away from my ex-husband. I have been wanting to write a will for my babies so that there is something in writing should anything happen. But making a will, will make it too real that I am not immortal. It only confirms that yes, I will die someday. I hate saying that. I wonder why I even had children sometimes... they are just going to die one day....hopefully at the ripe old age of 300, but seriously, all jokes aside, isnt it depressing that we are born with the clock ticking and everyday we are closer to death? I hate that these thoughts pop in my head, but they do. The one thing I am certain about regarding my death is that I want Genesis ashes with me. Regardless if I am buried or cremated, I want Genesis with me...forever. 


It makes me sad that we die. Some much too soon. Why do we have to die at all. Defeats the purpose of life. What difference does it make if we had a happy or horrible life? In the end we will die and not remember a thing. 


Im sorry for these horribly pessimistic and depressing thoughts. I ponder them too much sometimes and I just need to get them out of my head and put them down here so that I can stop dwelling on it.

BLM Mail

I forgot to mention that a few days ago I got something in the mail from a fellow BLM. She wrote me the nicest card for writing her baby's name on Names On The Sidewalk. She even sent a little envelope for Genesis with the cutest little baby tag. It was yellow, Genesis color and its said "My Darling" on the front. It was extra special to me as I had always referred to Genesis as "My Darling." Thank you so much!


Today I am heading out to the post office to send a few BLMs cards and such to let them know Im thinking of them always. I wish I could do more. But I sleep well at night (none of that with two kids in my bed haha!) am happy I do what I can to at least bring a smile to a few BLMs faces at a time. 


Speaking of mail and my dear BLMs, I finally got around to customizing my very own BLM address book. This is dedicated to all of Genesis' friends and their mamas so that I can keep in touch with them easier and remember all their special dates. I really enjoyed making it and have even made a few extras. Let me know if you are interested in getting one and Id be happy to make one up for you.


Also Im part of the BLM pen-pals and would like to invite you all to be part of the group as well. It is a private blog as all our addresses are listed but if you request to join and let them know you are also a BLM you will be added.



UPDATE: Also Ive gotten a few comments on how to be added to my address book. You can find me on facebook and send me a message if you'd like. I have added my facebook badge to the left. You can find me there. Feel free to add me as well. As long as I see your a fellow BLM I will add you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Flashbacks

The other day I met another BLM online and we were sharing stories of our babies and I suddenly remembered something that I had forgotten. There are all these little details that at the moment I wished I could forget but now that I have forgotten it I wish to remember it. Any memory of Genesis is a memory I treasure.


This memory was about my induction. My doctor told me to come in at 6:00 am and that I would probably go home later that evening when "it was all over with." Well they couldn't have been more wrong. They induced me with Cirvidil. It was this tiny little white pill about the size of an aspirin. It was painful to have it inserted. My doctor told me that the most pills that she has ever used prior to me for an induction was 5 pills. So there I was, pill after pill, day after day and nothing was happening. Nothing at all. The whole time at the hospital they did not let me eat a thing because labor could kick in at anytime. 


There was a point on day 4 of this craziness, that my doctor comes in my room and tells me that the induction isnt working so far and the alternative. She told me about a clinic that will do their form of induction. Im not sure what the term for it is called but here is what she told me would happen there. They would stick toothpick like things into my cervix and it would drain all the amniotic fluid out. Once that was out she told me they would use a vacuum to suck out the "fetus". With this method the fetus would be destroyed... limbs would be ripped off, dismembered and pretty much demolished. I knew at that moment that I would never be doing that and if the induction didnt work then it was because it wasnt supposed to happen. I would have carried as long as I could in the pregnancy. Sure enough the next day, day 5 & 8 pills later,I finally went into labor and delivered my perfect stillborn baby girl at 5:21 pm.


But thinking back at the way my doctor described this procedure...and knowing that there are clinics that actually do this makes me want to throw up. I cant believe my doctor told me all of this as I was going through the most horrific event of my life. I feel like crying and throwing up just thinking about it. I dont know how I totally forgot about this conversation for so long.

And as a side note, when I got pregnant with my first rainbow, it's at that point the doctor chooses to tell me that anytime you have a second trimester induction, the subsequent pregnancy has a risk of a shortened cervix and preterm labor. I was in shock that she didn't tell me this at the time. I don't know if it would have made a difference on me agreeing to do it that way but that's a big enough issue were I would have wanted to be told. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ever feel like you cant win?

Like Ive said many a time before, I love the support there is in the BLM community. Its one of the kindest and most loving "support groups" out there. But just like in everyday life, BLMs are all unique in their own way. No two peoples story is alike. No two people have the same circumstances. No two people feel the same pain. No two people grieve the same way. No two people are changed the same way. So sometimes its challenging to give the right type of support to each person. Here, maybe this poem might show you a glimpse of what I mean:




You can't win with me
If you say to me " How are you going?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.
If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".
That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to say to me that's okay because I don't know
what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh don't assume I must have
forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.
Written by Jane Warland 1996

I try and be as supportive as I can to my fellow BLMs. I know they need it and I know they need to be heard. I do the best as I can being an imperfect human and with just my own experience to reference. I feel that a few times my words of support may actually hurt them more. I certainly dont mean to do that, and I have not been told directly or indirectly that they have... but I get the feeling sometimes that I just cant say the right thing. 

Just like when a non BLM may try to say something to me that is well intentioned but hurts. I know they dont mean it but it pisses me off. I dont want to be that person to one of our own, but how can I know until its too late? Some people say its better to say nothing than something that could hurt. While I agree that not hurting is better than hurting, I personally get hurt when the subject is ignored and nothing is said. Like the post title says, you just cant win. Everyone is different and interprets things differently and unfortunately well meaning words can and will continue to be taken the wrong way. And for that I am sorry if I ever caused that to anyone. But I feel good knowing I said something and tried rather than ignoring someones feelings when they were in need. And if this person is dear to me and a real BLM supporter, then we will work it out in the end and know that we both already went through enough pain and dont need to add to it and we will overcome it, and be even closer friends.


(just in case you were wondering this was not written with any specific person or persons in mind, Im just putting a general thought out there into blogland)

I have nothing profound to say

Just the same ol same ol, that I miss Genesis every. single. day. Today was kind of a "blah" day. It was neither bad nor good... maybe slightly sad. Im not really sure what emotion it was, just not myself. 


Perhaps it got that way because today on the freeway I saw a horrible accident. Well the aftermath of one. The car was flipped over on its roof and there were two fire trucks, a ambulance and tons of cops. As we got closer I saw that most of the people were outside of the car. There were two adult women. One of them was carrying a toddler girl. Then there were 3 more toddlers standing next to the car, two boys and a girl, and an infant in a car seat. The baby in the car seat was crying and there was a fireman crouched next to him trying to comfort him. It just broke my heart to see this. It looked like they may have been trying to get one more person out of the car but I cant imagine any more people stuffed in such a small car. The good news was that everyone seemed ok but that scene brought me to tears. I can only imagine how scared those poor little kids were. And how traumatic it was for everyone and how things could have been much much different. After seeing this I was just a little more down today. I guess I should have been happy they were ok but it only reminds me how delicate life is. How easily things could have gone the other way, like with Genesis. 


Anyway, I wish that I would dream of Genesis every night. Truth is I rarely do. I only had one dream of her when I was pregnant with her. All I can remember is this older baby...maybe 8-12 months. I dont really remember her face but I remember her eyes. They were the biggest and roundest most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were honey colored. That always stood out to me. Since then I cant really remember any dreams about her though I know there have probably been a few. Well last night I had another dream about her. She was in my arms and I could see her face. My dream was bad though. Plain scary and horrible. I dont know what my dream meant, if anything. Here is what happened:


I was meeting another BLM. She just had her baby. I dont recall who the BLM was, or if she had a boy or a girl, or where we were. But she showed me this tiny baby... Im guessing the baby was born around 24 weeks gestation. I had the feeling it was a boy though it wasnt clear. The baby was beautiful. He was resting on his right side, asleep in death, and was covered with a blanket up to his waist. He was just beautiful and I remember telling his mother that. I asked if I could touch him and she allowed me. His skin was so cold, yet so very soft. I felt so much love when I touched him. I then introduced her to Genesis. I had Genesis in my arms in a blanket. She was pretty big. Probably about the size of a 4 month old. In my dream the top of her head had closed (remember her birth defect?) but it was flat. She looked really odd to me. Not just her head but her whole body. She almost didnt seem human. I remember telling the other BLM about how she was stillborn but then she started moving in my arms. We both didnt think anything of this and I remember thinking how I wished things were different. She really started to move after that. I mean like trying to get out of my arms and climb all over me... kind of like holding a monkey that just wants to play. Only I didnt get that it was a playing kind of vibe. It was more of a zombie vibe. I remember that she looked almost skeletal. I remember I could feel the bones move under her skin and I was scared I was going to hurt her. While I was trying to gently hold her she turned to try and bite me and I saw these enormous teeth. It was more like fangs of a wild animal. And she bit my arm and I felt the pain of the flesh being ripped off my arm and her teeth sinking into the bone in my arm. I woke up after that. Im a bit bothered by this dream. I wasnt watching any movies or shows on tv that could have come up with this crazy dream. I dont associate anything in the dream with Genesis but that's the dream I had. Very odd. 


UPDATE: so I was doing a google search to find a picture of the honey colored eyes that I saw that Genesis had in my dream. I found a photo that looked like it and this is the link that photo was connected with: http://kimbyrleigha.tumblr.com/. Did you see the title of the first post at the top of the page for Sept 16th? "Genesis Laser Treatment". This has got to be a sign of some sort. Ive never seen or heard of this site before and for it to have her name on it is just amazing to me. The color for Genesis eyes can be found in the post titled "I love eyes! They come in so many colors!" from August 5th.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Baby Shower, Sigh...

This weekend was the second baby shower for my relative that is expecting. I did not go to the first as it was thrown by her husbands side of the family (the one last weekend). We were however invited to this second shower and pretty much the whole family decided to go and make a weekend trip out of it since she lives about 400 miles away.


It was a nice little trip. We got to see lots of family and I especially love seeing my grandmother who isnt doing so well. She just turned 90 last month and has alzheimer's and suffered a minor stroke in July. Every time I see her I fear it may be the last time. But I was so happy that we did get to see her again and she had yet another chance to see her great grand-rainbows. 


Speaking of my grandmother Id like to share something about her for a moment and just put the baby shower thing to the side for a moment.  I told my grandmother when we were expecting Genesis all about her and how happy I was to be pregnant. We were originally going to name Genesis Eva Violeta. My grandmothers name is Violeta and we were going to name the baby after her if it was a girl. Though I love my grandmother to death and love her name, I didnt feel that was our baby's name but I agreed to it because that is what my husband (at the time) liked. So I gave in and agreed though I didnt love it. Obviously that changed when she was born.


At any rate, by this time the alzheimer's had already kicked in. No one had the heart to tell her Genesis died. I didnt want her to suffer. I say no one... but really no one really would have spoken her name anyway so I suppose its more that I didnt have the heart. I want so badly to tell her all about Genesis and tell her that she in fact has 3 great grand babies by me but she is already so confused that I just cant. It hurts me so bad but I rather I hurt than for her to. One time many years ago, she asked about her mother. And we were trying to help her keep her mind sharp, or so we thought, and my mom replied with "your mom died over 20 years ago" and took it as if it happened that very moment and she had been hearing it for the first time. She started crying and it broke all our hearts. After that we decided to spare her that kind of information. But like I said, she has no idea the great granddaughter she is missing and that breaks my heart every time I see her, think of her, hear the family talking about all the grand and great grand kids she has. So seeing her yesterday was no different. Just another heartache. 


So on to the baby shower. I mentioned my relative is having a baby girl and girl showers are just so tough for me. Especially since I never got to have one for my first rainbow girl (more on that in a minute). I knew there were going to be triggers for me but I hoped for the best and at least I was praying to wait till I wasnt in public to cry. This isnt my first girl baby shower since Genesis died. It was actually my 3rd.


My first was about 5 months after Genesis died. I felt crazy for going but it was a good friend of mine who was pregnant and I felt that I just had to go to show my support. I was of course pregnant with D but it made it no easier to be there. I was only able to stay about an hour before it got to me. I left and cried the whole way home and most of the next day. I also went to go see her daughter when she was born and again I dont know what I was thinking doing that so soon after Genesis died. But I actually held the baby while my friend was in the bathroom and I just started bawling. I mean uncontrollably. For a split second I daydreamed that that as my little girl. The one that shouldnt have died. And the emotions all came pouring out. Though of course my friend and her husband thought it was just tears of joy of seeing a new baby. I guess those were in there somewhere but I was grieving for the daughter I would never hold, alive. But anyway, moving along, the second shower was a little over a year ago for the sister of a co-worker. It helped that I didnt know her as well but still seeing all those little girl things killed me and once again I had to leave early and just cry in the car.


Well the one yesterday was the first one for someone in the family. I had heard from my brother, aka offender #1, that he wasnt going to be there so I felt that it was going to be more peaceful and easier to handle given that fact. Everything was going fine during the shower. The kids were playing and having a good time, I got to see family, there was great food and music. It was all around nice. Until my brother and his wife show up. 


They of course brought my nephew who I adore and love but I just have to say that he is a mean kid. Like the bully that rallies all the other kids against the one really nice kid on the playground. My brother even told me about how mean he is and to watch him but it still breaks my heart every time when I see how mean he is to D. He gets all the other kids to gang up against D and lock him out of the clubhouse or kick him out of their game or whatever. And there is D saying "friends... my friends, wait...." It breaks my heart and I have to remind them all that they are all friends (and family) and have to play nice. Sigh, but thats besides the point. Then my brother casually walks by me and says hi and continues on the see other friends and family. Not so much as a hug or a smile. Then his wife...dont get me started... greets me with a handshake. She has been doing this for a while now and I have no clue why. We used to be good friends before they got married and as soon as they said "I do" everything changed. So yea... after they made their appearance I got more tense and the anxiety started to kick in a bit and just felt sad for the way they treat me. I was still holding it together pretty well though. 


Then it was time to open the gifts. Oh boy... This was the hard part. You'd think this wouldn't bother me as I have baby girl things at home for G. I dont think it was so much the actual clothes that got to me but the excitement of planning for and celebrating a little girl and everyone sharing in the joy with you. I remember the shower that Genesis never got to have. And I remember the celebration that G didnt have either. I was able to avoid shedding any tears or leaving early but it just hurt that I never got a celebration for either of my girls. Why isnt anyone happy for me for this huge event in my life? Finally having a living daughter.


I mentioned in earlier posts that I didnt really want a shower for G as I didnt really need/want anything but I would have loved a blessingway to celebrate this incredible new life that meant to very much to me. But because of how I got pregnant, artificial insemination and choosing to be a single mom this time, I knew that my family and church friends would not be supportive and I didnt want to throw a celebration and have no one show up. I would have been even more heartbroken. 


So at the shower I got to thinking. Ive heard of people having a baby shower after the baby is born. Why cant I have a blessingway after G is born? I dont want/need gifts, this would solely be to celebrate what a blessing she is. I was talking to my sister about this and she thought it would be a great idea. I thought it would be a spa theme. And since my sister is in cosmo school and knows  how to do facials, mani/pedis, you know the works, why not have her and her friends help pamper all my girlfriends?! She agreed that she would do this for me. And of course we would have some yummy drinks like cosmos or martinis or granitas or whatever. Lots of yummy desserts and sandwiches, it would be a treat for all my friends. And I feel more people are likely to come now that they have seen G and they see how adorable she is and how worth celebrating she is and what an incredible journey Ive gone through to get where I am today. Plus I have more BLM friends now too who know what a monuments event this is in my life. Rainbows are certainly worth celebrating!


So I was thinking of starting to plan this and have it in the next 2 months or so. Its in the early stages of planning. So this is an open invitation to all my blm friends, mom blm friends, family, or really anyone who would care to celebrate what a miracle life is. Like I said, its still in the planning stages and dont have a date yet but think November sometime. Im in Los Angeles and I hope anyone locally can make it. If you are not close, you are still invited...I just cant provide the transportation, sorry hahah! But if this is something you think you would like to attend please either message me on facebook or leave a comment here. I would love to have you all be part of something that means so much to me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Ok, I have to ask

I have seen a few people say this and it gets to me every time. I agree there is nothing worse than losing a child. Period. But a stillborn baby is not the same as an infant. Just as an infant, is not the same as an older child or adolescent. I have seen people say that losing a baby, say for example, in your 9th month of pregnancy is the same as losing a 9 year old child. In my opinion, no it is not. 


When someone says this I think to myself: "you had 9 years of memories, of knowing your child, of hearing I love you, of kissing them goodnight, of seeing their smiles, of photos.... you had 9 years of everything... I didnt even have 1 minute, not one literal second of my daughter living outside me." The difference I think is what you can hold on to when they are gone. Not the strength of your bond or love, that I believe to be the same as I would have given my life to save Genesis if I could have even though I had not even met her. I imagine there is so much more after 9 years than what I had when Genesis left me. I have a blanket, 2 ultrasound photos and one photo of her after her birth. I can hold all her physical memories in one hand.


I have seen in the online community where other similarities were compared like a stillborn child or a critically ill child. I want to make it clear that this is not a competition on who had it worse. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, any child loss are equally as horrific but all different in their own way. We are all BLMs but have our own pathways down the same journey, living life without our children. What are your thoughts on this?

Im old

Ok ok Im not old. Its just my birthday today. Im 27 but I feel like Im going on 50. Not physically, emotionally. This quote hits close to home:


Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but 
she is dying.
She may look young, but inside 
she has become ancient.
She smiles, 
but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS
but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

-Donna Jones


I have felt like the bolded part for a while. Since Genesis died. And Im secretly, or not so secretly, terrified of inching my way closer to 30.


One good thing did happen this morning though. My coworker and friend posted on my wall on facebook saying "You're finally 27 with 3 kids..." This touched my heart as she isnt a BLM. But obviously she knows of Genesis and still remembers her. The only other time in my life Genesis was acknowledged without my prompting, was at D's babyshower. My good friend Jen wrote on the card to her gift "congratulations on being and becoming a mom." Words like that mean so much to me. So thank you Angelina for being a great friend to not only me but to Genesis too. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Am I allowed to post this?

I have gone back and forth a bit if I should be posting things on this blog not related to Genesis. I have a private blog that I have had for quite some time that I use as a journal. And then I have this one that is Genesis' special spot in the universe. I had planned to separate the two but they overlap with certain issues. Also you can get a better idea of what I really going through if I include extra things here, but at the same time I didn't want to detract from Genesis.


So after much consideration I have decided to share extra thigs on this blog and then we will see how it goes. The first "extra" thing I wanted to share is my financial situation. First off let me say I am not looking for pity. I just hope for people to understand better what I deal with and how I feel.


After my husband left me, that was the beginning of what I consider to be my financial ruin. Together my husband and I made a very comfortable income. Especially for a couple of 22 year olds. We lived a comfortable lifestyle filled with beautiful vacations, nice jewelry and designer clothes. All these things we enjoyed, not to an extreme but more than a your typical family. Plus we were young and impulsive. We reasoned that we should put it on credit most of the time to build our credit score and then pay it off when the bills came. We had the money to do it. Great plan right? Wrong. I say "we" but it was mostly "I" because my husband had horrible credit so the cards we had were in my name alone. I had a little savings account with a few thousand in there for emergencies. When he left, he stole every penny in that savings account even though the account was in my name alone. Yes, he committed bank fraud. It's a long and complicated story, but even though I wanted to prosecute the bank would not allow me. That money was gone, never to be seen again.


The company I worked for at the time had just been sold to a new owner in November of 2007. I was so short on money since I just lost half of my household income so I picked up extra shifts and did lots of overtime at work, working all the holidays from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Years Eve and Day. Something happened with the new owner and he refused to pay any of us for our work. Long story short, the company went bankrupt, they owed me over $3,000.00 in unpaid wages and I have yet to see a dime to this day. All of my extra work was a struggle for me as I was pregnant with my first rainbow and so physically exhausted and in pain all the time. But all my hard work was done in vain.


I ended up having to sell my nice things on craigslist to be able to pay the bills and put food on the table. Food was tough... Though pregnant there were times I would only have one meal a day. Not only because money was tight but also because of the stress. If I'm super stressed I don't eat. I felt guilty about that but my doctor had no concerns about my weight or the baby.


I sold more and more things. I sold all of my exes things as well as he made it clear he didn't want anything. I did odd little jobs here and there to make an extra buck. One job was working for Edible Arrangements for Valentines Day. It was so depressing delivering these gifts of love when my own husband just left me while pregnant. I was sent running around 6 different cities to make these deliveries, used up my own gas, got lost several times and didn't get back till close to 10 pm with Braxton hicks contractions and swollen feet. I did all that for a measly $150.00 and spent $50 of my own money on gas so really it was only for $100.00. Live and learn I suppose.


In addition to that I wasn't able to afford toys for my baby. I actually found most of them in an ally by my house. They were old but still good. I cleaned them up and they were decent enough to use. Thrift stores became my best friend. Not that anything is wrong with shopping at thrift stores, but it was certainly a lifestyle adjustment from what I had been used to.


As I neared the end of my unemployed pregnancy I finally had to apply for government help. I got on a program called CalWorks. It's a cash aid, medi-cal and foodstamp program. I hated that I was on this program but I had no choice. I had payed taxes for years and now it was here to help me.


I'm so thankful for this program as it saved me in so many ways. I also got on the WIC program which was also a godsend. I was determined to get off the program as fast as possible. I am certainly not one of those people that abuse those programs.


All the while my ex left me with tens of thousands of debt. (Yes it was in my name but he helped spend it too) And he had not given me a dime since he left. No help with anything for the baby, no child support, no payment for the debt, no nothing.


Thankfully I had been living at home with my parents when this all happened. They actually were renting a back house to me. But after all this happened they allowed me to stay with free rent. I am eternally grateful for that.


I wasn't able to find a job again until my first rainbow was 7 months old. Things got a little better as I slowly got back on my feet. I was able to get off assistance relatively quickly. And little by little getting back on track.


Though I am much better than were I used to be, it's still a struggle especially in this economy. I hate going from paycheck to paycheck. I hate not knowing at the end of the month when my next meal will be. It always works out but I hate that uncertainty. And the fact that I am currently on unpaid maternity leave is adding to my financial stress.


Well today I was watching "The Pursuit of Happyness". My relative was here watching it as well and mentioned during the movie how it really puts things into perspective. Although life is nowhere near as tough for me right now as it was for the character in that movie, I still related to the struggles and was so thankful for the little I do have. My relative laughed at me and said "what do you mean? You live in a nice house and have nice things..." I had to correct her. Yes, I stay in my parents nice home but it is not mine. If it were not for them I would have had to file for bankruptcy and would be living in a homeless shelter with my kids. She laughed it off like it was a joke or something. This rubbed me the wrong way. Just because I'm not begging at a street corner or have dirt on my face or just cuz I'm not wearing rags or drive a piece of junk car doesn't mean I'm not going through tough times. I had to tell her how I sold all my nice things... She really didn't seem to care. Instead she replied with kinda a smart aleck remark saying "well if you want me to say your poor fine..." that wasn't the point at all. It's just no one knows my struggles and what I've been through and just cuz I'm smiling and still standing and keep going doesn't mean it's cuz everything is peachy. It just takes less energy to smile than to sit in a dark closet all day crying.


I just hate peoples assumptions. And don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed to have gone through all this as it taught me so much and I grew so much from it. I just want my struggles to be acknowledged, or perhaps I want my efforts to be acknowledged.


But I'm still one paycheck away from being in a homeless shelter and losing everything if anything were to happen to my income. And that's what most people don't know.
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