Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It always comes back to her

I have had a pretty drama filled evening that I'd rather not go into detail about but I just got hurt very bad, emotionally, by a family member. It had nothing to do with Genesis...just family drama. But somehow by the end of it I was talking about Genesis.

It seems any time I get hurt or something makes me cry, no matter what it is, it always goes back to Genesis. Its like, haven't I been through enough pain and now all these other things add to it. Of course losing your child makes everything else seem like nothing but it still hurts. Its still emotionally draining and not to mention stressful. 

So why is that? Why is it that it always goes back to her? Is it because I live with the pain every single day of my life and when something hurts me its so close to the surface that it comes out? Is that it? Or is it when something else makes me cry it reminds me of the time in my life that I have cried the most? Or maybe Im trying to play the sympathy card? What is it? Does anyone else go through this or am I just an emotional mess?

I just feel awful. I have what Ann would call a cry hangover and I know its going to be worse tomorrow. I hope I dont wake up with a migraine. Sigh... I wish I had the power to change everything. I know we all do.

Monday, August 30, 2010

She made my day special

I love it when I get winks from Genesis. I was in the backyard for just a couple minutes and as soon as I get there a beautiful red dragonfly flies by going up and down on the wind waves and just flying by me. Then all of a sudden a second one joins her and the two of them were playing and flying around me and my rainbows. It was beautiful. D noticed them and said "Look! Dragonfly. Pretty." one of them landed right by me as well. I was even able to get a photo of one flying by.

Also this evening I noticed something really pretty. My neighbor across the street has a hibiscus tree and the sun was setting behind the tree and made the flowers glow. It was beautiful. I got a picture but I was a little far away and my camera isn't that great. So the picture doesn't do the beauty I saw justice.

Here is a little closer look.

All these beautiful things in nature always remind me of Genesis. I see her beauty in nature I guess.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Phase 2

Ok my BLMs, Im moving on to phase 2 of my video project. Here is what Im am looking for now. Im looking for BLM & BLD who are willing to be in the video. I will send you the lines or phrases to say and you need to be able to video tape yourself saying it and be able to email it to me. I prefer the best video quality possible. So this can be taken with a video camera, a video cam on your computer, a high quality cell phone or anything else I may have missed. 

Im looking for everyone. Im looking for those that have lost a son, a daughter or both. Im looking for those with multiples... like twins and triplets and so forth. Im also looking for those who may have had a rainbow or perhaps an older child before your loss and are willing to include them in the video. If you dont have any living children thats fine too, Im looking for you too. If you match any of this and would like to be a part of this video that is sure to change the way we are treated, then please leave me a comment here and include which category you fall in. Here is an example comment:

Tiffany- BLM to my daughter, Genesis, and mama to 2 rainbows Id like to include in the video

Depending on the number of volunteers, I will let you know if we need more submissions or if we are ready to move on. If I get an enormous amount of volunteers I may not be able to use everyone. But either way I cant do this without you all. I hope I have your support. 

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I need your help

I have an idea for an awesome video for the BLM community and to raise awareness and for people to get over making pregnancy and infant loss such a taboo subject. Its also so that they dont keep adding injury to pain with all the stupid comments. I dont want to give all the details away because I want to surprise you guys when Im done. I need some help from you all though. I need you to please leave me a comment here or on my facebook page about how you are treated, how you feel when people say things and what you are being told. These are examples of what Im looking for:

*you need to get over it
*it wasnt like it was a real baby
*you're not a mother
*you dont have a child
*at least you didnt bond with it

They may or may not have said those exact things but perhaps thats how they made you feel. I need you to tell me the most ridiculous and hurtful statements that people have said or implied. Tell me how they made you feel. Tell me who told you this... family? what family? your brother? aunt? mother? Was it your coworker? a neighbor? a stranger? Please share with me as much info as you can. I am hoping once this video is done it will make an impact to others looking into the babyloss community. Later on I will be needing volunteers to perhaps make an appearance/ statement in the video and mention their babies. I have a feeling this is gonna be huge. But I need your help. I dont know how long it will take to finish but I cant do it without your help. Lets make a statement that we are not afraid to speak about our children, we are not afraid. And the rest of the world doesnt need to be either. 

Random Thoughts

Im sure Im not the only BLM with random thoughts. Thoughts that I sometimes feel guilty for thinking about. Ill show you what I mean. Every once in a while I will daydream about adopting a little girl. A little girl that happened to be born around the time Genesis was. So that I can feel like I was supposed to feel being the mother of 3 kids. It makes me feel bad that I think this every once in a while. Because its not that Im trying to replace Genesis. She is irreplaceable. But its more like Im trying to get as close as I can as to what life was supposed to be like. Ya know?

Ive also seen those reborn babies that look so lifelike. They are beautiful dolls and I know that some mamas have them. Im happy for them that they find some peace with them. But then I question if its for me. Is it weird? will I be judged? I mean... Im a grown woman and I want/need a doll? As you can see I have mixed emotions. I think part of me would feel getting a doll like this would be kind of healing but then I step back and I think it may be kind of crazy... I dont know. I told you I had mixed feelings. And I dont judge others who have one... Im just more judgmental when it comes to myself. I already get a lot of grief from everyone else all I need is to do something else for them to be on top of me about. 

But Id like to know what your thoughts are on either one of these topics... adoption of a child the same age that your lost baby would be today and the reborn dolls. Do you play around with these ideas or others? Or am I just crazy for having these thoughts pop in my head? I cant be the only one.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Little More About Me

So I realized that most of you still don't know all that much about me so I thought Id spill some details. I am the oldest of 4 kids. All 4 of us are adopted from different families. Growing up I always knew I was adopted, it wasnt like my parents dropped the bomb on me one day or anything. I just always knew. My brother and I are only 2 months apart so it was like raising twins for my parents. Then when I was 8 came my younger brother and when I was 9 came my sister. 

Growing up I always noticed that siblings that went to my school would look alike. I always wished I had a sibling that looked like me. I always wondered if I had biological family out there, which I do and recently found them if you check out the "My Story" tab. But when it came to having children, having my own biological children meant more to me than your average person. Im not against adoption, after all, I believe it saved my life. Id be open to it in the future but I wanted biological children first. It means so much to me too, that my kids look like me. I hope that doesnt sound vain. I dont mean it like that. But blood family is something that I treasure. 

Anyway, moving along, I have two nephews. My sister just had a baby 25 days before I had my second rainbow, so you know they are super close and its like having twins in the house again. My brother, the one thats 2 months younger than me, has a son as well. His wife and I were actually pregnant at the same time...I was pregnant with Genesis. I mentioned in the "My Story" tab that my brother decided to announce their pregnancy as I was coming home from the hospital after having Genesis... ya, dont get me started. Their son was born on October 15th, 2007. It was shocking to me that out of all the days he could have been born he was born on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day the same year Genesis died. Kinda weird but it always reminds me of Genesis. 

Genesis would have been the first grandchild for my parents...or rather I should say that she IS the first grandchild born. See what the thinking of others do to us? But because she was stillborn thats not recognized and my brother likes to rub it in my face that his son was the first grandchild. He always says his son is the oldest of all the cousins.... and I guess he's right. But then I think that Genesis was actually 7 months older than him. It stabs my heart every time.

This post was supposed to give you more background on me but since we are talking about stabs in my heart, I guess we'll go there and I guess it does tell you a little more about myself. It seems that my brother is the number one offender when it comes to insulting me about Genesis. Im a religious person. Not very, but I do have my beliefs. Ill be the first one to tell you that I should go to church more, and study the bible more, but hey Im imperfect and there is always room for improvement right? So I use the term "angel" to describe Genesis. Although I dont literally believe that she is an angel floating in the heavens. I do believe in heaven but believe it has a different purpose. I have a different hope and faith for Genesis. But I still use that term when I speak about her because its easily understood by everyone and its more gentle than saying "my dead baby." My family is VERY religious. So my brother saw me use the term "Angel" and told my family that I was now Catholic. I think there is nothing wrong with being Catholic. To each their own and whatever faith they belong to then thats great. You should do what works for you. But to my family this was a huge deal, that I supposedly turned my back on my faith. This huge rumor spread like wildfire and relatives were giving me the cold shoulder and looking at me differently. I finally cleared the situation with everyone but I was so upset at my brother. So upset that he took the single most traumatic event... the biggest tragedy of my life and turned it around into a false accusation and used it to hurt me. How can you do that? My relationship with my brother slowly started going downhill since high school and because of the way he treats me and Genesis memory now our relationship is hardly a relationship anymore. We see each other maybe once or twice a year. When we do see each other I am greeted with a handshake. He doesnt call me or care about his nephew and niece. He lives a few hours away so I know that he would use that as an excuse as to why he doesnt visit, but I know of times where he is in town and doesnt stop by. It hurts me because I love my nephew so much. I get so happy to see him and play with him but the feeling is not mutual with his nephew and niece. I wish that I could sit him down one day and talk to him. I mean really talk to him. Not to fix anything because I think we are way past that, but to let him know about how I feel about the way he treated me following Genesis death. I dont know when Ill do it or if ever. But Ive replayed it over and over in my head what I would say to him. Sigh.... I just wish people, but especially family would understand. I know its a horrible thing to say but Im sure Im not the first BLM to think it: Sometimes I wish it happened to them, for just a split second, so they could stop hurting me with their actions and words and just understand me.

A nice chat

Yesterday I had a nice chat with an old friend. And when I say old friend I mean we go way back. Like 3rd grade back. And I was just filling him in on my traumatic last few years. He is not part of the babylost community, thank goodness, and so I thought that talking to him about Genesis would be just like I had talked to everyone else. You BLMs know what Im talking about. You are shot down or ignored, subject changed or mocked or looked at oddly for wanting to remember your child. Well not this time.

He listened. I mean really listened. He asked questions that showed he was genuinely interested. He agreed that baby loss is considered taboo and had no idea why. He even recognized why its easier for other people to ignore it than to acknowledge it and how ridiculous it is that outside people want the easy way out when it comes to our grief and it has nothing to do with them. And the way they act causes us twice the pain. He understood the need for us BLMs to speak about our children. There is a quote that I love that says "When a baby is born, it's the mothers instinct to protect that baby. When a baby dies, it's the mothers instinct to protect their memory." Its so true, because that is all we have left. So I was so touched that someone was actually listening to me and he understood. Well, he understood as much as someone could who has not had such a loss. And for that I was touched and thankful that I could share Genesis' story with yet another person. And I was more impressed with the fact that he is a man and still understood and listened. Not that men dont or cant do that. Its just when there is a pregnancy or infant loss it is different for men than for women. I know in my case I was the only one that really bonded with the baby. I was the one who felt her kick. I would talk to her, rub my belly, bond during ultrasounds. Its just different for men. They didnt get the same experience we did. Im not saying the pain is less for them... just saying its different. So to have a person who has not experienced this and this person happens to be a man really meant a lot to me. Im glad at least one more person out there acknowledges that I have 3 children. And I usually dont like to name people by name here, but I will give kudos where kudos are deserved... so thank you Greg :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

YAY for mail!

Remember I mentioned a few posts back how I got my rainbow's shirts to wear for our walk to remember from a fellow BLM? Well they came in the mail yesterday. What do you think?

I LOVE THEM! They are better than I expected. I can't wait for all of us to be wearing our shirts. Ill be taking lots of pictures! Unfortunately I will not be posting pictures of my rainbows here because of privacy concerns but if you are my friend on facebook I will definitely be posting them there. If we are not friends on facebook yet, please feel free to find me and let me know you are a BLM. I will gladly add you.

Also speaking about mail, I had bought these little dragonflies for Genesis before she was born and after she died... well there was really no use for them. I kept one to put in her memory box but I had no idea what to do with the rest. That is until I met a fellow BLM, Kalialani, from The Butterfly Room on facebook. Here daughter Leila and Genesis have a lot of things in common including that dragonflies were her thing. So I decided to share Genesis' dragonflies with Leila's mommy and mail her one. Here is a pic of the one Genesis has:
And here is the one that we mailed to Leila and Kalialani. And can I say how honored and touched I am that Kalia took a picture of our girls dragonflies next to a picture of little Leila. Its just beautiful.
Im so glad that our girls brought us together. Its always nice to meet BLM...not because its nice what we have gone through, but its nice someone understands and we can offer support to each other. But then there are some BLM that you just connect with better than others. Though I have not known Kalialani or Leila long, I have a special place for them in my heart. I feel like we are family, she's like a sister to me. So I guess that makes me Leila's aunt lol :) And I just know that Leila and Genesis are bff's. And as a side note, Kalia so kindly allowed me to use her photo of Leila from her own blog. She likes to share her story and Leila's memory with as many people as possible. To read more about Kalialani & Leila's story, click on the blog button to the left for The Butterfly Room.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Since she's been gone

I apologize ahead of time. Im going to be all over the place with this post. I just have a lot on my mind.

Since Genesis died I have been through an emotional roller coaster ride to say the least. Of course the days and weeks and months following her death were the hardest to get through. I was drowning in agony and add to that dealing with my husband leaving me and being pregnant with my first rainbow terrified of anything happening to him and then figuring out how in the world I was going to do this as a single mom. I thought there was no escape from this nightmare.

I was right to an extent. You never wake up from this nightmare. Its real. Its my life. Sometimes I step back and question this. Did my daughter really die? are these her ashes? Did my marriage fall apart? Am I all alone? all this before the age of 24 (at the time)? Sometimes I feel like this isnt my life. It cant be my life. why me?

I miss Genesis so so very much. My grief is much different than it was right after she left me. And for that I sometimes feel guilty. There is not a day that does by that I dont hurt for her. I see my rainbows and I feel so so blessed to have them but then I realize all that I am missing out on. Everything we do as a family I look at and think I should have 3 kids doing this right now.

Ill never know what color eyes she had. Ill never know what her voice sounded like. She will never smile. Ill never get to wipe her tears when she cries. Ill never see any milestones. Ill never get to hear her say the words "mommy I love you." Ill never get to have a family picture with all my babies in it. Ill never have anything with Genesis that life has to offer. Not in this life anyway.

I know I dont feel the same pain as in the beginning, but I do still feel pain. I know I dont cry as much as I used to, but I do still cry. I dont think of her every minute of everyday like I used to, but I do think of her everyday. I know grief is an individual thing and there is no right or wrong way to do it. But I feel bad that it doesnt hurt me like it did before. Does that make sense? It sounds weird I know. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel bad that life is going on without her. I feel bad that I must move on. I have not forgotten her or anything... but as life moves forward, so must I.

I feel bad that my rainbows will never get to know their big sister. I want them to know who she is and how important to our family she is. I have met a few people who hear my story and though they have not had a loss themselves will say "Oh, my mom had a stillborn baby." Ok, well that stillborn baby is your sibling. Yet they detach themselves from that child because they dont know him/her. I had asked one of these people about their still born sibling addressing the baby by name and this person replied with "who?" And then when I explained they said "oh yea." I dont want that to be my kids. I want them to know they had and have a big sister. I dont want her to be forgotten. But I have no idea how to go about teaching them this without being looked at as crazy.

Something else I wanted to put out there was that going through something like this changes you. I mean really changes you and everything you do. Like the butterfly effect. Have you seen that movie? One event causes a ripple effect on your whole life and changes everything. Thats exactly what happens. I feel because of this I am a different mother to my kids than I would have been otherwise. Better? maybe. But definitely different. When you are pregnant with a rainbow baby, and it doesnt have to be your first rainbow, you are so scared something may happen. You rent a doppler to give you some peace of mind. You do kick counts more diligently than before. You pay more attention to everything because you are scared. After your baby is born the fear doesnt go away. At least for me it hasn't. Its a different type of fear.

Have you seen Finding Nemo? In the beginning Marlin loses his wife because she was eaten by a bigger fish. All his children (eggs) were lost as well, except one. Nemo. He treasures Nemo so so very much that he doesn't want anything to happen to him. That's what I feel like. I never cared about birth interventions or vaccines or anything when I was pregnant with Genesis. Yes, maybe I was just ignorant. Maybe I just wasnt worried about it. Either way I see it differently now. I most certainly care about how I give birth and the interventions and how it may or may not affect my baby. I care about vaccines and side effects and all that. I care about who my children play with, who watches them... I care about everything differently than I would have before. Ill be the first to tell you I know that I am over protective. I dont think I am at an insane level of over protectiveness but I am trying to loosen up a bit so my children can have fun. A line in Finding Nemo always sticks out to me. It's the scene where Dory and Marlin are inside the whale. Marlin thinks this is the end and he wont get to save Nemo. Here is their conversation:

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: hmmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: what?
Dory: Well, you can't never let nothing happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

Im working on bringing my protective walls down. I dont want to be scared of everything and everyone. Being a single mom makes this worse because there is no man to look out for me and my kids. There is no protector or head of the house. I am all that and more. And again I want to make it clear that Im not obsessive about this. But I could loosen up like not care so much if he his nana lets him play with the neighbor kids. Who cares if he maybe catches a cold from them? ya know? There are bigger things for me to worry about, right? I just struggle with it because I have already held a cold fragile lifeless child in my arms....I couldn't survive doing it again. And I hate to be negative natalie but I always seem to see things in the worst case scenario. I want to be prepared for the worst and unexpected. I have to figure out a way to juggle these things and not go to either extreme.

oh and getting back to my emotions. Right after Genesis died and before I got pregnant with my first rainbow I hated seeing pregnant women. Im sure you can relate. I hated them with a passion. It would make me so sad. And of course I would see them EVERYWHERE I went. It was awful. I always passed by the baby isle of stores with a heavy heart. I would look down those isles wishing that I would need those things. After I had my son I still ached for having a living daughter. The little girls section in the store was enough to make me burst into tears and run out of the store. It was bad. It was a club that I felt I would never belong to... the mama of a girl club. All the cute little clothes got to me every time. I would be out and about and people would see my son and say "oh he's so cute! Now you just need a little girl." Those words stabbed at my heart and I could only reply with "You have no idea." Now that I have a daughter I feel better about passing through any section at the store. Baby things dont really bother me anymore. What gets to me though are baby things with dragonflies on them. I have no need for any more baby items but every time I see something with dragonflies I have to fight the urge to buy it.

Another surprising emotion is that now that I have had 2 rainbows, a boy and a girl, I thought I would get over the hurt I would feel when seeing other prego ladies. I was surprised to find out that it still bothered me. Not as much, but every pregnant woman reminded me of the pregnancy I had with Genesis that would never result in a living baby. Its even worse if I know the lady is going to have a girl. It just hurts. I want to be happy for friends and family who tell me they are pregnant and I am but not 100%. And I feel bad for feeling this after I have had rainbows. There are moms out there that were like me in the beginning that have lost their only child and for me to feel this now I feel isnt fair to them. Yet this is how I feel. Im just being honest. Oh these crazy emotions. Like I said earlier, I know Im all over the place today. I just needed to get it out.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

She cheered me up today

It's been super hot here in good ol' Los Angeles and I thought I would get out of the house today. I packed up my rainbows and got in the car and took a drive to Santa Monica. It started off really nice. AC on full blast, listening to Britney, Gaga, John Legend, have my precious rainbows with me, have the sun roof open and just enjoying the day. I was in heaven for a moment. I was really happy and at peace without a care in the world. Then I got to thinking, like I do most days. And I was thinking how I should have 3 kids in the back seat enjoying this beautiful day. I got to thinking of my horrible ex and everything he has put me through. I just was juggling all sorts of thoughts and then before I knew it I felt like crying.

I felt like crying but I couldn't. I felt like I needed to just bawl my eyes out, cry hysterically till I cant breathe through my nose and my eyes hurt from how swollen they are, soak a dozen tissues, scream into a pillow kind of cry. Like my good fried Ann puts it, I needed to cry so hard that I would wake up with a cry hangover. But I just could not shed one tear at that moment. I planned on doing it when I got home though. It's a release, ya know?

Well to my surprise Genesis made my day a lot better today. Here is how. I went to visit the new mall in Santa Monica, you know that 3 story one for all my local people, and I saw this huge line for something. I asked and it turns out they were giving away free t-shirts. Not just any t-shirts. There were airbrush artists that would put any name and a photo on the shirt for you FREE of charge. That's right people, FREE. Immediately I knew what I wanted. As mentioned in an earlier post, I have already bought shirts for my rainbows when attending our walk to remember to say that they are walking for their big sister but I had nothing to wear and I had no idea what I wanted or where I was going to get it. I got Genesis name on my shirt with a pink sunset. Im going to wear this on our special day.

My family was also there with me and I was afraid they were going to say something about me getting a shirt with Genesis name, or completely ignore it and make me feel awkward. Well when my mom saw it she was all smiles and she said how beautiful it was. I told her where I was going to wear it to and she said that was a wonderful idea. My day got turned around with this great surprise. Not to mention my rainbows got their own shirts too! I can honestly say, today was a good day.

Los Angeles Babylost Friendship Group

I am happy to announce that through joint efforts with Carley Marie Dudley, there is now a Los Angeles Babylost Friendship Group on facebook. Click here to visit the page. This page was created in the hopes that local BLM can come together and support each other and participate in local events.

Want to see if there is a local friendship group in your area? Click here to see if there is. If there isn't, feel free to follow the steps to contact Carly and create one. BLM in your area will thank you.


I asked my BLM friends on facebook this question and got some awesome responses so I thought I would ask you all this question.

Do you get *winks* from your baby? What I mean by that is, does something ever happen that cant be explained but you know its your baby? Do you see something that reminds you of them that is not the norm? Do you ever get a feeling come over you that you just know they are there? or that you were supposed to cross paths with someone because of them?

I do. I love it when that happens. So my daughter has a pretty unique name...Genesis. I have never met another Genesis in my life. I have never seen it anywhere before. After Genesis died I would see her name everywhere. I mean everywhere. I was driving around and stopped at a light and looked to my left and there was a sign that said "Genesis Flowers." On another occasion, I was driving home from work on Genesis 1 yr angelversary of her death and a truck pulled in front of me out of no where and it said "Genesis Plumbing" on the back door so that I was face to face with this sign for almost my entire drive home. The day before her 2 yr angelversary I was on a plane and saw the clouds make a shadow on the ground that looked like angel wings. On her 2 yr angelversary that was the day that Carly emailed me her name in the sand, and she had no idea that was such a significant day for me. On her 3 yr angelversary (this year) Carly emailed me once again with a personalized dragonfly in the sand with Genesis name on it. It was a giveaway that I won. Also dragonflies were Genesis thing. I find dragonflies following me or circling me.

There were two more *winks* that happened to me recently and they were through Molly Bears. I became a fan of the Molly Bears facebook page and requested a Genesis Bear. Another BLM had joined the group and saw my request and sent me a message. Turns out we both had stillborn daughters, roughly at the same gestation, both born in the month of March and check this out... HER BABY'S NAME WAS GENESIS TOO! I thought that was just too much to be a coincidence. Im not sure why we crossed paths but I am glad we did. I feel like I was supposed to get to know her. Also Brigitte, founder of Molly Bears, shared a birthday with Genesis! WOW! And speaking of Molly Bears I got her in the mail yesterday. Check her out:

Isn't she pretty? Genesis was born very close to St. Patricks Day so it always reminds me of her and of course yellow was one of her colors. And I know Im getting a little sidetrack here but I just had to share. Brigitte from Molly Bears was recently interviewed for the channel 6 news in San Diego. You can watch the video below.

Anyway, getting back to *winks*. There are a ton of other things but you see what Im saying. Id love for you to share your stories of ways your baby has *winked* at you. Ive been calling them Winks but Id love to hear what you call them. Do you think its just a coincidence? or that we only see or notice them now because of our babies? I think there are too many things for it to just be a coincidence. But Id love to hear what you think about it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I did it

I went and dropped off my memory box to the hospital. I thought it would be a quick process. Get in, drop it off, take a picture and adios. But no.

As I mentioned before the awesome lady I talked to on the phone, Senene was her name, wasn't going to be there today. Instead she told me to ask for a Tracy. Tracy was as compassionate as Senene was over the phone. She delicately took the memory box and opened it to see all the little "treasures" inside. She adored each item in there and was really touched by my donation. She told me she could tell it was made with love. And of course like I predicted I cried. But they were not all sad tears, they were mixed in with happy tears as well.

She gave me several hugs and offered to walk me to the new garden for their lost babies. I agreed. The garden was so calming and beautiful. They have a little waterfall in there and a mama and baby statue on the path. I cried again when I saw this.
She then offered to walk me to the chapel and even though I have my own beliefs I agreed and was in awe of how beautiful the stained glass window was.

She took her time with the tour and even played with my kids that I brought along. She was very kind and invited me back to the garden anytime I wanted. And she thanked me over and over for the memory box. Just an amazing experience.

The BLM Community

I have got to tell you how much I love the BLM community. It's a community that you wish you were never a part of, and no one would join voluntarily. But, if you are forced to join this awful club, it is one of the best, if not the best, online support communities there is. I have never met a group of more understanding, supportive and loving people. It's incredible.

Unfortunately I did not come across this community until it had already been about 2 years that my dear Genesis died. Those two years were very difficult where I had no one that could relate or understand what I was and still am going through. I came across To Write Their Names In The Sand, and the lovely and life changing Carly Marie Dudley. Yes that name is a well known name among the BLM community. It was her that actually coined the phrase BLM and started Babylost Mothers Day and August 19th Day of Hope. It was through he first blog that I found this community filled with wonderful mamas and daddies.

As I mentioned before, I along with my two rainbows are attending the OC Walk to Remember this year. I wanted to have my rainbows wear special shirts saying who they were walking for, their big sister. So I went to one of my favorite sites, Etsy.com to see what they had. I found a seller that did embroidery on kids clothing that said "Big Sister" or "Little Brother" and things along those lines. I sent her a message to see if she could do a custom set that said "Remembering My Big Sister" and I briefly told her what these shirt were going to be used for. She replied and we had the following conversation:

Her: I too know what its like to lose a child.
Me: Im so sorry you know what its like to loose a child also. Its horrible isnt it? You never really get over it. :(
Her: Yes, its very hard to get over it. I still cry. Its been 10 years. It was a boy. I think this is so sweet what you guys are doing.
Me: Im so very sorry to hear about your son. My daughter would have been 3 1/2. Im not sure if you are familiar with the baby loss community online but they are the most caring and wonderful people I have ever met. One of them in particular runs this blog along with others if you are interested in taking a look. HUGS! And Im glad that you will have a part in our special day where we remember my daughter by making my kid's shirts!

I sent her the link to Carly's To Write Their Names In The Sand blog. She replied with this:

"OMG! That site is so touching and beautiful! Words at times like these is are so hard to say. I will be with you guys in spirt. My heart goes out to all you moms and dads and family. We sure are blessed for the sweet hearts we have here with us on Earth and our little angels we have watching over us. We carry them forever in our hearts! I will check out that site again more. Hugs to you too :) "

Isnt that great? I love being able to bring in new people to help them get support. And I love how loving she was as well. See! I told you BLM are just amazing!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ok, not everyone is horrible

Sometimes it feels like the entire world refuses to even try to understand what we are going through as BLM. But there are those real friends and family members who really honestly try to understand. I got a text message a few weeks ago from an old coworker I hadn't seen in the longest but she let me know that she was thinking of me and my kids including Genesis. I received another text message today from a true friend who also was remembering Genesis today! Thank you to those of you who try to be there and try to understand. And thank you for allowing me to share my memories of Genesis with you. You couldn't put a price on what that means to me. I feel a little better now.

My heart just got crushed a little more

Im going to try and be generic here as this is a public blog and I dont want to give specific names, but a relative of mine is pregnant and on her facebook status put something to the effect of how exhausted she is in this pregnancy and that she could fall asleep at her desk from how tired she was. I could totally relate to how she was feeling. My pregnancy with Genesis was like that 24/7. My pregnancy with D was only like that in the first trimester. And with my pregnancy with G I had none, her pregnancy was a breeze. So I commented on her status saying "oooh I remember those days when I was pregnant with my first two..." Evidently my pregnancy with Genesis didn't count because this is what she replied with: "oh, what do you mean with your first two? there both still babys...." I just replied saying "my first two (remember I had 3 kids) Genesis and D..." What I dont get is that she has had miscarriages and being that she has had a pregnancy loss, I would imagine her to be able to better connect with me. But no, she doesnt see it the way we BLM see it. Why does my family refuse to acknowledge Genesis? Acknowledge that I have 3 children! Acknowledge that she was here, that she was real, that I love her more than life itself, that she is as important to me as my living children! Why is that so hard to do? God, it breaks my heart. And what should have been a beautiful day of remembrance is now ruined and I feel like crap. I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach.

Whats sad is that this is not the first time my relatives have hurt me like this. When I was pregnant with Genesis I would get friendly calls all the time like "how's baby doing?" or "you know if you change your mind, Ill keep the baby" type calls. After Genesis died there were no more calls. No calls even to say sorry or how are you doing. No cards in the mail. No nothing. It was as if it never happened. 8 weeks after Genesis died I went on a road trip and made a stop at a relatives house that was on the way to where we were headed. I had on my Genesis bracelet (you can see a picture of it in the photo gallery tab) and a relative saw it and asked what it said. I replied that it said Genesis. She was a little confused. She asked me why I had that. I told her it was the name of my daughter. There was a long pause and she had this look of utter confusion on her face and with almost a sound of sarcasm she said "your daughter?" It was such a shock to me that people already didnt care so all I could do was look to the ground to avoid crying and say "even though she wasnt born alive she is still my daughter." And nothing more was said.

I understand that I guess this is the "norm" among non baby lost people but when it comes to my family it's even worse. Not only do they not acknowledge Genesis but then they mock me for doing it. I invited another close family member to go attend the OC Walk To Remember with me and she had the audacity to laugh at me and say "uh, I dont think so." I dont have the words in me to describe this kind of pain. Not only do I live with the day to day suffering that I have to live my life without one of my children but then people, and mostly my own family, add so much more pain than I need by not supporting me. *sigh* Im gonna go cry now.

Day of Hope

Today is August 19th. The Day of Hope. If you have not already read what this day is about click here. I have my memory box all ready to go to drop off at the hospital. Ive been seeing all the photos and updates of all my BLM friends on facebook and some are donating as many as 11 boxes! Im thankful that they are so generous to families in need, but then I look at my 1 very simple box and feel that its not enough. I know that quantity shouldn't matter but it still gets to me a little. I wanted to donate more but plain and simple, Im not able to right now. Im a single mom and right there you should know that my income is limited and I must make my dollar stretch. Add to that, that I am still on UNPAID maternity leave. So I am stretching money like you wouldn't believe. At least it will make a difference in the lives of one family who really needs it.

On another note, I wont be able to drop off my donation today because of my schedule. I have homework and school and the kids and its just more than I can do today. But the plan is to drop it off tomorrow after Ive finished my homework. I also have a confession to make. Im really nervous about dropping off the box. Yes, it will be at the same hospital Genesis was born at, but that's not it. Ive been there twice since then to have my two rainbows. The thing is.....Im scared of crying. There, I said it. Actually Im scared of not being able to control myself and be a blubbering mess to the wonderful staff they have there. I want to be able to take a photo and smile and show how genuinely happy I am to be making a donation in Genesis' name, but I know myself. I know that as soon as I see the babies in the NICU, because thats there the perinatal loss department is at, or a soon as we start talking about stillbirth and loss I will be a mess. Im not afraid to talk about it. I want to talk about it....as today's theme supports that. I just dont want to cry. I really hate having people see me cry. Then they feel sorry for me and try to make it better and it only makes me cry harder. Dont worry though, Im going to swallow my pride and still make the donation and take photos. And if I do cry, oh well. They understand and they will know that through the tears I am not afraid to speak of pregnancy & infant loss or of my baby Genesis.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Im Touched

Genesis' blog hasn't even been public for 24 hours yet and our story has already touched people. I have received messages on my facebook page from people telling me how our story has touched them. And these messages are from both BLM and non BLM. It's amazing to me.

Most of you don't know but I am adopted. I was adopted at birth, so the family I grew up with is the only family I have ever known. To me they are my REAL family. However in the last two years I have been fortunate enough to find my biological mother and a sister. More recently I found my biological father and even more sisters I never knew I had. To my surprise one of my new sisters changed her profile picture to a photo I had tagged her in. This photo:

I was so touched by this. It's the little things like this that shows us BLM that you care and that you are showing support and more importantly acknowledging that even though you never met our babies, even though they never took a breath of air or left a footprint on this Earth, they were very much here. They were very much real, and they are very much still a part of our lives today. Thank you so much for making Genesis a part of your life today.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Happy & Sad Tears

I am in the process of creating a memory box for August 19th Day of Hope to donate to the hospital that all my children were born in.

I just got off the phone with a lady in the perinatal loss department and she was so thankful for my donation. I told her I was donating on behalf of my stillborn daughter that was born there 3 years ago. As the words escaped my mouth I felt myself fighting tears and my throat tightening up. She could hear it in my voice and said she could see it was still hard for me. She genuinely seemed interested in me and helping other families and for that I felt an immediate bond to her. She asked if she could ask me some questions about my experience there and I agreed. I love to talk about Genesis but I hate that I cry. I had not cried in the longest when I mention Genesis to strangers and thought I was over that type of emotional outburst. I was wrong. Her questions were really heartfelt. She asked if my due date was also a special day to me or if it was just her birthday. I told her that both days are special to me but her birthday was the one that really was special to me. I asked if they had professional photographers that do photos now because when I was there I had no photos. There was no
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) there when I was there. No family photos were taken of my daughter, just one for the medical records which is the one I have. I didn't leave with a memory box or a hat... just a pink blanket. She told me they do have photographers now, not NILMDTS but similar one. She also went on to tell me that they have a new garden for their lost babies. It made me cry more when she said for "our lost babies". They were their extended family for that moment in time and I'm sure the nurses and doctors hurt too when a baby dies. She invited me to go and see the garden and said she would be honored to give me a personal tour and sit out there with me with a cup of coffee. Here this complete stranger is treating me better than my own family ever did over the loss of my daughter. It's just touching. People like her are amazing. I would love to do what she does. To bring comfort to families going through this and since I have been there I can make suggestions that maybe someone who has not gone through may not think of. She also mentioned to me that they are going to have a garden dedication in October for all their babies and asked if she could mail me info on this. Of course I agreed. I thanked her for her help and compassion. Sadly she will be out of town when I donate this box but doing this has brought me such comfort that I think I will make a habit of doing this and hopefully next time I can meet her.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Welcome to my blog!

My baby girl Genesis was stillborn March 16, 2007. I have a personal blog that I have documented everything in my everyday life, including Genesis, but thought that Genesis deserved her very own special spot in this universe. Thanks to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio, she has created the most beautiful place for Genesis. This blog is going to be real, raw, and beautiful, just as Genesis was. This is a place for me to document my feelings and events that happen that remind me of Genesis. Not all readers may agree with my point of view, but I'm not writing for an audience. I'm writing for myself and for Genesis. And if you choose to follow our journey, I thank you for your support.

It has been over 3 years since my baby left me and I have been to many different places emotionally during that time. I don't know what each day will bring or what days will be hard. From time to time I will post entries here that I posted in my original blog so that you can get more of the pieces of my past that have brought me here to you today. I suggest you read the "Genesis & My Story" tab as that will fill you in on much information.

So to begin this blog I'd like to post a letter that I wrote to my dear Genesis when I found out I was pregnant with my first rainbow baby.

My Darling Genesis,
Today was supposed to be your birthday. I had pictured this day a million times and what the days events might bring. Only now, I have an empty nursery and the baby I carry inside isnt you. Although you were born at almost 21 weeks you were the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. You looked a lot like me, and that made me feel great. I am proud of myself and your dad for making something so precious. You grew your wings the day you were born, March 16th, 2007, a day I will always remember. And although you were not able to be here on Earth with us and enjoy our lives together, you will always be a huge part of my life and the life of your family. We will never forget you, as a matter of fact there is not one day that goes by that I dont think of you or pray for you, waiting for the day I get to see you again my sweet. Although I am pregnant again my love, dont think that this baby or any will ever replace you for that is impossible. I am only giving you a little brother or sister and hopefully many more in the future. I will make sure that they all know that you are their big sister. I love you so much honey, since the moment I knew you were in me I fell in love and I still love you with all my life. I wish things would have been different, but this is what life has brought our way and we deal with it in the way we can. I know I will see you again baby, and I cant wait till then. You will always have a special spot in my heart. And I will never feel complete again until we are together again. You were the best of me my little angel. Until then I ask for God to watch over you and to keep your name in the Book of Life. Until we meet again my little one, hugs and kisses forever and ever.

Your Mom
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