Saturday, December 18, 2010

What's left of her

Genesis' ashes were given to me in a white rectangular box. I've never really considered it an urn, though I suppose that's the function is serves. It's rather large considering how little of her was left. It has a paper taped around it stating that she is inside and the date she was cremated. It came with a red velvet bag to be carried in along with the permit to have the ashes. I have it put away in her memory box. {I hope you dont mind me sharing a photo of it}







As I just mentioned, there was very little left after she was cremated. After all, she was tiny at nearly 21 weeks gestation.
She was about the size of one of those Bratz dolls (bigger than a barbie). I remember when I first received her ashes the box seemed to be empty. I kind of gently shook it to see if I could hear anything inside and I could hear what sounded like mere particles of dust, and even then I had to strain to really hear anything. At times I have been tempted to open it and look inside and see what is actually left of my daughter... But I can never bring myself to do it. I'm not sure if that's a weird thing to want to do. At any rate one thing I know 100% I want to do is keep her ashes with me forever. I want her with me for as long as I live. And when if I die, I want her ashes with me wherever I am. Some family have asked why don't I scatter her ashes somewhere meaningful... And if there were more of her I probably would sprinkle some in a few special places. But there is so little in there I'd feel like I'm throwing what little I have of her away. I have so few things of hers and this is all I have left to hang on to that she physically left behind. So I have decide that I want to buy her a pretty urn. Not the plastic white box that is sealed with tape she is in now. Though I have to tell you... The thought of opening it and moving her ashes terrifies me. I don't know how I'll react. I'm scared that there is even less than I thought was inside. I'm scared I will spill some. Though I think she deserves something prettier than what she has now, that white box is a part of her history and I don't think I could get rid of it. I want to keep every last particle and I'm afraid some will get lost in the transfer. Because of this I am scared. Though I've decided it's what I want to do, I have no idea when.


And in kind of a related news...my grandmother who I hold very very dear is getting very old. She just turned 90 in August and her health is going downhill. Everyday she is here with us is truly a blessing. There was a time where we didnt think she would make it to her 90th birthday. Or to the end of the year. I think she will make it till the end of the year but next year is a big question mark. In conversation with my mom a few days ago when we were talking about loved ones that had passed and then my grandma, I asked what plans they had for her when that day would come. Though there is no need to actively plan yet, they have has a few talks about what she wanted to have done. She wants to be cremated. I asked my mother if and when that should happen, if she might give me some of the ashes as she is a huge part of my life. I love her like a second mom. I would love to have her ashes together with Genesis. Its the only way she would ever know of Genesis in this world. {if you recall, when I told her I was pregnant with Genesis she had started to develop alzheimer's. So when she died, my grandma didnt even remember that I was pregnant. I didnt want to cause her any heartache so I never told her} My mom seemed to agree to do this. I say seemed because she didnt say no and said that might be a good idea. Also that way there would be more ashes to actually have in the new urn. I really liked this idea. So I am in no rush to do this and I hope its many many years from now as I would hate to ever lose my dear grandmother.   

9 comments:

Sarita Boyette said...

I think getting a lovely urn for Genesis is a sweet idea. My suggestion is, when you get the urn, to take her ashes to the funeral home you used and ask someone there to make the transfer. I wouldn't think there would be a charge for that. These are people who deal with this as their profession, and they would know the correct way. Hope this helps.

brigette said...

What a lovely idea. I agree with Sarita I bet the funeral home would help with out any problems. I hope you find one that you love for sweet genesis!!

Bethany said...

I was going to say the same thing Sarita said as well... and also, if you want to keep her close to your heart, there is several websites where you can order cremation jewelry to have ashes put into. We have necklaces for Sebastion, and LOVE them. You could even get necklaces for your rainbows to have when they get older... I intend to give Lily one, we still have some ashes that are in our fireproof safe that wouldn't fit in our necklaces, so at some point I will order another.

TanaLee Davis said...

I totally understand your fears about your baby Genesis. I would be surprised if the funeral home would say no to the transfer. I understand the whole weight of the box thing too. Your fears are justified and I like the others recommend that you first try with the funeral home. Love ya Tiffany.
~Felicia

Jill said...

I am sure the funeral home will help with anything. I understand the fears you have though.

Lisette said...

I agree the funeral home will be able to do the transfer for you. They told me that if I ever want to change Sami's urn I can take it to them.
Sami's urn is a teddy bear but inside of that they have remains a a TINY, TINY urn. I have always wanted to look inside of it but can't get myself to do it either. Who knows maybe one day I will. I always want her with with me when I pass on. Everyone in my family knows that those are my wishes. People tell me to put some of her ashes in a piece of jewelry but I am so afraid it might get lost. I think I will just keep her all together.

Tiffany said...

Lisette- I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. Hugs!

PrincessKalico said...

I have a box just like your's but it is blue. Brinley's ashes are in a closed plastic bag inside of the box. So I'm guessing Genisis's ashes are too. I've often wondered if you are supposed to open the bag and put the ashes in an urn or just leave her in the bag when you put her in an urn. I think the idea of asking a funeral home to do it are good. I never thought of that. We have yet to buy an urn, they are so expensive. Can't wait to see the urn you pick out.

LetterstoClaire said...

My daughter was born at 23 weeks and I received a box just like yours when she was cremated. Her ashes were in a small plastic bag and I chose to transfer the entire bag into her baby urn. I couldn't stand the thought of losing even just a tiny bit and I didn't want anyone else touching what little I had left of her. One thing I learned is that many of the memorial websites that sell urns can customize it for you. If there is an urn top that you like (we have an angel baby wrapped in wings) but you don't like the base, most places will mix and match for you. We changed the base of our urn to pink granite instead of the white marble or dark wood that it initially came with. It's hard to do the transfer and it took me a week to work up the nerve to do it, but I was glad once it was done. Her urn is beautiful and it's proudly displayed where everyone who comes over can see it.

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