Im forcing myself to do Genesis' scrapbook, or at least get started on it, today. It's not that I dont want to, I really do. Its just emotionally draining and its too easy to leave it for another day. And a day turns into weeks, and weeks into months... Im not going to leave this special project hanging.
I printed out all the photos that I had a special attachment to. There were surprisingly quite a few. I may fill up this scrapbook after all. I went through her memory box and separated what was going in the scrapbook and what was going to go on her very own blessing ring (another post on that).
I found many cards. Its such a strange thing to have a pack of "Congratulations!" and "Im so sorry for your loss..." cards mixed together for the same person. And yes, I re-read every single one of them. What surprised me the most was among these cards was a card from my (then) husband. I totally forgot he wrote this. Its that card in the front with the baby sleeping. Id like to share what he wrote.
Just wanted to let you know that you're loved and appreciated by me and your whole family. I cherish everyday I have with you and thank you beyond words for bringing a new life and for sharing this once in a lifetime experience with me. Yes I know its tough on you and in the end you are helping bring a miracle into our lives. Forever we will be enjoying the gift you are bringing into the world. I thank you from my every being for being my wife for life and for being the mother of my children. I will always be here by your side...
Your Companion For Life,
Wow. I dont understand how you can go from that to leaving me while pregnant with our rainbow. Ill never understand. What also caught me by surprise was that I had already started a scrapbook page for Genesis. I totally forgot that as well. The first page had all the photos from our celebration right after our announcement. It had photos of my entire family as well as my ex husband. So I guess I will probably include him in Genesis scrapbook because he was a part of her life/ memories at the time. Im so glad I hung on to that scrapbook page. I remember I was tempted to throw it away but put it in the memory box years ago. Sigh...
In going through the medical records (yes I have a copy) I was shocked to see that they called this "an abortion." I absolutely hate that. I am pro life. Genesis had no chance of life. Period. I chose to do the humane thing and take her off life support so that she wouldn't suffer. But reading this just made me so mad because in the medical community there is no other word. Even a miscarriage is called a "spontaneous abortion". They really need to look into a different word. As a matter of fact I hate many of their words like "termination" and "incompatible with life" and "fetal demise". Someone needs to do something about this. In the notes someone wrote this:
"Parents named her 'Genesis'". This just brought on the tears...I miss her so very much. I dont know how Ive been able to go on for so long without her.