Today I had to meet up with the ex husband. We had to take care of some business and I had been putting it off for a while and needed to finally get this done to protect myself financially. Thankfully he agreed to get this done and even showed up early. I left the rainbows at home so it was just me. On the way over there I kept thinking that I wanted to ask him a question that always seemed to come up every now and then. I wanted to ask him how he answers the question "how many kids do you have?"
Truth is he fathered 4 children. 3 with me and 1 with skankula. But I know he would never answer 4. I think he would probably say 1. The 1 with skankula.
So we got to the place to take care of business, and it never ceases to shock me how horrible he looks. No really...he looks ill. He took up smoking since he left me and he has lost so much weight that he looks sick. His eyes are sunken in and have dark circles under them. He reeks of cigarette and he wasnt even standing close to me. Anytime we have had to meet up for anything, he avoids me like the plague and stands a good 8-10 feet away. Dont ask me why, I have no idea. But I think its hilarious. But even standing that far away from me I could smell his nasty stench. Then I feel sorry for the child he has with skankula and how she has a smoker for a daddy... and so much worse. Sigh.
And of course when I did see him I couldn't bring myself to ask him how he answers that question or if he ever thinks of Genesis. I just cant ask. I wonder if I ever will. I have yet to get a straight answer as to why he left me when I was pregnant with my first rainbow...I doubt Ill get any real answers to anything from him. But I suppose I will always wonder. Ya know?
But anyways, after we finally took care of this I felt SO good. I was so very happy on the car ride home. I love feeling like that. Another small victory for me which really isnt small at all when you see the big picture. Even though my mind had been wandering about the thoughts of Genesis and him, it didnt get me sad. Im just so thankful that I have all 3 of my kids all to myself. (and yes, I have her ashes...he never asked to split them or anything like that, thank God)
I was listening to the radio and "Whoop There It Is" came on and it was just so fitting for my mood. I couldn't help but dance in the car. I had borrowed my parent's car for this trip and I totally forgot that they have a humming bird air freshener hanging from the mirror. And now that humming birds are one of Genesis things it was kind of special to me. So there I was, feeling great, dancing in the car and I noticed the humming bird swinging in the air. It made me feel really good that one of her things was there with me. I hope that doesnt sound weird, but it just felt comforting in a way.