Today I visited my old church. I visited recently so this wasnt my first time back for years... just for a little bit. At any rate, my visit wasnt what I expected. My rainbows were not bad, but they were not good. D was talking the whole time. I was trying to occupy him with things and in doing that I couldn't pay attention myself. Then when we was entertained, G was fussy or hungry or whiny. I honestly didn't hear a thing the speaker was saying. Interestingly enough, the few words I did manage to hear where when they said the word Genesis. He quoted quite a few scriptures from Genesis actually. Every time I heard her name I found myself holding my breath, closing my eyes and shaking my head.
I saw some old friends I had not seen in a little bit and while I was genuinely happy to see them I know that it didn't show. Today I felt like a shell of myself. Like there was no color to my day. Everything in grey. No life. My smiles were half smiles and even those were forced. I tried carrying a conversation and I just couldn't. I felt like I wasn't all there and what I did come up with was just to fill up time. I didn't want people to think I wasn't happy to see them, or that something was wrong. Well yes, something is always wrong... my daughter died. I cant help to think hearing her name put me in this mood.
Then of course a new lady introduced herself to me today and that horrible question slipped her mouth..."Do you have any more kids?" I paused for a minute and decided not to get into it and replied "no just the two." It hurt me to say that answer. But because of my mood I didnt want to burst into tears. Well, not publicly anyways.
I just feel very bland today. Im not sad...at least I dont think. I just cant put it into words. Its like my title says. Today was just grey today. No life, no enthusiasm, no happiness. Like a dull and hazy day. Im not even thinking clearly and just find myself staring off into space.