Sunday, November 7, 2010

Today was a colorless day

Today I visited my old church. I visited recently so this wasnt my first time back for years... just for a little bit. At any rate, my visit wasnt what I expected. My rainbows were not bad, but they were not good. D was talking the whole time. I was trying to occupy him with things and in doing that I couldn't pay attention myself. Then when we was entertained, G was fussy or hungry or whiny. I honestly didn't hear a thing the speaker was saying. Interestingly enough, the few words I did manage to hear where when they said the word Genesis. He quoted quite a few scriptures from Genesis actually. Every time I heard her name I found myself holding my breath, closing my eyes and shaking my head.


I saw some old friends I had not seen in a little bit and while I was genuinely happy to see them I know that it didn't show. Today I felt like a shell of myself. Like there was no color to my day. Everything in grey. No life. My smiles were half smiles and even those were forced. I tried carrying a conversation and I just couldn't. I felt like I wasn't all there and what I did come up with was just to fill up time. I didn't want people to think I wasn't happy to see them, or that something was wrong. Well yes, something is always wrong... my daughter died. I cant help to think hearing her name put me in this mood. 


Then of course a new lady introduced herself to me today and that horrible question slipped her mouth..."Do you have any more kids?"  I paused for a minute and decided not to get into it and replied "no just the two." It hurt me to say that answer. But because of my mood I didnt want to burst into tears. Well, not publicly anyways. 


I just feel very bland today. Im not sad...at least I dont think. I just cant put it into words. Its like my title says. Today was just grey today. No life, no enthusiasm, no happiness. Like a dull and hazy day. Im not even thinking clearly and just find myself staring off into space. 

2 comments:

Franchesca said...

Oh Tiffany, I can totally relate. I am so glad it's not just me. Wishing your grey day had gone much better. Sometimes I just feel the fog of almost sadness- almost anger~lost somewhere in between I guess. I hope you're week is filled with love, light and happiness. You are a beautiful mama.

xo

Tiffany said...

Oh Tiffany, I can totally relate. I am so glad it's not just me. Wishing your grey day had gone much better. Sometimes I just feel the fog of almost sadness- almost anger~lost somewhere in between I guess. I hope you're week is filled with love, light and happiness. You are a beautiful mama.

xo

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