Monday, November 22, 2010

An opposite gender rainbow

This time of year makes me think of the past. I relive events and decisions and emotions. I wanted to make a post on what it's like, at least for me, having an opposite gender rainbow.

What I mean when I say "opposite gender rainbow" is that Genesis was obviously a girl. And when I got pregnant with my first rainbow I desperately wanted another daughter, but had a son. Let me take you back first, back before I had any children. 

Back in high school and in my young adolescence, I knew I wanted kids. I wanted them for 2 reasons. 1. I was adopted and grew up not knowing any biological family. Having my own kids, my own flesh and blood was a big deal to me. And reason 2. having kids seemed like the thing to do after you got married. I wasnt in any rush and didnt feel my "clock ticking" nor did I have the "baby bug". I wasnt jealous in the least after I got married and everyone around me was having babies. I didnt feel pressure either. 

When my husband and I decided it was time to start a family, we didnt care what we would have. The gender didnt really matter, though Id be lying if I said I wasnt leaning towards the girl side just a bit. But Id honestly be happy with anything. After Genesis died it made me realize how badly I wanted children. And how much they meant to me. I didnt know that this is what I really it was my purpose in life to be a mother... until it was taken away from me. That day all my priorities and goals in life changed. I most certainly felt the pressure to have more kids. I felt jealous to see all these pregnant women when I had no living children. Seeing little girls ripped me to shreds.

I just knew that I needed to get pregnant ASAP after Genesis died. Although there was a 5% chance her condition my happen again, I had faith that I could grow a healthy child. I brought my chances down to 1% by taking extra folic acid before ttc and all through the first trimester. When I got pregnant with my first rainbow my husband kept telling me he thought it was a girl. I think he was telling me this because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. And I suppose he was right, but I had a feeling it was a boy from the very start. But I still hung on to what little hope there was that it may be a girl. At my 20 week ultrasound they confirmed he was a boy. Im going to admit that I cried. I cried because the hope that I would be a mother to a living daughter died that day. But I also cried from joy that I now had a son...but more importantly a healthy baby.

After D was born I felt the "baby bug" again when he was around 6 months old. I was finally allowed back into the "mom's club" now that I had a living child but I wasnt part of the "mom to a living daughter" club. This nagged at me on a daily basis. Passing through the little girls isle at the store always tugged at my heart. I felt like I was still missing out. Not only that but I knew I had "children" but society would only recognize the living child and I longed to be able to say I had "children" without being judged. 

I decided to start ttc for a second rainbow. Yes I hoped it would be a girl but I didnt try in the hopes of being a girl. I even told myself I was doing this to have another son, which would be awesome. I even had a name picked out. When I got pregnant with my second rainbow I had a feeling the moment I got the positive pregnancy test that it was a girl. The same feeling that had been right with my previous two pregnancies. But I didnt want to get my hopes up and told myself it was a boy. I got so set on the fact that it was a boy that when I went in at 14 weeks for a gender determination scan, I was shocked when they told me it was a girl. I cried. I cried tears of joy. But surprisingly I cried because I was a little disappointed she wasnt a boy. That emotion totally caught me off guard. D and I have such a close relationship that I think I associated boys with that and so I cried for the loss of a relationship of the second son I envisioned. But Then I quickly became thankful for having another daughter and eventually joining the "mom to a living daughter" club. I now had a rainbow girl!

It no longer hurts me to pass by the little girls isle at the store. But as Ive mentioned before, when people tell me they are pregnant I still have that little jealous bug about it. Especially if its a girl. It just reminds me of the pregnancy I had with my first daughter that will never result in a healthy baby girl. Now G is about the same age as when D was when I got the "baby bug" with him...and I have to admit that Im feeling it again. I wonder if its really the "baby bug" of the longing of having Genesis here. I dont know how to tell the difference. And either way it is really nagging me. I cant bring Genesis back, but God willing, I my have more children in the future. Now is not the time though, but I can say that I totally hear that biological clock ticking. Im 27... Ill be considered advanced maternal age at 30!! ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE!! SERIOUSLY WTH! Not only that but then my chances of conceiving drop 10%, then another 10% at 40, and 50 and so forth. As I get older, the chances that I have a baby with Downs go up as well. Not that I wouldn't love and want that child... but you know, who actually wants that to happen?

Im going to go off on a tangent here for a moment....I never shared this publicly because I didnt think it mattered, but I want to share with you all. When I was pregnant with G at the 20 week scan I was very anxious. This was the appointment that would tell me if she had the same condition that Genesis had. I had everything riding on this ultrasound. When I got the all clear that she didnt have the same condition I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I hear him say to the assistant in the room "enlarged nuchal fold..." Im a doula and have been through pregnancy enough times to know what that could mean. I remember laying on the table and my heart jumped into my throat. I could hardly breathe. After the ultrasound the specialist told me that the baby had an indicator of downs syndrome. In my head I was thinking... give me a freaking break! are you kidding me!? He told me there were no other indicators and that I would have to meet with a genetic counselor afterwards. They didnt have my chart that my OB sent for some reason, so they couldn't give me the "odds" that she would have Downs. Odds dont mean much to me anymore because the odds that Genesis would have her condition was 1% and yet she was that one. I find that I am in the minority the majority of the time so even if the odds are like 0.00001%, after losing Genesis, I feel like the chances of her coming out with a problem are more probably then having a healthy baby. Dont ask me why, its just the way it is. So the genetic counselor told me I could have an amnio to see if she had it or not. I refused immediately. My peace of mind was not worth risking my daughter's life. I knew I was going to keep her and love her no matter what. But that meant the only way I would find out was when she was born. So for the second half of my pregnancy I had this to worry about. I did some research about parenting a special needs child and felt that I was ready for this and I could totally do this if she did indeed have it. Thankfully when she was born it was evident that she did not have downs. {I guess I just wanted to share more of me and give hope to those that have been given the same statistic and know that regardless itll be ok}

Ok, getting back on track with the original topic... so I have heard of parents having rainbow of the same gender and of a different gender. I only know how I felt with my opposite gender rainbow... Id love to hear how those that have had rainbows felt about it. I know the majority of us will say that we dont care as long as its alive... and I can relate to that but Id like to know if you have any feelings based on gender.


TanaLee Davis said...

Okay so you talk about the baby bug...I think I have that. I mean I feel so jealous with other peoples pregnancies and I want to have another baby. As far as gender I don't care but I have to admit I'm scared of having a girl because I don't know what that will be like for me emotionally. But yes...I think I've been infected by the baby
Email me..I have some questions for you.

Tiffany said...

I emailed you yesterday...did you get it? Also are you on facebook?

Lisette said...

I am expecting my rainbow. They told me it's a boy at first and I was happy about it since I already have a son but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad because I have always wanted to be a mom to a little girl. Then 2 weeks later it was officially confirmed it was a girl. I was shocked because I was prepared for a boy. Now I am getting used to the idea of having another girl but so scared because people are going to assume I will be healed. That why I always tell people I having ANOTHER girl. I wonder how it is going to be emotionally for me. I am so happy to get another chance at being a mom to a little girl but sad at the same time because Sami didn't get a chance at life. Such a roller coaster.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

We are TTC again and I despartely want another boy. Not to replace Wyatt, but to know what it would have been like to have a son. I will be happy with a girl or boy, even if the child isn't 100% healthy. At this point, I could careless. But I will always want to know what it would be like to have a little boy.

Tiffany said...

Okay so you talk about the baby bug...I think I have that. I mean I feel so jealous with other peoples pregnancies and I want to have another baby. As far as gender I don't care but I have to admit I'm scared of having a girl because I don't know what that will be like for me emotionally. But yes...I think I've been infected by the baby
Email me..I have some questions for you.

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