I feel like Im a joke when it comes to being a mom. Maybe Im just too hard on myself. I just dont feel like a typical mom. I dont really do play dates because I really dont have many mommy friends in real life. I dont do the book club, spinning class or carpool thing. I cant do the stay at home mom thing because Im the only bread winner. I just feel like I dont fit in in the "mom" club. I mean there are some things I am glad that I dont do like "a mom". Like drive a mini van. I will NEVER drive a van. Ever. And I dont wear mom jeans lol
But I cant help but feel like my own variation of what a mom should be. And dont get me wrong, I think its awesome I have my own variation but you know what they say, 1 is the loneliest number. Why cant someone be in my same variation? Or heck, even in my general area of mommy hood.... The life of a single mom is very lonely. At least mine is. My rainbows limit me as to what I can do and where I can go and Im willing to do anything and everything for them but it takes a toll on me. I long for real conversation with someone other than a 2 yr old and Dora and Diego. I want to hear someones voice that has actually gone through puberty. Id like to interact with actual adults I am not related to at least a couple times a week. With my crazy schedule and responsibilities, that just isnt happening. My home is starting to feel like a prison cell with no interaction from the outside.
My limitations have cost me some friendships as mentioned before. I think that really sucks but if they are willing to throw away our friendship because of that, then heck, they were not a real friend to begin with. Its really tricky. Not only am I am mom, but Im a single mom. And not only am I a single mom, Im a babylost mom too. I dont have anyone that relates to me on all those levels. No one really gets everything. I truly feel so alone these days. I dont have anyone to show G's new outfits to. Or to turn and say "did you hear D learned a new word?" No one asks me how my day was or ever offers to help me around the house or cook me dinner or rub my feet or watch the kids so I can take more than 4 minutes in the shower. Its me, myself and I 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... I dont even know why Im really making this post. I guess I just need to let it out, let blog land know what aches my heart. I cant fix it... not now anyway. Maybe in time things will be different.
Ive seen some people out there that have these amazing friendships. People that know you better than you know yourself. Who dont judge you. Who will cry with you. Who will be there without you having to ask. Who can finish your sentences. Who can look at you and know what you are thinking. Those relationships are priceless, and I envy that. I know not everyone has one of these... but I long for it so much. Someone I can pour my heart to and know that they wont judge or think differently of me. Sigh...one day maybe....one day.