Sunday, November 21, 2010

Consumed part III

Let me start off by saying NO, my mom didnt bring up being "consumed" again, as a matter of fact no one did. But re-reading my post and reading the comments has me thinking thoughts that I just want to get out of my head and perhaps someone who has not gone through our journey can take note.

The dictionary has this to say about the definition of "consumed":
transitive verb

: to do away with completely : destroy <fire consumedseveral    buildings>
2 : use up <writing consumed much of his time>
   3 : to engage fully : engross <consumed with curiosity>

1.  exhaust, deplete.
What we have gone through as parents has rocked our world, and forever changed our lives. It has even changed us as a person to the very core. It hits us so hard that I wouldn't be surprised if it even changed the way our body works with brainwaves and all. As the above definitions state... something like this does destroy a person. Sometimes fully, sometimes partially. I believe this event continues to destroy us little by little through the years for the rest of our lives. And yes, something like this does "use up" most of our energy, our life, our time... And like parents do with living children, we too engage fully with our children that are no longer here. It might sound odd to people on the outside, but this is part of being a BLM. And I can honestly say an experience like this is both exhausting and depleting. 

I have read several posts over the last few days that I can totally relate to. As BLMs, we still have a need to "parent" or "engage" with the children that are no longer with us. No, I have not lost my mind for those of you that may be wondering. But the need to do these things that we will never get to do with our children is still there. So thats why we do things like write their names in beautiful and different ways. Some BLMs have annual celebrations/ birthdays for their children. Some sign cards with their children's name. There are many ways that BLMs do this. And there is nothing wrong with it. If it helps them and makes them happy then more power to them. But it sucks that we are scared of how the outside world will judge us or view us if we do these things out in the open. Its not that we are "consumed" as many have labeled it. Its that we still love our children. We always will. They are always on our mind weather we speak their name or not.

Another BLM wrote something along the lines of, "how can I have a broken heart and a full heart at the same time?" This is the life of either a rainbow parent or of a parent that had living children prior to their loss. You are torn and conflicted between two worlds. The world of loss and the wonderful world of living children. The two worlds are so very different but one thing connects them, our children. Here or gone... they are our children and always will be. No one can change that.

But I know that people will continue to label what we do and what we feel because...well, thats the world we live in. Hopefully when we get to a point where the subject isnt taboo to talk about, then at that time there will be no labels and no judging. Considering how many people go through this I dont understand why things are the way they are. But if what we are doing is being "consumed" then that is ok. Who said being consumed was bad? We are consumed by our living children...why not the ones that are no longer with us? 

And just for the can we NOT be consumed when our child dies? Weather they were 5 months gestation, 5 months old, 5 years old... they are our children. How can we not be consumed by growing flesh of our flesh, a literal piece of us that we started to love the moment we were trying to get pregnant, or saw the positive pregnancy test or saw them on the ultrasound for the first time. This was and always will be our baby, our child... a person. When this person was taken out of our lives much too soon, our world came crashing and crumbling and burning down so very fast. One moment they were with us, the next gone. How do you survive that without being "consumed"? Do you think that going through something like this doesnt change everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING.

It changed the mother I was going to be for my rainbows. It changed how I view life. It changed how I think. It changed my interpretation of things. Things as small as movies and tv shows I watch to huge things like abortion, where I want to live and how many children I want in life. It changed the way I drive. The way I take care of myself. The way I talk to people. Where I go and what I do. It changed the way I live in every aspect. I have to live with the fact that my daughter is dead every. single. day. of. my. life. For the rest of my life. Everything I do I will see that I am missing a child while I am doing it. Those are the facts. So tell me... how can I not be "consumed"?

Hopefully this is the last post about being consumed. That is all I have to say on the matter.


Tiffany said...

well said! they made an impact in the world - our world, no matter how long they were here. and for that, they must always be remembered. :)

Antoinette said...

Awww you used my quote!! I feel so special ;)

But YES I ask myself the question a lot lately, HOW am I living with a broken heart and a completely filled heart at the same time...I dont know. IT is honestly so hard to do. Its a constant 24/7 balancing act. I had a BLM tell me its not a roller coaster anymore, now it is a real life see saw. and she is right. I am consumed with grief. I guess because I have NO other way to love her. Today its really heavy, some days not so much..I just pray for a better day...and that is all I can do. Being consumed SUCKS....but do we really have a choice?

Tiffany said...

Yes Ann, that was your quote :) It just reminded me of the daily balancing act I have to do. I can related to both the roller coaster and the see saw... whatever ride we are one, its always difficult.

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