Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"Consumed" part II

Yup, my mother brought it up again last night. I was talking about my blm friends and sharing their stories and my mom adds her two cents saying "I think its fine and all to remember your baby but you shouldnt be consumed by it." I asked what she meant by "consumed". What would constitute being consumed. She said "I dont know....talking about it all the time.... and when you pay more attention to the dead baby than your living babies." I asked who she knew did that...and how would they show the "dead baby" more attention than to its living siblings... of course she said I dont know. Thats just a ridiculous statement if you ask me. Even if we wanted to and even tried to show our lost babies more attention than to the babies we have here, it would be impossible. How the heck do you do that? Seriously?! Does me looking at Genesis' 1 photo and writing her name every so often even compare to the millions of hugs and kisses and attention that I show my rainbows every single day? OF COURSE NOT!


Im not sure if she was referring to me or to the BLM community as a whole but either way she is wrong. You may remember that once before I actually mentioned that my mother is a BLM as well. She lost a baby at right around the same gestation that Genesis was. She caught scarlet fever from my brother when we were very young and as a result the baby died from it. It took a lot for her to get pregnant because from what I have been told, my dad is infertile. Im not sure what route they went to get pregnant, something tells me she used a sperm bank but Im not sure if she did it at home, or did IUI or EUI. It really doesn't matter. But what matters is that that baby was wanted and it died. She never saw the baby when it was born. She never found out if she had a son or a daughter. She never gave it a name. A photo was never taken of the baby. She herself calls it a "miscarriage". Her generation isnt like ours. It was even more taboo back then. She was expected to sweep it under the rug and forget... and thats what she did.


So when we were talking about being "consumed", I mentioned to her that most BLMs love to talk about their babies. But because its to uncomfortable for other people, thats why our children are not spoken of regularly. Speaking our children's name is music to our ears even if it brings tears to our eyes. She told me that she had to disagree that she doesnt feel the need to talk about her "miscarriage." (a little odd that she loves and misses Genesis who was born at almost the same gestation as her baby and she considers Genesis stillborn but is totally detached to her baby) I reminded her about the differences in generations and how she detached herself by never knowing what she had or giving her child a name. If she had things may be much different. But I agreed that everyone deals with it differently, thats why I said most blms. She left it at that.


But this topic bothers me so much... about being consumed. I have said it before and I will say it again: WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SPEAK OF OUR DEAD CHILDREN, JUST AS WE DO OF OUR LIVING CHILDREN. WE LOVE ALL OUR CHILDREN NO MATTER HOW LONG THEY STAYED WITH US. IT IS NOT A CRIME TO SPEAK THEIR NAME. How did things get like this for us BLMs? Really? Who decided we should pretend like it didnt happen? pretend they weren't real babies and people? who? I want to know WHO, so I can slap that idiot in the face. 

9 comments:

Trena said...

You know, it makes me upset but I can't be mad because it really was a different generation and things are completely different now. My mom is also a BLM, she had a miscarriage, a stillborn child and a child that died at about a year old (this was a long time ago and the child got meningitis and passed away) - those were all with her boyfriend before she even met my dad. Then my older brother was born at 23 weeks and lived for 23 hours and passed away. And so when I lost the boys it kind of took her back to that time and she didn't even get to see my brother, she was knocked out and he was gone by the time she woke up. My dad held him after he passed but he didn't get to for long. I never remember my mom talking about any of this until I was much older and then I wasn't really given much details. But when I lost the boys and she saw that for the four days I was in the hospital, I got to see them and hold them as did she, and all the things that did as far as memory keepsakes she cried so hard. At first though, she was like, "are you sure you want to have them in your room and hold them all the time?" When people make ignorant comments (even family!) I just try to remember that they just don't "get it." I talk about Bryston and Colton all the time. I hate that word "consumed". It's more like an overwhelming love. The children we have here on earth we can show our love to them by hugs and kisses and cuddles, but our angel babies we show our love by talking about them and keeping their memory alive.

WOW - this was long! lol.

Tiffany said...

you are so right. we have *every* right to talk about our babies. we love them. they are a part of us. why would we be ashamed to say their names or tell stories about them. thank you for sticking up for all the blm's :)

Lisette said...

That has to be a frustrating conversation to have with your own mother but their is a huge difference in generations. My mom was so against me having pictures taken and all that stuff but now always wants to see them. They are so afraid of us not being able to "move on" when really we never will however we do learn to accept what happened and live a new life. People will never understand the pain we went through and how much it hurts that they are able to just forget. I wish it was different. You continue talking about Genesis and doign things in her honor because it makes YOU feel better! People will always have an opinion on it, they can join you or walk away. The ball is in your court.

mrsnice777 said...

AMEN girlfriend! Well, said!

Jamie

Malory said...

I can imagine how frustrating that conversation must of been!

belle said...

well said. i hear this as well, rather frequently too. and i must say, it is complicated by the "other" blm moms who DON"T feel attached to their babies... which IS fine FOR THEM but i don't like to be harshly judged by their stick...... just venting:)

Tiffany said...

well said. i hear this as well, rather frequently too. and i must say, it is complicated by the "other" blm moms who DON"T feel attached to their babies... which IS fine FOR THEM but i don't like to be harshly judged by their stick...... just venting:)

Tiffany said...

you are so right. we have *every* right to talk about our babies. we love them. they are a part of us. why would we be ashamed to say their names or tell stories about them. thank you for sticking up for all the blm's :)

Tiffany said...

I can imagine how frustrating that conversation must of been!

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