Saturday, October 23, 2010

Today was not what it was supposed to be

We woke up at 5:45 this morning to be able to get ready and leave in time for the walk. You know its gotta be important to wake up that early. Plus my family knew how important this was to me, I had been talking about it for months. Like I mentioned before my dad was supposed to come with me. Although he wasnt really coming to be supportive... just to walk and help driving while I take care of the kids in the backseat of the car. 

Anyway, so we got off to a rough start. We left later than I wanted to. My dad was giving me a hard time about being back home at a certain time. I really didnt want to rush as I wanted to take my time to remember Genesis at the walk. Then the kids were tired and cranky and crying in the car and then the balloons that I brought were all in the way and my dad couldn't see and I had to move them over almost the entire car ride there. Then it started raining on the way over there and I could already imagine the balloon that I had made getting ruined by the rain. It was just one frustration after another and it just got me so down. 

We got there in time for the dedication. Although the crowd was so HUGE... 1600 people huge, that it wasnt even really any fun. I could hardly move in that sea of people. There were strollers all over and my double stroller in a crowd is no bueno. I was stuck in the back and couldn't even see the stage. When they asked the parents to come up and receive a white rose when your baby was called, there was no way for me to even make my way up there, even without the stroller. Of course when I heard "Genesis Lopez" it brought tears to my eyes. And at least my dad turned to me and said "hey did you hear that?" As if it was some surprise or something. Before we even got to hear her name my dad was saying he wanted to leave and get coffee or some crap like that. I had to turn to him and just get mad and tell him "you know you could at least pretend that you care about this." And I didnt hear from him again about wanting to go.

So I had to wait till after the ceremony to go up to the stage and get my white rose. I was able to get a picture of the stage at that time. I tell you though, I am oblivious because I had no idea how I was going to find the people that I knew (2 high school friends and 2 fb friends) in this sea of people, yet they all managed to see me standing way in the back and say "HEY TIFFANY!" Im so glad they found me, although I suppose the huge balloons I was carrying may have helped them a little lol

It was sprinkling off and on throughout the whole ceremony and walk. The kids had started to act up so I knew there was no way we were gonna make the whole 3 miles. So my dad and I opted for the shorter route. As we were walking we had the following conversation:

Him: See, and you thought you would be here all alone. You have people you know here.

Me: No, I knew they would be here too. But I was talking about being alone in the sense that none of my family will be here to really be supportive and remember Genesis with me. And you only came because you like to walk.

Him: Im supportive...maybe not in the way you are, I am on my own level.

Me: huh? what are you talking about. When was the last time you ever talked about Genesis without me bringing her up first?

Him:'re right.

Yea, of course Im right. No one in my family gets it. Im thankful that he was physically there because that was more than what anyone else in my family has done. When we finished the walk I asked if there was going to be a balloon release, which was what I was really looking forward to. 1600 balloons in the air would have been amazing. But sadly they said there would not be one. What a huge disappointment. And sadly by the end of the walk the helium in the balloons was wearing off and they would not float anymore. They were sad and limp. It was depressing. Kind of like my mood. I held on to the balloons and brought them back home with me as I didnt want to just leave them there. It was much too special to do that. I will probably go buy more balloons and release them later on during the week. 

So I left the walk a bit disappointed but at least I was there remembering my daughter and the kids were there remembering their sister. And home we went. When I got home D wanted to see his grandma, which lives next door. So she came over and visited with D. She wasnt here more than 15 minutes or so but that was more than enough time to ruin my day.

She starts talking about how I never ask her to take pictures with the kids. I would love to have her take pictures with the kids and I had no idea that she wanted to. Every time Im at her house with them and have the camera she says not to take her picture. So how am I supposed to know she actually wants to go take some? So I tell her that would be great and I didnt know she felt that way, that I couldn't read her mind and all she had to do was ask. But somehow she wanted me to feel bad about this.

Then she brings up G's rainbow party that I am planning. Her house is much bigger than mine. On a good day I can fit 2 adults and maybe a kid in addition to my own family. So most of the party/ gathering type things are on her side of the house. I asked way in advance about having this there and she said fine. Now she is saying she wished it wasnt here and that she wished she had said no. I really dont know why but what I did say was that she would have told me the truth to begin with and not tell me days before the party. Now thats what really gets me mad. But its too close to make any changes so we will still have the party. But she tells me that she isnt going to be here. This really crushed me. This was a party to celebrate my first living daughter, her first living granddaughter. This is a HUGE deal to me. And she was there for D's shower/ celebration and she isnt going to be here for G's? This is just so insulting to me. It really stabbed my heart. She said it was too stressful for her even though I didnt ask her to do anything except come and be pampered... it is a spa party after all. I dont get it. I really dont. 

Then she treats me like Im having some really horrible party saying "If I had known what kind of party this was..." what do you  mean "this kind of party"...? I dont know what she thinks it is. I feel like she's treating me as if I were having some sort of satanic ritual drug kind of party. Thats the way she is treating me. She brought up our church and implied that it was looked down upon in the church or something. Or at least thats how I took it. There is nothing wrong with celebrating a child being alive! PERIOD!

Then she brings up the doozy. Im still on unpaid maternity leave. And when I go back to work she was supposed to watch my kids. The plan was for her to only watch one while I put the other in daycare but she offered to help me stay on maternity leave longer even though I told her this would remove me from the wait list I was currently on. I would have either had to enroll him now or give it up all together. She told me she understood and that she would help me watch them both when I eventually did go back to work. (let me first say that it was never my intention to have her help me watch the kids but because life turned out the way it did.... my husband leaving me... I now only live off of one income) So today she decides to say "And when you do go back to work I want you to know Im not watching the kids." Well I cant afford daycare. On top of that no many places will take D since Im doing an alternative vaccination schedule, even with the exemption form. Heck, Im not even paying rent right now and things are very tight. Ive had this conversation with her before... If there is no one to watch my kids I cant work. If I cant work, I cant pay the bills and cant buy food. If I cant pay the bills, Ill have to file for bankruptcy. (I hate putting this out there but its the truth and Im not gonna lie about it) She knows this yet she still wants to do this to me and my kids. I wish I didnt have to depend on her or anyone, I hate doing that but its what I have to deal with in the meantime.

I had to eventually ask her to leave because today I was not going to get into things like this and fight. Today was a special day to remember Genesis. Today I am grieving the loss of my daughter. When I told her that she replied with "you are grieving the loss of your daughter everyday," And while she is correct in saying that, the way she said that was hurtful, like saying it didnt matter that today was supposed to be a special day for Genesis. And instead she wanted to make it about her and be all dramatic and as she left she said "And you are gonna be grieving the loss of your mother too." My god! Dont I have enough to deal with? I just really feel crapy now. 

How did today turn out like this? Anyway, Im sorry I had bad news. I had to get it out though. Of course I did take tons of photos and I will post those in a little bit. Despite everything, I am glad I went.


michelle hs said...

i'm so sorry you are not getting ANY support from family. i feel for you though...i'm living with my in-laws right now and they make life very stressful. my husband doesn't grieve xavier and doesn't understand why i still attend a support group for infant loss. most of my support comes from online friends and my family that lives nearly 4 hours away. i'm so sorry you had a bad day - it's hard. hugs

butterflymom said...

What a day for you...wishing it was different, but I'm glad that you were able to be a part of something special for Genesis. Looking forward to seeing the pictures soon. Hugs to you, hun.

Sarita Boyette said...

Goodness, I'm so sorry a day of special remembrance for Genesis turned out like this. Your Mom seems to know how to lay the perfect guilt trip on you, like my mom could. As much as I love my mother, she could say such cutting things sometimes. I hope I never do that to my kids. I'm sorry you don't have the support from your family that you deserve. (((HUGS)))

Marissa Marie. said...

Tiffany, I'm so so sorry. I had no idea that you were having a horrible day. I wish I could've comforted you a bit more when I saw you. It makes me sad to know your dad didn't even seem to be interested in the meaning of the walk, but just to walk because he likes to. You don't deserve to be let down like that. It breaks my heart, seriously. You know, I'm super glad I did get to meet you though :) Made my day! I hope we can sometime get together one day. That would be nice. You know that I'll be continuing to be praying for you and your rainbows and baby genesis<3 Love you.

Franchesca said...

Oh my Tiffany, I'm so sorry. I don't even know where to begin. I just wish your day had been better, so much better. I'm glad you still went to the walk, in spite of everything to remember Genesis.


Angie said...

My love, I wish yesterday had turned out the way you wanted. I was happy to see you after the ceremony, if I had known I would've had you walk with our team! If you would like a friend this week when releasing balloons for your baby girl, just let me know and I'll be there. You have my number, use it anytime you need it.


Lisette said...

I am trying to catch up on your blog here. So sorry you had to deal w/that on such a special day. We need to get together soon and have that balloon release for our girls. I love releasing balloons. ((HUGS))

Tiffany said...

I am trying to catch up on your blog here. So sorry you had to deal w/that on such a special day. We need to get together soon and have that balloon release for our girls. I love releasing balloons. ((HUGS))

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