Thursday, October 28, 2010


I thought I would share some random stuff out there

1. Halle Berry's daughter, Nahla, was born on Genesis 1 yr angelversary. And though they are a year apart I cant help but look at this beautiful little girl and then day dream about my beautiful baby girl and what could of and should of been.

2. After my post on Genesis' wink yesterday I had a chat with a fellow BLM. We were talking about if it really sounds crazy to think that our children are sending us signs. I mean really... is it? She told me she used to think people who said that were crazy. Her sister would tell her about these signs she would see after the death of her boyfriend and she didnt pay attention to her one bit. That is until her little boy died. Then she became a total believer. Well, I sometimes wonder if Im making myself see this things and if I am reading too much into it. But honestly, what other explanation is there for these things? A BLM did a dedication at a beach for the babies and as soon as they threw petals into the ocean these little white lights appeared all around them. Nothing of the sort has ever happened there before. They even came out on the photos. Another BLM did a lantern release and as soon as it was done all the photos came out with orbs. None before the release. And the earthquakes on Genesis angelversary and edd. I mean come on, I didnt imagine an earthquake and there was no way I could have made it happen. Really... what does it mean? Well I now believe in the signs. I dont know who makes the signs. I dont know if its actually Genesis, I really dont think so. I think maybe its God who makes it happen and reminds me of her. I dont know. There is so much I dont know. But what I do know is that I do see things. Things that I cant explain.

3. Today after the garden dedication I met up with my family for lunch. We went to Applebee's. Im not a big fan of this place but my family likes it and I was in the mood for a nice salad so this is where we agreed on. I have only been to this Applebee's a handful of times. My ex husband and I came here once while we were still together. We came to this same location right after we found out we were pregnant with our first rainbow and just days before he left me. At my previous OB appointment they told me the baby was measuring small and that either the baby isnt going to make it or that perhaps I ovulated later than usual. They did some lab work and had to call me back with the results a few days later. Well I happened to be sitting in this booth, on the left and my husband on the right, when I got the call about the results. They said everything was fine and that I just ovulated late. I remember sitting at this booth just crying from the relief and the stress. It was weird sitting right next to this table today... with that rainbow that I was so very worried about at that time, and a new rainbow. Just brought back so many memories.  

4. I took the kids to the park the other day. And my God, was it a beautiful day. I cant believe that towards the end of October we are having such warm weather. But then again it is sunny Los Angles. But anyway, getting back to the post... I was have a really nice time at the park with my rainbows. It was just us at the park. Not many people go to this park and even less during the week and as early as we went. It was a treat having the whole playground to ourselves. I sat there watching D play in the equipment and going down the slide. 

I put my rainbows in the swings and watched them swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The breeze was so calming and I just couldn't help but let my mind wander. Wander with the "I should have 3 here" thoughts. I wonder why I do this to myself. Or do I do this to myself? Is it unavoidable? I certainly didnt cause any of this yet why am I ready to say "I do this to myself"? Sigh... Im just frustrated to live without her. Although frustrated may not be the right word. Maybe its one of several words like upset, hurt, devastated, depressed, alone.... the list goes on.

I guess for the rest of my life when I see an empty swing, I think of Genesis. 


Angie said...

The empty swing makes me sad, too.

I also believe in signs. Just like your friend, I've definitely grown in my faith since losing my son. Since he died a family of dragonflies have moved into our garden. I've never seen a dragonfly in my life! An now I see them everywhere I go. I believe Aiden sends them to me to let me know he's okay :)

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