Thursday, October 7, 2010

Im so very hurt and alone

I am a nervous anxious wreck. I had a good cry today and my hands wont stop shaking. Here is what happened. Remember this post about my very good friend? well she finally texted me today. Here is the text I got:


"Hi Tiffany. Please forgive me for not responding earlier. But at this point in life I am growing a lot. And that goes along with recognizing who my true friends are. I honestly have been holding back from telling you that I found it sad that you did not find it that important to try and meet with me prior to my shower. Just for lunch unless it was close to you. I also noticed how when my husband and I needed help getting his business off the ground you always had an excuse to as to why he could not do a demo for you. And you kept saying how you would only come to the shower if it were closer to where you lived, and how its hard to travel with 2 kids but yet I see you posting pics up of you all over the place with them. And its not like I didnt invite your whole family. I have quite a few friends out there who weather they had children or not made sure they have and had time to see me. I dont want petty friendships that are similar to that of a simple coworker (not going out of the way to show you care). I want to be a good example for my child and family and having people around me like that is just as bad as me not being a good friend myself."


Ok so needless to say this text shocked me. My mouth was on the floor. Im not even sure where to start. It hurt me that she said "you did not find it important", not once did I ever tell her that she wasnt important. As a matter of fact I apologized profusely many times via text, over the phone and on her facebook page about not being able to go to the shower. I felt so bad about it and her reply was that it was ok and she didnt let on that it really bothered her, at least I didnt pick up on it. I insisted that we had to meet up before the baby was born. I didnt care what it was... lunch, a movie, come over to the house... anything. We only spoke about it once, and it was about meeting for lunch somewhere. When we were talking about where to meet we both thought somewhere it the middle was fair. I was waiting for her to get back to me about it and I never heard from her. I guess based on her text she assumed I only wanted to have lunch and thats it. And I dont know how she got the impression that I wanted it somewhere close to me... I thought we talked about meeting in the middle, so I am at a loss about that. 


I didnt mention this before but the time we had planned for her and her husband to come over it was supposed to be for a presentation for something and she said we didnt have to buy anything. I was all for helping her. As a matter of fact, since my family lives right next door I wanted to see if he could do the presentation for all of us and have it count as 2 since we were 2 households. I wanted to help as much as I could. My grandmother suffered a stroke before they could come and we had to cancel at the last minute to drive up north to see her. I thought she would understand but I guess this hurt her. I told her to contact me to reschedule but once again I never heard back from her. And  might I add she never asked how my grandmother was.


When she invited me to the baby shower she told me it would be on September 11th. She did tell me way in advance but she didnt know where the shower would be. It would either be where she lives which is about 30-45 min away or where her mother lives which is about 4+ hours of driving one way. I told her I would love to go if it was local. There is no way that I can drive 4+ hours by myself with 2 kids. Im nursing G and thats just impossible. Im not going to leave her in the backseat crying for hours. I could only go if someone in my family would come with me. And I can tell you right now there is no way I could have convinced any of my family members to drive that far to see one of my friends. Period. I told her all this but she doesnt get it. She has friends with and without kids that are able to do this and thats fantastic. I admire all single moms and especially those that can do everything on their own without help. Im not one of those women. I cant do it. Im kind of hurt that she is hurt by my limitations. I think thats just unreasonable. 


I am really confused as to what she is talking about seeing photos on my facebook page going everywhere with the kids. I hardly ever leave the house. Period. I dont like that its like that but thats the way it is for now. The few times I have ever left the house the whole family goes with me to help me with the kids. And there have only been a handful of times. G has only been to the beach once, the mall maybe twice and thats about it. I dont even have the energy to be taking D to the park. 


Im hurt she said we had a petty friendship. After all that we have been through I thought I was more important than that. I replied saying all that and of course apologizing for hurting her as I never would want to hurt any of my friends. She then said this"


"And then there were people from out there that were coming to the shower that you could have carpooled with. I just thought that as a friend we should exhaust all possible options. Like for me, you didnt know this but I was willing to drive my car with tags expired and dies every few miles and over heats with my breathing problem just to see you. Not to mention I had no money. But I was willing to risk it all to see you. I was determined."


Ok... so with that one, lets see. I dont know anyone she knows that lives out here that I could have carpooled with. And if you travel with kids you know that carpooling isnt that great of an idea especially for such a long trip. I have to fit 2 car seats in another persons car and I am at their mercy as to when to return even if the kids have been having a meltdown for the last hour. I just cant handle that. As a mother I have to put my children's best interest first before what I want. I would have been there in a heartbeat if it were just me. But I cant make my children suffer just because its what I want. I know she will learn this once her child is born. 


I am touched she was willing to do that for me, but didnt I do the same thing when I went out to see her after her accident? And add to that I was pregnant with D and my spd left me in excruciating pain even if I was just sitting...didnt that count for anything? I was just in her neighborhood last week wanting to stop by but she never replied... did that not count for anything? As a single mom I NEVER have money, I am actually out of work right now and have been since April, again, does that not count for anything?


I didnt bring up the fact that she missed my wedding and my baby shower with D. She never brought up Genesis or said anything about her. I let all that go and never held it against her... but now she is saying this? I truly do not understand. 


Dont get me wrong.... right or wrong I feel bad that she got hurt because of my actions. I replied to her with this:


"Oh {insert name here) this just brings me to tears. Im so sorry. Really I am so very sorry. Forgive me if I didnt understand you when you first invited me but I was under the impression you didnt know where it was gonna be. And if it was in moreno valley there was no way I could get my family to go. Its a struggle for them to even watch my kids for an hour while I get groceries. Since we have not been in touch for a little bit you dont know all thats changed. My family and I are not as close as we once were. We have had many bad things happen. Im not trying to make excuses. I am just so very sorry I hurt you. I feel so incredibly bad. I wish I could make it right. Im with you. I dont want a mediocre relationship either. I just have no words hun, Im so very very sorry. I think about you and the baby and your family often. I just dunno what more to say. I am glad you are telling me this. I would have never known otherwise. Please forgive me....I have already lost a daughter and a husband recently and I think it would destroy me to lose someone so close to my heart as well...I would still like to continue our friendship, making it better of course, if you think we can get past this." 


So instead of pointing out that she hurt me to I just apologized. I didnt want it to turn into an argument. I think I mentioned that we have never had a disagreement in the past, this is the first issue ever and I was surprised how quickly she was willing to drop me. I thought if you had an issue with your friend you talk to them about it first in the hopes of making it better. Her response to still being friends was this:


"yea. I just need some time."


Im not sure what this means. It doesnt really sound like she wants to. I certainly dont want to force her to be friends with me if she doesnt want to. This is all just very strange to me as I never pictured her saying or doing these things in a million years. Perhaps its the hormones? Maybe she is changing as a person? I dont know. I certainly hope things get better before the baby is here. I hope she tells me when he is born and what his name is. I just dont know what to think. Im just very hurt.

5 comments:

MissingYouAlways said...

im so sorry tiffany. her whole response and reasoning seems selfish to me =/ i hope you are able to fix this friendship

Michelle said...

Oh Tiffany it sounds like one big mis-understanding. I really do hope that the two of you are able to mend this friendship. I have a friend who is super sensitive and goes completely out of her way with all of her friends and she has unrealistic expectations of us. She says she wouldn't have any friends if she didn't pursue all of us. Well, we just aren't all up in her biz like she is ours -that's all....Anyway, sorry rambling... she just reminds me of my friend who-by the way-I initiated a "break" from saying I just can't be the friend she needs right now.
Sounds like your friend is being a little too sensitive, hopefully she will come around soon. =) You seem like a good friend from where I sit.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) You deserve better...

Lisette said...

I really do hope that you are able to mend this friendship. I know it is hard to lose a friend. ((HUGS))

Tiffany said...

Oh Tiffany it sounds like one big mis-understanding. I really do hope that the two of you are able to mend this friendship. I have a friend who is super sensitive and goes completely out of her way with all of her friends and she has unrealistic expectations of us. She says she wouldn't have any friends if she didn't pursue all of us. Well, we just aren't all up in her biz like she is ours -that's all....Anyway, sorry rambling... she just reminds me of my friend who-by the way-I initiated a "break" from saying I just can't be the friend she needs right now.
Sounds like your friend is being a little too sensitive, hopefully she will come around soon. =) You seem like a good friend from where I sit.

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