So today I felt really inspired. Inspired to really sit down and write poetry. Poetry about my loss. This is really the first time I really felt this burst of inspiration since Genesis died. I think the cloudy weather, my dark house and beautiful smelling candle just triggered it.
So I went to grab a notebook I had not touched in the longest time. I opened it and saw sketches. Sketches of a koi pond. Of koi fish. Of a dragonfly. Of a crane. Of water lilies. Of a weeping willow. I totally forgot that this was the journal that I had when I was pregnant with Genesis and was drawing out how I wanted the nursery to be. I had planned on paining a mural of a koi pond and the theme around the room would be dragonflies. I saw a drawing of the layout of the room and where I wanted the crib to be. I drew the perfect dragonfly mobile. I eventually did finish the nursery just as I had planned, though the only thing missing was my baby. The next page had baby names. I saw a page that I had intended to write a poem about the baby inside me. The only line I was able to write down was "I see it all in my baby..." I never had time to finish it... or really, even start it. Just like my life with Genesis.
Then I skipped ahead another page and I found a poem I had written about my husband while I was pregnant with D and after he left. Id like to share that with you:
It has been 2 months since you left me
Is this really how its gonna be?
So selfish your actions were
our child, you left him or her
how could you do such a thing?
did we not mean anything?
how could you leave me at the drop of a hat?
I thought you knew better than that
since you left everything changed
things will never be the same
when you look in the mirror what do you see?
I dont see what there used to be
Do you like what you've become
since you decided to leave and run
I bet its not what you thought it would be
you thought it would be better without me
you wont admit it was me you needed
but you were too conceited
to ever admit defeat
you'd rather feel the heat
of your actions than apologize
and now its me that you ostracize
I know Im not the best but it helps me feel better. And its not about being good, its about letting it out. Then as I continued looking through the book, I saw my plans on becoming a doula. Genesis inspired that and so did my rainbow.
And today I am adding to my journal two poems. One about my loss while it was raw called That Day. Here it is:
That day I got the horrible news,
I swear I heard the heavens cry.
Please take me, take me instead!
My baby was not supposed to die!
Everything happened so very fast,
I didnt even know what to do.
I held you, I kissed you...
I could not take my eyes off you.
When the time came to put you down,
I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you there...
alone and cold never to see you again.
How could life be so unfair?
As I turned my back to leave you there...
I swear I heard the Earth moaning.
Each step I took, the more I hurt...
I wept and could not stop groaning.
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months,
and still like a flood my tears fell.
This agony, this pain I felt...
was surely a living hell.
I was trapped in this life of grief,
this new life no one understood.
The things in life I used to see had now faded.
I saw no more the good.
To have to live without a child
is something no one should.
To say goodbye to something so pure and flesh of your flesh...
but yet I knew I would.
The pain burned past the heart and to the soul.
It makes the heart wish it would stop.
You see in color no more... just dull grays,
and your cries and screams echo through the mountain tops.
It makes the heavens cry and mountains crumble...
Oceans still and even the very flowers weep.
It stabs till time indefinite into the universe...
There is nothing like it, this pain ever so deep.
Never again will I be who I was,
She died when you did.
Though people want to deny you and pretend you never happened,
you will forever be my baby, my daughter, my kid.
Then I wrote this second poem about my grief now. Its called Dont Think I dont Love You.
Dont Think I Dont Love You
It has been many moons since you left my side
I still cant believe my baby died
I survived sailing those treacherous seas
but at times it hurts so bad I drop to my knees
Though the storm has passed and cleared the view
Dont think I dont love you
I smile, I laugh and I play
But that doesnt mean I dont think of you everyday
I live because my heart beats on
I still cant believe that you are truly gone
You have a brother now, and a sister too,
but please dont think I dont love you
Our family has changed over time
but one thing that's constant is you'll always be mine
I see your beauty in the sky
or a dragonfly that sails by
Many things in my life are now new,
but dont think I dont love you
(please do not copy anything without my permission. Thank you)