Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm out of words & out of tears

The weather these days is very telling of my emotions. I can hear the thunder, see the lightning and smell the rain... But yet the rain does not fall. Likewise, I feel the pain, see the void in my life and cry to the heavens but the tears won't fall. I'm out of tears.

The last 3 1/2 years without Genesis have worn me out. I don't know how to do this for the rest of my life. I just want her here dammit. Is that too much to ask?

My mom was talking to me about how she enjoys her grandkids so much. And I was just thinking out loud and said "you should have 2 granddaughters right now, not just one..." and she replied with "I'll take whatever God blesses me with." I promptly replied with "well, we were all blessed to have Genesis..." and then silence. It just made me so sad. She was and is a blessing dammit. I'm sorry but I'm just so sick of this. So sick of people acting like she didn't exist. I was pregnant. I felt her move inside me. I was in labor and gave birth to her. She was born and is as real as you and me. How is this so hard for people to grasp? My mom has a bracelet with charms on it for each grandchild... Guess who's not on there? Yup. It crushes my heart. I feel like crying, I want to cry but I don't have it in me. I'm to sad to cry if that even makes sense. I'm just numb, I don't feel.

Sigh. I don't take my rainbows for granted. I enjoy every hug, savor every kiss, and create all the memories I can with them because I know how much it's worth. I hug them tighter and kiss them more than I would have before Genesis. But when I hug and kiss them and breathe their sweet air, I know I'm doing that to a piece of Genesis. That brings me a little comfort but then it also hurts because they are the closest thing I have to Genesis. I treasure what I do have but I long for what I don't. It's a complicated emotion to say the least.

Well some tears are starting to fall now, not many but some. I guess it's good to get it out. So as I lay on my pillow tonight, I think about my darling oldest daughter, who will forever be a baby....I can't picture her as anything but a baby....I dream of what possibilities there may have been for her as an older child but it always comes back to her as a baby. I think of the "why's" and "how's" and all the other thoughts... And all I'm left with are the tears on my pillow and the hole in my heart.


Lisette said...

I am so sorry. I really wish that Genesis was here. I don't get how people just "forget" when it is something that is forever a part of us. You are doing an amazing job in her memory. I can relate to this post so much, ((HUGS)).

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