Sunday, October 31, 2010

A discouraging morning laced with hope

I have to admit that I dont go to church as much as I should. Dont get me wrong, I really want to go and I want to instill its value to my children as well but doing it alone as a single mom is beyond difficult at times. If I go, I go when my family is going so that they can help me if the going gets tough with my toddler. I have tried to wrangle a wiggling and crying toddler, while holding an infant. All the while doing it in a dress and heels and in a place you are supposed to be quiet and listen. It doesnt work. So this is why I need the help.

Well for the last 3 weeks my family has decided they didnt want to/ couldn't go. It got me very down. Today I thought there was no way they were gonna skip yet a 4th week to go. So I woke up bright and early, got the kids dress, fed them breakfast, got myself dressed, packed the diaper bag of all the things I need to keep D entertained for the whole 2 hours. I even called my family to make sure they were going but I didnt get an answer. I figured they were probably busy getting ready. So I rush to get ready, even skipping breakfast... and to my surprise we are right on time! That doesnt usually happen with kids.

So out the door we go and I go next door to see if everyone else is ready and guess what? yup... they are all in bed. That got me down but I still had hope. I said well if you want to get ready I can wait for you and we can all at least make the last hour. Nope. That didnt fly. No one wanted to go with me and I just cant do it on my own without causing a scene and disturbing everyone. My heart was crushed. Here I was standing out side ready to go, the kids looked perfect and it was all for nothing. I went back to my side of the house and just unpacked everything and undressed everyone. I was so discouraged it brought me to tears.

I decided to spend some time catching up on blogs and I came across Sharee's post. It made me even sadder to hear that this little bird lost its life. Then the tears started to really come down. And once again I dont know how but I was crying for Genesis as well. 

I had some time to think about it and this is the best way I can put it. One type of grief (any really) can rehash the grief of losing Genesis. It awakens that pain that may have been dormant for any amount of time, and it has reminded the heart of the grief that is always with us.  Events can awaken these emotions, even certain times of the year (mine is coming up), places...even smells. 

Sigh. I just hope today gets better....As I was typing this up D walks in and points to the painting I have that says Genesis' name on it and says "look mommy. Its pretty." This put a smile on my face. I think today will get better.


Wyatt's Mommie said...

Hugs girl, hugs...

michelle hs said...

i hope today got better for you. it's very difficult going to church with small ones. i missed church for over a year because i didn't want to make a scene, so i feel for you.

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