Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 11

PhotobucketDay 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

I feel like Im like this most of the time. Staring off and wondering what it would be like having 3 living children. What it would be like to have a 3 1/2 yr old. D was born 1 yr and 3 weeks after Genesis was born and as he gets older I realize what I missed with Genesis. When he turned 1 I looked at the past and think 'so this is what it would have been like with Genesis'. I do things like that all the time. 

I rarely smile nowadays. I mean really smile from the heart. Not just a half or forced smile. Im just not my happy old self. Of course the only thing that can really make me genuinely smile are my rainbows...but it doesnt last long because then I think of how I should be enjoying the three of them doing their adorably cute things. I feel this experience has aged me so much. What's that quote..." Do not judge the bereaved mother... she may look young but she is ancient inside..." yup, thats me. 

This photo also reminds me of how alone I am. I dont have many photos with friends... I already went over my friend dilemma. But on top of that I dont have a partner anymore. I dont have many pictures with me in them simply because I am the one taking most of the pictures. Mostly they are of my rainbows, and I love any of the photos that I can manage to come out in just so that we are all in the pic but that is one of the things I hate the most about being a single mom. And I dont want to go buy a tripod and a timer and take staged pics like that. Its the candids that are what I cherish. You know the ones that your husband is supposed to take while you are asleep on the couch with the baby asleep on your chest. Or the one your boyfriend takes while you are on the ground playing with the kids. Or the one your partner takes as your child goes down the slide at the park for the first time while you are waiting with open arms at the bottom of the slide... ya, its those that I miss. 


Wyatt's Mommie said...

Oh girlie.... I wish I was there to give you a big hug!!!

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