Thursday, October 21, 2010

Am I a "veteran" ?

Most of the mamas I have met online have had their loss very recently. Most within the year, quite a few in the last few months, and even a couple that Ive met in the last couple of weeks. Once in a blue moon I meet a mama who's loss was 25,35 years ago. But I dont know many that have had a loss around the same time as I have. It seems like mine happened so long ago compared to these recent losses. I cant help but feel that because we are all in different places in our journey through loss, I still feel kind of alone. I still consider my loss somewhat recent because compared to living the rest of my life without her, 3 1/2 years is gone in the blink of an eye.

Many of the mamas I know are in that raw grief stage. It kills me when I see their facebook updates. I remember those times all too well. Where life is crumbling down all around you. And I mean every aspect of life. If something bad is gonna happen then it happens right after your baby dies. My story ring a bell? Genesis died, got prego with rainbow, had a miscarriage scare, husband left, he lost his job, I lost my job... why does the universe think that we can handle anything more than losing our child. Granted, nothing compares to losing a child...ever. Everything is small beans compared to that... but why not cut is a freaking break? Anyway, so I see these updates and my heart hurts for each and everyone of them and I want to offer up hope that it does get better but then I think to myself that its actually good that they get these feelings out. Im not trying to shut them up, but bring them comfort. But I think back of the days I wanted to die and remember that nothing, absolutely nothing made me feel better. I couldn't care less if the Pope told me it was going to be ok. I had to get through it myself and on my terms and in my time. And for the record, it wasnt gonna be ok. I wasnt going to be ok. Nothing was ever going to be ok and it still isnt. Because living without one of your children is never ok. But I feel like I got through it.

I dont want to make it seem like Im done going through it. I will always have horrible days that come and go throughout the rest of my life. But I feel that I have made it through the hardest time, when its new and raw and it burns a hole through your very soul. And just getting out of bed takes every ounce of energy you have. And every second of everyday you are one crying and sobbing and slowly dying hurting mess. Those were some of the darkest times in my life. Im glad Im not there anymore and feel for the ones that are there now, and unfortunately, the ones who will be there in the future.

But getting back to my original question... Am I one of the veterans? I cant help but feel that sometimes I am. Im not sure if I am or not. Or what it means if I am. I suppose we are all eventually veterans to someone. I only know of one mama who's loss was 4 yrs ago. Thats the only one that even comes close to when Genesis died. Sigh, Im not even sure what the purpose of this post was. I just felt the need to write. And to visit Genesis place again. I guess Im trying to say is that we all feel alone in this world because most people dont "get it". I have heard of them refer to us as "you people" which disgusts me... but that is a whole other post. And so we turn to the internet to connect to BLMs on this new level. Their support feels so good. But because no two losses are exactly the same, and people grieve differently, I still cant help but feel alone at times. And the only other person on the face of the earth to have gone through this with me...well, he left me to and quite frankly doesnt even give a crap about his living children, let alone his dead one. 


Wyatt's Mommie said...

I don't think you are a veteran. I can't think that just because years go by that it will be put to rest, as some would say. The fact that you carried a baby and sadly lost her is still there. You will always remember her and you will never forget her.

I just had someone tell me the other day that I never had a child. They said that since the fetus died inside me, it was never a baby. Are you kidding me? Then why the hell did I feel him move and kick. Um, I would think that would require "the thing" (as they called him) to be human.

People are just wrong. I mean, this same person grieved over the loss of a dog and the fact that they hit a deer, but yet they are telling me that I didn't have a baby! WTF.

Although the definition of veteran is: an experienced person who has been through many battles; someone who has given long service, I don't agree. I don't think that we can become a veteran at something that is STILL a battle regardless of how long it has been.

Sorry this was so long. I enjoyed your post and had to provide my thoughts. Hope you don't mind.

Love ya girl!

Tiffany said...

No worries mama. I love comments and especially yours <3 Thanks for your input.

Michelle said...

Thank you for posting this. You are the only one I know who is three years out. I know one who is 5 yrs. out and it seems she is not dealing with any tough days anymore...I know she isn't "over it" but it's kinda like she doesn't want to talk about her loss. You do give me hope that it gets better and that I don't have to put Audrey's life and death behind me as I go on to have rainbows.

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