Monday, September 13, 2010

Ok, I have to ask

I have seen a few people say this and it gets to me every time. I agree there is nothing worse than losing a child. Period. But a stillborn baby is not the same as an infant. Just as an infant, is not the same as an older child or adolescent. I have seen people say that losing a baby, say for example, in your 9th month of pregnancy is the same as losing a 9 year old child. In my opinion, no it is not. 


When someone says this I think to myself: "you had 9 years of memories, of knowing your child, of hearing I love you, of kissing them goodnight, of seeing their smiles, of photos.... you had 9 years of everything... I didnt even have 1 minute, not one literal second of my daughter living outside me." The difference I think is what you can hold on to when they are gone. Not the strength of your bond or love, that I believe to be the same as I would have given my life to save Genesis if I could have even though I had not even met her. I imagine there is so much more after 9 years than what I had when Genesis left me. I have a blanket, 2 ultrasound photos and one photo of her after her birth. I can hold all her physical memories in one hand.


I have seen in the online community where other similarities were compared like a stillborn child or a critically ill child. I want to make it clear that this is not a competition on who had it worse. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, any child loss are equally as horrific but all different in their own way. We are all BLMs but have our own pathways down the same journey, living life without our children. What are your thoughts on this?

5 comments:

Antoinette said...

It is the exact reasons you are saying that will have the BLMs who do have an opinion say "Well you didnt have the time i had" and that on its own isnt fair either...I cant imagine their pain but I dont relate, i know my pain...even someone in the same shoes as me (35 weeks) wont truly understand my pain because they dont know the plans and dreams i had...that is what is lost when you lose a baby...plans dreams, hope for a future with your children that is taken in the blink of an eye...its so heartbreaking that all these different levels even exist, i want to live in aworld where you die OLD the way it was intended =(

some people dont assume i should hurt this much because "She wasnt a baby yet, she didnt take a breath" and on paper the gov't wont recognize her either...6lbs 6oz and nothing more than a 'fetal demise' on paper....had she taken ONE gasp of air she'd have recieved a birth certificate, but instead she gets a death certificate and i want to ask HOW is she dead if you wont admit she was alive!!

Lisette said...

I agree with you.

Holly said...

I think everyone handles it in their own way. Two people who experience the same type of loss can handle it differently so you can never say that losing a child at this age is worse than at this age.

Sarita Boyette said...

I used to work with an older woman who lost a grown son. She & I were talking about our experiences one day and she told me losing her son was harder to go through than me losing my baby girl at 3 days of age. That really hurt my feelings, so I stated my case in a few words and didn't argue with her.
She could never know how I have been to hell and back with my grieving and depression, even though I had told her. She was not in my shoes, so she didn't understand. I tried to understand her loss, but she pushed mine aside. We all grieve in different ways, and I would never discount the grief a mom has for a month old fetus she lost to miscarriage, a person who had a fullterm loss, or someone who lost a child who had lived for several years. We all hurt, we all grieve. We in the baby loss club are here to help each other, no matter how long the child lived before he/she died. xoxoxo

Tiffany said...

I think everyone handles it in their own way. Two people who experience the same type of loss can handle it differently so you can never say that losing a child at this age is worse than at this age.

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