Thursday, September 2, 2010

Nightmares

For a very long time now I have had a reoccurring dream. I dont have it every single night but Ive had it several times in the last few years. Its of a giant tidal wave or tsunami.






In every dream the wave catches me by surprise and I am not with my kids. Im always out somewhere with someone or family but my kids are never in the dream. Im minding my own business then I look behind me and see this enormous wave, several hundred feet high, coming from the south. I see it speeding towards us and it seems to move in slow motion only because of how big it is and how high up the top of the wave is. I have many thoughts going through my head...  


Where are the kids? Omg they are gonna die. Im gonna die. Head north as fast as I can. We are gonna be with Genesis soon.


The enormity of the wave is just beyond words. In one dream I remember it engulfing a sports stadium. It was taller than if you had stacked 4 stadiums on top of each other. In all of the dreams but 1, I wake up as I am running or driving as fast as I can. The wave is nowhere near me but I wake up from the fear. In 1 dream the wave actually caught me and my family. We got in the car and my dad was driving and we were going as fast as we could on the freeway. We were on an overpass and I saw the wave coming and it hit us. I remember being under water. I remember being sad we were going to die. Then I woke up. In my dreams I can be anywhere. It can be the beach, it can be in the city, at work... it doesnt matter where I am the wave can reach me where I am.


A friend of mine gave me the push I needed to finally look it up and see what this dream means. Here is what I found:


"To dream you are caught in a tidal wave, represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place."


Wow. I think this hit the nail on the head. I had no idea that my grief was still affecting me this way, but subconsciously it is. I want so badly to have a special place for Genesis in my home. Weather it be a corner or a shelf or a room dedicated to her. But I am too afraid of what others may think. Im already ridiculed by some family members about keeping her ashes. And its not like I have her ashes on the coffee table for all to see when they come over. And even if I did have it out there, so what? She is my daughter. So because I have not done this at all I feel guilty. I recently got a beautiful art piece of Genesis' name from Jenna's Alphabet and boy did that feel liberating.






I hung it in my office and love looking at it everyday. Then yesterday I finally decided it was time to put a picture of all my kids on display. This was the first time I had ever put a picture of Genesis (or in this case her footprints) up. Perhaps my dream is because I am finally letting what my heart tells me to do happen, to incorporate her in my everyday life at home. 



Her rainbow siblings have their photos right next to her. Im not going to hush myself when I have the need to talk about Genesis even if I cry. She is my daughter, I love her, and I have a right to speak her name just as I do for my living children.


One thing that jumped out at me in the dream interpretation was the last part, "you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place." Even though in most of my dreams I dont get wiped out by this wave, including last nights dream, I know that I am ready for a new life, a new start. I have the need to move from my home and start over somewhere. Ive had this feeling for a while but lets face it, being a single mom of two doesnt allow me to just up and move anywhere especially in this horrible economy. But I know that this is what I have to do. I just hope its soon because I need this to change.

3 comments:

Antoinette said...

im so glad you looked it up!! did you use that site i told you to go to?? if you did they are awesome and almost always right with the meanings too...i say almost cause sometimes they dont have the exact meaning and I kind of make it fit to me lol....

of course you are still grieving sweetie, and im sure being around lots of BLMs and new stories does trigger your pain as well....i LOVE the photo Franchesca did and I love how all your babies are together...I know you didnt show it here but the statue is just PERFECT!!!! what are the odds of finding the perfect one?? (((hugs))) momma, im ready for all of us to get that fresh start!!

Michelle said...

beautiful art piece! what a beautiful way to honor Genesis <3

Holly said...

I def think the dream has significance and I'm glad you shared what it meant. I'm sure that'll help someone else! I'm glad you put Genesis' footprints up! :)

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