As the title of this post says, I have SO much to say. Yet I dont even know where to begin or how to express it all in words. Do you ever feel like that? How can I put down in words what my heart feels? I asked my mom this very question, if she has ever felt like that and she just looked at me and said "no." I was like... um ok, gee thanks, I guess its just me then.
Like I said a minute ago, I dont really know where to start. I just have to sift through my thoughts and emotions and go slow and write it all out a little at a time until I am done.
A relative came from out of town to visit today. She is pregnant. With a baby girl no less. The relative from this post. I was really exited to see her as we were pretty close growing up and its always nice to see family that doesnt live close. I knew it may be tough since she is having a baby girl. (remember this post?) Well at first I didnt think her pregnancy really got to me, but then I just felt down. Down for really no reason at all except probably because every girl pregnancy will remind me of the girl pregnancy I had that will never result in a living baby girl. So that put a damper on my day from the beginning. Then my relative's husband was talking about how girls are not usually named after relatives (at least in our family) and I added that mine were. Genesis was given my mother's first name as her middle name. Not only that but my second rainbow, G, has her big sister's name in there as well. As soon as I said this (and mind you I said it with a smile on my face) it got kinda silent for a moment, no one acknowledged what I had said and they went on with their conversation. Strike one.
Then my prego relative says that one of her family members on her husband's side of the family was actually mad that she was pregnant because she wasnt given the ok by her dr yet. I guess she had to wait to be off birth control for a certain amount of time before she was given the ok... dont ask me why but this is what my relative told me. I thought that was so wrong of people and that its not up to anyone else and its not like she was supposed to ask this relative for approval. Then we moved on to a tangent in our conversation and I brought up the fact that recently I had casually met a lady who was struggling with fertility issues. I can only imagine the heartache with that set of problems but I cant relate. Just as she cant relate to losing a child. They are most certainly both struggles in life but the two are completely different. And this person seemed to be upset that I had a boy and a girl. And seemed almost jealous of me. While I know what its like to long for a child, this woman...or no woman really, has anything to be jealous of me about. Do you envy the fact that I had a child die? You dont know the half of it and my journey to get to where I am. You dont have a clue. And so I was telling my relative exactly that, that people dont have a clue as to what has happened in our lives to get to where we are and such. I was obviously referring to to my stillborn daughter. And I suppose I was also touching on the fact that she herself had a miscarriage. My relative quickly jumped in and said "yea, I had a miscarriage. But its no big deal. Its not like I think about it." I know people deal with it differently but it hurt me that she didnt even care about her lost child. But that is between her, God and her lost baby. And of course everything I said referring to Genesis was thrown out the window... she didnt even let me finish what I was going to say. Strike two.
Unbeknownst to her, her husband's side of the family actually planned a surprise baby shower for her today. This hurt me too. I had always dreamed of having a pink little baby shower for my daughter. Sadly those plans were changed when Genesis died. There was no shower obviously. When I got pregnant with G I so badly wanted to have a shower or really more of a blessingway for her. I had waited so long to be able to celebrate a little girl and I was excited that this was it. Sadly because of the way I got pregnant, artificial insemination and to be a single mom by choice practically no one in my family agreed with it. So there was no shower, there was no blessingway, there was no celebration. I feel gypped. I feel like not only was I robbed but so was G. D has plenty of photos of his HUGE baby shower. I mean HUGE. Because of the hard times... me losing my job and my husband leaving me, I had a huge turn out of supporters. Like 200 people. No joke. I knew I would never have a shower so big again, but that was fine to me. I didnt need or want anything. I just wanted people to be happy for me. I wanted this to be a celebration of my first living daughter and first living grand daughter in the family. This was a huge thing in my life and thought it would be for others as well. I was wrong. G will have not so much as one photo in her scrapbook showing any celebration for her life whatsoever. So seeing her get a shower today... and not to mention another one planned at home next week, really stabbed my heart. Strike three.
I also thought I would mention something I had not mentioned before. This relative that is prego told me a while ago that her mother, who also knows about Genesis, told her that if she had a girl to name it Genesis. And before you give them the benefit of the doubt by saying maybe she suggested this to have her named in memory of my Genesis, that is NOT the case. These people do not acknowledge that I have two daughters. They laugh at me behind my back when I speak her name. Her suggestion was a slap in the face. It was saying to me "name her Genesis because Tiffany's baby didnt count. Lets take what little she has in memory of Genesis and take it away from her and use it to mock her." Genesis, Im sure you agree, is not a common name. Ive never met anyone named Genesis. Though Im sure Im not the first person to have liked it or named their child that, nor will I be the last... its still not common. Thankfully my relative has her own name picked out and will not be using it but I am so hurt, offended, shocked, [insert any and all emotions here] that she even suggested it. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach.
I also wanted to add some more about offender #1, aka my brother. So my relative's husband and I were talking and he said you know your brother is going crazy buying stuff for our baby girl-to-be. This was shocking to me as he never as so much gotten a gift for his own nephew and nice. Let me take you back a bit. Lord knows I could have used some help when I was pregnant with D... all alone, unemployed, single, on food stamps struggling to pay bills and get any and everything I needed for the baby. Remember he has an older child and I could have very much used the hand me downs and I would have gladly returned them after D outgrew it. Instead he gives them to other people that are not even related to him even though I asked because I was in a dire place at that time. I struggled but managed to get what I needed for D. D turned out to be quite the big boy and is even bigger than his son and he had the nerve to ask me for D's hand me downs.... um, no. Wait, but thats not all.
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time, when I was prego with G, and he came to visit. He brought a HUGE and I mean like 2 large trash bag size bags full of baby items for her baby boy-to-be and yet brought nothing for me. Let me once again state that I was not expecting anything nor did I need anything for G but how could this not hurt my feelings.
My brother has never hugged D nor told him that he loves him. Same for G. He has not asked for photos once or even gotten them a gift. He never asks how they are doing. Yet I do all this for my nephew because I love him. This just hurts me so much, you dont even know. So getting back to buying all these girl things, he actually tells my relative's husband "I buy these things because there is finally a little girl for me to buy these things for." OUCH! yup stab in the heart again. Well first of all... there was a little girl, Genesis. Sadly she died. But then you had a second chance with G. And instead you decide to do this for someone else? Im just so hurt by this. Today has been rotten. I feel like crying. Like REALLY crying. I want to call up my brother and ask him what the hell did I do to him to be treated so cruelly. I dont like confrontation, I hate fighting, especially with family. But I used to be the kind of person to not say anything when people did anything to me. You know what that got me? nothing. People would walk all over me. I am not allowing that anymore. I am not a pushover nor do I deserve this emotional abuse. I feel like I must speak up. I mentioned this to my mom and sister and they agree. They have seen it to and think its really unfair. Its gone on for too long.